[mountainfairie]

Hi mamas. I'm very new to this board so please bare with me and my computer lingo. Here's my situation. My 3 year old son is very introverted. He is very confident, loving, and self assured with people whom he's familiar with but becomes quiet and shy in unfamilar places. We have alot of adult neighbors whom we socialize with but very few children. I'm trying harder to make a point of going on more one on one playdates with other moms and kids but we're lucky if we can find the time to do this even once a week. It averages more 2x a month. We will be starting a clay class at the park next week. I know this is not deschooling but DS was interested in it and I thought it would be a good way to meet other children in our area. Plus he's very interested in the aspect of firing his own work which we wouldn't have access to at home. We plan on doing unschooling but I am currently concerend about whether he should be socilaizing more with kids his own age. Everyone I know now has their kids in preschool which is also making it hard to find any kids whom we can get together with. My son seems totally happy to socialize with the adults in the neighborhood and they all love him but does he need to also socialze with kids his own age if he isn't showing a big desire to do so?

There's a co-op down the street that I thought about trying out 2 days a week but there's something inside me that feels really uncomfortable about leaving him there. I'm starting to feel as if everyone around me is looking at me as if he's introverted because I'm not doing preschool but I know he's always been like this. He's a very happy kid, just not really into large groups of people. I can't help but wonder if being in a preschool atmosphere would help him become more comfrotable around groups of kids, honestly my gut is saying no.

I defintely don't want to pressure him into feeling he needs to be anything he's not but I also would like to help him become more comfortable around new people and situations if that's possible. Our counselor says to just support who he is and he'll "come out" in his own time and I'm all for that but I'm wondering if I were to encourage more situations wihth other chidren such as in a preschool atmosphere while I stayed there till he was ready for me to leave if that would help. I am also wondering if he is getting enough stimulation at home.

DS son spends alot of time with me doing the typical household chores, gardening, cooking, shopping, cleaning house, and caring for the animals. But then I hear all the moms I know talking about how much their kids love preschool and how they come home with paint all over them and all the fun things they did and then I feel like what the heck am I doing for him other than dragging him around while we get everything done that needs to be done.

Don't get me wrong, when there's time we paint, read, hike, go to the park, dance and he has alot of freedom to do what he wants around the house but is it enough? Sorry to be so long winded, I really want to follow my instincst. I'm just feeling really insecure, unsupported, and alone in my yearning to deschool.

 

[Britishmum]

I hear you, mama!

My dd is just three, and all our mainstream friends are now in preschool. (Luckily we have some AP friends who aren't so we aren't quite so isolated). However, fixing playdates can be difficult - for example, we have nothing organised for the rest of this week and I knwo there's no point calling any of my mainstream friends as they're all fully booked between preschool and other organised classes.

Dd is also shy and quiet in larger groups. I know that preschool would not be right for her at this stage, adn trust my instincts. I think you need to do the same. I get stupid comments, like "If you sent her to preschool, maybe she'd learn to talk. " I smile inwardly, as she was talking in sentences by 15 months and is waaaaay ahead developmentally than all these kids in full time preschool. But she doesnt choose to talk in larger groups. I respect that this is her choice, and know that nothing on this planet could 'make' her be outgoing. It would be downright cruel and set her back developmentally, not help her.

I spoke with a friend this week who just took her ds out of preschool, and we are going to try to get together more regularly and do some sort of more organised activity when we do - just to try to inspire one another and get new ideas. Do you have someone who'd be happy to pair up once a week? We do a weekly session with three other children, and dd has come on leaps and bounds with confidence through a regular small group. Four is the most she could handle.

To be honest, throwing three year olds into large groups is forcing them to act in a social group that is not appropriate for many three year olds. Sure, they learn the ropes - what choice do they have? But it's not necessarily developmentally appropriate.

Regarding unschooling, my understanding is that unschoolers would still take a class with thier child if the child expressed an interest. It's about following the child's lead, not setting your own agenda, the way I understand it. Maybe others here will set me straight if I've got it wrong though.

It sounds like you'er doing fine, but just need to have more confidence in your decisions, and maybe find a regular friend to have a playdate. Good luck, it can be hard swimming against the tide.

 

[Oklahoma Mama]

I have many memories of being "pressured" into being more like other kids. I was a very shy child and didn't go to school with other kids until 1st grade (homeschooled in KG). I would have loved to have been accepted for the person I was. Some people were quite insensitive. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with being shy. In some cultures it is valued. My ds shows some signs of being shy and I just tell him "you just be who God made you to be." In western culture shyness is looked at as a problem. I would just let him grow and develop relationships at his own pace and in his own way. I wouldn't pressure him at all to "fit in" with how other preschoolers are. It is not like he will grow up without friends. He will probably just have fewer and deeper relationships. Follow his interests. Maybe he would want to be with a larger group doing a specific activity, maybe not. I wouldn't worry about shyness at all.

 

[Oklahoma Mama]

I have many memories of being "pressured" into being more like other kids. I was a very shy child and didn't go to school with other kids until 1st grade (homeschooled in KG). I would have loved to have been accepted for the person I was. Some people were quite insensitive. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with being shy. In some cultures it is valued. My ds shows some signs of being shy and I just tell him "you just be who God made you to be." In western culture shyness is looked at as a problem. I would just let him grow and develop relationships at his own pace and in his own way. I wouldn't pressure him at all to "fit in" with how other preschoolers are. It is not like he will grow up without friends. He will probably just have fewer and deeper relationships. Follow his interests. Maybe he would want to be with a larger group doing a specific activity, maybe not. I wouldn't worry about shyness at all.

