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Hi this is my first time on this website. My name is meeky im 26yrs old. I just recently had my first child 12/2/04 he was born preterm. I was 20 weeks and 3 days old. My fiance' and I have planned for this baby for over a year now. When I could not get pregnant I went to my main doctor to find out why. She told me it was due to my periods being irregular. She referred me to my other doctor. Who started us on a fertility drug and said that we most likely would not get pregnant on the first try. But tears of joy filled the room when we got pregnant on the first try. I did not have any signs of being pregnant besides sever cramping for the full 5 months. I asked the doctor he said it was normal and for me not to worry because it was just the fact that my uterus was stretching. So by this being my first baby I took his word for it. Not knowing that I was a high risk from day one until the last minute. We thought everything was fine because we passed the miscarriage stage. But long and behold we were wrong. On 12/2/04 at 2:25 am i went to the emergency room for abnormal pain and bleeding, but thinking that we would go home after they told us everything was fine. But that would not happen when I got my internal exam the doctor said that my sac had dropped and that I would have to have an emergency cerclage in order to save the baby if that is what i want to do. I went into labor at 3:15 am. She said that i had an placenta abruption, but she was not sure of why this happen. She said the cerclage would take place at 8:00 am. So i was admitted to the labor unit. They said they would give me a drug that would stop the labor but that just made thing worse. Everything went so fast that at 8:25 am my sac came out and the nurse's wouldnt tell us if it was the sac or the baby, so my fiance' went to look for his self. At 8:28 am my son entered the world alive and breathing and he passed shortly at 9:10 am. I was excited to see his face and to touch him for the first time but at the same time sad cause I knew that this was going to be the last time that I touch him or feel him breath. I cried everyday for the first week, but now I cry when I'm alone for long periods of time. I think about him and the situation to where I think things could of turned out different. When my baby died a part of me died too cause he was loved before we tried to get pregnant and everyone was getting attached to the ideal of having a son, grandson or nephew or little cousin. Coming home with out my baby was the hardest thing i had to live up to or face in all my life. The doctors then told me I had a incompetent cervix but they couldnt tell me why. I had to go on the internet to even figure out what that meant and how did i get it. Knowing that I will have to have a cerclage with each pregnancy is hard cause i have a fear of not being able to be someone's mother. The nurse told me not to try to have another baby for at least 3 months so I can grieve for my baby. I wanted to know is there a time frame for when you should try again?<br>
What I want to know is what are the chances of me having a healthy baby at full term with a cerclage?<br>
Do i have to be on bed rest for the whole pregnancy?<br>
I just wanted to let my story out and maybe it can help someone along the way. I hope someone can send out some good advice to me or share their story. I just want to know are there ways to get threw a loss of your child.<br><br>
Thank you<br>
Meeky
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
i don't have any awnsers for you but wanted you to know i am sorry you lost you son. did you name him?<br><br>
tara
 

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I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story, it really touched me. Did you name your son?<br><br>
A friend of mine lost her first child (a daughter) to an incompetent cervix at 26 weeks--I think about 35 years ago. She went on to carry her next child to term with a cerclage, and another twin pregnancy after that was carried to term with a cerclage. She never lost another child, and her three surviving children are all over 30 years old now. She is a grandma of five so far...
 

