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29 Posts
Let me start by saying that I'm not quite sure what my intent is in posting this. I think maybe I just want to let my feelings out, because I have nowhere else to do so.
I'm five months postpartum. Since I went back to work two months ago, I've been having off and on problems with depression. Right now they're definitely "on." My memory has become so bad that I can't remember anything DH says. The littlest things make me angry or weepy. (Today, arriving at the cafeteria after closing hours brought tears to my eyes. Not being able to find a cashier at a store made me furious.) I'm fatigued, I can't concentrate at all, and I'm disgusted with myself because I can't get anything done. The only part of life I find joy in now is when I get home from work and get to snuggle with my sweet little boy. That's like a ray of sun through the darkness.
I finally went to see my doctor today and she ordered blood tests for hypothyroid and gave me a Rx for Zoloft. (More on that later.) As I was walking out, I got a call from work.
I'm a consultant, which means I do work for a client. I also work in a male-dominated field. Well, apparently the client I've been with for over a year has announced they're getting rid of me because "I'm never at my desk." Hello, I breastfeed! What am I supposed to do, pump milk in my cubicle while men walk by and ogle?! I would imagine they're also not happy about the fact that I can't get as much done now. Thanks, postpartum depression.
If my employer can't get me a new client, I'm out of a job. I have no recourse against the client for any kind of medical or mommy discrimination, because they're a client, not my employer. They don't legally owe me anything. So whoopie, I get to update my resume and pretend to be enthusiastic about interviewing. I never imagined that breastfeeding and depression would get me fired. So much for advances in women's rights.
We just found out a few weeks ago that my DH's company is undergoing a merger, and his position is being phased out. So we already have to worry about him finding a new job. His brother (in another country) is in the hospital right now with all sorts of health problems, and if things make a turn for the worst, we'll need to find money somehow so that DH can go see his brother.
DH doesn't understand my depression, I think, or if he does, he doesn't know how to deal with it--and he has plenty of problems of his own. He seems to want to avoid the issue. I have no family support; my family pretty much disowned me because I got into it with them over their alcoholism five years ago. My only friends live over a hundred miles away.
Some days I feel like if I didn't have my little guy to snuggle at the end of the day, I'd just want to step in front of a bus.
So now I have this Zoloft Rx, and I don't even want to take it. I've been on antidepressants before, and they left me with lots of side effects and helped only a fraction of the time. And how the hell am I supposed to get a new job now, when I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning? Getting a new job requires effort, and I don't have any of that to spare.
Tell me if this is crazy, or at least familiar: I have this overwhelming desire to just START OVER. We have no ties here. I want for us to just sell our house and our stuff, and move somewhere with a cooler climate. Buy a smaller house, get rid of the extra car, get rid of our stupid material crap, maybe I could take just a part-time job so that I could have a few days a week with the little man. Seattle, Alaska, HELL, Scotland, I don't know. I just want to start a new life. Maybe that's the depression talking. Maybe I'm deluding myself into thinking that if I leave it all behind, things will get easier. DH thinks I'm nuts. "We couldn't move with so little in savings," he says. Always the voice of reason. Way to make me feel trapped.
I don't know what to do. The last time I had a day like this, I whomped the punching bag in the basement and badly pulled a back muscle. So now I don't even have that as an outlet.
Any kind words, advice, been-theres, or heck, even a snap-out-of-it-slap-in-the-face, would be appreciated. Thanks for letting me vent. It's good to have this forum.
I'm five months postpartum. Since I went back to work two months ago, I've been having off and on problems with depression. Right now they're definitely "on." My memory has become so bad that I can't remember anything DH says. The littlest things make me angry or weepy. (Today, arriving at the cafeteria after closing hours brought tears to my eyes. Not being able to find a cashier at a store made me furious.) I'm fatigued, I can't concentrate at all, and I'm disgusted with myself because I can't get anything done. The only part of life I find joy in now is when I get home from work and get to snuggle with my sweet little boy. That's like a ray of sun through the darkness.
I finally went to see my doctor today and she ordered blood tests for hypothyroid and gave me a Rx for Zoloft. (More on that later.) As I was walking out, I got a call from work.
I'm a consultant, which means I do work for a client. I also work in a male-dominated field. Well, apparently the client I've been with for over a year has announced they're getting rid of me because "I'm never at my desk." Hello, I breastfeed! What am I supposed to do, pump milk in my cubicle while men walk by and ogle?! I would imagine they're also not happy about the fact that I can't get as much done now. Thanks, postpartum depression.
If my employer can't get me a new client, I'm out of a job. I have no recourse against the client for any kind of medical or mommy discrimination, because they're a client, not my employer. They don't legally owe me anything. So whoopie, I get to update my resume and pretend to be enthusiastic about interviewing. I never imagined that breastfeeding and depression would get me fired. So much for advances in women's rights.
We just found out a few weeks ago that my DH's company is undergoing a merger, and his position is being phased out. So we already have to worry about him finding a new job. His brother (in another country) is in the hospital right now with all sorts of health problems, and if things make a turn for the worst, we'll need to find money somehow so that DH can go see his brother.
DH doesn't understand my depression, I think, or if he does, he doesn't know how to deal with it--and he has plenty of problems of his own. He seems to want to avoid the issue. I have no family support; my family pretty much disowned me because I got into it with them over their alcoholism five years ago. My only friends live over a hundred miles away.
Some days I feel like if I didn't have my little guy to snuggle at the end of the day, I'd just want to step in front of a bus.
So now I have this Zoloft Rx, and I don't even want to take it. I've been on antidepressants before, and they left me with lots of side effects and helped only a fraction of the time. And how the hell am I supposed to get a new job now, when I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning? Getting a new job requires effort, and I don't have any of that to spare.
Tell me if this is crazy, or at least familiar: I have this overwhelming desire to just START OVER. We have no ties here. I want for us to just sell our house and our stuff, and move somewhere with a cooler climate. Buy a smaller house, get rid of the extra car, get rid of our stupid material crap, maybe I could take just a part-time job so that I could have a few days a week with the little man. Seattle, Alaska, HELL, Scotland, I don't know. I just want to start a new life. Maybe that's the depression talking. Maybe I'm deluding myself into thinking that if I leave it all behind, things will get easier. DH thinks I'm nuts. "We couldn't move with so little in savings," he says. Always the voice of reason. Way to make me feel trapped.
I don't know what to do. The last time I had a day like this, I whomped the punching bag in the basement and badly pulled a back muscle. So now I don't even have that as an outlet.
Any kind words, advice, been-theres, or heck, even a snap-out-of-it-slap-in-the-face, would be appreciated. Thanks for letting me vent. It's good to have this forum.