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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm sure it's the hormones making every little thing feel like the end of the world, but knowing that does me no good to change the feeling. I've been crying all day. I feel lonely and isolated. I feel unloved. I've been thinking a lot about going from one son to two and reflecting back on ds1's infancy and I've tried talking to my husband about all of it, because I really want to get the thoughts out, talk about them, explore my feelings with a good friend, but DH doesn't really have anything to contribute because that's how he is and I find it unsatisfying. I'm having issues with the division of labor and I told DH what I thought, but again, he sort of sucks at discussion and that was the extent of it - me telling him what I thought. I want to spend time talking, explaining how I feel, but there are 2 kids and my sister here and DH's wandering attention to contend with. He's seen me crying - why can he not just ask me what's wrong? And why do I have such a hard time saying that I have needs or feeling like those needs deserve to be met just as much as everyone else's needs? In part, I'm sure that it's a response to how DH is - that he doesn't talk with me, that he doesn't reflect back what I say or offer any thoughts or feelings of his own. And that makes me even more sad that this is the relationship I've found myself in where this very vital part of me, the emotional, need-to-talk-it-out me is not met with an equal to satiate those needs. It's been an issue with us our entire relationship and we have struggled with it and I've gotten promises but no real change despite my best efforts to curb the habits of mine that have been a problem for him. I feel very lost and tired and questioning of my decisions to be where I am. It's too much to have to always be the one taking steps forward to insure the health of the family so that I feel like I'm standing out in the open by myself, the weight of everything on my shoulders. I want to be selfish and just say that I'm 3 weeks pp and I'm sleep-deprived and my body is not healed and my teeth are not brushed and I'm covered in milk and in sweat and I am sad, please treat me special and sweet.

I feel like it is such a struggle for me to learn how to be. I am constantly feeling guilt, jealousy, envy and am always trying so very hard to make my life feel and look a certain way. I can't even describe it, but I am haunted at every moment of every day by every tiny flaw of mine and I can't find my way to just acceptance of and joy in things as they are. I can't, despite my best efforts and constant attempts at release, seem to live in the moment. I can't get into the zen of my life and be who I am without constant self-scrutiny based on a comparison of my existence to everyone else's. And on days like today, it is particularly exhausting trying to be so damn perfect. It's just an attempt at self-martyrdom, which is an act that I resent in the first place and a game I'd rather not play.

I suppose that's enough dumping for now...

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2,229 Posts
I couldn't read and not post. I have felt similarly to how you are feeling now, and I couldn't take it then-and I hadn't just had a baby and my hormones weren't whacked.

I wish I could be there for you, at your house, in reality.

You are fabulous, Anna. It's very very hard right now. It WILL get better. Please call if you need to.

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12,915 Posts

3 weeks pp is barely enough time to catch your breath and so much changes when you have two children. Two little people to take care of...

I am sorry your dh isn't a talker and isn't giving you what you need right now. Would it be possible to write it out in a list form...the really important things, so he can see them? Keep it simple, five things you need for him to do to help you. And if you have to write it down to ask...well, that stops the martyrdom cuz you are asking for help.

Forget the perfection thing, and the zen thing and just do the best you are able...and some days will be better than others...and it WILL get better eventually.

I remember wanting to be treated special, too, because having a baby is such a big deal...but one week later, when I could barely walk, I remember MAKING myself make a big pot of lentil soup especially for my brother and his friend when they came and spent the night...and I didn't let anyone know how badly I was hurting. I'd say I hurt a bit, but I was fine...I was way far from fine.

I hope you feel better soon and I hope your dh can figure out how to help you. If he can't, is there anyone who can?

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2,988 Posts
yes, yes.....I could have written your post a few months ago just after having Ellery. It hurts much when you need your partner at such a vulnerable point in your life and they are unreachable. I'm a perfectionist like you & I want to be this perfect mama and have lots of energy, spontaneity, love, patience, time...etc...I can get myself up and going for a bit but then, I get so burnt out because I don't take care of my needs. Which then manifests itself into depression which is where I am now.
I feel like I'm never happy with my life and it just tears me apart because I have so much to be happy for and grateful for but I just can't feel it sometimes.

{{{ ANNA }}}

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3,581 Posts
: Anna!

It's tough; my DH is not a talker, either, unless I completely break down. Used to, it'd take really wild suicide talk to get him to talk to me. We've worked through most of that though. Postpartum was really, really tough. IMO, that's what other women are for, to reflect back and share with. IME most men just can't; they're doers, not sharers. Maybe as TB said, work on a list, and talk about *specific* labor division? Give him some problems to solve? Just throwing out ideas.

