[DevaMajka]

Ok, I'm still gd.

But omg I do not like the mama I am sometimes right now!
We're moving to Vancouver Canada (from Ohio) in less than 3 weeks. We have to pack (its ongoing), find a home (nope, not found one yet), get across the border, dp doesn't have a job (but we have some money that was left to him), and I don't want to leave my family (I don't want to stay either, because its really important to dp to go). His family is out there, so they're helping find a home, and they'll help once we're there.
So, I'm stressed. I've become I royal jerk to dp. We have fought like twice in 5 years, and we have been close to fighting 5 times in the last week.

And poor ds. Geesh. I need to get a handle on myself. Most of the time, I'm good with it. Even if I have to "force" being friendly and cooperative.
But sometimes, I just get so irritated about stupid little things. And I react in stupid ways, that don't do a dang bit of good, hurt his feelings, and leave me feeling awful.
Like, he was playing with the pop cans. He had taken them all out of the box, and was stacking them, lining them up, etc. I was cooking dinner. I told him to put them back up, because I wanted to get the floor straightened. I really should have just stopped there. Because it really isn't a big deal to me to get the floor straightened. Sometimes, there will be a toy in the middle of the floor for days, just because I don't care that its there.
It was just bad after that. I was insisting he put them up, and getting more aggitated. (he didn't want me to touch them). I ended up yelling "pick up the cans now!" and he got soooo sad, and started putting them on the shelf. OMG my heart just about broke. I sat down beside him, and fixed it as best I could. I said "you're having fun lining those up." Then I helped put another in the line, so he'd know that he was welcome to keep playing. I said "I'm sorry" and all that.
It's happened a few times in the last few days. We usually are really cooperative with each other, and there is only a small amount of frustration at all on any given day (if any). I'm saying and doing stupid stuff, that isn't helping anybody, and is just causing MORE stress. Even dp started to say something to me about it, but he stopped because he KNOWS that I don't like it either, and I realize that its stupid.
I've even had thoughts, and half acted out on them, that are behaviorist- "he needs to LEARN not to do this." then insert some sort of "consequence" ick. I don't agree with that at all. But at least I know I'm anti-behaviorist, and the consequence never goes far. I doubt he even is aware of it at all. I can't think of an example, because those thoughts are pretty fleeting. Oh, it would be something like - if you're not going to pick up those cans, I'm going to put them all up so you can't play with them again. (but it didn't happen in that example, and I wouldn't have said it out loud)

Ok, so how do I keep myself from doing this? Ds has been a tiny bit less cooperative than normal, but I think that's just in reaction to the stress that dp and I are feeling. kwim? But the way I'm acting isn't his fault at all, its all me.

Ideas?

 

[captain crunchy]

Aw Becky, *hugs*. You sound really stressed out right now --duh, like you don't know that already

I think with all the stress you and your dp (and son) are under, I would just let some things go right now. Part of being a gentle parent is being gentle with yourself too... I can tell by reading your posts on here that you are devoted and determinded to be the best mama you can be and sometimes the stress of life can really throw us for a loop.

Maybe it would help in these moments to just stop all together and ask yourself (sometimes I even say it out loud strange as it sounds) "What is REALLY bothering me?" If you can, maybe write your thoughts down -- I am so stressed and scared we won't be able to find a house in time ... I am really anxious about moving so far away... I'm scared dp won't find a job he likes... I am going to miss my family and that makes me sad.... --- or whatever exactly it is you are feeling. Trying to come up with possible solutions helps too, but I find even just giving my feelings a name helps so much too.... sometimes I even write my worries down on paper and have a *mini* ceremony of tearing them up and throwing them away, or burning them, it's symbolic of letting them go from my mind for now.

Chamomille tea, tension tamer tea, lavender oil, and rescue remedy are my friends. I seriously would lose it sometimes without those things

Good luck, we are listening

 

[georgia]

Yes, yes, yes...I hear you, too. Muddle through by whatever means necessary. Moving can be so completely chaotic. It's easy to lose your bearings....we've moved FOUR times in the past year and a half. It's really tough with (and on) little people in the family. Now, I normally wouldn't be advocating this on MDC

: but perhaps a DVD (or two) during the day so you can either have some mommy time or packing time---and just get something done or just relax and regroup....having small easily-achievable goals for the day helped me, too. Like, take dc to the park, pack one small box. Check! And anything else is a bonus

I gotta run....

