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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
dh will be 31 next week. he's a PhD student and a TA. about a month ago a 19 yo female undergrad (not his student, but in another section of the class he teaches) approached him in the elevator flirtaciously, then found him on facebook, became "friends" and exchanged numbers. They text and talk over the phone numerous times each day and occasionaly eat lunch together on campus. DH has also given her rides home from school since she doesn't have a car. She calls and/or texts dh nightly asking him to come and "hang out" with her. He's never done this...at least not to my knowledge. I've told him that I do not approve of this relationship and that I think it is highly innappropriate. He says that when I put it in the context of him being a 31 yo married male with a kid, hanging out with a single 19 yo girl, he can see how that would be innappropriate, but they're just friends and she's "really smart" and they have "great conversations". I say that I totally trust him and everything, but that the risks way out-weigh the benefits in this relationship. All it takes is for someone to perceive foul-play and his whole career is on the line! I said that it seemed extremely irresponsible to put our family in that position since we're all greatly counting on him to finish school and get a good job. He says he has no other friends right now and guys his age are boring. All they talk about is football, getting drunk, and getting laid. And married guys his age can never get together and they only talk about their kids or bash their wives. I said I can totally understand his position, but that still this relationship is far too risky and COMPLETELY INNAPPROPRIATE! We just were talking about this again today right before I put ds down for his nap. When I came out of the room once ds was asleep there was a note on the kitchen counter saying that "if I need him, he'll be at the library." I really don't think I'm out of line here. I just don't know how to approach this situation without pushing him away and making him secretive. I just don't know what to do. wwyd?
 

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I wish I had better advice for you, but I just couldn't read this without posting. Your post has alarm bells sounding all over it for me. Please try to talk with your DH in as calm a manner as you can muster.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
thanks for the reply <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> what more can I say? I was actually very calm and straight forward with him on this. and he was calmly defiant and stubborn in response...which is very typical for him. exactly what kind of red flags is this raising? I see a bunch of them too, just wondering if we're seeing the same ones. anyone have some good ways of approaching this problem? I honestly don't know what else to do besides blowing my lid.
 

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No way would I let my dh run around with a 19-year-old girl, or any single woman frankly. And he wouldn't even think to do it. It might be innocent so far but I sincerely question how long that will last. Teenage girls don't look for married 30-something-year-old male friends. He might just be flattered at this point but eventually things will happen.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Sparks*</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12366164"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">so what do I do?</div>
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I'd flat-out tell my husband to stop. Or tell him that if he wants to hang out with her, you come along. If he feeds you some BS line about trusting him, I'd tell him that trust it earned and men who run around with teenage girls while their wives are at home aren't in a position to have earned that trust.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Sparks*</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12365907"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I just don't know how to approach this situation without pushing him away and making him secretive.</div>
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So I know what you're saying, Sparks, and I think mamazee's advice *would* just make him secretive.<br><br>
I'm not sure what I'd do, I think you should not say anything for a bit, watch closely, think some more about how to approach it. Not that this isn't important but "forbidding" him seems strange to me, he's an adult. You want him to see why it's inappropriate/risky, not just obey you, right?<br><br>
One approach is to stress the "future career on the line" angle - could you find some stories of great promising PhD candidates who blew their chances in academia by appearing to have an affair with female grad student? There must be lots such scenarios floating around.<br><br>
And Especially would be effective if a colleague or good friend or relative (i.e., not you) is the one to tell him a cautionary tale of this kind.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mamazee</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12366105"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">No way would I let my dh run around with a 19-year-old girl, or any single woman frankly. And he wouldn't even think to do it. It might be innocent so far but I sincerely question how long that will last. <b>Teenage girls don't look for married 30-something-year-old male friends.</b> He might just be flattered at this point but eventually things will happen.</div>
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bolding mine<br>
its true. i was <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">: one of those 19yo's its very true, teenage girls DONT look for married 30 something male friends. it doesnt happen. even if he doesnt have them, or see hers, she has ulterior motives.<br>
if it were my husband i would tell him the relationship needed to stop, or that *I* would be the one reporting it to his higher ups.<br>
petty, but when reason doesnt work, whatelse can you fall back on?
 

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Ummm- maybe it's the pregnancy hormones in me but I would be having a serious chat with your DH if I were you. THis infuriates me and is completely inappropriate.
 

