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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
with what seems like everything!!! I am new here and an admitted lurker! I like seeing what people have to say but here is my dilemma: I am 34 weeks along and my husband and I have been planning a homebirth since before we got pregnant. So excited about this!! We have the greatest midwife ever and we are very excited. (As I already said) I have absolutely no family and very little friends outside of married couples who are childhood friends of my husband where we are living. We own a home and have established a life together where we are. His entire family lives within an hour from us, along with his ex-girlfriend who some of his family believe he should have married instead. (Another issue I guess, aside from the pictures of her and my husband that are all over their house...)<br>
1. Everyone is against us! They want to either be involved in the homebirth or think that what we are doing is wrong. We have already decided in our marriage, to make this even between us. This is our first baby and we want a quiet, intimate, free environment.<br>
2. I am planning on breastfeeding for an extended amount of time and ONLY pumping for emergency situations. I will probably do it for a week and freeze it and put the pump away. My IL's feel like they should get to bottle feed and that they should get to babysit right off the bat.<br>
3. We are not circumcising for very researched and informed reasons and they are all fighting us on this. IT'S NOT THEIR BABY!!!! WHY DO THEY CARE???<br>
4. I am the kind of person who is very territorial and since this is my first baby, I really don't like the "pass the baby" game some people tend to play. I am against it really and debating skipping out on family events for a while and no one but my husband and midwife understand this!<br>
5. We are very in AP-ing our baby. All that it entails and they are all very against this too!!<br><br>
In fact, what aren't they against? My MIL wants to buy used baby things for her house when we have perfectly good and new things that haven't been damaged of puked on by some other family. She is mad that we are brand loyal in certain things like diapers and bottles. She thinks they are all the same. I just feel so bombarded. Things get worse by the day. Something new continually comes up. Lately it's been the spoiling issue. They keep talking about how they are going to spoil him but they don't want to get anything we have on our registry the way it is. My mother has spent a ton of money helping us get things and his family, even though they have money, have spend about $120. I know it's not the money that counts...I know this. But my mom flew me out to see her on the other side of the country and spent about $500 on things for the baby, sent us another $500 for other things, paid for the baby shower we had to throw ourselves, and is insisting that the things that aren't given off our registry, she is going to buy for us. PLUS, she is setting up a hefty college fund for our little guy. Please don't get me wrong...I just feel like this is my IL's first grandbaby and you would think they would want to help out a little more. They complain about how expensive our taste is because we are using pampers!!!<br><br>
I am completely strong in the things we are doing and I stand firm. It is just hard for me to defend without being offensive. I have a very strong personality. Up til now, I have remained quiet and just flown under the radar thinking to myself, "I don't think so..." But I know that once he comes, I am going to flip out should they cross that line. I just don't know what to do! I want to find people in my area that have or are having children close in age who are like-minded so that I feel supported and can offer support. I guess my biggest consolation is that we live in a gated-guarded community and no one can come in unless we call them in first. This saves us from having them here un-wanted for the birth and having any visitors we don't want after the birth. Even my mom is putting her trip here off for a couple weeks so that we can bond as a new family without intrusion. Some people, I guess, just don't get it.<br><br>
I really don't know what I am seeking here but maybe just some support that I am not being crazy. Our midwife is a great support but she is not getting paid to take my emotional emails!!!! My husband is great too but he doesn't have it in him to stand up to his family. Oh please tell me there are other women out there who are going through this same thing...please please please.<br><br>
~~*Kristina*~~ wife and expecting <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/pos.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="positive"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/babyboy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Babyboy">: via <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/homebirth.jpg" style="border:0px solid;" title="Homebirth"> 10-18-07 planning to <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bf.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bf">: **<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/saynovax.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="no vax"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/signcirc1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="sign circ"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/nocirc.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nocirc"> and living <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/goorganic.jpg" style="border:0px solid;" title="go organic">: hoping to <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/homeschool.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="homeschool">:<br><a href="http://www.totsites.com/tot/3seawell" target="_blank">www.totsites.com/tot/3seawell</a>
 

