[mi.birthdoula]

I AM ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS AT MY GRANDPARENTS!!!!!

(In case you didn't pick up, this is going to be a full on rant fest!)

So, I took my DD's to my parents house to color eggs with their uncle (he's only 12) last night, and my grandparents came over to color eggs with the kids too. Everything was hunky dory, and then my father asked me if DH and i had decided how we were going to spell DS's name. Before I could utter anything, my Grandmother stated, "Well, I hope to god that you are changing the entire name because it is repulsive!"

I was just going to ignore her and procedded to tell my father "We are going to spell it ROHNIN." (The whole name will be Rohnin Turner Wilson) My grandparents then proceeded to continue complaining asking why, to which i replied, that Ronin is of an Irish background, and I want to honor my Irish heritage (DD#2 is Keira, so same thing, and my dad's mother is from Ireland)

They continued on saying "why can't you just pick some thing American like Sam, or Bob, or Ted (no offense if that is anyones name out there, its just not for me!) I told them no, DH and I want our children to have their own personalities and not have the same name as 5 other paople in their classes (Dh is Micheal, and I am Crystal, both common for our generation.) They kept it up saying that all our kids will be made fun of in school, (Lara, Keira, Rohnin) and they will hate us for it. Grandfather then continued on to say "next thing you will do is name him something stupid like, LANCE." This is my brothers name, and he was sitting at the table at us. brother stood up for himself saying, "I LIKE MY NAME THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" Grandfather than made fun of his middle name (Byron) to which my father stated that was HIS grandfathers name. my grandfather than shut up about that one.

My dad tried to get them to shut up about it all too by talking about how Ronin is actually very poplular in Ireland, and there is nothing wrong with it. They just wouldn't let it drop, so I dropped a bomb on them....I said "well, its better than nameing my kid KALI like Uncle and aunt just did. You have not one problem with that, but do you really know where THAT name came from?" I then proceeded to try to tell them, to which they said I didn't know what I was talking about with names or ANYTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH PREGNANCY OR BIRTH FOR THAT MATTER!" WTF?!

:

I finally just said, "well, you had your chance with your kids, so now it is my turn, so if you don't mind, if you don't like what i'm naming my kids, than i guess its your problem and not mine. I would appreciate it if you would keep all comments on EVERYTHING to do with my pregnancy and my children to yourself if you can't be positive. NOW DROP IT." THEY LOOKED AT ME LIKE I HAD 3 HEADS.

I'm just so shocked by their behavior and comments. Honestly, I don't know anything about pregnancy and birth? They know that I'm a doula, but they think thats just somebody who doesn't know anything anyways, and is just a crack pot and a wannabe Obstetrician. I've tried to tell them what exactely one is, but again, I'm just stupid.

They have been making all kinds of comments on how I don't know as much about BF as my aunt too. Um, hello, I've Exclusively BF both my kids for over a year, and I'm the one that convinced my aunt to BF and taught her about it because she said she forgot to take the time to learn anything about it, and she didnt want too. (baby was only born 4 weeks ago ) (she's actually younger than me, and kinda lazy.) I was the first person in 4 generations to even attempt to BF, my grandmother always told me, "well, I hope you don't have rotten milk like i did"

whenever i would nurse DD#1 around her. I tried to tell her that DD was growing fine and everything was well, but she would always try to tell me that BF was just bad, and bottles were better because you could know for sure how much milk baby got. Even now, she's pi**ed off because I'm of course planning on nursing this one too.

I mean honestly, does it never end?! Am I only getting all this flack now because I'm having the first boy since my little brother was born? Or is it becaue my aunt and uncle so desperetly wanted a boy, and they got a girl, and now I'm having the boy? I'm at my wits end with it all.

If you got through all this, I'm sorry If it doesn't really read well, but I'm just SO ticked right now.

 

[texaspeach]

wow they were rude!

this makes me really happy we decided to keep the name a secret. EVERYONE has something to say, and most of the time it isn't nice

:

repeat after me: my parenting choices are not up for discussion, pass the bean dip

 

[sunshynbaby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by texaspeach repeat after me: my parenting choices are not up for discussion, pass the bean dip

That's what I was going to say! If they don't stop, be a broken record with that phrase, change the subject, and don't engage. Set your boundaries, because it's obvious they need them. Yikes!!!

 

[crazycandigirl]

No one in my family ever likes my name choices either. Sigh. It is hard- but I always tell people that they had their chance to name their children and it is my chance to name mine. If they still have an issue DH lets them know that if they are going to be rude about it, they can just not be involved with our little ones.

