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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have to get this off of my chest. These feelings have been bottling up because 5/7/10 marks three years after I lost my mother (I was 16 also).<br><br>
I have really high anxiety- I panic at everything. I'm crazy-scared of death. Everything about it. I fear what my childrens lives would be like- and I fear what it will be like to have no more.. anything. I fear that eternal nothingness. I'm an earthy athiest and basically just believe that when we die our bodies go back to the earth to continue to enrich the world. Though I do (really) like that idea, it freaks me out. That I will have no feelings, no thoughts, no nothing. I lie in bed awake for hours thinking about this, holding my little girl's hand. I know that life will continue without me. For some reason I am so not okay with that, and though I know that there is nothing I can do to change it.. it scares me. I just get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.<br><br>
I fear my husband and children dying as well. I constantly constantly check on my 4 month old, each time in panic because I'm scared. My husband has undiagnosed sleep apnea and I jump out of bed (he's currently a couch sleeper because of snoring and it interfering with the baby sleeping) just to check on him. I do the same with my 2yo.<br><br>
My husband was in a horrible accident last September. He was going to the suburbs (we're in Chicago) for job training. His car was totaled, every seat was compacted and destroyed except for his. He only had whiplash. My fears of death have been overwhelming since then.<br><br>
Tomorrow he has to go for job training again. It's 4:30am and I'm awake in panic mode because I'm so so scared of him making that trip again. I know that this is getting seriously debilitating because I honestly wish that I could go along with him because if something happened I wouldn't be able to handle the thought of my husband in eternal nothingness. I wouldn't want him to end his life journey alone. I know how completely ridiculous that sounds.<br><br>
I'm just terrified. Cancer runs in my family, though I think it is smoking related because it is always lung or throat etc. I'm scared I have some undiagnosed illness that's going to kill me. I keep hearing of children with childhood cancers. I totally go off the deep end when I hear about those stories. I begin to analyze every little detail of my 2yos life. Recently a little boy I know over the internet was diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer- he's the same age as my youngest. There's also brain issues in my family. I'm just beside myself because I know how ridiculous this is but I can't do anything about it.<br><br>
A house a few houses down had a terrible fire but everyone got out safely. We have a horrible living situation (13 other people besides myself living in this home, though our space is separate) and I worry that someone will be irresponsible and cause us a fire.<br><br>
I worry that when I do dishes someone is going to sneak up behind me and hurt me.<br><br>
I sleep with my contact lenses on *just in case* something bad happens and I need to be able to see (glasses broke a long time ago and we're too poor for new ones).<br><br>
I have a history of depression- my mother was an alcoholic when I was younger, and that coupled with her illnesses- it was a heavy load on me. I was on lexapro for a very short amount of time and it didn't help me one bit. I wanted to harm myself, I still have those feelings but I don't act on them and am *finally* able to work past them.<br><br>
The death thing is just so taxing and overwhelming. If someone can recommend a good book to read or some kind words of advice... that would be great.
 

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Can you seek medical help? A psychiatrist or psychologist or both... the former is able to prescribe and the later is mostly for talking through things. I am currently in both. I have PTSD and anxiety, depression related to my PTSD. You symptoms sound familiar but different still. I would seriously look into finding someone professional to help you through this. You are still so young (I'm twice your age based on info you gave in your OP) and I'd hate for you to not get help until 20+ years later, which is how long it has taken me. Please seriously consider professional help to deal with your anxieties and fears. There are many ways to help yourself through this, and the best one is the one that works for you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I had A LOT! of anxiety around death/illness and I have recently gotten relief from it from a classical homeopath. I went in with a handful of issues and the most remarkable results for me have been with my anxiety. I am very thankful as it is soooooo debilitating and scary.<br>
I would look for a classical homeopath in your area or you cam pm me and I can forward you my homeopaths website info. She does consults via skype and phone for out of town clients.<br>
Hang in there mama!
 

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Oh mama, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I just wanted to chime in and say that I know who you're talking about with the poor little baby with brain cancer, and since that diagnosis, I've been freaking out, too. The fact that a baby... just 4 months old... can have a fight like that ahead of him scares me to death. I'm terrified that could happen to my children, too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks everyone. I've actually been feeling a bit better now that the anniversary of my mother's passing has past and I have been otherwise preoccupied with life.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> GinnyMama, it's so sad. I suppose it could happen to any of us, but the fact that it's happening to a baby is just so frightening.
 

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<p>Pmed you.</p>
 
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