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I woulld tell him to end the friendship now. If this relationship is less important to him than your marriage he should have no problem stoping a behavior that's hurting you.<br>
You told him you trust him but I don't think that's entirely true if you are feeling so bothered by this "friendship".<br><br>
You are well with in the scope of reason to demand that your 30something husband not be friends with a 19 yeaqr old girl. Inoccent or not your husband doesn't need to hgave friendships that make you uncomfortable.<br><br>
If you don't feel like you can tell him to stop go to counsleing and have the counsler tell him b/c I doubt there is a therapist out there who find this behavior acceptable.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Sparks*</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12365907"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">they're just friends and she's "really smart" and they have "great conversations". I say that I totally trust him and everything, but that the risks way out-weigh the benefits in this relationship.<br><br>
He says he has no other friends right now and guys his age are boring.</div>
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Do you two have time to spend together having great conversations? With a small child & one partner in a doctorate program, I imagine hanging out like that probably doesn't happen too often.<br><br>
So could you point out to him calmly that you totally support his need to have friends with whom to share edifying conversation. But maybe life is just not relaxed enough right now to allow for that. He's in a PhD program, he has a young child - any "extra" time should probably go toward nurturing the friendship/relationship between the two of you; creating the time and space so *you guys* can have great talks. (instead of one of you off having sparking discussions with another person) Having friends with whom you really enjoy talking is a worthy goal but *right now* he has other commitments.<br><br>
Maybe he likes it b/c he can talk to her about grad school stuff? You could be involved in that too, I know when I was in grad school there were lots of young spouses who hung out with us to have a beer and talk about the professors, the program, ideas in the field etc. I know that's unlikely you can swing it with a babe but just sayin
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
ok, so I just saw that dh put an unlimited text plan on our cell phone. real nice. I really want to go and call up t mobile right now, cancel all capabilities of sending and receiving texts and tell them to take dh's name off of the plan so only I can have access to the account! this really pisses me off. we can't afford this.<br><br>
I know that if I forbid dh to see or talk to this girl, he'll just sneak around. I want him to see that this is a really stupid idea and for him to be an adult and make the right choice himself. That could definately be asking too much. I mainly feel disrespected, and have already tried reasoning with him by asking how he would feel if I had a similar relationship with a 19 yo boy. He admits he wouldn't like it, but still, that hasn't stopped him from having his own relationship. He at one time questioned her motives since it seemed she was only calling him to ask for help in class, a ride here or there, to clean her oven even...but he says he questioned her about it and talked to her about it and she swears up and down that she "just thinks he's cool and wants to be friends." I don't buy it. Dh, ds and I were walking downtown one afternoon and we ran into her. I knew it was her from awhile away just by the way she looked at dh, then looked at me and ds, then tried to sneak past unnoticed. It was bizarre. Dh actually said hi to her and introduced us. He's so oblivious! She gave me a very embarrassed/ashamed kind of look. that's really the only way I can describe it. very awkward.<br><br>
anyway, sorry to ramble. I guess I need to think about all this some more.
 

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Would he be willing to invite her over to meet you and have "great conversations" all together? If not, then yes, it's innapropriate. Yes, he needs friends. But if this friendship hurts you, and takes time away from his PRIMARY realtionship it will cause trouble.<br><br>
I trust my DH. He frequently has female friends. But this situation would make me uncomfortable.<br><br>
Maybe he can meet YOU for lunch without the kids once a week. You need a little time too. And what better way to spend it than with your BEST friend?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>traceface</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12366299"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Do you two have time to spend together having great conversations? With a small child & one partner in a doctorate program, I imagine hanging out like that probably doesn't happen too often.<br><br>
So could you point out to him calmly that you totally support his need to have friends with whom to share edifying conversation. But maybe life is just not relaxed enough right now to allow for that. He's in a PhD program, he has a young child - any "extra" time should probably go toward nurturing the friendship/relationship between the two of you; creating the time and space so *you guys* can have great talks. (instead of one of you off having sparking discussions with another person) Having friends with whom you really enjoy talking is a worthy goal but *right now* he has other commitments.<br><br>
Maybe he likes it b/c he can talk to her about grad school stuff? You could be involved in that too, I know when I was in grad school there were lots of young spouses who hung out with us to have a beer and talk about the professors, the program, ideas in the field etc. I know that's unlikely you can swing it with a babe but just sayin</div>
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she's actually an undergrad, so she really doesn't understand much about grad school type stuff, but yeah, he has said that really he just enjoys talking about anthropology and genetics (both of their fields) with her.<br><br>
No, we haven't had hardly enough time to even breathe, let alone have deep and meaningful conversations. What really gets to me too is that when we do have some time alone or quality family time together he's either texting her or talking about her. We went to the local pumpkin patch this morning with ds and I counted 5 times in 1 hour that she was brought up in conversation. I mentioned this to him and said how I would really enjoy us having time together without talking about her, and well...that led to our whole discussion as mentioned in previous posts.<br><br>
I actually even said that I totally support and understand his need for friends outside our relationship to talk about school stresses and whatnot, but that with this semester being so crazy, we really needed to focus on keeping our relationship strong. He said that it wouldn't matter what the semester was like, he would never make friends, let alone friends his own age and sex.
 

