[Mama Bear]

I am in need of advice / support / suggestions...

We live in a different state than our families. Last year, we stayed home for the holidays and it was not fun (no family here). So this year we want to go "home" (to where our family is) to celebrate Christmas.
Here's the prob: My family is FULL of smokers and otherwise non-healthy people. I have a 3 month old son and I know they are all going to want to meet him (none of my side have met him in person yet) I don't want him exposed to the smoke or a smoked in environment. I don't want to 'offend' anyone, but I am so concerned about his health. Plus, with all the people, I don't want him being passed around to everyone with who knows what on their hands and breathing all over him.

On the other hand, my husband's family is a joy to be with. Very understanding people who I know will be careful with the baby.

What do I say to my mom when she wants us to spend time with her???
Meeting out at a restaurant is not feasible b/c my ds is very sensitive to many foods (no dairy, wheat, soy, nuts, etc...) so i'm being very careful what I eat because i'm exclusively bfing him. My husband's family knows this and will be accommodating - my mom OTOH thinks I should feed my ds formula because 'i shouldn't deprive myself')

There's even more to the situation - but that's the gist of it.
I don't know what to say / do - I know in the end someone's gonna be pissed regardless of how 'nice' i try to be....

:

 

[iris0110]

I take it that your family and your IL's live close to each other. (please correct me if I am wrong in this). So I was thinking maybe you could stay with your IL's since they seem to be the most understanding of and sensitive too your parenting style and needs. Then when your mother asks why you won't spend time with her, offer to meet her some where for a little Christmas shopping and lunch (if you are visiting before Christmas and on through the holidays) or maybe meet at a nice childfriendly restraunt for Christmas brunch or tea. That way she and select other relatives can see your ds and share in his first Christmas (very important to G-parents

) and you are still in control of the environment. I wouldn't put myself and my child in an environment that is unhealthy just to keep from irritating a few people. Your child's health is important and they need to respect that. If they really are just concerned with seeing you and the baby and sharing in the joy of a family Christmas they will be happy to work with you to find a middle ground. If they are just being selfish, well it is better to put your foot down now than to let them continue to pull you into their guilt trips.

 

[khrisday]

Why not invite your family to come to the IL's house to see the baby?

 

[AahRee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by khrisday Why not invite your family to come to the IL's house to see the baby?

: I'd feel the same way you do, btw. I won't expose DD to cigarette smoke, or even a house or car that has been smoked in. I have a horrible lung allergy and I won't risk my DD's lung health for anyone, under any circumstances. (I'd like to see smoking in cars outlawed, because I was stuck at a red light next to someone who was smoking the other day, and their cigarette smoke got into my car through my fresh air intake!

:My lungs burned, but I was SO thankful that DD wasn't in the car with me then.)

 

[newmainer]

hmmm that's tough. I agree with PP about not going for your ds' sake, but it still doesn't make it any easier to deal with from your end.

Is there one person in the family, like your mom, who might be a little more open and understanding and could be a support for you? inviting be them over to your in-laws might get overwhelming, and from what you described, sounds like maybe the 2 families might not get along so well. Could be uncomfortable.

Regardless, ds is in your life forever and you are not going to get away with never seeing them so making your preferences known needs to happen (would they ever come to your house so they have to play by your rules?). I would try and find at least one ally who can back you up (even in a teensy tiny way) and try and be diplomatic and go with the restaurant route or whatever, but be honest about your concerns. Maybe you will incite some behavior changes, and that would be great! Good luck!

 

[Mama Bear]

So, I spoke with my younger sister last night on the phone. She had a good idea. She suggested going to my dad's house (my parents are divorced and my dad doesn't smoke so he's house is ok

) and just let people know if they want to meet my ds they can come to my dad's house (for the most part my mom's side and my dad's side get along when they need to so there's no conflict there and its better then having everyone come to my IL's)
All our families live within 20 minutes of each other, if not less, so having them go to my dad's is no problem. I just need to run the idea by him, but knowing my dad he will be more than happy to have an 'open house' Christmas morning. Plus he gets to see the little munchkin too!!!

So that's what I think we'll do. And if any of my family members have issues or tries to say junk, then its their prob not mine. I will not feel guilty!

(BTW - we are staying with my MIL

who is SO supportive of us and i'm am really looking forward to the trip now that we've got a plan)

 

[saritabeth]

Im so glad that worked out for you. It is really hard to make decisions like that with your new baby at first. But once you start doing it is easier than you think it will be! My dd is allergic to dairy protien so I am on a very restrictive diet too. Just make it all about their grandbaby. My brother smokes and I totally make him wash his hands before he touches dd. Besides she cries if he smells really smoky. He said "oh my God, Im *Smelly Uncle Stan*!!" (He is 22 !)

: Hopefully it will help him quit!

good job navigating family politics, a new baby and a holiday!
Sarita

 

[Ravin]

I feel your pain. I am flying out to Texas for the holidays on my mother's dime. My father lives in the next town, and I will probably go see him one evening during the whole visit. Last summer he had the nerve to light up and start smoking on the patio while DD and I were in his hot tub. Now I just don't go out on the patio. Not so much of a problem in winter, and they at least have the courtesy and sense not to smoke in the house, and to "air out" a bit before coming inside. Even worse was last holiday season when my father flipped out because I had the gall to nurse Luthien in front of him--then went out to the garage to smoke and left me to sit in the living room by myself. He's the reason I was weaned at 9 mos, can you tell?

Inviting him over to my mom's is not an option, but like I said I'll just go there once, and it'll be Christmas Eve probably when my stepmom's whole extended family gather so I won't ever feel lonely if I don't go outside and join them while they smoke.

 

[Mama Bear]

I spoke with my dad last night, and he's okay with the idea.

However, at first he was suggesting going to my grandma's (my mom's mom)He thought it would be more of a compromise and he didn't think she still smokes, but I told him she does still smoke. Even if she's not smoking in the house anymore, the carpet, walls, furniture, etc... have the residue. yuck!!!

:

He was understanding of that and has no problem with people going to his house. He said that no matter what I do, people will still have things to say and to not let it bother me.

My dad's cool like that

Anyways, after the whole ordeal has happened and we get back home, I will post the outcome...