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Kristina, I don't think you are being crazy at all. My ILs were like this with DS#1 and instead of standing up to them, I created a horrible situation for me and for my son. They wanted him all the time, they wanted him overnight, etc. I was pretty young then and not assertive enough - it was my own fault. (Of course he has Asperger's and now MIL doesn't want him around, but that's another topic...)<br><br>
I advise you to decide which battles are important and be prepared to fight them. I do a lot of "smile and nod" when my MIL says something I don't agree with if I'm not in the mood for a fight. However, it is now my way or the highway as far as my children are concerned. My 5 y/o has never spent the night with them yet because MIL refuses to be sensitive to his needs (he is a bedwetter some nights and she would shame him). I just tell you this to be sure you know you may be in for a lengthy issue about your childrearing.<br><br>
Congratulations and good luck with your new little one. We didn't allow anyone over visiting for a few weeks after our homebirth with DD, and it was WONDERFUL - so much easier to get into the breastfeeding groove that way too.
 

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One easy conflict avoidance is to keep the baby in a sling in your ILs' presence. "Oh, he's nursing" and "Oh, he's sleeping now" make people less inclined to be pushy about passing the baby. I'm sure several people now respect the boundary of the sling since peeking in mine (w/o permission) and getting a good view of my boob. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
~BV
 

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I also think that wearing a sling and breastfeeding help establish some great boundaries. We went to quite a few big family parties just a few weeks after our son was born, and he was never passed.<br><br>
My in-laws do not really believe in the methods we have chosen either. I do not tell them anything they do not really need to know. We did not tell them we were having a homebirth until we had it. I did not want to deal with any questions or comments. I limited the amount of time that we spend with my in-laws, which helps a lot. My son is going to be three next month, still nursing, and the comments have been minimal.<br><br>
They have never babysat either. This is probably the most contentious subject, but we never do anything without him. I told her I would let them know when we needed them, and I basically ignored all other comments and suggestions after that.
 

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I am also very picky about who holds DS. A few weeks ago there was a family party. I had DS in the sling for several hours but he finally woke up, fed and wanted out of the sling. I was worried because I knew the scarier members of my family were going to want to hold him and although I'll stand my ground, I also wanted to avoid a confrontation. My sister (who's on the short list of people I'm okay with) came up with a good idea. She suggested having DH hold DS since the family is less likely to try to take him from DH. Also, DS is never quite as happy with DH as he is with mommy (probably has to do with where the food comes from <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> ) so it scares people off too. DH can just say, he's not happy right now (he doesn't cry or anything, just a little irritated).
 

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Oh, hugs momma. I don't want to stick up for the in-laws but, after having been through it with my own family, I can say that they are probably well-meaning and excited. It doesn't mean that it's right or fair of them to assume that they will have free access to the new baby. My step-mom was so excited and couldn't wait to get her hands on our bundle--I think she ended up holding her maybe 2-3 times in the first year of my dd's life. We just did not play pass the baby. Wearing a sling helps a ton. We also spent a lot of time saying, "Oh, she's fine right now" or "Ah, she needs to nurse". My dd would always fall asleep at the breast so I'd park it on the couch with my nursing pillow, let her nurse to sleep and then pull my shirt back down. She lay there and I'd visit. When she'd wake, I'd burp her and quickly put her on the other side. We kept our visits short too.<br><br>
As far as parenting/birthing choices are concerned. I just wouldn't discuss them at length. My family didn't understand much of what we were doing at first because it was so different from how they were raised and how they raised us. I think it sometimes hurt their feelings to talk about how we were doing things "differently". Over time, they became curious and interested. They'd ask questions and we'd answer the best we could. They learned a lot about our parenting approach by watching us and getting to see the positive results.<br><br>
And finally, as far as the home-birth goes--don't even call them until after the baby is born. Really. Just don't do it. Don't let them know that you're in labor, it will only interrupt your peaceful environment. If they don't know, they can't come. Our family was about 3 hours away but we knew they'd all rush over (invited or uninvited) as soon as they heard anything. I didn't call them until a few hours after our baby was born. Just as I had predicted, they were all in the car and strangely arrived at the same time. It was a crowded space. We'll do things differently this time around. You live and learn.<br><br>
Good luck, momma. It won't always be easy, but you can do it.
 