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First, I'm so very sorry for the death of you baby...no mother should ever have to go home without their child.<br><br>
Second, you are a mother. You are a mother to that little boy. You will always be the mother to that little boy.<br><br>
However, I know that this does not stop the desire to hold a child in your arms...as my first born son died (unknown causes) in my 27th week of pregnancy. I am currently pregnant with my second son (in my 7th month). We were given the ok to try after my second normal period (although, my delivery was uncomplicated and I didn't require any procedures for another pregnancy). We were able to get pregnant on the third cycle. I can honestly say, as glad as I am that we will hopefully soon have a child in our arms, dealing with the death of one son while fearing the death of another is a very difficult and hard road. Most doctors will actually tell you initially 6 months in order to take some of that pressure off and allow you some time. This is a judgement call each grieving mother needs to take. I definitely see the benefits in waiting as most days I'm emotionally and physically drained from back to back pregnancies while grieving.<br><br>
As for your doctors, I would be concerned if they didn't explain your condition to you and what it would mean for future pregnancies. I remember vividly needing answers, clear answers while we were in the hospital and that's exactly what I received (as much as they could give that is). If this wasn't the case for you, you might want to consider changing doctors for your next pregnancy. You will need a lot of support/reassurance from your next provider and I don't know if you will trust your current one. I do not know much about your condition, however, I do know that this is one that can be managed for future successful pregnancies.<br><br>
Please take this holiday season easy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you for the replies, I really do appreciate it very much!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/thanks.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thanks"><br>
I hope my story helps others! I also want to thank everyone that stop by and shared their story with me. I wish for everyone that has lost a child or just a love one nothing but happiness, patience and strength through out your life.<br><br>
thanx again
 

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First I wanted to say that I am so sorry that you lost your son. Thank you for sharing your story with us.<br><br>
As for when you can try again, well it is really different for everyone. For health reasons you probably need to wait about three normal menstrual cycles. As for grieving and when you will be emotionaly ready, that is different for everyone. My daughter was stillborn December 21, 2003. We waited for about 5 months before trying again. We have been trying for 7 months now without success. But in a way I am glad I am not pregnant yet. All of the milestones of this first year of greif have been very hard for me, and I don't know how I would have handled being pregnant at the same time. I now feel like I am truly ready to be pregnant again. But if I had been pregnant 7 months ago, I would probably feel good about that as well. You will have to figure out what feels right for you and your partner.<br><br>
I am afraid I don't know much about incompetent cervixes. I do know from talking with other women that cerclage does work and they usually can go on to have healthy babies. I recomend that you check out some books on pregnancy after loss. Actually there is a book I am reading right now called Pregnancy After A Loss. It is a very good book, and it has stories of many women who went on to have successful pregnancies after their losses.
 