My Grandmother actually refuses to call DD2 by her full name, Pandora, and wanted to call her Dora or by her middle name Hope. Ummmm no- those are not "parent approved nicknames", So she settled on calling her by the nickname we do call her- Panda. Seriously though we do not spend a lot of time with my Grandmother anymore. So very rude. Oh well.

I find that name teasing/ criticism tends to tone WAY down after the baby is born, and then even more so after 4-6 months. It is so odd how someone can be so concerned with a name causing teasing in school, when they themselves are nitpicking at it and making rude comments and teasing the child about it- even before they are born.

:

 

[mama*pisces]

I'm sorry that they were so rude mama. I mean, it's a given that family members are going to have opinions about names and whatnot, but jeez, if the actual parents of the child aren't receptive to it they need to LET IT GO. Ugh! And to say that you know nothing about pregnancy and childbirth is just WAY over the top....

 

[Jilian]

Wow, how horrible. I'd be avoiding them for a long time after that. That is just rude! It is one thing to state your opinion when asked but that is overstepping the line by far. Tell them if they want the luxury of choosing a name they can have another child otherwise they need to mind their own business. They really need to be put in their place so they know it is not ok to talk like that to you - it sounds like niceness will not work in this situation.

 

[Michigan Mama]

Oh my gosh, Crystal. I'm so sorry! That's stinks, considering you always hope to have support from your family! What stinkers! They'll get over it.

I'm hesitant to tell people our name choices for that same reason!

At least if we wait til the baby comes, usually people are too "nice" to say anything.

 

[famille_huggins]

1.) I think your response was incredible, and I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. I hope if we're judged in a similar way I'll be as quick on my toes. (However, we're still not sharing our name options just to avoid those stupid comments.)

2.) I think Rohnin and all your other names are lovely, and your grandparents sound like small-minded people to think otherwise -- particularly considering your heritage. I love the uniquesness of the names without their being outlandish, and I love that you connect to your past through your future. Lovely, mama!

3.) Because your grandparents not only complained about your name choices, but also about your brother's name, it sounds more to me that the issue is less with you (though there does seem to be an issue with you) and more about your dad and his heritage. My dad's mother was the same way -- treated my half-brother and half-sister one way because she liked their biological mom, but treated my younger brother and I a completely different way strictly because she disliked our mom. Are their longstanding issues between them and your dad?

 

[Grumpy72_ga]

I so hate obnoxious people, my MIL feels that having been an MD 30 odd years ago - she can comment on whatever she wants even when she knows nothing about it. My MIL is for lack of a better description a racist bigot, who doesn't approve of the religion of my OB, about had a fit when I told her were aiming for a VBAC and OMG breastfeeding again, How could I do that when neither her or her daughter (dh's older sister) had any milk! Oh, that must be a problem with WORKING women - to which I said my best friend at my old job, breastfed - and pumped at work. (oh tut, tut tut!) She about jumped out of the car when I told my OB also delivers Breach babies! LOL!

It has taken me 10 yrs, 2 healthy babies and 1 very special needs baby to discover that what she has to say should be reflected back at her - not in the hated and hating words she spews, but in my refusal to accept or absorb them. These are my and dh's babies and what she has to say is of no consequence unless she has a valid point.

I guess my advice to you... accept what has an ounce of validity if it is pertinent, and then consider yourself more educated and Graceful than them.

My SIL (my bro's wife!) had 3 babies by c-section because that was what she was told to do. She opted not to breastfeed the first 2, but tried with the last 10 yrs later - because I had successfully fed my oldest that way. She had tons of questions, and I kept telling her where to get help - its kinda hard when you're a border away! Anyway, long story short, my mother (whom I love dearly, bless her soul!) has nothing good to say about my SIL in anyway. From Oh that child spent more time on the bottle than nursing, and oh she's a terrible mom, and oh look at the mess that child is in - yours are smarter than hers, etc, etc. I have finally had to tell mom to stop talking about her. Bro's youngest dc has autism. Again my mum, bless her soul, is trying to understand this child's behaviour and can't figure out why she does what she does.

Again accept what has an ounce of validity if it is pertinent, and then consider yourself more educated and Graceful than them. Also though the comments my mother has paid me about my children are flattering, given the source and her need to cut someone else up to deliver that message, I've stopped accepting her word. We are all at different points in our lives where we make the decisions that are right for us, I'm a researcher, my sister a plodder, my SIL likes to go with whatever is hip today. Who are we to judge!