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Hiya,<br><br>
I just wanted to send hugs as well. I had buttinski inlaws (MIL, FIL, MIL's sisters and mother, cousins, a whole big crowd) who weren't exactly unsupportive of homebirth and AP stuff, but had this tendency to go immediately crazy every time we introduced them to a new concept. It's really stressful when you're pregnant and a new mommy to have people telling you what you're doing is wrong, even if you know it's them who are way off base. Once we educated them they generally backed down (except on the stroller thing, I don't think my MIL will ever give up trying to buy us a stroller). For example, on the topic of homebirth, I sent a whole bunch of links about homebirth statutes in our state, the legitimate safety of homebirth, etc. But the problem with the educating was, we discovered, that it looked awfully close to defending ourselves on other issues, so that it ended up inviting them to further argue about it.<br><br>
In the end, when educating didn't work, I just resorted to acting eccentric and introverted and like I didn't feel welcome in their family. This might not be the most mature way to do it, but it has put them on the defensive, because they do want to see me, my husband, and my son. I think by refusing to play their game and acting like I didn't want anything to do with them they realized that I do actually have the power to keep my little family away from them, even if I don't choose to use it.<br><br>
I don't know that I have advice, really, but just wanted to say that I've been there, too. I think it can feel like you're the crazy one when it's a whole big family saying you're wrong, but there are many of us who go through the same thing.<br><br>
Also, I think if you really dig in your heels and establish your authority (YOU are your baby's mommy, YOU get to decide what flies and what doesn't) things will work much better than if you try to do things to placate them. They're probably take a mile if you give an inch, yk?<br><br>
Good luck!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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It does get soooo stressful, doesn't it? I am a nice person who does not like confrontations but ILs (parents too) are just too much sometimes.<br><br>
My ILs also wanted to be there for the birth (we were in the hospital). With ds1 they waited out in the hallway. Same with ds2. I had it - with dd I told dh that we would call and they had better not show up. They actually called the hospital room when they couldn't get ahold of us at home!!!! Yes, that is true. I was in labor and the phone rang and it was my MIL wanting to know if they should come yet.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: That was enough for me - I screamed they better not show up until we call. I guess she got it then, dh called an hour after I had delivered and they were here within another hour. And don't even get me started on what other things they felt we were doing wrong.<br><br>
So, stand your ground. Eventually you may have to scream for them to hear though. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I completely get what you are going through. My in-laws are not quite the same as yours but there are a lot of similarities. They are only OK with the homebirth because they know that we are too stubborn to convince otherwise. I think mostly they wish we were in the hospital because it's a more public place so they could wait there while I'm laboring. Ugh. I too do not want to play the "pass the baby" game. I know that will bring some hostility...but they have to get over it. I am well armed with slings to keep the baby close to me.<br><br>
Not to totally diss my in-laws, my own mother has begun calling me every morning to see how I am. I asked her point blank this morning if she was calling to see if I was in labor. She denied it but I know better. She knows that we plan not to tell people when I am in labor and is hoping to catch us in the act!<br><br>
This being my first baby I am utterly possesive. I don't want people horning in on my experience as a mother. I know that there will be some issues with ECing, APing, and maybe even not circumcising. I know that I and my DH will have to have iron-clad wills, but that is how we are used to operating with them.<br><br>
In short...don't tell them more than you have to. This is YOUR life and none of their business. They can tell you their opinions all day long, but the only ones who can actually make the decisions i you and your DH. So hang in there and keep your spine handy!
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
You all are fantastic! I appreciate all of the comments on everything. It is just so hard when they say things and when they allue to things because it makes me feel like they are saying I am a bad mom before I even am. I have never felt really welcome into the family despite all the time we are obligated to spend with them based on their family traditions. Oh...I feel like I am hating on my IL's and some of them are well-meaning but some are just very intrusive and declare that they are right and we are wrong and we will find out the hard way and blah blah blah!!!! I just feel so bombarded when I think that we should be supported in this time. It's suppose to be the best time of our lives and I am just ready to lock myself in the house until long after the baby comes!!!<br><br>
But I really do appreciate you all and I feel better knowing that I am not crazy. I am not big on the whole sling thing but I really am considering it at least for family events to just have reason! I know that sounds cold but they have all already made it clear that they WILL be holding him. My husband has a HUGE family. No one has less than 4 children all the way back to his grandparents so there are tons of people. I think also, maybe if I had some family within 2000 miles of us, it would be a bit better. Oh well...thanks again!<br><br>
~~*Kristina*~~ wife to Joe [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/kiss.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="kiss">] and expecting [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/pos.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="positive">] [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/babyboy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Babyboy">:] 10-18-07 planning a [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/homebirth.jpg" style="border:0px solid;" title="Homebirth">] and to [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bf.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bf">:] Living [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/goorganic.jpg" style="border:0px solid;" title="go organic">:] and saying [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/signcirc1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="sign circ">] [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/nocirc.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nocirc">] [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/saynovax.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="no vax">]<br><a href="http://www.totsites.com/tot/3seawell" target="_blank">www.totsites.com/tot/3seawell</a>
 