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15,961 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you all for your responses and hugs. I really appreciate it.

I had DH read my post and we sat and I talked a bit while my sister took Aleks out for dessert. He still didn't talk much, admitted that he doesn't talk much and can't seem to get beyond that it's just how it is. I do feel better now though. I would love to have women friends to fill that void, but we keep freaking moving!!! We've lived in four cities in six years, which is long enough to meet people, but not long enough to build a relationship with them. It takes time to get to that level of comfort where I can just call someone up to do something with or pour myself out to (though the internet is an okay place for some reason
). Not to mention that this city sucks and everyone I really like is terribly far away (30 min. drive or more). This is of course more of the feeling lonely and isolated part of the problem. I wish I were closer to home right now so that I could feel a bit like the center of attention since I JUST had a baby! (it would just be nice
) My family lives 4 hours away, though my sister is here to help with Aleks for a couple more weeks. I'm just weepy right now and everything is a huge deal to me with so little sleep and so much hormonal-ness (not a word, I know).

The division of labor stuff DH & I did talk about. The main issue is that he's supposed to be getting up with Aleks so that I can give full attention to Sebastian, but he's been staying up late instead. He's also not so nice in the mornings and needs to learn to be more patient with Aleks. He knows all this. It's not something new. He seems a bit re-committed for the moment, so we'll see how it goes. I tried to frame all my complaints so that (and I told him this as well) I wasn't trying to diminish what he does do, but so he could understand that these are needs that have to be met somehow - Aleks needs someone to get up with him and deserves that person to be sweet and to get him dressed and cleaned and feed him and brush his teeth, etc. and I need general help since I am still healing, getting little sleep, etc. I also explained how it's completely unfair that I am the default parent and that somehow he as a father has a choice in the matter of parenting. I HAVE to get up if the kids wake up unless I want them screaming/starving/destroying the house/covered in their own waste, etc. etc. Somehow he's gotten off (despite me trying to not do things if he doesn't) without parenting at times or doing some parts of parenting, but not all, so that Aleks will have his nighttime diaper removed, but won't have had the urine stench washed off, or will get milk for breakfast, but no food (though he'd be happy with just milk, it's not a meal) or will go days on end without a tooth brushing. These aren't things either where I don't like the way that he parents, mind you, but rather the failure to accomplish things that need to be done.

Also, I must note that DH is really a good father and does a lot more than most husbands I know, but alas, without me, they'd be hard-pressed to have the household in such good running order, which is not me tooting my own horn, but a simple fact.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit better now and next time, I may just write it down again and force him to read how I'm feeling so that I can feel comfortable bringing it up without breaking down.

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16,471 Posts
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way today. I can relate to so much of it, in Nitara's first year.

You don't have to be perfect, by your standards or anyone else's. You just have to be good enough.

I have had the same issues with my dh, and looking back on it now that my hormones are more stable (not perfect but getting better as time goes on), that sometimes partners go through a PPD-type thing, too. Sometimes their way is to bottle it up and retreat just when we need them to open up so we can, too. What got dh and I talking again was remembering together, after the kids were sleeping, some of our good times when we first met, the memories we shared. Sometimes we pack the kids up and go to a park with a long walking path in the evening when it's cool and the sun is setting. I let Nitara fall asleep in the stroller and Abi rides on ahead on her trike and we just talk. It helps to talk when you are outside of your four walls.

Also talking about future dreams. We have this long road trip planned for someday, when the kids are older. We plan to travel the whole country in a car and see historic and beautiful places. When life gets tough sometimes we talk about that trip. It gets us out of the dismal and difficult present and puts one foot in the future again. Sometimes that's all we need. Sometimes it takes more, but it's a step in the right direction.

Sorry I'm rambling, I just wanted to share. And give a

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2,336 Posts
Oh Anna,

reading your post bought tears to my eyes,I know exactly what you are talking about and it will get better i promise

I have to say women meets women's talking and tending needs alot better in my experience,hey,that's why men weren't allowed in the red tent :LOL i feel for you moving alot and family being so far family are 3500 milles away in the UK and as much as i love DH's family they are not talkers really,it has taken alot of gentle encouragement(at my own chargrin many a time!!)to get dh to open up and talk,and concentrate!!
be easier on yourself mama,I am sure you are doing a fantastic job.