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I don't think you are going to convince him what he is doing is wrong but maybe you can get him to understand that he is hurting you. It make s me very suspcious that this "Friendship" seems more important to him than the way it is making you feel.<br><br>
My husband had an affair and I came face to face with the woman at least once that I can remember while the affair was going on. My husband just acted casual about it. later when he confessed the affair I knew instantly that it was that woman b/c of how uncomfortable she seemed being around me and my daughter.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Sparks*</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12366392"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">ok, so I just saw that dh put an unlimited text plan on our cell phone. real nice. I really want to go and call up t mobile right now, cancel all capabilities of sending and receiving texts and tell them to take dh's name off of the plan so only I can have access to the account! this really pisses me off. we can't afford this.<br><br>
I know that if I forbid dh to see or talk to this girl, he'll just sneak around. I want him to see that this is a really stupid idea and for him to be an adult and make the right choice himself. That could definately be asking too much. I mainly feel disrespected, and have already tried reasoning with him by asking how he would feel if I had a similar relationship with a 19 yo boy. He admits he wouldn't like it, but still, that hasn't stopped him from having his own relationship. He at one time questioned her motives since it seemed she was only calling him to ask for help in class, a ride here or there, to clean her oven even...but he says he questioned her about it and talked to her about it and she swears up and down that she "just thinks he's cool and wants to be friends." I don't buy it. Dh, ds and I were walking downtown one afternoon and we ran into her. I knew it was her from awhile away just by the way she looked at dh, then looked at me and ds, then tried to sneak past unnoticed. It was bizarre. Dh actually said hi to her and introduced us. He's so oblivious! She gave me a very embarrassed/ashamed kind of look. that's really the only way I can describe it. very awkward.<br><br>
anyway, sorry to ramble. I guess I need to think about all this some more.</div>
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Between that and the texting plan, I would definitely put my foot down, and I am usually the first person to defend male/female friendships. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: Their behavior is extremely inappropriate and disrespectful. This young woman is blatantly chasing your husband and he is doing nothing to discourage her or let her know your relationship is important. NOT COOL. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"><br><br>
I would totally nix the texting plan and if it were my dh there would be a serious discussion. I would also be going to the library, baby in tow.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Whether <i>he</i> thinks this is innocent or not, and I <i>don't</i> believe he does, this woman does not respect your relationship. If he decides to sneak around, so be it. But I sure would not make things easy for him, and I would put him on notice that you are paying attention and will be making plans to protect yourself and your child in the event that he does anything foolish.
 

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I would absolutely not be concerned about 'making' him become secretive. That's not you responsibility. I'd personally tell dh in no uncertain terms that this must stop. I'd halt the texting contract on the phone. I'd sit him down and tell him very seriously that if he wants to continue this 'friendship,' he needs to come to counselling with you, this week, and explain why to an impartial counsellor. I'd make that appt ready for him.<br><br>
I'd also stress to him that if he wants to risk a lawsuit, he is not going to take you down with him, so if he insists on the friendship continuing, you need separate financial arrangements immediately.<br><br>
In other words, he'd be getting a very clear riot act read to him. There would be no time taken to think about how to approach this so as not to drive it underground. It would be nipped in the bud, very decisively, right now. Immediately.<br><br>
I hope that you can stand firm and impress upon your dh how foolish he is being.<br><br>
Oh, and I think I'd probably be in contact wtih the girl, too, letting her know who she was messing with. (ie, me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> )
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Britishmum</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12366624"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Oh, and I think I'd probably be in contact wtih the girl, too, letting her know who she was messing with. (ie, me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> )</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
seriously<br><br>
Loretta Lynn, anyone?<br><br><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpA5Wut74MI&feature=related" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpA5W...eature=related</a>
 

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Oh boy. I could have written your post nearly word for word, except my husband was 38 and the girl 23. They worked together. They were great "friends," texted all the time (he signed up for the unlimited plan too), called "just to talk," and I was the paraoid one for thinking the relationship was inappropriate.<br><br>
We're getting divorced now. This was far from the only reason, but it was a big one. My STBX never cared about my concerns and refused to break it off, even when the communication turned clearly romantic (I found an IM string one night, a bunch of texts another night). I kept waiting for him to realize he was an adult with a family who was acting like a teenager, and he never did. So I kicked him out, did a lot of thinking about our marriage, and when he tried to come back I didn't want to work on things anymore.<br><br>
I hope this doesn't scare you too much, but your instincts are absolutely correct. This type of relationship isn't just inappropriate, it's very addictive and a VERY slippery slope. For the man, it's a big ego boost to have this young thing look up to him and admire him ... if the communication turns romantic, well, that's even more flattering, and it can snowball very quickly. My STBX kept telling himself (and me) that he wasn't doing anything wrong because he hadn't been physical with the girl, but essentially she replaced me in his emotional life. If you have a better foundation with your DH than I did, you can navigate through this, but he has to recognize that what he is doing is wrong and break it off. He needs to respect your feelings on this.
 
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