 

[DevaMajka]

Thanks, both of you.
Wow! Georgia- 4 times in 1.5 years! I bet you decluttered a LOT of stuff along the way.

I have to start drinking more tea- it makes me feel good

I think I've decided that my solution is to be permissive and child centered. (I'd say CL, but that seems like a lot more work than being permissive. lol) I'm being serious. lol I know those usually have a negative connotation, and its not ideal, but its been working really well so far today. I feel way less stressed. I think if I can let go of "but I have rights too" then it will be easier to just get along and cooperate. I think if I know that I am choosing to be child centered, I won't resent doing it. And its not forever.
Plus it takes away some sort of pressure to be a good teacher/parent. I guess my main goal right now is to get along. I'll save everything else for when I'm way less stressed!
I imagine things will be less stressful re: ds soon, as long as I remember that I have to cooperate with him, before he's going to want to cooperate with me.

Thanks again. I'm off to have some tea

I like the burning ceremony. I'll have to do that if I get in the right "place". kwim?

Ds watches videos, but I hadn't really thought of *offering* if he didn't ask first. I do take advantage of video time though! I like the idea of setting very small daily goals. It feels good to get something accomplished.
I did email a list of apartments to dp's parents to call (its pretty expensive long distance to Canada, and our phone is a business line so we get charged per call too), so I feel like I did accomplish something so far today

I'm going to focus on not saying anything negative today- to ds or dp. Just take it one day at a time. I bet I'll like it. lol

 

[captain crunchy]

Glad to see you are feeling a bit better. Hey, I don't think there is anything wrong with being *permissive and child centered* ...that is probably how my life looks on a daily basis

Seriously though, I totally got what you were saying when you said that --- I like to call it *fuggit parenting* ....ya know, when it probably would be best to find a mutually agreeable way to close the refrigerator but you're trying to read something on GD and she is just having too much fun playing in it and even though she is wasting electricity and the fridge is losing cold air... ya just say *fuggit* and know that sooner or later she will get it out of her system? Yeah.That.

Take care woman

 

[DevaMajka]

Quote:

Originally Posted by captain crunchy I like to call it *fuggit parenting*

omg, that's toooo funny! I love it. Yep, that's gonna be my motto for the next 3 weeks. lol
Its been going better. I haven't gotten a dang thing done- packing or cleaning, but ds is happy. lol It did get a little frustrating when he wanted to "play" video games, but didn't want to leave any one in for more than one minute. (I think he thinks he's going to find something really fun). Oh well. lol
Dp did say that it seems like I just need some more breaks, and that he'll start taking ds downstairs with him when he teaches. Most of the students don't mind at all, and ds usually plays quietly for the whole lesson. He suggested taking advantage of ALLL his teenage female students who have offered to come and play with Keagan while I pack. I think that's a good idea

I have a friend's daughter coming over tomorrow to play with him, while I do stuff. He just adores her, so I think it will go really well.

 

[lisac77]

Times I'm stressed are so hard for me. It's especially hard when you don't get a break. Sometimes everyone just needs a break, you know? Have you thought about giving yourself and evening out. Leave the kiddo w/DP for an evening and go do something you really like. For me it would be a pedicure and dinner out (with a good book) by myself. That is my idea of a break!

I agree that part of GD is being gentle with yourself. We all have days where we make something so much bigger than it has to be. I was an evil b***h to DS about a month ago. I made him pick up his toys in a really mean way, and then I cried for the rest of the evening because I felt so bad about being mean to him. When I tried to talk with him about it the next day, he was like, "Huh? When were you being mean?" Sometimes it doesn't come across to them in the way we think it does, ykwim? Maybe they're just going, "Wow, Mom has really

. That's weird. And scary." So maybe they cry a little and you apologize and they just wipe the slate clean.

I can't imagine the stress you all must be under. Try to take it easy.

 

[The4OfUs]

Ummm, yeah - what they said.

I'm right there with you - different reasons, same problems.

we had a good day today though, no major hysteria from any of us!

to all of us, and help being gentle with our kids AND ourselves!