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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We've got an appt. to see the divorce mediator Thursday (in just 2 days). We'll divide the assets. He's already got an atty. I just called one from the yellow pages today (who hasn't called me back yet). I better get his name off my credit cards and car ins. Is there anything else I need to do? Please advise.
 

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Cancel the cards and get new ones.

Don't agree to anything without talking to an attorney first. If you think your attorney is doing a bad job, fire him/her as soon as you can and hire another.

Be prepared for lots of unpleasant emotions, and for him to do/say things you never would have imagined.

Good luck.
 

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you want in mediation to make the medical decisions for your SN child ..
I had to check when I got divorced to see what all bills we had together and then he ran bills up when we separated that people wanted me to pay but I was able to prove I didn't live with him at that place and time

After mediation depending on what happens if you can put one of those " I am not responsible for debts incurred by XXXX after such and such date"

I know this is really hard but after reading your posts after the hard spots get smoothed I think you and your kids will be happier... ((HUGS))
 

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I would check out the Single Mamas forum for lots of great advice from women who have BTDT. Also, I would go to the library and go on-line and read up on divorce, your rights, how to make it work for your kids, etc.

As far as this attorney who hasn't called you back - forget about him/her. If they don't call you back now, that is NOT a good sign. Find someone else. Start calling all the ones listed in the book - you should get a free consultation from someone who will estimate up front how many hours your case will take, how much it will cost per hour, etc. You also need to find someone you trust and click with. Ask around - do you have any friends, relatives, or acquaintances in the area who have recommendations for divorce lawyers?

Do NOT make any final decisions tomorrow with the mediator. Although there is probably a strong impulse to get on with things, you need to know your rights and responsibilities and you need professional advice on alimony, child support, visitation rights, etc. In short, you need professional help - most especially because you have a special needs child, and your past and future care of her must be taken into consideration in any divorce settlement.

Good luck, mama. This will probably be a hard row to hoe, but from reading your other posts it sounds like a step in the right direction for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
That lawyer did call me back. He tried calling me several times on my cell which wasn't on me. So we had a lengthy conversation and I'll be calling him for an appt after our mediator appt tomorrow. I feel that I cannot care for my daughter alone--she's a medically fragile, severely handicapped, high needs child I simply cannot handle--especially as a single mother. Just last night I had to take her the emergency room because her gastronomy tube came out and we didn't have a replacement. I came home at 2 am, having to keep my mother at my house with my son till then. It's too much what this child continues to put me/us through. I can't take it anymore. So I'm granting my husband full custody of her.
 

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I am admittedly totally ignorant to your situation. I am just wondering if it isn't possible for you to have some hired help with your daughter? As opposed to just giving her to your husband. How is he more capable than you to care for her? Not that i question whether a dad can do that because i KNOW they can. I can't even imagine what it is like to have a high needs child like your daughter so i also can't even begin to know what i would or could do.

I hope everything works out for the best for you and your children. My thoughts will be with you.
 

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Like the others said, I too am totally ignorant of your situation. I would just say 1) don't agree to anything without consulting an attorney, even if you are convinced you want to give him full custody, 2) don't talk to your husband unless it is 100% necessary, 3) assume you are being tape recorded when you DO talk and assume he will save every one of your emails, 4) if your husband has full custody you might end up paying quite a bit of child support, 5) in the negotiations, make sure to always demand more from him (visitation/ child support, whatever) than you expect to have.

The single mamas board here does have lots of women who have BTDT.
 

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Is your husband willing to take her and just her? I understand where your coming from, especially about going to the ER and having to find care for another child. I thought the state had given you more hours of care for your daughter? Can your husband take care of her properly? Can you afford to pay the child support the state will expect you to pay him? If she was a normal child you probably wouldn't but since she's high cost you will probably be paying him to care for her. I feel like I'm being harsh but these are realities and you may have or have not thought about them. I know right now your probably thinking "I need a f***ing break from this child." (BTDT) and may have consciously or unconsciously not addressed these issues. Have you looked into finding a loving group home to take the burden off of both of you? I would also post this in the SN forum since SN parents have high divorce rates and face different issues then regular mothers.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I don't think I'll have to pay him child support. He makes more money than I do. In fact he'll have to pay ME child support for my son. I think my husband is capable of taking care of our daughter. He won't hear of sending her to an institution--I've tried to convince him in the past that it would be best.
 

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Just some random thoughts from someody who has gone through a divorce- first of all, I went with a female law firm that only takes women clients_-I would highly recommend this if you have it availale in your area, she was very good. Also, a mistake I made was assuming that certain things would never be an issue and choosing to have them left out of the agreement_ MISTAKE! I'm sorry but I don't know the exact situation around your daughter-I'm just wondering if this is a decision that might be best made maybe in a year, when things have settled a bit. Just a thought. All the best to you and your kiddos!
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Well, tomorrow is the big day. I just got off the phone with my husband --I was trying to grapple with him as to whether we should go for a divorce or a separation agreement, I was trying to confirm that he in fact doesn't want to be with me and doesn't want to work on the marriage. So we argued about stupid stuff for over an hour. And still I'm not clear about what he really wants. I'm frankly not sure what I really want. All I know is that I don't feel very wanted by this man. He says that he doesn't want to be with me ALL the time. But I feel that there really isn't any time that he wants to spend with me. We've been living like roomates. This is not acceptable to me. I want more than this out of a significant other. Am I expecting too much? I feel like we're about to jump off a cliff. Sure, the exhilarating freedom of soaring through the air may sound appealing at first, but then SPLAT--harsh reality sets in. We're going to be paying the mediator over a hundred bucks an hour and we're still not exactly sure WHY we're going to see him. I went to a divorce support group yesterday and heard some of the problems people had with their husbands--doing drugs and having an affair, none of which my husband ever did. He's basically a good man and a good father. He just doesn't love me.
 

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do not agree to anything in mediation that you are not 100 % sure is OK with you. I have known situations where couples have ended up in court and a judge held them to a mediation agreement from two years ago! be careful. remember that while it may seem unexpected...people get strange in divorces. people do things you wouldn't expect. cover your ass and your childs first. being polite and friendly needs to come second. come on over to single parents.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Well, we spent over $262 at the divorce mediator's and we have nothing to show for it--no settlement agreement, nothing but a deficit in our checkbook. We spent virtually the whole hour and a half trying to decide why we were there in the first place. Divorce? Separation? Working on the marriage? I think we decided on divorce. So next week we have to spend even more money.
 
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