Mothering Forum banner

1 - 4 of 4 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,003 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is a little out of my comfort zone, but...<br><br>
...my husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years. With each child, the level of intimacy in our marriage has dropped. I know this, and yet it has seemed a shock at the lack of connection I feel towards him/from him during this pregnancy. We don't "connect" anymore and, er, um, dtd is more like a robotic task than a butterflies-in-your-stomach event. It makes me really sad, because we used to be very attracted to each other. Now, he doesn't have any interest at all in my body besides accomplishing the task. Part of it I think started because we have three under the age of four, so finding time was difficult, and when we have, we've had to rush before being interrupted. Now we're getting more time and there's nothing left.<br><br>
I miss my husband desiring me. It's more than just between the sheets; we don't touch/hug/kiss/anything anymore. We are so much more like 2 people co-raising our kids. We have some issues in our marriage, but for the most part it's smooth sailing. But every time one of us initiates dtd, I end up so sad falling asleep because there's no spark, no passion. It's just an action, no emotion.<br><br>
Anyone come back from this? I know there are seasons, and that's kind of what I've told myself. But this season is starting to last a very long time, and the tides are changing. It should be improving, but it's just not. Anyone have a book/suggestion/anything on ways to improve intimacy? I have tried talking to him, but he just shrugs it off and says he's nervous. I'm not doubting that, but after so many years? I just want him to *want* me, more than just the physical feeling. To really look at me and want to dtd because of me.<br><br>
So....that's my deal. Just wondered if anyone had any tips. We have both changed so much, and I'm not usually a weepy, feel-inadequate-kind-of-woman, but it's starting to bother my pregnant, hormonal self. Like, is it really that bad? My body? But it's been longer than the pregnancy. It's just really starting to bother me more. I just wish it could be like in the beginning when he longed to discover every square inch of me. Now it's b-line for one area, and that's it. Game over. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
270 Posts
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and those feelings are probably excacerbated by your pregnancy, unfortunately.<br><br>
So he said he's nervous- did he say about what? My husband was worried he would hurt the baby while I was pregnant. The lack of time for sex is certainly something that we struggle with as many, many parents do. So you're not alone and I think it's quite a challenge. I'm not doing great with this struggle myself right now. There are so many other things pulling your time and emotional energy that it's hard to really connect with your spouse in the ways you did before kids and I really miss that. It doesn't sound like you fight a lot, just that you feel a bit lonely or overlooked. What I have found mostly is that if I'm feeling bad with my relationship, the first thing I can do is look at myself. How are you feeling about your body? Do you feel sexy anymore? If not, what would it take to regain that feeling? Perhaps if you focus on nurturing a reconnecting with that part of yourself, your husband will start to see that in you again.<br><br>
You asked for a book recommendation so here are a couple. The Passionate Marriage is a book that talks about how things change as life intervenes. She discusses ways to think and work on reaching new/deeper understandings of passion, your partner and your relationship. I think it's a really good book but it's been quite a while since I've read it and I think it's one of those that might take rereading for it to really sink in, iykwim. Another one that I've heard a lot about but have not personally read is How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Seems the title is pretty self-explanatory. Seems like for the most part men would rather not talk too much about relationships and such. Another book that might help is The Five Love Languages. There's another thread about it currently. Maybe neither of you is getting shown love in the way you want it, which could create a bit of distance rather inadvertently. Maybe if you focused on just giving to him, when you're having sex, he might begin to reciprocate. And not just focusing on sex, but maybe he's feeling neglected or hurt and is a little withdrawn because he misses you too. Sounds counterintuitive, but I think when we miss someone or wish we were getting more, we tend to retreat a bit. Maybe that's what's going on.<br><br>
Anyway, I hope any of that was helpful. It doesn't feel good to not feel desired, I know that. Good luck and congratulations on your newest little one!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
731 Posts
Just have a moment but I highly recommend Pat Love's books.<br><br>
1.) The Truth About Love<br>
2.) Hot Monogamy<br><br>
You can get them online or maybe even at the library. Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,003 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you for the suggestions. I am going to check on the books listed in our local library and see what I can find. Lots of truth in these responses!!
 
1 - 4 of 4 Posts
Top