Mothering Forum banner

1 - 7 of 7 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
95 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I lost my baby at nearly 12 weeks. I only told the people closest to me or those I interact with frequently. I assumed it would be my husband's responsibility to tell those he told about my pregnancy.<br><br>
About a month after the loss, we went to an end of season banquet for his sailing team. There was a new baby there , so everyone was focused on her, and I was relieved.<br><br>
The people on his team were not talking to me at all. Part of me was OK with that because I didn't want to get into any "I'm so sorry, how ARE you these days?" conversations. They even avoided looking at me. I thought that was a little extreme, but understandable since a newborn baby and a woman who miscarried at the same table may have made it weird.<br><br>
The new parents barely acknowledged the baby gift I sent. When I asked them about it they simply said yeah, we got it without saying thank you even!<br><br>
So I sat, drank a glass of champagne and rode out the awkwardness.<br><br>
Then later, I talked to my DH and said it was very weird for me. He said he noticed it too. I asked him when he told them about the mc. He told me HE NEVER TOLD THEM.<br><br>
I am mortified. I was sitting there drinking a glass of champagne and everyone else at the table thought I was pregnant and drinking!<br><br>
Now I'm feeling conflicted about whether I should try to clarify. If my DH tells them I had a mc, they will surely think I killed the baby by drinking during pregnancy.<br><br>
We are back to TTC, so by the time the next season rolls around, I'll likely be pregnant again. Question is, do they get told about the mc or not?<br><br>
I'm really not friends with them. Since only one other member is married , there is a single person's mentality and an obnoxious "win at all costs" aggression. Given these differences, I think there is some shunning as well as discomfort too.<br><br>
Do I just laugh it off and move on and let a group of people draw their own unfortunate conclusions or get my DH to clarify?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
897 Posts
Maybe they had already drawn their own correct conclusions because you weren't talking about or looking pregnant, plus you were drinking, but they didn't feel comfortable asking.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
I'm so sorry you lost your baby. You didn't do anything to hurt your baby and that is what matters, not what a bunch of people who make you feel akward think. In the long run, what does it matter what they think?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,217 Posts
I'm so sorry you lost your baby. (((hugs))) Second, if these are people you don't see very often and are not close to, they will figure it out anyway the next time they see you and you are not showing. I'm sorry it was so awkward. I don't think anyone is going to assume that you "killed" your baby.<br><br>
And fwiw, I went through some of the same emotions after my Matthew was stillborn in May. We have some neighbors who knew I was pregnant but we were not close and rarely talked at all. Now they see me out running and never have a baby with me and part of me used to worry, 'What if they think I had a late term abortion or something?'
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
95 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks so much for the feedback. I know in the grand scheme of things I should just shrug it off. I guess I'm sensitive to that stigma that when a baby dies, it's somehow the mom's fault. Even though I know it was nothing I did, I always wonder if people go through a checklist of things I could have done to kill my baby.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,363 Posts
if they really think you killed your baby by making bad choices...drinking or whatev-then they are going to feel like a-holes when they find out you had a miscarriage. if they didn't know your baby passed, then they should have tried to make conversation. if i didn't know someone lost their baby i would absolutely make conversation and ask how you were or how far along you are. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> don't worry about it mama. you know you didn't do anything wrong and if they are REALLY bent out of shape about it, they will likely find out the truth later and feel like a major jerk.
 
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
Top