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I really felt drawn to share in this moment. Some of you will understand and<br>
some of you might not, but that is okay.<br><br><br><br>
I just got my period. A couple of hours ago. For the first time in three years.<br>
I feel overwhelmingly sad and sweet and gentle and womanly about it.<br><br>
This is the very last time I ever get to get my period back for the first time.<br>
My womb, that has held five babies in it, is going to be forever empty.<br><br>
It brought me into my womanhood at the tender age of twelve, when I was walking home from school on a spring afternoon. I felt a small trickle, and it quickly turned into a flood. I was so excited and spent many a day just waiting to change my pad! I was laid low by fierce cramps at times, and even stayed home from school when my mom would let me.<br><br>
I carried my first daughter in my womb for almost ten months. It didn't ever<br>
fail me, even when my birth attendants did. It was my uterus that saved the day, in spite of bright lights and medications and people who didn't believe in me.<br><br>
And it didn't fail to hold my husbands seed (that is sperm ladies *I am waxing<br>
poetic here*)when it realized that I needed my second daughter in my life, long before I did. It held her in tightly and kept her safe while I was scared and all alone. But I found a home in my home and pushed her out, so sweetly, and learned about the fetal ejection reflex and posterior presentation.<br><br>
And again, it was there for me with my third daughter. It held her in safe and<br>
sound when I was puking my guts out. It got her out when I felt I couldn't.<br>
Because it knew the way. It was very well used by her.<br><br>
And I bled after four months with each child. No matter how many I was nursing.<br><br>
But then I let out three eggs. And each became a child. And then three became two, and they decided to stay with me. And my uterus protected them. And stretched with them. And housed my placenta's that nourished them.<br><br>
And then it let me have my sweet babies. After fourty weeks. And I didn't bleed at all.<br><br>
And now, TWO years later, I hadn't bled for three years. Until today. My<br>
husband holds me and let's me cry that I can't have anymore babies. We made the choice together not to. I get too sick. I understand it. But it is so<br>
bittersweet to know that I will bleed every month and carry no more babies in my belly. It is really really sad and....quiet.<br><br>
I am a mother. I am a doula. I am a (almost) midwife. And this is a new journey for me. Please think of me as I go into a place in my life where I don't have a tiny one.<br><br><br>
I really wish I had my red tent tonight.
 

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i just got mine at 11 months pp and i enjoyed reading this <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> it will be bittersweet every month knowing we aren't planning anymore LO's.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I just got my first "real" period since have ds2 in September '08. I don't know for sure if we'll be having any more children, but either way, I enjoyed this. Thank you for sharing <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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That was beautiful! Thanks so much for sharing it with us. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Beautiful<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"> Be overjoyed that you have this wonderful gift to share with other mothers.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Thank you for sharing
 

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thank you thank you thank you for sharing this! i am all teared up reading it. i also just had my 1st pp AF (several hours ago actually). it's been 3y2m for me. ds is our last. we've discussed it many times. i have a 6y old daughter. there are a lot of reasons, i won't digress. what i related to was your sadness. i can't put words to it like you did, but there was something about that moment for me as well. my 1st pp AF after dd was nothing huge. i knew there would be another pregnancy, baby, that my cycle would march on with purpose. this time....it was so different.<br><br>
again, thank you for sharing.
 

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I read your birth story in Mothering last year. It was interesting and I enjoyed it.<br><br>
What you've written here is beautiful and empowering. Thank you for sharing. : )
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I was so excited and spent many a day just waiting to change my pad!</td>
</tr></table></div>
I thought this part was so sweet and funny.<br><br><br>
Thanks for sharing such a great post with us <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Beautifully said mama. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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That was beautiful. I got my tubes tied when I was 23 after having 2 preemies so I can understand. It seems like a cruel reminder each month when I get my period and know I won't ever be able to have any more children. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter #14
I am very glad that there are women who understand what I felt as I wrote my story. It really helps a lot!
 

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Thank you for this. I haven't had a PPAF since my son's birth in July 08, but I wonder what it will be like for me, emotionally, when it happens... since he, too, is my last. I don't wish for more children, but my uterus has also been there for my children, faithfully allowing them to grow and bringing them into the world without complication, always coming through for me and them. It is strange to not have had an AF yet but I don't worry too much about it... yet I understand those words you wrote.<br><br>
Thank you again.
 
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