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meeky, so sorry for your loss...i went through almost the exact same thing. i had the normal, very sick, but normal pregnancy with my first baby, his name was Cru. (yes, like crew) <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> when I was five months along i started having some slight cramping. fearing it was another kidney stone, dh and i went to l&d. by the time i got there, i had some bleeding going on. this seemed to worry our nurse (she was amazing). she first listened for a heartbeat, which sounded perfect and strong. she then insisted on getting an ultrasound so they wheeled me in my bed after telling me i couldnt get up down to the u/s room. my babe was moving around just as fast as could be. everything looked normal to us, but the nurses were not letting me get up and did not look happy. they then wheeled me back to my room and said that the baby's foot was in my vaginal cavity and that i was in labor. the pain i was feeling was contractions. dh and i immediately started crying. i basically had to wait to deliver my baby that they said may or may not be alive, but would definitely not stand a chance at living if he were born alive. well, a few hours later, i delivered my precious baby Cru. he was beautiful, but had already gone to be rocked by Jesus. it was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. to this day the pain hasnt faded, of course, i have good days, but i also have very sad days. (i forgot to add that my dr. said it was due to an incompetent cervix, she said there were a few things that could cause it, but in my case it was just genetics, and i would possibly have to be on bedrest next time, depending on the length of my cervix during the progression of my pregnancy, and i would have to have a cerclage)<br>
my doctor said the same thing about waiting at least three cycles before trying again, only her reasoning was letting my body heal. well, two months later we were pg again. it wasnt planned, we used protection, but it happened anyways...we were so excited but sooooo scared. since my pregnancies were so close together, i had a subchorionic bleed, which complicated things way more. i had to wait a few weeks longer to get my cerclage because my bleeding wouldnt stop. (i thought i was miscarrying) anyways...i told you that to let you know that you probably should wait at least the three months for physical reasons... i had to wear a pad the first four months of my pg. anyways...after that was all over with, i had a cerclage put in, then was placed on strict bedrest, and 5 months and 18 ultrasounds later, a beautiful, loud, screaming, kicking baby boy was born.<br>
i have since talked to a lot of women who have gone on to have very successful pregnancies w/a cerclage. there is hope, i promise! i am so sorry for your loss, no words can make you heal, but i am here if you need anyone to talk to. sorry this is so long and choppy, if you need more info, let me know... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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To all of you who have lost your babies, I'm so sorry. I feel your pain, but I'm thankful I've found others who can understand the pain and difficulites of such a tragic loss. Thank you for sharing your experiences.<br><br>
I lost my little miracle, Christopher John, on Dec. 21, 2004 at 20 weeks and 1 day. It's only been 3 weeks; I still cry for him every day. I think I'm still in disbelief sometimes. We had such hope for our baby. And sometimes it doesn't even seem real.<br><br>
We tried for 8 months to become pregnant. I just turned 32 and this was our first child. After the first 5 months, I was referred to a fertility doctor to help us out. I knew we would have difficulty getting pregnant, and just assumed that I could take medications and that would fix everything. I started on clomid in June, and it didn't seem that it was working. My second cycle in late July was an increased dose of clomid. When I went back to the fertility Dr in August he said it appeared that I was resistant to the medication and that we may have to consider IVF. I was crushed. But I went on, and the next thing you know, I was pregnant after only the 2nd cycle! (it apparently was a late ovulation) We just couldn't believe it based on what the Dr had told us, it was a miracle! The next 20 weeks went on very happily and uneventfully, until the evening of Dec. 19.<br><br>
My nightmare began on Sunday night, Dec. 19, 2004. We'd had a fine weekend and were anticipating our Christmas travel plans. We were supposed to go back to the Dr on Tuesday the 21st for a regular appt to find out the sex of our little baby. We were so excited...But that evening I went to the restroom and found that I was bleeding. I felt no pain, no cramps, nothing else. I immediately called the Dr and he told me to come in as a precaution, but thinking it was nothing. The Dr checked me and told us that my membranes were bulging and that it was likely that we would lose our baby. Needless to say, we were in shock and just broke down crying. We had just expected to get checked and then head back home that night. What happened instead is that I was admitted immediately and taken to the labor and delivery dept. They tried giving me magnesium by IV to stop labor, with hopes that the membrane would recede enough to put in a cerclage. Too my great sadness, the medication did not work and the membranes were even worse the next morning. THey told me all we could do was wait. My water broke around 3 PM on Monday the 20th, and I delivered my little angel, a boy, Christopher on Tuesday morning the 21st at 1:30 AM. He was 9 1/2" long and weighed 13 oz. I will never forget the vision of his tiny little hands and feet, and the slight dimpled chin that was just like my husbands.<br><br>
I too was told that I have an incompetent cervix--something I had never even heard of.<br><br>
I've been through all the emotions. I've felt grief, overwhelming grief sometimes. The first week I think I lost myself for a while. The second week was a little easier, but putting my baby boy to rest was so painful. I'm now to the point where I have good days and bad ones, somehow finding a way to go on with my life without having to understand a reason for all of this. I've felt guilt, somehow inadequate that my body could not hold my little baby long enough for him to survive. I've felt anger--why did none of the doctors ever mention any potential signs, why didn't they check me at my 16 week appt to make sure everything was ok? Why had I never heard of incomp cervix before? Why didn't somebody tell me? Why did this have to happen?? Then I feel the grief again. I still feel so many emotions, but I guess it's natural to feel this way.<br><br>
I'm slowly trying to find peace. I'm thankful to have such a wonderful husband to support me. I've spent a lot of time all over the internet trying to find answers. THere simply are none that can make the loss any easier, only time.<br><br>
So I did learn I have an incompetent cervix, and yes, it does seem that cerclage will be the answer next time, or at least I'm praying that it will be. THe only way I can look at it now that brings me any peace is that my baby boy Christopher came along, and had to go, so that eventually his little brother or sister can live. We learned because of him. We will hopefully have other children because of him. We will love him always, our first child, our son.<br><br>
Now we find ourselves so anxious, but scared to try again. But we will, in time. We're just going to go one day at a time for now though.<br><br>
My heart is with you ladies that have endured similar pain. We will make it. I like to think our babies are playing together in heaven, where we'll meet them again. Thank you for letting me share my pain with you, it somehow makes it easier...
 