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This thing about them making it clear that they WILL be holding the baby reminds me of something I realized -- I suffered through several visits with inlaws who felt entitled to certain amounts of holding time, and even when my ds was fine with it, I wasn't. And I held him an awful lot anyway during those visits, but I did let more people hold him more than I really wanted to. I think I realized it was a kind of invasion of MY space that they insisted they got to hold him when I wasn't up for it. He was in my arms all day every day, and suddenly he wasn't. AND, he had intimate access to a very private part of my body, and if he fussed in someone else's arms it was like nails on a chalkboard to me and my boobs. People with limited or no experience with breastfeeding don't get this -- it's not just about whether the baby's okay with pass-the-baby, it's about the mom's comfort, too. I think that's okay. You have your own needs when you're a new mom, and people don't just get to dismiss them for their own wants.<br><br>
Ds is 12 months now and my mom just visited, and suddenly he and I both are fine with him spending plenty of time with someone else (I'm talking like an hour when I'm elsewhere in the house). It made me feel gratified that I stuck to my guns and trusted my instincts about staying attached and close to him all year. The IL's hinted that I was creating a mama's boy, but in fact I'm in the process of creating an independent, well-adjusted kid, and now that's becoming very clear.
 

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Genuinely curious, here: Why so into AP except the babywearing part? Or is it just the sling that bugs you? If so, there are TONS of babywearing options. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> Wearing the baby is wonderful for eliminating the "pass the baby" game.<br><br>
I sort of know where you're coming from. My ILs have never questioned us at all, but MY family has. Spanking has been a big issue. I've finally learned to just stop discussing it unless I have to. And they've figured out I'm just not going to budge on certain things.<br><br>
Consider whether you REALLY want to get into the habit of explaining and justifying every choice to them? Are they going to need a note from your pediatrician for every little thing? Sometimes family has to learn that it's just that way "because we are the parents and we said so!"<br><br>
Just don't engage. If they argue with you, think about just saying, "Hmmm, I'll think about that, pass the bean dip?" rather than trying to defend or rationalize your choices. Case in point: I have an extremely mainstream SIL who thinks it's her duty to point out constantly how much better a parent she is than me (can we say insecurity?). The last time I was visiting them, I bought my son a pair of Crocs. He picked <span style="color:#00FF00;">LIME GREEN</span>. She immediately turned up her nose and said, "<b>I</b> don't give my kids those kinds of choices. I just let them choose between black and brown." I just said, "Oh" and walked away (and vented to my sister when SIL was out of hearing <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mischievous.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="mischief">). She couldn't argue with me because I refused to get drawn into an argument.<br>
Jen
 

