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I'm Starting To Not Believe Anymore

1632 Views 36 Replies 30 Participants Last post by  paquerette
Crisis of faith in the AP department. I guess I need some moral support or something.

I don't think my daughter really needs to be walked around when she's cranky. Why? What purpose does it serve? Why can't I just rock back and forth or bounce her if she wants to move around? Isn't she supposed to have outgrown this by now, anyway? I'm really starting to think she was spoiled by us doing this. How can I even believe that? Spoiled baby? I know better, but I don't know what to think anymore.

I don't think she likes nursing. G-d forbid I offer when she's not hungry, she screams and looks kinda like this smilie
, actually. It's like I offended her. Comfort nursing? Forget it. It makes her scream worse. But, on the other paw, what was up with the 1 1/2 hour munch last night? I doubt there was even any milk left. Did she actually want me around for a change?

I also think she hits me in the head and pulls my hair because she's mad at me. And that she only wants to nurse lying in bed so that I can't get anything done. And that there's something wrong with her because she fights sleep. I'm feeling kinda disillusioned because I thought all this breastfeeding and babywearing made happy babies, and she's not. And I really thought I'd be able to just pick up and go places, but she eats and sleeps so poorly away from home that I can't. Also my DH's "I'm an expert at taking care of babies" turns out to have been a bunch of

Someone please tell me I'm stupid.
Or well, in a GD way I guess, I don't want to suck y'all into the mainstream, too.
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My DS (now 4 and really lovely and lots of fun) was an Eeyore type of baby. Perhaps you have one too? He disliked me, nursing, cosleeping (but he hated being apart even more), being carried (but disliked not being w/me even more).
Does it help to think that perhaps he would be MORE unhappy if you were not doing these kind AP things?

Six months was a big turning point. Nine months was HUGE. Huge.
Actually it sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed and she is probably sensing it. She is 5 mo? She is going through a developmental phase and is learning what causes reactions.

It's frustrating, but it does get better.

Tonight, have DP take her, you go for a walk by yourself and then have a NICE relaxing bath. It will help!

Hugs, mamma.

Sounds like he needs some homeopathic Chamomilla...... 30c.
: I think y'all have excellent points.

I have thought about maybe this is just how her personality is, and maybe she would be more unhappy if I just parked her in a 'saucer in front of Baby Einstein all day. But then I waffle again... maybe she'd be happier... maybe she's sick of me.
. And yeah, sometimes when she's overtired, I just have to leave the room and she zonks right out. But I know she's not always sick of me.

4 mo. Things are definately shifting though. Different eating/sleeping/peeing patterns just in the last week. And I'm quite overwhelmed, but it's like the chicken and the egg, yanno? I don't know which one of us started it.

We've actually been using the hyland's teething tabs (yup, teeth coming, that's another contributer to the insanity here) and that has the chammomila in it. Should I try that all by itself maybe?
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My dd was the same. I went into motherhood with so much peace of mind. I had practically raised all of my younger siblings and been babysitting newborns since I was a teenager. Nothing phased me. Nothing until I gave birth to a high-needs baby...

The girl wouldn't fall asleep without a crying fit. Everytime. Screamed in the car. There were times I would be stopped at the side of the road sobbing. She would only fall asleep at the breast if she was pinching me - HARD - with her little fingernails. I thought "She hates me". She would only be consoled by me, not even her daddy. I felt like a prisoner. She refused to sleep, but when she did, she would only do so with me at her side. My parents were convinced our AP lifestyle made her this way. Until...

My ds was born. He is all joy and lightness. Naps for 2 hours! Cuddles, smiles, and coos. What I hope you learn that has taken me so much time is this: It isn't you, mama. It is the personality of your dear litte daughter.

I can only take comfort in knowing that anything less than AP would have seemed cruel for a child that needs so much. For us, there wasn't a golden switch that turned off some of these tiresome behaviors. Just time -- slow and gradual.

Hang in there -- doing what you are doing. It gets better, I promise!
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to you. Ds was a pretty miserable little guy also. Looking back, I think alot of it had to do with teething. He is not quite 10 months and has six teeth! The kid was teething since he was born. Hyland's teething tablets worked great for me ds. Sometimes I would have to give it to him three or four times before it would work. Nursing seemed to make his teeth hurt worse. Maybe that is what is going on with your babe.

On a lighter note, a pp mentioned that six months was a turning point and nine months a bigger one. ITA!! He became a completely different baby at six months. He wanted to play, explore his toys, watch the dogs, and crawl. He was too curious to be miserable anymore. Then at nine months, he stopped wanting held at all. Now, if you hold him, he asks to get down. He took his first steps yesterday, so I am assuming that he wants down to learn how to walk. Now he is always happy and smiling, but he has all the teeth he is going to get for awhile.

I am not sure if this is helpful, but this too shall pass. Hang in there. I know it can be hard. Take a bath and let dh care for her. Getting fifeteen minutes of you time will refresh you and make you more prepared to deal with the fussiness.
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Dd was an unhappy little camper.

