[Fireflyforever]

It's exactly 2 months today since we said hello and goodbye to our beautiful baby daughter. Up until now I've been finding some sort of path through this - trying to see the positives in the journey I find myself on and focussing on my dh and living littlies, but this week I feel like I have sunk into a complete slump.

I am on antibiotics for a chest infection and possible UTI. DD1 has croup and ear infections in both ears plus AF showed her face so I know there are physical reasons why I feel like this. But, it stinks. It's like being back at the beginning when everything was so raw. I miss my darling so much and I feel very angry and frustrated that she is not here.

I WANT to heal and I do believe that I can come through this somehow but I can't see the way right now. Anyway, don't worry about replying - I just hoped that writing this all down might help. Sometimes it does.

 

[namaste_mom]

I want to reply Firefly. My healing also felt like it started over at 2 months PP. I think I was in shock for the first two months and gradually started feeling again and it was horrible. I agree that getting AF for the first time afterwards really sucks because in my mind I thought " I should be bfing and not getting af". Sometimes it feels like two steps forwad, 3 steps backwards. Eventually it does get better (((HUGS))). I read what you wrote on another thread... we are on parallel journeys...I'm just a little ahead...and I also hope that you have the same result.

 

[Vermillion]

I know you said not to worry about replying, but I'd like to anyway.

It's hard to find the right words for things like this, because well, there really are none... But I'm sorry for your loss, and that you're not feeling well.

It's hard to see the way on the "down days", none of it seems to make sense, does it?

I just wanted to let you know I've been there, am still there on some days. Probably not much help to hear that right now, but I guess sometimes it's nice to know you're not alone.

s

 

[lil_stinkyfeet]

I am sorry that you are having to go through this

 

[SMR]

Jill, we all have the down days! I always find that writing it down helps too. Just wanted to give you a big

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

 

[Vespertina]

Today marks one month since we lost Duncan. I think I'm beginning to heal and take it all in. The experience has taught me a lot about myself and how I can learn to adapt to this new reality. I try to keep my spirits up and remain optimistic. I made a journal entry today (sparked by milkymommi's birth story) that helped me process some of my feelings and get it all out. I wrote. I cried and cried some more. It all came flooding out. It was cathartic. I want to heal and I know I have to let myself be open to healing. Welcoming all of the emotions and feelings during the grieving process help me to do that.

I'm sorry you're struggling. It's normal and to be expected. We're here for you, momma.

:

 

[no5no5]

I have nothing to say but I'm sorry.

I hope you are feeling better soon.

 

[lisa_nc]

Jill, I don't have any wise words either. Make sure you are getting enough sleep. Not that it fixes things, but I find when I am worn down I can't cope as well. I know it sounds hokey, but I am thinking of you.

 

[JayJay]

Aww sweetie. It's normal to go through total slumps like this - don't think this is how it's going to be. Sometimes those slumps last for a little while - days or perhaps a week or so, and you have to drag yourself around for a bit, but it does get better. Writing and talking does help a lot. You're doing REALLY well - trust me, you really are and you're normal and you will be okay. If I were there I'd give you an enormous hug.

I'd describe it like this: it's like wandering through a bog forest on a thin little path. Every now and again you'll stray off the path a bit and find yourself knee deep in a bog. We will help you and each other to find our ways back on the path again, because there in the distance (can you see it?) is a light - it's the other side of the forest, and there's a beautiful meadow there full of wildflowers swaying in the sun; little bees busily doing their thing and various animals living their lives, and that's where we can all be in the end.

*ENORMOUS hugs* to you - MUCH love to you XXXXXX

 

[Cuddlebaby]

huge huge enormous empathetic hugs to you. I don't know what to say cuz I'm there too. worse than ever, although in my case it's cuz my mil just died and we've come to the conclusion of no more children which is the toughest decision of my life. so I'm in counseling. maybe you'd get some benefit from counseling?

more hugs and tears with yours,
Rebecca

 

[JayJay]

How are you doing today, my lovely and beautiful friend Jill? *HUGE hugs* XXX

 

[Milkymommi]

Not that it's much consolation.... but when you posted on the 14th it was actually exactly 8 weeks for me too and I am exactly where you describe. I thought I was going crazy AGAIN. Micah was born on the 19th but in terms of actual weeks it was 8 on the same day as you. To add insult to injury my dh has been away on storm work for 5 days. Writing my birth story was an outlet BECAUSE of my feeling like I was going backwards. I understand what you're feeling.

I wish I had some advice but if I did I would give it to myself. My only thought is that we are doing exactly what we should be... continuing to reach out for support and getting up to live and at least breathe.

 

[Fireflyforever]

Thank you all so much ... some of the terrible desolation I felt has lifted - I still feel very fragile but I can live there for now. I did write a long and involved reply to you all which I thought I had posted up earlier but it looks like the computer ate it ... grr.

I knew I was right to post here because there is always so much wisdom and compassion to be had. Thank you.

Cuddlebaby: I attend a bereaved parents group with DH and am definitely considering one to one counselling - will look into that in the new year. (((HUGS)) to you, your path sounds a tough one to tread at present.

JayJay: Going off topic a bit here but I liked the image of the forest and the meadow. It resonated I think because it was similar to the script of my vbac hypnobirthing cd - all about letting go of the negative emotions from a previous section. I guess the path through grief (irrespective of what we are grieving) is the same. Before I was grieving a birth experience, now I'm grieving my child, it's more intense but the emotions are familiar. I think you'd like the CDs JayJay, when you conceive your Rainbow vbac baby

.

 

[JayJay]

You'll have to tell me where to get them from! They sound awesome! *HUGE hugs* - you'll be okay. We're all there with you. I hope you have a peaceful day today. XXXXX

 

[Sanguine]

sorry you're having a rough time. Hang in there.

 

[mommato5]

I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. It has been a little over 6 months for me and I am still hurting. It feels worse now than ever. I think with holidays coming up, it doesn't help. So much happiness and festivity when we are dying inside. I wish I had some wisdom for you, but, I don't. We are all in this same place together.