 

[mamadelbosque]

s I'm so sorry that happend to you... I can't even imagine. Honestly, I think if *anyone* ever spoke to me like that about my children/family/etc... they'd get punched. And I don't think much of anyone that knows me would be too terribly surprised. Its just not acceptable. People are soo frigging stupid and judgemental though, its really truely amazing.

 

[puddleduck]

wow your grandparents are rude - good on your dad for sticking up for you though.

It sounds like they are never going to come round to your way of thinking so i guess its going to be best to avoid 'hot' topics.

good luck!

 

[Onemagicmummy]

that sort of rude comentary on other people name choices is precicly why i will not tell anyone what i am naming this baby (except here). i dont really have In Laws, DH cut em off in 2004, they are beyond toxic!! so i dont have to deal with them, but my own parents both made it clear they didnt like my youngest sons name.

they commented on it, i was upset, but didnt change my mind, he was born, named and they havent said a bad thing about it.
i refused to tell them DD2's name untill a few weeks before i was due, i told them exactly why i refused to tell them, they tried guilt tripping me, etc, didnt work, i warned them if they laughted at the name, i would no be happy and was more than willing to kick em both out my house. turned out they liked DD2's name.

this time i am not telling them again.

Kiz

 

[mamatoady]

good lord! Are they always so negative and controlling? I'm sorry you had to deal with that...I for one love your name choice by the way!

Sarah

 

[geiamama]

WOW.

Good for you, good for your dad and most of all good for your brother. Your parents must have been really good to bring up such a confident pre-teen.

I totally get where you are coming from about the importance of heritage for children.

I am Welsh but DH is English and we're living in England so when I said that I wanted my children to have traditional Welsh first names (I wanted to give them a link to my heritage since they won't be brought up surrounded by my culture) I was expecting flak.

Well I got it. DH's paternal aunt had too much wine at a family gathering and started openly mocking me about the baby's name saying things like "You should be thankful that this child is English so why would you lumber it with a Welsh name that's just going to make people think she's poor and retarded." (Yes that's right she actually believes that all Welsh people are low class and mentally deficiant but unfortunately that view is actually pretty common place.)

I was just about to explode when my MIL, yes my MIL, stepped in and said "MY GRANDCHILDREN ARE NOT ENGLISH THEY ARE ANGLO-WELSH. THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL, THEY HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL CULTURES AND THEY HAVE BEAUTIFUL NAMES TO MATCH!!!"

I almost fell off my chair. I love my MIL.

(Of course it does help that MIL has never liked her SIL but that's another thread...)

 

[Kelly1101]

DDC crashing... but having a more common Irish name myself (Kelly), have to say that Lara, Kiera, and Rohnin are GORGEOUS names-- seriously love them.

 

[Koalamom]

Yikes, what rude things for your family to say. They have no right. It is not like anyone else has the right to because they are perfect. Geeze!

I wonder if it a grandparent old fashioned thing. I was at my grandparents house after I had my daughter and my grandfather got offended for breastfeeding (discretely for that matter) in his house, and asked me to stop or leave. My grandmother, who was fine with me breastfeeding in front of her, said that I had better listen to him since it was his house anyway. So wrong!

I want to note that I love your name choice very much. Great name!

 

[GhostRose]

Not that I'm biased or anything, but personally I love the name Ronan (spelled any way really). We've gotten nothing but compliments on DS's name, so you can tell your Grandparents to go jump

 

[thepoet]

exactly the reason I don't tell anyone my name choices. They wouldn't DARE say anything after the child has been named.

Good for you for sticking up for yourself. Also remember, they are old and crochety, they aren't going to change their ways, so yes, standing up to them works, but its going to be a never ending fight too. The smile and nod has always worked for me.

 

[Irishmommy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mi.birthdoula My grandparents then proceeded to continue complaining asking why, to which i replied, that Ronin is of an Irish background, and I want to honor my Irish heritage (DD#2 is Keira, so same thing, and my dad's mother is from Ireland)

I saw this on new posts. Can I say that if you want your ds's name to be Irish, then drop the h? Ronin is the Irish spelling (there is actually no H in real Irish). And Ciara is the Irish spelling of that name.

 

[darcytrue]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mi.birthdoula I was the first person in 4 generations to even attempt to BF, my grandmother always told me, "well, I hope you don't have rotten milk like i did" whenever i would nurse DD#1 around her.

what the...

..hmmm

I'm sorry you are going through this. My family can be the same way. I think after seeing me homeschool my children successfully for a time now that they are used to me being the "odd one out" so to speak when I actually consider myself the "normal one in."

I say let it go in one ear and out the other.