Mothering Forum banner
1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Thank you in advance for taking time to read this and possibly provide some thoughts/insights based on your experience.

Heres goes:

I have been in the adoption process for about 5 months- we are signed up with a local agency, and we are pursuing any kind of adoption where we can get a fairly young child.

I have a friend who is single and has had a hard time trying to get pg (IF issues). A few nights ago, I convinced her to attend an adoption meeting with me to find out about the process. While we are there, she gets a call from a mutual friend of ours who works at a birthing center. The friend said there was a very young women in labor who came in and did not want her baby. The friend said she should come right away because she could possibly adopt the baby.

Long story short... She went over about an hour after the baby was born, and the mother just didn't want anything to do with the baby, so she signed her over to my friend. ANd my friend went home with a healthy clean baby ( the mother did not use drugs or alcohol) boy a day later.

I am happy for my friend to have a baby, but I feel betrayed by the system. I am signed up with all the local adoption agencies, and here my friend who knew a midwife at the hospital gets to take home a baby without any prior adoption paper work or interaction with the birth mom. In fact, at the adoption meeting she wasn't even sure she wanted a baby.

I feel conflicted and I find myself depressed over the situation. On the one hand I am happy for my friend, but on the other I feel envious that she bypassed what I thought was a very difficult process and system.

Anybody have any experience with this? Is it common for doctors or midwifes to call in their friends to adopt babies directly from women at the hospital?

thanks a million
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,766 Posts
I don't have any experience with this situation, but wanted you give you a
! That has got to be so hard.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,329 Posts
Hugs to you! Adoptions happen all kinds of ways - I know someone who ended up adopting a child in a somewhat similar manner - completely happenstance. And it's so hard while you are waiting for YOUR child to see others apparently have an easier time, and it doesn't seem "fair." I would try to assess if your agency is a good fit for you, and maybe check in with them about timelines and options. Five months doesn't sound like an unrealistic wait time in domestic adoption, from what I know, but you might want to check into some other options. There are folks on this list with lots more experience to offer in this area.

I want to share what helped me most along the way: I knew that our child was going to come to us, one way or another. When I wasn't able to get pregnant, I said to myself, "This just means that he or she is being conceived in some other mother's body before she/he comes to us." When certain adoption options became closed, or others got pregnant/adopted, I knew that their children were coming to them in just the right way for them, and that our time was coming. And when we met our daughter, I knew that we were supposed to be together as a family.

My best to you -
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,061 Posts
I have never heard of such an incident happening before. It certainly doesn't seem fair that people can bypass the paperwork that easy. Especially if your friend didn't have a homestudy completed, maybe that is not required in a domestic adoption? I agree with the previous response that you will get YOUR baby. This particular baby wasn't meant to be with you, not that that helps the hurt right now. I would try to be there for your friend, if she was so so about adopting chances are you know more attachment/bonding/and overall adoption information to help her out. If you ask me it sounds like your friend may have gotten in over her head, hope everything works out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,542 Posts
Is it legal to be able to bring home a baby without having to do any kind of adoption paperwork or social worker visits first?

ETA: My homestudy agency did call me once about a woman in a hospital who had just had a baby and did not want to care for her. They referred to it as a 'cold case'. The hospital called the agency (they are a large local agency that also does domestic adoptions and homestudies) and the agency in turn called me. I have never heard of someone calling a friend to come pick up a baby. Especially one who has not completed a shred of paperwork. I do know that they can do a rush on paperwork to meet the needs of a child. But to let the child go home with a complete stranger seems really weird.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,133 Posts
Yes, you have to have a home study in a domestic adoption. You have to have a criminal background check, home visits, and all the rest. I too cannot imagine how someone who wasn't homestudy approved could get to take a baby home, just like that.

I also don't understand how a midwife could have the authority to oversee the relinquishment. I would think there must have to be a social worker or lawyer present. Maybe there was...

Here's a link to a summary of California adoption law (that's where your location is, right?):http://www.adoptioninformation.com/r.../relinq_ca.htm

Quote:
When Relinquishment Can Be Signed:

* In a direct placement, consent may only take place after the discharge of the birth mother from the hospital.

How Relinquishment Must Be Signed:

* In a direct placement, consent must take place in the presence of an Adoption Service Provider or other delegated agent, who has advised the parents of their rights.

Time for Revocation:

* In a direct placement, after consent has been given, the parents have 30 days to submit a signed revocation and request return of the child or sign a waiver of the right to revoke consent.
So, this sounds to me like the birthmother legally could not sign anything while still in the birthing center.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks for the replies.

I appreciate all the hugs. I do agree that my baby will come and fill that place in my heart that is longing. It still is hard though.

I am also glad to hear that others feel it does not seem right. It makes me feel valid. The hardest part for me is that she had connections and bypassed the system that others wait so patiently to be involved in. it seems to help to know doctors/midwives.

Thanks for listening. It helps to get it out. I feel caddy talking with most of my friends about this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,133 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by bird song
The hardest part for me is that she had connections and bypassed the system that others wait so patiently to be involved in. it seems to help to know doctors/midwives.
My concern is that she only *thinks* she's bypassed the system, and she may end up being the one getting hurt. It's a huge red flag to me that someone who hasn't completed a home study could take physical custody of a baby to be adopted. I think your friend needs to make absolutely sure that the legalities have been taken care of.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,127 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurel
My concern is that she only *thinks* she's bypassed the system, and she may end up being the one getting hurt. It's a huge red flag to me that someone who hasn't completed a home study could take physical custody of a baby to be adopted. I think your friend needs to make absolutely sure that the legalities have been taken care of.
Exactly. The birth mom can absolutely decide to place her baby in the care of your friend. However, to legalize it, she will still need to go to court like everyone else, and the judge will require a homestudy, as well as all the appliciable paperwork.......the bio mom AND dad need to sign relinquishment papers, and all that other stuff.

I hope your friend is aware that though she may get to adopt this baby, she still needs a homestudy and has a long road ahead of her.

ETA, it sounds like maybe the birth mom signed some temporary guardianship papers rather than relinquishment papers, that makes more sense.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,568 Posts
I would be torn as well. I understand feeling happy for your friend, but I think there is a point to having to go through the adoption process especially when IF is the primary reason. You have to go through the whole grief process between IF and adoption (IMO) so jumping to adoption and wham just having to happen almost overnight doesn't seem like the most ideal situation.
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Top