[MooseMtnMidwife]

Dear friends,

Many years ago i made a bold decision, as I was married to a Jew, to NOT circumcise my two sons, now 17 and 14. I have always been very happy with that decision. I have always been very open about sex with my kids, too, as a midwife and as a mom. I am now facing a hard place with my oldest son.

He is a very good looking and very popular boy. He is a jock, is much beloved at his school, and has a girlfriend of now almost two years, with whom he is sexual in a limited way. He lives in a different town than I, with his dad, who is very strict and unforgiving about anything, and who would flip if he knew what is going on.

An unknown girl is harrassing "Tommy" and his gf, "Dena", talking about how he has had sex with her, the harasser, and she can prove it cos she knows he has not been circumsised. She is threatening to tell everyone at school. About two years ago, a very popular boy was teased into near insanity about his not being circumcised. He was no longer popular, and lost a lot of friends over this. My son is very afraid this will happen to him. He is even talking about coming to live with me, which I would love, but not for this reason. He thinks this will ruin his life.

Now, I know that it won't ruin his life, but I am deeply concerned. It blows me away that this intimate, personal information is something tossed about and criticized and teased about. It blows me away that this is something for which a young man is made to feel ashamed. It hurts me that a decision I so carefully made is hurting the one I made it for. I am so sad for him that he cannot turn to his dad right now, and that I am far away and don' know what to do.

Have any of you faced anything like this as your intact sons have grown up?
I would love some comfort and advice.

 

[Frankly Speaking]

I think your son has a trump card in his hand that neither he or you has seen.

I would suggest to him that he approach the jilted lover and tell her that if he hears one word about it from anyone, he will place a call to her parents and describe to them what she is saying and exactly how she came to have this information. I certainly doubt that she will be wanting to spread this information about him enough to have a face-to-face with her parents about her sexual activities.

:

Frank

 

[MooseMtnMidwife]

Frank,

Great idea...but Tommy does not know who this girl is. She calls and hangs up on both him and Dena. She says her name but they do not know her, and she claims to be from another school. He did not sleep with her.

the bigger question I have is how can I help him be more comfortable with who and how he is....I know that as an adult he will be more comfy with his body, and he and I have talked about how much better being intact is for his sexual life, and that most women know this.

For him, this is about being different...singled out and stigmatized. I guess I bought the stats on half the boys his age not being cut. I always have talked about how looking alike does not matter....but to him, it does.

Tommy's Mom

 

[dynamohumm6]

If he's a jock, wouldn't he have been in showers or a locker room where his, er, "foreskin status" wouldn't be a secret anymore?

 

[Quirky]

He could also check out http://research.cirp.org which will explain to him exactly what it is his cut buddies are missing.

You might consider cross-posting in the parenting teens forum - and also there's a member, njeb, who has adult intact sons. Maybe she will have some helpful advice. Both of mine are so young I haven't had to deal with bullying.

 

[TigerTail]

star 69 might help track her down, eh? she ought to be expelled for sexual harassment (and frankly, remembering my school days, if some strange girl started trying to 'punish' some jock by saying she'd had sex with him & describing his penis, she would been laughed at and shunned as a freak. not him.)

 

[+stella+]

Quote:

Build him up that he is the sexually superior machine because he is.

I totally agree, he needs to give them an earful of all the things he has and they dont. I know its not nice exactly but if they are bugging him. Its funny, I got an email from an ex not long ago, we are still friends, and he is uncut and he said his parents never talked to him about it really and he thought he was deformed or something for the longest time till he figured it out. Hes over 30 now so they probably didnt even know TO tell him things, they were born in Scotland and he in ENgland and moved to canada at the age of 3. Anyway, he was telling me how he still hates to go into public restrooms sometimes, and I sent him the lost list from norm, and he said he was sooo like, enligtened and set free with this knowledge now. He KNOWs he has something special and better and is not leary of going in to public restrooms now.

I guess what I mean is education is so key, let your son know what he has and will enjoy and what his wife will enjoy and how much better off he will be. I think that its a tad bit of an overdramatisation to say the one guy went from prom king to loser just because people knew he was uncut. Kids loooove to be dramatic. If he is as you say he is, this wont matter as much as he thinks it will I bet. He really needs to play up exactly what Frank said.

good luck to you. <3

 

[A&A]

How would you deal with your son getting teased about any other issue? (Being too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny, etc. etc.) Teaching him to value himself for who and what he is will go along way, regardless of what he is getting teased about.

 

[njeb]

I just typed out a long reply and it disappeared into cyberspace!

:
My intact 18 year old ds says he has never experienced any teasing about being intact, even though we live in a very high-circ. area. He says no one seems to care about it.
What does his father have to say about it? Is he pressuring your ds to get circ'ed? Maybe it's time you had a talk with his father.
Make your ds feel good about having a foreskin. Let him know how stupid that girl is. Other posters have given you links to websites that will help him.

to you and your sons!
This is the short version. I'll type more when my computer is behaving better.

 

[nicnbrenna]

This is coming from a different view. I don't have any sons, but my husband is not circ'd. Before I met him (when he was in high school) he had way more sexual experience than I would've liked, and he never had any trouble with anyone about it. He did say he went through a time when he wished he was circ'd because he felt different (saw too much porn- lol). Although your son shouldn't have to defend his own body, and although it's none of their business- he could always say how much better sex is for him because he's not circ'd.