Even though you shouldn't have to do this(i swear hubbies make a pigs ear of stuff so we don't ask them to do it again!! :LOL )maybe leave Aleks clothes next to the kitcen sink with a little note saying 'wash me first' pinned to his undies
And leaving his milk in a cup in the fridge next to a plate of nibbly breakfast stuff,it may take five extra minutes in the evening but hey if it gets you an extra hour or two just snooze and nurse with your babe then what the heck eh?I do it sometimes
And then when you are feeling stronger and have more energy you can hash it out properly with DH

where are you based now?
I hope things get brighter soon honey,keep your chin up

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67 Posts
to all of you!!!! I did cry reading your post! If only I had found this site four months ago -

Hang in there - start each day new - if you can not give yourself a vacation from guilty feelings or feeling like you are doing everything wrong then blame me today. :LOL When the feeling comes say to yourself "What was Helena's mamma thinking?" You deserve the break

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13 Posts

here i am going through ppd for the 2nd time & really needing help. i read your post & felt like you have been living in my mind! you said everything i feel, except soo much better than i could have ever put it.
my husband came home today to check on me but only after my mother called him & told him "to go home & take care of your wife!" In our 4 yrs of marriage my ma has never interfered - but still he comes home & says nothing except how are you feeling? and then proceeds to play with our youngest for the next hour & then goes back to work. anyways.

thank you for putting my thougts into such wonderful words - i'm thinking of showing your post to my husband tonight in hopes to help him understand what i'm going through.

Big Hugs

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398 Posts
the last paragraph of your post went right to me core. I'm 6 months pp and currently attending a day program for ppd - couldn't stop crying for about a month, wasn't able to be alone with my daugther... the constant listing off of my faults in my mind continues - it's like my mind decided to run my life and has only horrible things to say about me.

The only thing that keeps me trying to turn the pattern around is knowing deep down - though this isn't easy to interject into all the negativity - that every day has a gift to offer, and my job is to find that gift. Maybe it's the moment your baby smiles at you and you *really* see the smile; maybe it's a word from a stranger that seem to have a message for you alone. I'm struggling through and I hang on to this myself.

I honor you for your courage to post your thoughts here.


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52 Posts
Sorry to hear about your depression. Depression is
an awful thing. I lived through depression for many years.
Most of which I didn't really realize it. It's just the way
I was brought up. And it only cleared up about 2 years ago,
I am now 32.

Hang in there. Try to get as much sleep and rest as you can.
Perhaps you cannot sleep at all.

On the other side of the coin, your husband may also be going
through a withdrawal of his own. It is not only women that go
through these things.

My novia is pregnant right now, and I
have seen her go through tremendous changes. Some of it
feels a bit childish to me, but what do I know, I try and see how
the birth is actually helping her to relive her own childhood
where she lived through a rocky time of her parents. Indeed
this is the main reason we bond, because we have both been
through turmoil. However, she is a bit younger, and hasn't really
worked at her own changes. But I think motherhood is something
that comes into women whether they are ready or not, and it changes
them, it makes them realize what they were before, and what they
are during, and what they are after.

Perhaps you are afraid to return to what you were before, because
the glory of your child helped you to know life as you had not
known it before. And perhaps as the second child, you are seeing
changes that you perhaps did not see before, or ones that came again
that you did not change. I feel you really want to have things change
this time, and are afraid for it?

For me in my own depression, I really did not know anything,
until after the fact when I was happy, and also, that I could see
others with happiness that I did not have.

My advice, try to keep the good feelings alive. Live to your
responsibilities, yet, make time for yourself, fulfill everything else
so you have the time for yourself, to create the vision you want.
Sometimes creating the vision is difficult in itself.

For me, meditation gave me a door. Or at least just closing my
eyes, and saying OM, or imagining good vibrations that I send out,
breathing deeply. Indeed, let your body recuperate as most possible.

If I am totally off the wall, I apologize.
But you have my color blue.
And if you need some more ways to think about breath
and light, and love, please do mail me.


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5,113 Posts
I have a lot of the same issues as you, unsupportive husband, nobody to talk to, self-hatred, and the ruminating thoughts you described. I know it's ppd, and I know meds would help, but I also fear that they would make me complacent about things, as I feel they did for many years, and in fact I kind of blame them for why I'm in my marriage despite a dh who has *never* been there for me when I needed him, emotionally -- he would blame my need for an emotional, talking relationship on my depression, and tell me to up my meds, and I would (!) with my doctor's blind OK. I actually have decided that he's emotionally abusive and that it's not my fault he's like that. I just have to do something about it, like get counseling. He's actually in counseling now, but I haven't seen a lot of progress.

Anyway, sending you a big
- can you talk to your sister about it?
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