<<And the BIG issue right now is me going back to work. HE is the one who wants me to go back and I want to stay home (it was a HUGE argument). So when we told his family that I am going back they just kept talking about how hard it will be on DH to come home and not have supper on the table and was it worth it for me to go really, seeing as daycare costs so much (my Dad will be watching ds)? DH wasn't there at the time, and I don't think they believed that this was him convincing me to go back. >>
YIKES! I would stay way out of the loop. My MIL is very interfering, and I just stay out of it! I do, however, avoid being alone with her at all costs, since DP will intercede as needed.
When she 'suggests' something (like telling me what we're going to do) I innocently respond, "Oh! Prem hasn't told me that we need to do that yet! I'll have him call you about it." Then I leave it to him to handle it. When she offers the kids cookies and cake for breakfast, I say, "Prem? Can you help your mother with this?" knowing that he will over-rule and get more appropriate foods. She probably thinks I'm the model of a docile subservient wife! Nah.
One thing I try never to do is complain to him about her! I figure he's got enough to deal with without me griping about his tedious mother--let's leave her out-of-sight and out-of-mind. Besides that what girlfriends are for! And, when he wants to vent about her I try to be very sympathetic to her!
For example, if he's angry because she's trying to push his buttons, saying stuff like, "A good son would take care of his parents--most people my age don't have to work, etc." I defend her when he goes on about it (they're early 60s, live 2 people in a half-a-million dollar, 4K sq.ft. home, they buy new cars--Mercedes or Lexus every year, and are self-employed in a way that they could determine their own schedule etc.) But I just say, "Oh, she's probably just worried about your father's health and doesn't really mean what she's saying." or "She's probably talking about your brother and wishing he were more responsible." and so on.
I know she's a cunning, manipulative, woman--I don't have to remind him!
I'd just play the submisssive wife on this one. "Yes, Mother Van Gogh, I know it will be very hard, but really, you should be sharing your concerns with Vincent."
Trabot, that sounds like the kind of thing I'm doing already, only I try to be more sympathetic, instead of saying "That doesn't surprise me. . ." I say something like "She's probably just unhappy," and then move on. Sounds like a good book, but it is about your relationship with DP or with the obnoxious relative?
That's what I need, cause I tell ya', I live in constant worry about my FIL's health! Just let me get the children raised before I have to deal with the MIL's need to be taken care of! She's very manipulative and very cunning. She's gotten me more than once!
But enough about me. Do be clear about your will and guardianship issues. You can write a plan with your attorney, that addresses specifics like child-rearing/education concerns for your guardian--can't remember what it's called exactly, though. You should probably make copies of your will, plans, etc. for all concerned parties--we gave them to my parents, our guardian, our Medical POA person, and one brother. Not to the ILs, though, because it would start a whole big issue with them, though we probably really should do so, I'm confident that if they tried to cause trouble, what we have is quite clear--specifies not only legal guardian but that children are to reside with him until they attain a certain age, etc. DP made sure that there can be no mistaking our intentions and had our attorney re-write it several times. She said it was wise because of a recent case in which someone was appointed legal guardian but that ended up meaning that they had to sign any papers, forms, etc. but the child was ordered to live elsewhere (situation was more complicated that ours with Exes, and Steps- and so forth)
Ramble over, family's home now and I gotta get them fed!