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KDWill, I am so sorry for your loss. You sound like a remarkably strong woman, though I know you would give anything not to have had to find that strength. I will be thinking of you, your wonderful DH, and your precious Christopher John.
 

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SSRmeeky and KDWill: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm so sorry for your losses.<br>
SSR: I think you said you had a son - did you name him?<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I just want to know are there ways to get threw a loss of your child.</td>
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I'm sorry i don't know anything about incompetent cervix or cerclage but i do know about grieving the loss of your firstborn. My daughter died unexpectedly during labor on May 10th, 2004. It is the most painful thing i've ever gone through or can even imagine. As to when to ttc - i was told to wait at least 3 cylces, which is exactly what i did. I am pg again and scared all the time.<br>
Yes, there are ways to get through loss. There is really no choice but to get through it though everyone has a different process. The first few months were the hardest for me but i found several things that helped me a lot.<br>
* this board - the community here is amazing and full or supportive and wise mamas. I still come here whenever i'm feeling down.<br>
* reading loss books. My favorites were "Ended Beginnings" and "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Deborah Davis<br>
* keeping a journal of all my thoughts<br>
* Crying, crying, crying! Just let it out.<br>
* Keeping momentos of my daughter. I wear a locket containing a piece of her hair all the time and i have a few other things like pictures and footprints that i would look at often.<br><br>
I hope this is helpful to you. I'm so sorry for your loss and please come back and talk as much as you like. We're here for you.
 

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Thanks so much for all of your support! Just knowing you all are out there truly does give me a lot of comfort. It's so important to know you're not alone when going through something like this. I had wondered if I should find a support group just to be able to talk through my experience, the pain, and the healing, but I'm finding I already have one in this community.<br><br>
Sleet, thanks for your kind note and thoughts. I'm trying to be strong, but admittedly I don't always feel that way. In fact, I feel quite the opposite sometimes. Like everyone I guess, I have my good days and bad days. Hopefully though, with time, the good days will start to outweigh the bad ones (though that remains to be seen, because now sometimes I can hardly imagine being happy again). Your message has given me strength though, because I haven't been so sure I had much strength often times during the last few weeks--thank you...<br><br>
Berkeley, I'm so sorry for your daughter, and I know nothing can ever replace her. Please know that I'm thinking of you and your baby and wish for you nothing but happiness in the future. I know it's scary being pg again because I've thought a lot about it myself, but try to be positive--We're all out here wishing you well! And thanks for sharing how you've been able to survive during the last year. I've only been on this board for about 3 days now and have found it a great help. I will try some others that helped you.<br><br>
Today has been a relatively OK day, except the fact that everywhere I've turned today I've seen pregnant women or women with babies. That's been the hardest thing for me today. I even turned on the TV and several shows just happened to have pregnant women in the story lines. I guess they've always been there, but I"ve never noticed them as I do now. I can't help but think that should be me. My question is, when, if ever, does this get easier? It's hard to imagine being truly happy again. The little things I used to find joy in, I don't anymore. It's almost like I want to be happy sometimes, but I say to myself "No, I can't be happy, my baby is gone." I guess I'll just keep thinking that time heals, and expect that it will get easier, one day at a time. I hope it does.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">My question is, when, if ever, does this get easier? It's hard to imagine being truly happy again. The little things I used to find joy in, I don't anymore. It's almost like I want to be happy sometimes, but I say to myself "No, I can't be happy, my baby is gone." I guess I'll just keep thinking that time heals, and expect that it will get easier, one day at a time. I hope it does.</td>
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I really wish there were answers to these questions. I remember feeling like "give me a date and i can make it until then" but the pain never goes away. I find this to be one of the hardest things - that my daughter will always be dead, she cannot be replaced, i won't forget, i'll always have a child buried. I don't think the pain goes away but it changes from something that eats away at you constantly and burns to a dull ache that is at times almost forgotten. I am still relatively new to loss but for me, often when i think of Julianna, i have a bittersweet sort of feeling rather than pain but other times, it hits me like a ton of bricks and i'm right back in that dark place. It is really hard to find joy but please try. Part of this for me was realizing how precious life is and how fleeting. I feel obligated to find joy in life and to be thankful for the many good things in my life. Time does heal and i'm glad that you have faith in its ability to heal. I still live one day at a time most of the time. You are strong and you will heal but the process is long and hard.
 

