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Hello. I'm not exactly new here but I haven't been posting much on these boards in over a decade. I have a 13 year old and 11 year old. I had the support of many women on the unassisted home birth board while I was pregnant with my second and had the most beautiful labor and delivery experience of my life with her. :purple_heart:

Since then, I have divorced and partnered with a very loving, beautiful man significantly older than I am. My ex husband isn't involved with our children and my partner has taken on the role of full-time father, which he does beautifully. He does not have any children of his own. We have enjoyed a very solid, honest and supportive relationship and unfortunately, that changed course a few months ago when we realized that I was pregnant.

He was quite hopeful that I would have an abortion early on in the pregnancy but I made it clear that is not something I could go through with. For the record, I am pro-choice and never judge another woman for making whatever choices are best for her at the time but I do want this baby. I was never determined to have another child but was always hopeful that I would find myself in a loving relationship where that could become possible. Due to hormonal issues, a structural issue with a past IUD, and a massive dislike of condoms, I was not on birth control. He was aware of this. I had the mentality of "if it happens, it happens, knowing that I have plenty more room in my heart to love another being. Apparently, his mentality was different. He was under the impression that he could not have children do 255 years of past experience. Apparently that was wrong.

He has accepted that this child will be born into the world but was (until a week or so ago) still hopeful that I would decide to place the baby for adoption. Again, I believe that adoption is a wonderful choice for others to have available, but not one that I'd ever want to make. After nearly 14 years of intuitive/attachment parenting, I cannot imagine going through these months of pregnancy, having the baby born into the same home in which he/she was conceived, nurse and bond with my child and then give it to someone else to raise. So therefore I am having, and keeping, this baby.

Our relationship has taken a dive and although we are still openly, and respectfully, communicating with one another, I feel that our communication used to draw us closer and closer, together now it draws us further and further apart as he is adamant that he does not want this child and does not want to parent for what will likely be the rest of his life (he's 56, and both of his parents died quite young). We're still affectionate with one another (although he will not/cannot be intimate with me, which has caused mental/emotional/sexual issues for me) and love each other very deeply. We are both very sad that this is the place we are currently in and hopeful that we will somehow pull through and make this work. I'm hoping that as my pregnancy progresses (I am 17 weeks) he will come with me to the anatomy scan and hear the baby through the fetal scope and perhaps that will change his heart. If not, I am hopeful that the day the baby is born into his arms he will fall in love with him or her.

In the meantime, I am deeply saddened for this is not the pregnancy experience I had envisioned at all. I had severe HG the first 4 months and I'm only now starting to feel better. I have terrible acid reflux and headaches, and although I continuously try to remain calm, I have been suffering with depression and anxiety. I never had anything like this with either of my other two children, not at all. I believe that a large chunk of these physical symptoms are being caused by my mental/emotional state due to the issues in my relationship and the fears that I now have. My children and I are currently financially dependent on him as I have been terminated from my work due to sickness; I have never been without income in my entire adult life and that is a scary place to be for sure. He's not the type of man to pick up and leave but I still can't help but worry that I may have to face the possibility of raising this baby, in addition to my teens, on my own if he doesn't undergo a massive change of heart.

All of my friends live rather far away and the only family I have is my mother, who is also quite far away. We recently moved to a new area due to needing additional space and haven't really met very many people yet. I have an appointment with a therapist for next week and I'm hoping that he will be open to couples therapy and work through his fears in order to find space in his heart to accept this change to our life plans, but in the meantime I'm feeling very scared and alone.

For the record, I am not even angry with my partner, just deeply saddened. I suppose we feel what we feel and sometimes we live from a place of fear rather than from love. For a man who never wanted children to love and parent the two children that I have has already been a huge step for him, and I know that he was looking forward to the businesses we can grow, the traveling we can do, and other ways to spend our resources rather than starting from scratch and raising a little being together. I understand his point of view completely and really don't fault him for this, yet these are the cards we have been dealt. I do recognize that there are other options available but as I previously explained those are not choices I'm willing to make. I also realize that the choice to keep this baby can be the end of my relationship and that although that is the last thing on Earth that I want, I suppose that's what I could be faced with.

Rather than bashing him I would like to find ways to support him because although how he is feeling now has negatively impacted me, he is still very much in love with my children and I, is doing his best to put his feelings aside to take care of us all, and trying to work through his fears, although he may be failing miserably. Any thoughts as to how I could support him or any words of love or wisdom for me would be greatly appreciated. I am certainly concerned how this emotional turmoil is affecting my pregnancy and want to have a beautiful healthy baby join, and complete, our family this March. Thank you to anyone who made it this far and replies with a thoughtful response.
 

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You've picked the baby over him. I'm not sure what else there is to say other than that the chips will fall where they will. Good luck on your journey.
 

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You've picked the baby over him. I'm not sure what else there is to say other than that the chips will fall where they will. Good luck on your journey.


I think that's a bit unfair. He is a grown man who has been having regular, unprotected sex with a woman. A pregnancy cannot have been a complete surprise. If he didn't want children then the time to discuss that was *before* the sex, not after the positive pregnancy test.


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Yeah, I get the unfairness of my statement. He thought he was infertile though, and it sounds like they knew as a couple that he never wanted kids since being a father figure to her current children was a "big step"?

Either way OP, I think the parenting compromise that you had was the original situation (just the four of you) and I'm sorry this has been such an ordeal!
 
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