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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been crying on and off for about 7 hours tonight. I just had it out with my mom, who recently moved closer to us. We have a history of her causing me a lot of anxiety but I've done a lot to work on this and I honestly thought we had gotten to a new level. Today, she made it abundantly clear to me that she is still the same and without going into details, I'll just say, really crazy-making! This is all happening with 2 weeks till our EDD and she is supposed to be at our home birth to help. I'm literally having shortness of breath writing this. She gives me so much anxiety and now I feel like she's done it again, right as I'm about to give birth! My first thought is that I just need to cut her off-I'm so angry! But even doing that, gives me anxiety-she has a way of making me feel very powerless, like a child again. I just can't believe this would happen RIGHT now. And I feel really stupid for thinking she had changed and it would be alright to have her at the birth. I feel like this is my fault and I'm bring all this added stress to our family with the birth imminent. On top of that, I don't think I can sleep. AHHHHH!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s. Let me just say that I can completely understand! My mom is the EXACT same way for me. I'll type more later when I can - not too good at typing on this tiny keypad. But I couldn't read without sympathizing. I'll post more tomorrow.
 

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Lots of hugs and well wishes.<br><br>
I just wanted to let you also know you are not alone. But in my case it is my in-laws and not my parents or family.
 

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ddcc<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> In my case it's my MIL. Out of three (so-far) baby comecomings/arrivals, she has yet to not make it about HER. It's drama and mean and stressful and I have so much anger because we've never had a happy babymoon. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Are there any outcomes you can visualize that would make you feel less anxious? Outcomes that are in your control? If cutting her off causes drama, what about adding some distance? Changing your plans to have her at the birth might be one step--come up with an excuse that it be a smaller event? Or go into labor and don't let her know?<br><br>
I'm sorry. It's rotten timing and she shouldn't be doing this to you.
 

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Some of us just drew the *really* short straw when it came to the mom handout! I really feel for you. It's hard to know what to do, since you want to have the unconditional love from her that you know other people get from theirs.<br><br>
I don't know what your situation is, but I had to just give up on that. My mom, while 83 years old and in a nursing home, is still basically a mean girl. Since she raised me, she knows how best to toy with me for her own amusement. I let her know the last time I visited that since I was so close to my due date I would not be visiting again until after the baby, she would be kept informed and someone would bring her over afterward. This is what had to be done for the health and well being of me and baby.<br><br>
I knew another woman who just had to cut her mother out of her life. You have to decide what boundaries to set up to make you feel safe. *You* are the priority here.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
i'm so sorry you are going through this.<br><br>
a few weeks ago i had a similar experience with someone that was causing me anxiety. and i decided that the best thing to do for my baby and for me is to cut that person out of my life. it was hard, esp since i hadn't had any problems up until that point. but i was just so angry that they would intentially cause me stress so close to my birth b/c of their selfishness. it was hard, and i'm still upset, and waiting until after my birth to "tell them off", but it had to be done.<br><br>
i agree with mommers, you really have to make yourself a priority and cut out those that are toxic in your life. you don't deserve this kind of treatment from anyone, esp not family. i'm so so sorry you are dealing with this, esp now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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Now that I'm on a computer... my relationship with my Mom is the exact same way. I moved back from CA and talked my (then boyfriend, now DH) into moving back with me to be closer, thinking that things have changed. When I lived out there, everything was great! But I moved back and everything returned back to their old ways. She makes me feel powerless and like a child as well. She has this way of taking over and controlling things while criticizing me in the process. We are now planning on moving back to CA just because I can't stand it anymore. She is close to my DD which is going to rip my daughter to pieces since she doesn't really understand that "moving to CA" means not seeing Nanny that much anymore. But I just can't do it anymore. I don't like feeling co-dependent on her - I need to feel like an adult again and my own person. I think having that space between us really helped things before. I think it was because it was impossible for her to be as involved in my life living that far apart.<br><br>
Honestly, I don't even think she knows she's doing it. And I know she probably thinks she's just helping. It's just the way she is. Our relationship has always been like this - it's not going to change.<br><br>
After what happened with my DD's birth, when we decided to homebirth, I immediately said "I don't want my Mom at my birth." Well, now we've decided she's going to be there to entertain my DD. I wanted to try and have my DD there for her sister's birth and this is the only way. I'm *hoping* she'll be so busy with my DD she won't be able to get involved with the actual birth.<br><br>
Is there someone else who can help? Or what is Mom going to help with? I spoke to my Midwife and her assistants about my situation and they had suggested to me about giving my Mom "busy work" to keep her occupied and away from the birth as much as possible. (If that's even possible??) That way she feels like she's helping but not in direct contact with you and the birth. I plan on asking my Mom to take my DD to her house if having her there doesn't work out and she tries to take things over. We're just planning on telling her that I need some more peace and quiet than originally planned. Maybe you can talk to your Midwife about the situation and see if she can offer any suggestions/solutions, things for her to do, etc.<br><br>
I wish I could offer you some more suggestions but I'm kinda stuck in the same spot as you are. I just wanted to let you know that I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I do hope things work out for the best. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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The same thing happened to me with my mom, although it started earlier. It was like having a chronic condition the entire pregnancy (with my first son) that just kept getting worse. Right before I was due, the drama was continuing to escalate. So I told her I needed to take a break from her and not talk to her for a while. I promised someone would call her after the birth to let her know the outcome. We didn't speak again until my son was almost 6 months old. It was the best thing I ever did for myself and my new family. Our relationship is a lot better now, too, now that she knows I will enforce boundaries and stick to them. If she wants access to me and my life and her grandkids, she has to play by my rules.<br><br>
It was difficult to do the actual cutting off, but that part was brief. The relief I felt afterwards lasted a long, long time. You don't have to cut her off forever; it's totaly reasonable for you to do what you need to do in order to protect yourself, your child, and your birthspace. If you get anxious with her around, your labor will inevitably stall, you know? We're animals that way... when we sense "danger" in our birth space, it definitely interrupts/stalls/delays things.<br><br>
All this is just to say I really sympathize and I'm so sorry you're going through this right now! It IS really selfish of her to do this to you at ANY time, but especially now. It's not right or healthy. I hope you can carve out a little peaceful/powerful space for yourself! Feel free to PM if you want to talk more.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks so much for the support ladies! I just feel so raw and sensitive and knew it would be helpful to hear from some other mamas!<br><br>
Elyag: Thanks for your story. I can relate-as you say and I did think of that-about asking my midwife. I see her tomorrow and she's really great at knowing my personality and helping me when I feel "gray" so I know she'll have some words of wisdom. I'm sort of feeling that it's either all or nothing with having my mom at the birth.....either I make peace with it and feel good or she's just not there. I have a close friend who was at my dd's birth with me and she can help us so technically I don't NEED my mom.<br><br>
At this point I'm on pure exhaustion b/c I literally never went to sleep last night. I think my first order of business is to just get space from my mom for a few days and when I'm a little more centered make a decision about the birth (and quite frankly, at this point if I go into labor, she's not getting a call).
 
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