 

[almama]

I wasn't going to ps, but my son is the opp -totallt extroverted and loves group play. We are just starting at a parent participation ps and will see how it goes. It is mainly play and socialization and you are there to watch and learn from your child. We'll see how it goes!

 

[mountainfairie]

Thanks so much mamas for the very insightful and supportive replies! Oklahoma Mama I totally agree that there is nothing wrong with being an introvert and it is so frustrating that our culture sees extroversion as somehow better than introvetsion. I absolutely want to make my son feel supported for who he is. I know deep down preschool is not right for him and would probably only make him feel more different and pressured into being something he's not. I too am introverted and get along just fine. I have no desire to try to change or fit in
"I smile inwardly, as she was talking in sentences by 15 months and is waaaaay ahead developmentally than all these kids in full time preschool. But she doesnt choose to talk in larger groups. I respect that this is her choice, and know that nothing on this planet could 'make' her be outgoing" Thank you Brittishum for helping to remind me that he is who he is and doing soemthing that goes against his very nature would only jeapordize the beautiful person that he is.
"To be honest, throwing three year olds into large groups is forcing them to act in a social group that is not appropriate for many three year olds. Sure, they learn the ropes - what choice do they have? But it's not necessarily developmentally appropriate" Thank you also for reminding me that just because alot of people are doing it, deosn't mean it's right for eveyone. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of these things when everyone else around me is going in the opposite direction. I can't tell you how much your support has helped to give me strength to mother the way I know my son needs me to. This board is awesome!

 

[mamanonymous]

mountainfairie, I am so glad you are feeling more secure in your choices. By all means follow your heart. You know your child and seem to realize that they would not thrive in the preschool environment. My oldest is almost 6 and considered shy, very different from me because I love to talk to people and be social. Once she is comfortable she will talk your ear off, but she doesn't talk with people she doesn't know and is intimidated by large groups of kids. Of course she can be just as loud and noisy as them (and often is) but just has to feel comfortable. I felt a lot of pressure when all our friends started preschool and tehn kindegarten. Some relatives and friends implied she wouldn't be so shy if she were in school. I questioned one friend who had been a shy child and is an introverted adult what exactly it was that school did for her to change her shyness. She thought and thought and I could see became annoyed. NOt with me, but with the fact that those institutions hadn't helped her, they just made her nervous and stressed for years. They chewed her up and spit her out. Forcing her to do oral presentations in front of the class, or be in the school recital didn't some how make her not shy and comfortable with it. It made her stressed and she hated it. I think about it and know we are doing the right thing for us by not following the norm, but following our hearts.

 

[tarasam]

I hear you. We have an almost-4-year-old who, while not a hermit, is definitely more on the introverted side of the spectrum. He doesn't like crowds of people, even crowds of kids at a playground. I think he's like me...instead of a big party, he prefers a smaller gathering of people so he/I can better connect with individuals.

We do have a lot of outings, but a lot of them are just the two of us. He does spend time playing with other kids about twice a week, and enoys it...but it's not a horde of kids. Maybe 3-5 other children.

I see nothing wrong with him spending more time socializing with non-peers. Our son probably spends more time talking to neighbors, relatives, and the mailman than he does chatting with kids his own age.

Follow your heart! Not every child is alike.

Tara

 

[N2theWoods]

I also wanted to chime in as a kid who was pushed into large groups too early. Really, what I think ends up happening is that the kid that isn't ready ends up either getting picked on or labelled "shy" - both of which your little one just doesn't need in his life now. I wouldn't be so quick to label him "introverted" or "extroverted" at this stage, either. Things change quickly and he has the 'right' to be one thing one month (or week or year or day,) and another thing the next without having to switch labels in the mind of adults

I think you're right to give him opportunities for interaction, and to trust your instincts and follow his lead. Brava mama!

 

[Britishmum]

Glad to have been of help! Dh started asking last night when dd 'might' be ready for preschool. We both know that we are right not sending her now, but it is hard being the only ones. Once I gave him a run-down of what dd had done during the day with me, and what she had learned, we were both firmly convinced again that we are doing the right thing keeping her home.

Amongst the things she learned yesterday, was how to write the first two letters of her name in chalk on the patio outside. She just turned three last week, so this was no small accomplishment, and it was the result of sheer determination and motivation on her part, and time on mine. I bet nobody would have spent hours guiding her hand helping her learn how to form the letters if she'd been in a preschool.

 

[moominmamma]

Hi there, I'm the mom of an intensely introverted child (now 9) whom I did send to preschool, back when I wasn't thinking of homeschooling and believe what "they" said about bringing her out of her shell and getting her to learn the coping skills she'd need for the classroom. She went to preschool on and off from about age 3.5 to 4.5.

I can't say it harmed her irreparably, though she did show some signs of stress. Mostly it made me realize... she is who she is, she can cope if she has to, and being there wasn't teaching her to be someone she wasn't, it was just causing her to become emotionally exhausted by always having to work to cope with an environment that she was ill-suited to.

At age 9, it's now less exhausting for her to cope with a classroom environment, but she still prefers short stints (under 2 hours) with smaller groups (under 12 or so).

Miranda

(who entered school herself an introvert at age 5 and emerged 12 years later, still an introvert, and who believes "school is for extroverts")

 

[cottonwood]

When I was little I was very social and very confident, and desperately wanted to go to preschool. I loved it at first, but as my schooling continued (and with it the pressures to conform) I became increasingly shy and less self-confident. My brother started out opposite -- he was not ready to leave my mother, and doing so did not make him more sociable. It was in fact traumatic for him.

This is a huge part of why I am now homeschooling my children. IMO, school does not, for the most part, foster positive social habits and confidence, it discourages them.