Don't let anyone tell you AP makes babies perfect. I APed because I felt it was the right thing to do, not because it would make my child perfect which it certainly did NOT!

I feel your pain.

And let me tell you the payoff comes later when you see your child growing into a super compassionate person because you were compassionate to the child! It can take a long time though.

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The point of AP is to listen to your baby/child. Sometimes they want to be held close, and sometimes they want space to look around or explore. Sometimes they don't know what they want and just feel miserable. Sometimes they pick up on Mommy's tension and actually DO calm down more easily if Mommy and Baby spend a few minutes apart. You don't need to ignore your own needs just to satisfy the baby- in fact, if you're tense and frustrated from your own unmet needs, it's a lot harder to be calm for your baby. It's a balancing act- and you won't scar your baby for life if you don't meet every need she has the second she expresses it.

Some babies are quiet happy being bounced in one spot rather than being walked around. And no, they don't "outgrow" the need to be comforted by 4mo- the world is new and scary and her gums hurt and she needs you to help her make sense of everything. If one thing isn't working- try something else.

I do have some suggestions though, about the sleep issue. Some people are very sensitive to certain foods in their diets, some nursing babies are sensitive enough to react to something in Mom's diet.
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My first baby was very high needs and your story sounds really familiar. My second baby was soo different. Contented, rarely cried, slept TOO much. LOL!

Fast first fussy "baby" is now a pretty easygoing 16 year old ( he has his moments, but in all he is an easy kid.) My second, easy "baby" is now a 10 yr. old who will lie just because it is easier or more interesting, his hobby is complaining and he has quite a temper. What I have learned...this too shall pass. Both of my boys are wonderful in their own way and yes, I went through the 10 yr. old phase with my older son, so I am confident this will not last a lifetime.

Now if you asked my family, they would say we had spoiled both boys and just got lucky that somehow the older son "escaped" our wayward parenting just in time and will be okay.
When in reality, I think we are seeing the benifits of AP parenting now in my older son. Oh, and I wasn't a perfect AP mom...I made some mistakes, but if I fell off the wagon, I got back on.

I still believe AP works and hope my sons will AP their babies.
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Remember to take care of is essential in order to take care of your baby.
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2 high needs babies here...I have found that at the four month mark I have gotten totally worn out, both times. I think it's because you sort of expect the troubles to be over at 3 months, and when they're not...

Give yourself a little break, and definitely DO realize that it's not you. And AP doesn't make 'good' babies, it makes good people.
That being said, DS2 was angry like that. Just kind of mad at me, the world, whatever. I ended up taking him to the chiro for several adjustments, and he is a different kid, seriously. A sore neck would make anyone cranky.
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*hugs* Sounds like you are in a hard spot.

I don't know if it will make you feel better, but after APing my first three children I was so SMUG. They were happy, rarely cried, co-sleeping meant SLEEPING, and were always so happy and sociable with everyone.

Then came Slater. He was definitely a high needs baby. He was never happy. He finally started getting a bit happier around 9 months. I baby wore him, we co-slept, breastfed on demand (he also didn't appear to like nursing AT ALL, until at least 6 months old, now at 18 months he's OBSESSED with the boobies).

Now at 18 months he's a fairly normal toddler. Not much harder than any other 18 month old (the hardest age IMO). And thankfully I DID AP him. I shudder to think how he could've turned out if his discomforts had been ignored.

*hugs again.
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Remember that babies and kids are always more challenging (read:miserable) right before they learn a new amazing skill!
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Just adding a

at 10 mos. Elizabeth has not been more than 2" away from me for days......I think I see a tooth so hopefully this too shall pass
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My oldest is high needs. He refused to nap away from home but would get tired and start to scream. He ate every 2 hours on the hour, so that left me 1 1/2 hours to get out and back for the next nap. He slept A LOT, but only on his tummy. When I tried to put him down on his back he'd immediately wake up. He had colic for the first 10 weeks or so, although I'm convinced now that it was a non-stop growth spurt (he grew to 19 lbs during that time.)

I had never heard of AP before he was born. I breastfed because my mom did and my cousins and aunts do and I thought it was important. I thought that babies slept all night in cribs once they were old enough. I had babysat, but still didn't have a clue, although I recall learning that a swing was a lifesaver for a cranky baby.

So my point is that this baby (now aged 9) caused me to *find* AP in order to respond to his needs. I read Dr. Sears' books on fussy babies and tried slings and co-sleeping. So I doubt that your parenting caused this, if anything your child is very lucky to have a parent that will respond to his needs and not just plop him in a crib to cry himself to sleep because she needs her appointed break.

Hang in there.
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Just a quick skim 'cause I'm trying to hit the 1000 by midnight.
Thanks, folks. I do feel a lot better now. Helps that I've had a shower and a few hours of mdc time while everyone else is snoring.
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Originally Posted by paquerette
Just a quick skim 'cause I'm trying to hit the 1000 by midnight.
Thanks, folks. I do feel a lot better now. Helps that I've had a shower and a few hours of mdc time while everyone else is snoring.

Glad you feel better and it looks like you hit the 1,000 mark. Congratulations.
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