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kd will , it seems you and i have alot in common , i to lost my children (twins ) b/g jayden and jordan on 12-21-03 one year to the day u lost your christoper at 20 weeks also . i thought i'd make it this time . for i thought i did everything possible to save my children. in 01 i lost my 1st born jacoby which was really devastating bcuz i almost loss my life too. w/ the twins i found a new dr . and she told me she would place a vag. cerclage in . i just knew i'd be bring my bundles of joy home. but on the day i went at 15 weeks to see what we were having my dreams were shattered. they told us we would be having a boy and girl . then the dr walk in and said indeed had incompetent cervix and my pregnancy would not last even w/ the cerclage . i was devastated i was immediately addmitted to the hospital and lasted 5 weeks til i had my precious babies on 12-21-03 at 7:32 & 7:34 am . kd will i thought i'd never get over my loss. for the weeks and months ahead looked very bleak . i was mad at the world including the two most important people who were there w/ me my husband and my mom. loosing our children took a toll on my marriage . i was angry w/ my hubby bcuz he was able to move on , or so i thought (our loss took a toll on him too), my mom was trying to pick my spirits up and i took it as she wanted me to "get over " loosing my babies, what i realize now was that she was trying tohelp me for i was EXTREMELY depressed and she did not want to see me spiral downwards for i also suffer from depression . its been 13 months since that day and i never thoght id be were i am today. i was ready to die that day and wanted to so bad . but today i'm hear and not a moment goes by i dont think about all 3 of my babies but esspecially the twins bcuz they were alive . ive become an advocate for infant and pregnancy loss , i speak about my children daily , my husband and i talk about them daily . ive educated my self and others who are afraid to approch the subject of a loss of a child . i'm currently doing reserch to see what i have to do next time to have an sucessful pg. i would like you and everyone to no that dr's tell you that a vag stitch "should hold " i'm proof that it didnt . now dont get me wrong i'm not saying they dont bcuz i have 2 close friends that they did work for . but i dont want u to be blind sided like i was and think that everything will be fine.dr's would like me to have another vag stitch called a shroikor(sp?) last time i had a mcdonald stitch . I REFUSE TO HAVE ANOTHER VAG PLACED . my next option is to have an abdominal cerclage , it is very risky and MANY dr's do not like doing them bcuz they are risky.but its my last option to bring a live baby home .i esspecially need this placed bcuz dr's say the chances of me having twins again has quadripled. the abdominal cerclage or tac is place thru the stomach higher towards the uterus . i will always have to have c-sections after this is done. but the sucuess rate is almost 99%. MANY dr's will not even consider this risky procedure until u've 1st have had a vaginal stitch placed .<br>
like i said the road is tough , and there are still days that i have pitty parties . mothers day was and will probably always be hard for me bcuz that was the day the twins were suppose to be born & xmas will never be the same .<br>
please fell free to email me bcuz i am full of knowledge know , when it comes to loss of a child, the grieving period, cerclages, and and anything else that has to do w/ infant loss . truly<br>
lanae <a href="mailto:[email protected]">[email protected]</a>
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thank you ladies very much for your kind words. They have helped a lot. I think I have been pretty strong through all of this, but lately I have been really grieving for my son. We decided to wait the full 3 months instead of waiting longer which will be next month. I am so happy for all of you that are pregnant and I wish you the very best.<br><br>
berkeleyp: I named my son Joshua Jr. after his father. Thank you for asking and thank you for telling me about your little girl. I am very sorry for your loss but happy for the new life you are carring.<br><br>
Thank you once again.
 

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I'm so glad to hear that you're doing alright and feel like you're getting through this. Good luck with ttc. I will send lots of baby dust your way in the hopes a new little one will come to you soon.
 
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