[Megieblue]

Ds will be 4 next month. He's a spirted little guy who's very emotional and sensitive. Life with him has always been "more" but lately it's just taking a huge toll on me. It starts with pooping. I think.

He has always refused to poop on the potty and promised that he would by 4. When he has to go, he just asks for a diaper, we put it on and then he goes. We change it and he goes on with his day. He has no accidents and hasn't worn a diaper to bed for almost two years. BUT now that he's almost 4 and we're asking him to practice what he's promised, it's a nightmare. I asked him when he wanted to stop with diapers. He told me a date which was last Monday (5 days ago). I told him ok and have held him to it. It's been five days and he won't go. He's a very regular kid and goes at least once a day so this is way too long for him. He has tons of gas and says he has to go (even begs for a diaper) but won't go in the toilet.

And now he's refusing to pee too. He'll go all day and still won't go pee in the potty (something he's been doing for years). I've spent much of the past few days asking him to please relieve himself as his body will get hurt. He refuses and screams and yells.

And he's been up every hour or so at night (something he hasn't done since 9 months old!) crying for someone to sleep with him (something we've never done - partly because he didn't like it as a baby). His younger brother co-sleeps and he demanded to have his brother sleep with him. Last nigh his brother obliged and they both went to sleep. An hour later he was crying to have a "grown up" sleep with him. It's so sad the way he's waking up miserable and crying for me. I don't really know what to do and I don't want to get him into the habit of sleeping with me or getting up for attention as I'm just now trying to wean his brother (who's 2) from our bed. I really don't want to bring another in in his place. For the past few days he's been SO whiny and miserable. So this morning I gave in and offered him a diaper. He pooped right away but his temperment has remained the same. He refused to nap without someone with him and has been screaming at me all day. I must sound awful and mean but I'm just trying to understand why all these things have all popped up at once. He won't poop, won't pee, won't sleep alone, crabby, miserable and tired. Help me see what may be the obvious! Thanks.

 

[monkey's mom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Megieblue He won't poop, won't pee, won't sleep alone, crabby, miserable and tired. Help me see what may be the obvious! Thanks.

Well, the obvious part to me is that he's very little still. He's not ready.

Pushing him before he his ready is clearly not working, right? So why not meet his current needs (pooping in the diaper, sleeping with a grown-up) and get things back in balance. When he is ready he'll poop in the toilet and he'll sleep on his own. Wait for his cues--not his promises or deadlines (I don't think he's old enough to be held to them)--and follow his lead. What's the hurry, really? He'll get there before you know it!

 

[Megieblue]

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I know he's still so little. It's just so hard to be yelled at and whined to all day and then awoken all night to pleas and cries. Plus he wakes his brother up and then everyone has to put back to sleep. And this whole poop thing has become a battle I didn't mean to get into. I feel like I struggle endlessly with him about things just because I can't give into his endless demands. When i do give in, the demanding gets worse. Sigh. You're right. He's still a little guy.

 

[snugglemama]

I'm so sorry you're going through a hard time. I think growing up can be more stressful and scary to our little one than we realize. Maybe he is feeling anxiety about taking the step to pooping on the potty and that is causing the sleep and behavior issues, too. My ds was afraid to poop on the potty. He peed fine, but asked for a diaper to poop. He even accidentally pooped on the floor once or twice while he and I were arguing over whether he could put on a diaper (boy I felt bad when that happened

) But I knew ds's personality and he is very reluctant to try new things in general. He prefers to watch the kids on the playground rather than go on the equipment himself, I had to convince him that yes, he could walk down stairs without sitting down or holding my hand, and he still does not use the pedals on his bike, he prefers to push himself along on his tricycle with his feet on the ground. Anyway, I was afraid it would take a long time for him to realize on his own that he could go on the potty so I decided to provide some external motivation (aka, a bribe). We went to the store and I let him pick out a "big" toy, and then I bought a bunch of little matchbox cars. I told him he could have the big toy the first time he pooped on the potty, then a little car each time he pooped on the potty after that. He started pooping on the potty right away and was very proud of himself ("look mommy! You like it?")

Maybe a reward system or a reward chart or some incentives would work? You've probably already thought of it.

I know how you are feeling, though. We are going through something similar with ds weaning. I tried putting limits on his nursing and his behavior seemed to get a lot worse (meaner, whinier, asking for it at night which he didn't used to do) so I went back to nursing like we had been

Sometimes we just have to remember that this too shall pass and things will eventually work out! I don't think your ds will be bringing his diapers to college!

Hang in there, and good luck!

 

[monkey's mom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Megieblue Your post brought tears to my eyes. I know he's still so little. It's just so hard to be yelled at and whined to all day and then awoken all night to pleas and cries. Plus he wakes his brother up and then everyone has to put back to sleep. And this whole poop thing has become a battle I didn't mean to get into. I feel like I struggle endlessly with him about things just because I can't give into his endless demands. When i do give in, the demanding gets worse. Sigh. You're right. He's still a little guy.

Oh, honey! I didn't mean to make you cry!

Believe me--I have a very demanding, very spirited little person in my midst, too. It is HARD!