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ITA with the PP's. But just wanted to add: Traditions or no, you're NEVER OBLIGATED to spend time with anyone!!! Tell them you want to create your own traditions, etc, and only spend the time you WANT to spend with them, there, or have them visit in a public place so they don't intrude on your home. This is what we do now. It works well, esp. since MIL no longer wants to drive an hour to see us! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/clap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="clap"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/clap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="clap"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/clap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="clap">
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
It's not that I am against the babywearing. I am totally for holding and cuddling but the "backpacking" or "front packing" or "wrap around the entire body like a shirt sling" really bothers me. I don't know what it is really. I did just find a sling that I am completely in love with and actually added it to our registry. I was thinking of creating one that was a bit more fashionable and smaller than some of the ones we have found. I am more for holding my baby than slinging but I realize that there are times when holding may not be as easy as when I am at home and it will make things so much nice. The slings I found are at <a href="http://www.hotslings.com" target="_blank">www.hotslings.com</a> if anyone is in that same boat or if anyone has one! I read the review at a few different places and they are all very encouraging. Plus I have a sacrum issue where the end of my spine did not form right at birth so now that I am pregnant, I have been having real bad pain in the hips and sacrum area. I read that they are real easy on the back and that pretty much won me over.<br><br>
I enjoy AP so much because if something doesn't work for you, it can be modified to make it work. This was one of those things for me I guess.<br><br>
It seems that dh's family constantly corners me when they are around when my husband is pre-occupied so that he can't come and defend OUR choices. They are always asking questions and one's that I would never ask anyone. Very personal questions. I am very much an advocate for homebirth so that automatically makes me a target for other questions. It started with, "Do you plan to breastfeed?" and when I answered yes they respond with all of thier "facts" like how breastfeeding isn't that great for babies anyway (Okay?) and that I will feel like a dairy cow (probably...) and that it was the worst experience of their lives... I usually just smile and nod because I would hate to make someone feel like the way they did things was wrong even though statistics say that they are. Then they started asking about circumcision and if our midwife does it (of course not) and then when I told them no, they asked which doctor we were using and when I said we aren't, they said, "Well, to each his own I guess." While rolling eyes and walking away. And it just builds up from there with the personal questions and insisting. Insisting on being at our home when the baby is born, insisting that baby will spend the nights with them, insisting that they drive him in their cars, etc...<br><br>
I was a nanny for five years and those kids were my life for that amount of time. I would never let anyone hold them, mostly because the father didn't want me to, more so because I didn't want to. It was much easier to say their dad didn't approve of others holding his child. I know how protective I was of children that were not my own flesh...I know how I am already about this baby, when he is born I know I will only get more protective. I feel like it would be totally different if my husband's family and I had a close relationship but we don't and it's so much harder. I am just trying to get my ducks all in a row and I am prayerfully seeking peace about everything. I am trying to be loving in my reactions and I hope that I can gain some ideas as to how to respond now so that I can set reasonable boundaries for later. Everything is happening so fast and I feel like I should not be having to prime my IL's but with the holidays around the corner, I don't want to have to be a homebody but I don't want to be uncomfortable with family taking him away from me.<br><br>
I absolutely appreciate all of you on here. This has been a great help for me. Thanks again!<br><br>
~~*Kristina*~~ wife to Joe [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/kiss.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="kiss">] and expecting [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/pos.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="positive">] [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/babyboy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Babyboy">:] 10-18-07 planning a [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/homebirth.jpg" style="border:0px solid;" title="Homebirth">] and to [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bf.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bf">:] Living [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/goorganic.jpg" style="border:0px solid;" title="go organic">:] and saying [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/signcirc1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="sign circ">] [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/nocirc.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nocirc">] [<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/saynovax.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="no vax">]<br><a href="http://www.totsites.com/tot/3seawell" target="_blank">www.totsites.com/tot/3seawell</a>
 

