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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>RedOakMomma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14533865"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think what you're feeling is really normal and many if not most pre-adoptive parents start out that way. The feeling that you won't ever be the "real mom" is so common, and I started out that way myself...in fact, I used to have a really hard time with the term "first mom" because to me it implied that I was second-rank, or lesser. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br>
. . . .What I can say is that, once you are raising your child, the fears of not feeling like her real mom will go away. FAST!</div>
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Yes, all this.<br><br>
We have both: an open adoption and a closed one.<br><br>
I would say our particular type of open adoption would be the most difficult possible circumstances under which to have an open adoption, so if we can testify on behalf of open adoption...folks in all kinds of situations should, IMO, at least consider it.<br><br>
Our open adoption began as a foster-adoption, and our son's first parents-- in particular his first mother-- fought to raise her child. Thus, she was clearly not supportive of the adoption from the very start. She also doesn't have the cognitive and emotional capacity to accept her failings and limitations, so she will probably always struggle to understand the *reasons* her rights to her son were terminated. To her, it will likely always feel like her son was stolen from her. This was at the very foundation of our relationship.<br><br>
Our son came to us as a newborn, 1.5 days old. He never knew his first mother as a mother. Her rights to an older child had already been terminated, and for a number of reasons it was clear that it would be dangerous to "give her a second chance" with ds. So the state immediately put him in our home for foster care. He didn't come home from the hospital for a week after his birth, but we stayed with him in the special care nursery 24-7 except for a couple hours each day when his first mother would visit.<br><br>
While we weren't allowed to visit with the mother in the hospital (the situation was too volatile and the hospital to delicate a setting), we met her soon after at her first supervised visitation with ds within a week of him leaving the hospital. Over many months of supervised visits, I enjoyed getting to know ds' first parents and their families (ds' birthgrandparents, aunts and uncles, etc.). And I really began to care deeply about his first mother, despite everything.<br><br>
When ds was around a year old, his first parents reluctantly voluntarily relinquished their rights, as ds' mom was pregnant again and fighting for two kids would have been pretty much impossible due to their limitations. Later ds' first mother had an abortion (fairly late in the pregnancy), but that is a different story. It was a painful and difficult thing for them, and I watched with a heart full of sadness and compassion even as I was glad we were going to be able to keep ds safe. We volunteered to sign an open adoption agreement with them at that time, but it was really only a semi-open arrangement we were agreeing to per the state's recommendations about our particular situation. We agreed to send them a picture and a letter each year, and they agreed to keep in contact about their whereabouts.<br><br>
In actuality, our commitment to them has always been much bigger. We have visited with them frequently, at parks and children's museums and libraries and all kinds of places. We moved cross-country unexpectedly when ds was a couple years old, due to health issues with dw's parents and two great job offers I received. It was hard to say goodbye, but we did commit to regular emails, phone calls, and visits whenever we could make them.<br><br>
We know that it is best for ds to have the opportunity for this type of relationship with them, and while over the years we've had a few tricky things to deal with (needing to put limits down, for example, when ds' birthfather put pictures of ds up on his My Space page that also contained tons of really inappropriate content...a place where he was "friends" with folks involved in seriously questionable activities...limits we were in the end able to successfully communicate), I can't imagine feeling right about doing anything less than having this relationship with them. That wouldn't have been right for anyone, most especially not for ds or for his first parents.<br><br>
Sure we've had to talk all together about terms that we're comfortable using, and so forth, but it has never been a question who was ds' parents. We were, are, and always will be. And the truth is the balance of power is always weighted more heavily on the side of adoptive parents than anyone else in the adoption triad (except prior to relinquishment, though even then sometimes there can be a power dynamic). The least I think I can do is use my power compassionately.<br><br>
As for dd, hers was also a foster-adoption (she came to us at 6 months from another foster home but had spent some time in her first mom's care), but in this case, the state did not feel it was safe to have any level of openess, and dd's birthmother gave up any chance of convincing them otherwise through some things that happened during the process despite my pleading that she help me make the case for openess. We have some information but no contact with dd's first family. dd is getting old enough to talk about her adoption, and I can see such a difference in the access she has to different ways of processing her feelings from the access ds has to different ways of processing his feelings. ds can, just as one example, go to his photo album and see pictures of him and his birthfather together. dd doesn't have that. Her options are limited, and it is so sad.<br><br>
There was a whole era where closed adoptions were the norm, and as far as I can tell, this left a trail of many hurting people. It's not to say that a closed adoption can never be good. I have a friend whose adoption was closed, and he genuinely doesn't have an interest in anything else. But for the majority, I suspect, closed adoption protects only adoptive parents and harms more than it helps anybody else.<br><br>
If there is one thing I have learned as a mom, it is that life is not about me. Kids are going to feel many things about their adoptions, and we don't stop that by closing off the adoption. If my child is going to grow up feeling like I am not her "real mother," it certainly won't make a difference that she has not seen her birthmother in years. She'll long for her anyway.<br><br>
To adopt, we have to be comfortable with this...with worst case scenarios and the fact that other than doing our best as loving parents, we can't control most anything. But it's not about us and our feelings. This is about kids, and we have to be adults about it and put their interests firsts. Assuming birthparents are willing, I think open adoption is generally best for kids.
