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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband arranged a month in advance to get the day off work so I don't have to be alone. I'm fighting the urge to spend the entire day in my room and never come out. I don't want to look at anyone and have them look at me in that way. I think everyone knows what I mean.

I'm starting to get anxious and angry and just generally not doing well... the other day I was pawing through our filing cabinet looking for a document we seem to have lost and I accidentally pulled out his death certificate. I started having a panic attack and by that evening I was literally on the kitchen floor hyperventilating. I haven't had an attack that bad in a long time. I think I'm feeling more now than I was at the time of his death and yet I still have trouble believing it happened to me. IT seems so far away.
Now I'm feeling mad that I don't have his birth certificate. They said he had a birth certificate and send me a notice more than a month after he died that I hadn't filed for one (I didn't know I could). I applied for one and they never gave it to me. I just want it for a solid reminder that he was alive at birth even though I never saw him that way.

Now I'm holding my second son and he looks so much like Jericho they could be twins. In their newborn pictures they are identical and I'm just waiting for Xan to outgrow this stage of life so he looks more like himself and less like his brother. When he's sleeping deeply I still get struck with panic thinking he's dead and all I see is Jericho in my arms.
I'm also getting really sick of people saying things like, "If Jericho hadn't died you wouldn't have Xan" since I got pregnant six weeks after. Is that supposed to make me see the "Bright side" of my son's death? It doesn't.
:
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by littleteapot View Post
I'm also getting really sick of people saying things like, "If Jericho hadn't died you wouldn't have Xan" since I got pregnant six weeks after. Is that supposed to make me see the "Bright side" of my son's death? It doesn't.
:
I hate that!!!

I hope the day is healing and not as bad as you are anticipating.
 

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I think mourners should get a button or a tshirt that says: "Just keep your mouth shut and hug me."

I'm so sorry for your loss.
 

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Thinking of you, mama.
s The anticipation of Reagan's b-day was the worst. The actual day was very peaceful. I hope you are able to celebrate his short little life today with your new little one, Xan, and your DD. Gentle hugs, mama.

Happy Birthday sweet Jericho!
 

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i can only cry thru you guys...i still feel so crazy numb about my Rain most of the time
so i can sob for you and your son and your panic and your desire for some proof that he was once certified alive
even tho now he is not.

yes damn it, we do need a button to wear that says "shut up and hug me"
i have to tell my dh something like that every night.

i walked bare foot thru wet leaves last night until 4 AM
under the moon
pacing back and forth the side walk infront of our house....feeling glad to feel that cold
it made me feel alive

this road we walk as mothers is full of terrible beauty

you are beautiful in your holy sorrow, never forget that.
i am surrounding you and your family with love and light...
 

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Babs, if hiding in your room on Jericho's birthday is what you wanted to do, then I hope you did it.

But I hope you get to the point someday where his birthday is a day when maybe you cry a little, then go do something a child would want his mama to do...maybe walk in a park or eat some ice cream or go shopping for something nice for yourself, listen to music, turn your face toward the sun....

I am struggling with this too, how to keep my miscarriages from being a sad legacy. I don't think that's what my little unborns would want. All of my m/c's have happened over holidays, and I am sad, and will always, always remember them, but then I want to move on with the holidays. I love to celebrate, decorate, entertain for holidays, and my babies' legacies will not be to take that away from me.

I don't mean to lecture, and I hope this doesn't hurt you, but helps. I do understand that your loss is light years away from mine. And everyone needs to deal with things in their own way, and I do respect that, for all the mamas here.

If only all of you realized how often I think of you, and hope peace finds all of us.
 

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Babs- I really don't know what to say... Just sending you hugs and love and understanding.

Oh dear God, I never ever thought I would understand how you feel...

I am sorry for your pain. I wish I could erase all of this for all of us.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Jaya,

I have no words, just understanding and an ear for you.
 

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