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Just want to point out that babywearing means you can do things, wherever you are, in addition to holding the baby. Wash a dish or other domestic chores, creative things, typing...having the hands free while baby close is a major advantage to babywearing. Finding what works best for your body is the key--you won't babywear if you're not comfortable. This may take trying a few things out before settling for one kind or another.<br><br>
And ah, InLaws. Have been through the rounds myself on that, and with my own family on all AP issues. If only they could realize that the more they alienate you through so much pushiness and disrespect, the less inclined you will feel to let them anywhere near your baby! I come from a big family, and for the most part was very happy to share the baby--not all the time, mind you, and only when baby was clearly comfortable with someone--not under any old conditions, and certainly not for hours or overnight. But I did want to share that bundle of love and to help my children feel from early days that they had been born into a loving circle of people whom it was safe to bond with. BUT! Those other people had to understand my terms for my babies.<br><br>
Well, I send peaceful vibes for your solid yet comfortable and 'non-frantic/non-controlling' way of holding to your beliefs. Remember that peacefully, serenely holding to your course is usually far more persuasive to others than argument is. It took me years of arguing w/my family to get this point--but when I finally began to say 'well, I'm happy to show you the research that is the basis of my choices, but otherwise we'll have to agree to disagree', it made everyone back off. It is very hard to argue with calm non defensive certainty--and very easy to argue with someone who gets upset and/or argues back. A person can have boundaries without being angry/defensive/upset, and stay with her own good feelings while letting the bad feelings stay with those who originate them.<br><br>
One thing I would 'advise' here is that you try to focus on what is most important. Lots of people, for instance, use 'pre-owned' baby stuff, and lots of people don't choose to spend all that much on babies since they go through things so fast and let's face it--a well loved well fed baby really doesn't care about brands, cost, etc. Lots of people even feel that is environmentally kinder to go the 'pre-owned route', and it's not at all about being cheap or not caring enough. I think when I feel backed against the wall by someone, it gets very easy to criticize everything about them, and much harder to see what is good beyond my bad feelings toward them. Just saying, while I totally get your discomfort with these people, you yourself may feel better if you focus as much as possible on the positive aspects of the il's, and let go of the superficialities that only fuel bad feelings. And this you would be doing for YOURSELF, and for your baby--not for them; it's so YOU can feel more positive in general (not just toward them). They seem misguided, but at least on the positive side they are certainly demonstrating a strong interest in loving thier soon to be born kin-baby.<br><br>
Make boundaries and make space for you and dh to do as you feel best...and let the rest go as it arises (and it will probably arise over and over again, until they finally see that what you're doing really works). Not your problem, right?
 