 

[MooseMtnMidwife]

I just want to say that I am not a troll, just a mom trying to get some fresh perspective on a hard topic at my house right now.

Thanks for all the great links and ideas so far. I do think finding out who this girl is and maybe reporting her is a good idea. Dena, the girlfriend, is going to be gone for the next few days...don't know for sure but maybe stuff will simmer down while she is gone.

Kids will tease, about anything. It is often cruel. It leads to a lot of pain. I was teased a lot. I remember how it hurts. Even with all the emphasis on not bullying, I think it is an uphill battle.

Also, I know that not circumcising is the best thing. I am just sad that my good decision is still causing my ds problems.

Moosey

 

[dynamohumm6]

Quote:

If he's a jock, wouldn't he have been in showers or a locker room where his, er, "foreskin status" wouldn't be a secret anymore?

I was still wondering about this?

 

[sahli29]

//

 

[dynamohumm6]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mattemma04 <<<She is threatening to tell everyone at school. About two years ago, a very popular boy was teased into near insanity about his not being circumcised. >>> OMG,the boy has all of his penis? When one really thinks about it there is more to be embarassed about with having various amounts of your genitals chopped off at birth. If I were a normal teen male my response would be," Yeah, THANK GOD I HAVE a normal one(insert your word of preference!).How much of yours did you lose at birth?"

My first boyfriend in high school was intact. We lived in the middle of absolute NOWHERE, and I think the circ rates were astronomical. He had ONE guy say something to him ONE time, and his response was something to the effect of "why are you thinking about my dick?".
That was the end of that!

 

[Greenie]

I would sudjest calling the police the next time she calls. Write down the time she called, exactly what she said, and see if you can't find out what is going on. I like the idea of telling her parents how she came across the info.

 

[MAMom]

I don't have a teen, but I was one

I agree with other posters that education is key for your son. If your son is truly educated about the value of his foreskin to himself & his lovers, he will be very thankful to be intact! "Popularity" can be lost over so many issues...it happened to me in high school. And you're absolutely right, kids can be horribly cruel.

Good solid self-esteem I think is the key to getting through it. Helping him foster this in himself as opposed to focusing on how he is different from or the same as others will get him a lot farther in life. High school can just be a really rough time, no matter how good-looking, popular or jock-ish you are. Remind him that he could have ended up as an ugly, unpopular nerd!

I am a fan of this article
http://www.luckystiff.org/files/SeparatedAtBirth.pdf
which talks about many aspects of circ, including how intact lovers have quite an advantage.

I don't know if this might help, but when I was a kid, crank calling was a very popular "hobby". One of the homes that my friends & I used to crank call day after day had their line answered/connected to the police department (or maybe the father just answered the phone saying "such-and-such town police department"). Anyway, you can better believe we never called that house again!

Hopefully Dena knows how lucky she is too

___________________________________
SAHM to a spectacular little boy, born 5/2003 :bf

Feb 2006!
"When you teach your son, you teach your son's son." ~ The Talmud

 

[~Nikki~]

Quote:

If he's a jock, wouldn't he have been in showers or a locker room where his, er, "foreskin status" wouldn't be a secret anymore?

You'd be suprised at how little this actually happens. I was talking to DH, a former jock, about this just the other day. And he told me that the "locker room" theory is bunk....guys don't show off their penises in the locker room. At least in his extensive experience. In his years and years in the locker room, nobody ever actually found out that he was intact. And it's not that he was embarassed about his penis and hiding it, or anything (he's a very well endowed guy, nothing to be shy about, there

)...it's just that ALL of the guys were in towels whenever they were nude in the locker room. It's not like they flop them all down on a bench and compare, or anything.

 

[polarbear]

I am a circumcised (Canadian) male who was in high school in the late 80's / early 90's. I was part of the water polo, swim team, and badminton team. Nude showers were normal for most, with only a few going into the stalls or using towels to change. I can't recall anyone ever commenting on the size, shape or color of someone else's penis / pubic hair / erection. No teasing, no jokes, no criticism, no nothing. In College I was a member of the school gym, and changed with the others as well as the sports teams, most were completely nude&#8230;No teasing, no jokes, no nothing. In my adult life I was part of a gym for a number of years, nudity everywhere&#8230;No teasing, no jokes, no nothing. The common thread is what most here have reported, hundreds of penises, not one joke.

That while locker-room teasing does happen, it is very uncommon, and could just as easily pertain to a haircut, muscle development, of even the man-boobs some boys develop during puberty.

I do have to say however, that ALL MEN can't help but look. There is no way that a man can change without seeing something when other nude men are walking around. There is a natural tendency to take note and mentally compare. It is just not a big deal. Do we stare, no. But we also don't walk around like Perseus watching for Medusa in the mirror so that we don't get turned to stone.

Concerning the original poster: Is your son's Jewish status significant in his school?

 

[A&A]

Do you have caller ID? If not, you can punch in *69 and find out the number of the last caller.

 

[hummingbear]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MooseMtnMidwife For him, this is about being different...singled out and stigmatized. I guess I bought the stats on half the boys his age not being cut. I always have talked about how looking alike does not matter....but to him, it does.

Check out your stats: 17 years ago the circ rate was much higher than 50%. Maybe it is approaching 50% now.

If he is a jock does it bother him that he looks so much more muscular than most of the other guys?

Where is his self esteem? I would be more worried that his self esteem was so low that any of this would be causing him angst.

Being good at a sport takes a lot of training. Most things in life take a lot of training. Time to start training at other things.

Good Luck