And the battles are insane with these kids--I have to work so tirelessly to just not start them. :sigh: It's exhausting and I stumble a lot. Mostly, I just have to think of our relationship as NOT adversarial. Get rid of the win/lose scenario. Get rid of the "holding my ground"/"giving in" polarizing stuff. And just try to help him as much as possible. When he is the most demanding is when I need to be at my most patient, kind, tolerant. Jeez it's hard, though.

That's what I was trying to convey--just some perspective that he is still really a baby and you can stop this impasse without ruining your relationship or his character. In fact, stopping and regrouping and talking about how and why you are doing that might be the best thing. He'll see you thinking. He'll see you problem-solving and considering his feelings. The pressure will be off both of you (and the little brother and the rest of the family, too), and people of all ages do much better when the pressure's off.

When his needs are met, they will no longer exist. (This is my mantra!) Hang in there. It will all be OK. It is OK right now. Big hugs to you, mama!

 

[captain optimism]

I have not BTDT, yet.

I went to look this up in my favorite parenting book, Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, and apparently it's not unusual for a child to be physically ready to toilet train (or as they put it, toilet learn) but not emotionally ready. I am surprised!

Quote:

Often children who have learned to pee in the toilet still ask for a diaper when they need to poop. This is quite common; some children go several months using the diaper to poop, until they become comfortable with the idea of putting their poop in the potty. Parent can gently suggest and can enourage the child to shake the poop off the diaper into the toilet and flush it, but ultimately, it is the child who will decide. Inevitably, in a few weeks or months, she will be ready to poop in the potty, as well.

Hope that was helpful. It was helpful to me, to learn to expect this as a possible pattern!

 

[lilyka]

I guess he just isn't ready to go without diapers for pooping. my dd was the exact same as your son. One day we decided if we didn't give her the diaper she would have to go in the potty. 4 days later when thgere was no poop in site we gave in. She was misreable, crabby, not sleeping well and obviously backed up. we are talking about a girl who pooped regularly twice a day. When we gave her a diaper she pooped and pooped and pooped.

Definitely for now go back to the diaper. what are you gonna do. you can't force this sort of thing. I don';t know what the deal is but we figured it was just obsitinance but I guess not. Maybe it is but some kids have such strong wills that what works with most won't work with them.

Also he may be constipated. If he was still backed up it would explain his unsual behavior. you might want to put him a diaper, give him a mild laxative (as your Dr. or just use prunes/prune juice if he is willing, my kids love the stuff) Let him get it all out and then go back to your normal routien.

When we were going through this someone suggested limiting them to the bathroom while they were pooping. you may evenhave them sit on a small potty (the big potty might not give them the proper position for pushing it out or may be scary for them) I know I can't poop if my feet don't tough thte floor which is a problem in some public bathrooms (I am short). That way a diaper isn't making it easier for him to poop while playing or poop while watching TV (one of my dd problems was that she thought she was going to miss osmething by taking the time to poop in the bathroom) once we started confining her diaper wearing to the bathroom she gave them up pretty quickly and wihtout any encouiragement from us. One day she was peeing and cameout of the bathroom and said "I one with diapers now. i just poop in the potty now". go figure.

good luck. i would think a four year old with control over his bowls would be old enough to get it together and go in the can but for some reason this is just somehting some kids can't do. i never understood this with my dd and I am **** relitively convinced it was power struggle. but her will was (and often is) stronger than mine :LOL I can't hold my poo for 4 days if i tried. You tried for now, you obviously aren't winning this one today, so give it a break let things get back to normal and uner control and try again in 3-6 months. I seems to be causeing such an up roar that perhaps now is not he time to win this battle. Good luck though. I know how frustrating this is.

 

[Katambra]

Try this:

Tell him that he can have his diaper to poop in and that you are sorry over this battle. Tell him he can poop in the diaper but that he MUST be in the bathroom when he poops as that is the appropriate place. When he does this regularly, tell him that he may still poop in the diaper, but now he must be sitting on the toilet. When he does that regularly, start cutting holes in the diaper (I have never known anyone to need this step)

This worked really well for my son who refused to use the toilet because he was allergic to plastic (the potty chair burned him badly) and he couldn't be convinced that the toilet was not plastic.

Anyhoo, give it a try!

 

[Caring Touch]

How is his relationship with his dad? I am going to take a leap and say that these issues I have found usually relate to fear of the father. That may not be the case here, but I thought I would throw it out there. Could his dad spend more time with him? It might help if this is an issue.

Good luck,
Caring Touch

 

[Megieblue]

Thanks for the ideas. I gave him a diaper and like Katambra suggested, I apologized for the battle and told him to go ahead and poop in his diaper but he had to do it in the bathroom. He said fine. We'll see how that goes.

monkey's mom, your reminder of him being small was actually a great thing for me to hear at that moment. I really needed to be reminded. As I have a younger child, I always consider him a big guy and someone who should "just get it" about everything. He's truly just a little guy!

Caring Touch, DS is actually very close to his dad and DH is with him a lot. They having an extremely loving and open relationship. I truly do not believe this is the issue.