[blessed]

A few nights ago dh was talking about how some of the parents of Chinese adoptees were describing marks on their childrens bodies where the babies had been bound with ropes. Dd overheard and became suddenly quiet - very unusual for her. I talked to her a little bit about it later. I assured her that although some kids in orphanages can be mistreated, just like children in homes with their families can sometimes be mistreated, that she was not ever bound with ropes and that we believed that her nanny took very good care of her.

She seemed comforted, but I have a little bit of misgiving about trying to just soothe away or discount her fears about this, however. Although I don't have reason to think dd was ever bound with rope, I do know that the nannies would use tightly wrapped bedding to pin the babies in bed, sort of like swaddling into the crib. They did it because there were no rails on the cribs and they were trying to care for and protect six children at the same time, ranging from newborn to more than one year old. There was no surface for the children to play on - the room had bare concrete floors and no heat - so keeping them strapped down most of the day and only taking them out for a few minutes at a time to be fed and changed seemed to be the pattern.

When we received dd, she had pulled out most of her own hair and had scratched her scalp and face bloody - behaviors she engaged in while strapped into bed. She would self stimulate with rhythmic sounds and by putting things into her eyeball, and she'll regress to this behavior yet today if stressed enough.

Lots of the older kids seemed to be broken in spirit - lethargic and uninterested in anything. Dd was a spitfire, however. She was the favorite of the nannies because of her engaging personality and clever antics. She's so bright and her mind is so active - it was her only way of surviving in such a deprived environment.

So now, last night we're watching the evening news (bad idea with a 3 yo in the room, I suppose). On come images of starving, horribly abused children, and the newscaster telling a story smattered with words very familiar to dd's vocabulary: orphanage, orphans, nannies...

http://cbs5.com/topstories/topstorie...169185222.html

Her head snapped up and she watched wide eyed and open mouthed. I was in tears by the time I made it over to change the channel, which I'm sure didn't help matters. Dd came over, snuggled into my lap and asked what was wrong, mama? I just said that some bad people had hurt some children in an orphanage, and that it made me very sad for the children, but that they were safe now.

So she's fine, but I guess I'm not. I just need to process a little bit. Thanks for listening.

 

[elmh23]

That has to be hard!

 

[fek&fuzz]

Your poor lamb. And those poor babies. And those poor young soldiers who found them. Terrible terrible all around.

 

[queencarr]

When I saw the reports, it made me feel ill. Those poor children. And your poor dd and you too, mama. I think there is some comfort in the fact that your dd's nannies were doing the best they could with what they had, but how sad. does your dd have the language to talk to you about her experiences yet? I am trying to remember how old she is. I know that ds1 (bio) was able to tell me about his birth and NICU experience from his perspective, and it was very healing for him, although it was not nearly as a traumatic experience as your dd. IIR, he was about 2-3 at the time. DS2 has been able to talk to me recently when I ask questions about his life in Korea, tha seem to match what I know of his experiences, and it has involved a lot of good bonding and intimacy. Those UAV "running" the place over there, eating while starving those children makes me want to harm someone. I am really sorry you had to see that and think of your daughter.

 

[Diane B]

Hugs. Your daughter may indeed remember quite a bit - I'm amazed at things my daughter has come out with that mesh with information we have but have never shared.

I am VERY careful about letting my daughter watch TV, movies, etc. but it's hard to avoid, especially out in public (why are there TV's everywhere???) I'm glad she trusts you enough to accept your love and support.

I feel that several sessions of cranio-sacral therapy were very helpful for my daughter to process some of her grief and loss and pain she carried in her body. I would highly recommend it if you feel your daughter could use some gentle help releasing past trauma. Be sure to find a therapist who is certified to work with children.

 

[CaraNicole]

 

[blessed]

To this day dd will not tolerate having blankets on her in bed, no matter how cold she is. She'll get on her knees in a tuck position, with goosebumps over her body, involuntarily moaning from being so cold. But if you pull the blankets over her, she wakens and violently kicks off the blankets, saying 'No! No! No!"

Before we coslept I used to put her in full, warm pajamas every night and get up several times throughout the night to try to cover her when her moaning woke me. Now she just sleeps snuggled against my side all night

: , and she will tolerate having a pillow laying on top of her, so I use that on colder nights.

 

[lilylidou]

Hope they will have a happy family

 

[BCFD]

How horrible. I'm so sorry.

I just wanted to make a comment about the covers on the bed. My DD came to us at 5 1/2 weeks from what we believe was a wonderful foster home, however, when we try to put blankets on her she freaks out, kicks them off, screams, and tells us "NO BLANKETS!" I know there are nights that she is freezing, but she is usually snuggled right into me, as well. After she is asleep I cover her up, but at some point in the night she realizes she's covered and kicks them off again. I think that is probably more of a toddler thing than anything. My friend's 2.5 year old bio child does the same thing.

 

[excitedtobeamom]

Both my children (bio) hate having covers on them as well. They will instantly kick them off. It must be a common kid thing to do. I always thought is was because we live in the hot desert!

 

[queencarr]

blessed, I think I know the panic level of intolerance that you mean, apart from regular kids not liking blankets stuff. When I was 2 or 3 I underwent a painful medical procedure that had to be done a certain way, and I had to be restrained per policy because of my age. I still remember it vividly. To this day, feelings of constriction cause a sheer instinctive panic in me, especially if my arms are bound. Even tickling or playing around with DH or the kids can cause me to panic at times. When ds1 was born by cs, my arms were lightly restrained. It was so light that I didn't even notice it until after he was born and they were sewing me up, until my O2 slipped a bit and I reached to adjust it more comfortably, and then all terror set in. It was so bad that they undid my arms against policy. Special hugs to your daughter and you having to experience that sensation.

 

[Diane B]

I just wanted to chime in again after some of the "my kids are not adopted and they do this too" posts to say "trust you instincts." For example, my daughter just went through this long period where she was pretending to be a baby several times a day. Yes, this is very common in three year olds. Yes, lots of kids do this. And most of the time, it seemed like any other three year old play. Some of the time, it did seem to us to contain deeper feelings and issues for her, and she verbally connected it to adoption ("I'm in Guatemala! I need a mommy to come and get me!" - just in case we weren't getting the point...) Because we assume that our daughter is likely to be somewhat vulnerable in this area, we tried to be extra patient and responsive to this type of play. And if we were wrong and it wasn't adoption-related, no harm done.

I think it is really hard as adoptive moms to sort this out for each situation.