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Oh my goodness Kristina I could have written your post <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> My in laws are a nightmare and even though I truly like my MIL and one of my SIL’s they are still horrible to deal with.<br><br>
I think as far as the homebirth is concerned it’s your choice who you want there and they just have to deal with that. My in laws have flat out told me I am extremely rude because I’m not sharing my birth. I just said “I’m sorry you feel that way but I don’t feel comfy with anyone being there but DH” and left it at that. We will not be calling them when I am in labor for fear of them showing up. They will get a phone call maybe 6 hours after the baby is born and I have asked DH to tell them not to come over for a day or two.<br><br>
I am also planning on breastfeeding and I am already being told that I will need to supplement and start the baby on pablem (sp?) right away so it “gets full”. I have not even fought on this one. I just smile and nod and leave it at that. My DH and I know that breast milk is all the baby needs. I do need to watch my baby very closely at family events though because last thanksgiving I caught my SIL feeding a 30 day old baby rum cake!<br><br>
We are not circing if it’s a boy and honestly…I didn’t even tell them. It’s none of their business and if they ask I will just tell them the truth. DH and I have no intention of leaving the baby with them until it’s a year or so. I couldn’t see them changing a diaper either so they won’t have any way of knowing.<br><br>
As for being territorial. I totally agree! I am not a fan of pass the baby and I do plan on wearing the baby in my moby wrap at family functions. If people I am not comfy with ask to hold the baby I will just say “the baby is nursing”. I think it’s important to have DH on your side. I would not be able to deal with his family if he didn’t stick up for me most of the time. You know what is really annoying? When I see a new mom and people walk up, hold out their arms and say “oh let me take the baby off your hands so you can take a break”. Why do people think that moms want a break from their babies???<br><br>
I feel your pain and I really hope you and DH get through the first few weeks with no major fights with the in laws!
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">...You know what is really annoying? When I see a new mom and people walk up, hold out their arms and say “oh let me take the baby off your hands so you can take a break”. Why do people think that moms want a break from their babies???...</div>
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Well part of it can be because people just like to cuddle babies. It's far more socially acceptable to say "Oh let me *help you* by unburdening you from this heavy responsibility for a few minutes." than it does to pitch a fits and say, "I love babies. I want to hold the baby. It's not fair that I don't have a baby of my own. If you were a half-way decent human being you'd let me hold your baby."<br><br>
Some people might have had a rough time with PPD and raising their own children. They might sincerely believe it's a blessing to the mother to be relieved of her child. I think it's much more likely to occur in births where the bonding mechanisms were interfered with and in moms who've never had the benefit of the soothing and bonding nursing hormones. For people like that I'm far more likely to respond something like, "Oh, I'm just enjoying time with my baby right now. If you still want to give me a break you're welcome to get me a glass of water (or plate of food, footstool, or whatever followed by a smile.) I figure even if I don't truly *need* something it helps train them for how to interact with other moms.<br><br>
~BV
 

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Babies in a sling spend more time awake and alert to everything going on. They also cry less, so you have less stress.<br><br>
BTW, I ran a new mom's support group for many years, putting your foot down with relatives is common issue. And on the "pass the baby" thing, I once had a speaker who was a developmental expert who told all of us that babies can get literally sore from being passed around at a family gathering.<br><br>
Hold your ground, mama or who knows what crap these folks will try on you once they realize that you will cave in to their demands.
 

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Just to say Hotslings are AWESOME!! I'm a passionate babywearer, but also am not crazy about the wraps--too much fabric, too hot, just not right for me. The "pouches" (which are what the Hotslings are) are my favorite too, though we also ended up loving our Ergo once ds got really big. Have your mom buy you a pouch from Hotslings--seriously!! It's the most crucial thing you'll need in the first few weeks (months...years... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> )<br><br>
We've realized since becoming parents how much this marks the end of your childhood and the real start of being an "adult," esp in your family's eyes. We had similar issues with my ILs (though they live further away, thank g-d). But you know? Becoming a mom means that you're the final authority: you're the one who decides what's right for your babe, and nobody else gets to say anything. It can be a hard lesson, if you're used to being non-confrontational (as I was), but that mama-bear instinct is pretty strong, too. Stop worrying about offending them (they don't seem too worried about offending you!) and just do and say what you think is right. You have the final bargaining chip now--they want to see the baby, so you get to set the terms.<br><br>
Good luck! I wonder if we have the same MW!?
 

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I have a Hotsling and I LOVE it. You'll find lots of uses for it. I've found people are less willing to invade my personal space when I'm actually <i>wearing</i> the baby versus just holding it.<br><br>
And I too hate the arms-held-out "let me take that baby" approach, at least by people I'm not close to. But sometimes it is welcome if it's my mother or MIL or sister, for example. My second was a very high-needs baby and sometimes that does get exhausting. I remember thinking "Someone take this cranky baby before I lose my mind!!!!!" I watched my SIL go through the same thing with her baby. I could see "that look" in her face one night and just said to her (not holding my arms out <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">) "do you need a break?" and she was like "YES PLEASE!" LOL.<br><br>
Jen
 
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