Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 36 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,433 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hey there - increasingly I cannot stop thinking about how terrified I am of having a girl. I've tried really hard not to use the words "I don't want a girl" but now the fear is consuming me and I have to admit to someone that I really do feel this strongly. I have always felt this way for a whole bunch of reasons. To keep it short, generally I've observed that mother-son relationships are a lot easier and more unconditional than mother-daughter relationships and I just don't feel confident that I could parent a girl. With DS, I was able to push these thoughts aside during pregnancy though I felt huge relief when he was born and I saw that he was a boy. I didn't admit this to anyone till I finally had a total breakdown and told DH last night. I am seriously considering finding out the sex of this baby at our ultrasound next Friday, though we hadn't planned to.<br><br>
Do you think it would help me to get through this if I find out the sex next week, or is that taking the easy road by allowing me to avoid working through my feelings if it turns out to be a boy? If it turns out to be a girl, would having the time to accept it and prepare mentally be a good thing or will it just tie me in knots even worse? I really don't want to feel either relief or fear on my baby's birthday, I just want to be elated for having another beautiful child no matter what sex they are.<br><br>
I'd really appreciate some BTDT stories or hearing from others who might have a strong preference for one sex or the other.<br><br>
****<br><br>
ETA update - We've decided to find out. There I've said it. I've been waffling all week and trying to figure out what the right thing to do is. I never thought I'd ever find out the sex of a baby in advance. It just doesn't seem like me so this is a huge decision. It's feeling bigger than it should - I'm sure you're all rolling your eyes wondering what the big deal is!! I hope I don't regret it. I'll know by 2:30 pm tomorrow (Friday) and I'm so curious to see how it feels to know the sex of my baby.<br><br>
****
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
680 Posts
Personally, I think you should find out. When I was pregnant the first time, I wanted a daughter soooo badly. I thought it would be fine having a son one day, but I KNEW FOR SURE that I wanted to have a daughter, and I really wanted my first to be a girl so I wouldn't stress about it in the future. I just DID NOT want to be one of those moms with a house full of boys and no girls. Of course, all these are uncomfortable thoughts, because there's about a 50/50 chance of having either one in there, and it it doesn't feel good even for a minute to think about that little baby being unwanted or unappreciated in some way. I planned on finding out the sex, but even the wait to 20 weeks was killing me. SO, leading up to the ultrasound, I CONVINCED myself that I was having a boy. I tried to think about all the wonderful things about having a boy, and really embrace the idea. I just so didn't want to be disappointed and ungrateful in the moment I found out I was having a boy (IF it was a boy).<br><br>
Well, our first was a girl, and I was relieved and happy to find out, but a touch sad, too, because I had really managed to warm up to the idea of a boy. I think spending time getting used to the idea was really effective, and I know that if she HAD been a boy, I'd have spent the NEXT 20 weeks getting even more geared up for it. I think you CAN come around on this, and you'll do yourself and your partner and your baby a favor if you find out ahead of time and have the opportunity to prepare yourself mentally either way, instead of continuing to make yourself crazy until October.<br><br>
p.s. It looks like THIS baby is a boy for us (we had an early scan that wasn't totally conclusive, but the confirmation official scan will be next week), and I'm thrilled! A little scared, but excited, too. After all, I already have my girl, and I think I am ready to take the plunge into the world of boys now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,621 Posts
I was just about to come on here and make this exact same post.. we scheduled our 20 week u/s today (it is on June 9th) and I am TERRIFIED of having another boy. Don't get me wrong, I adore my 2 boys but my heart is aching for a little girl too. I know, for me, that I need to find out the sex ahead of time because I need time to adjust and be ok with it if it is another boy. I know I will love the baby regardless but I just want a girl so badly... I don't know, I feel awful saying I don't want another boy because I want this BABY and it is already loved but seriously? If I am being honest with myself... I WANT a girl, not a boy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,583 Posts
I'd find out ahead of time. Better to be disappointed now and have time to get over it than experience that disappointment at birth when baby is in your arms b/c then on top of disappointment you'll have guilt. I know you already have guilt, but just think how clouded that experience would be with that layer of disappointment and guilt right after birth.<br><br>
I would prefer to deal with it now and not at birth personally.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,885 Posts
I was absolutely terrified of having a boy my last pregnancy. I have all girls, and honestly, boys usually annoy me and gross me out. I was really anxious about it, but planned on finding out. Then I miscarried at 16 weeks and it was a boy, and the guilt was totally overwhelming. I'd say find out, because it's better to deal with it asap than later, especially if you're already that upset about the prospect of having a girl. If it was just a preference, I'd say go ahead and wait, but if it's something that's upsetting you, I don't see any reason to wait to find out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,527 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>JessieBird</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15406626"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Do you think it would help me to get through this if I find out the sex next week, or is that taking the easy road by allowing me to avoid working through my feelings if it turns out to be a boy?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I think that finding out the sex would be taking the easy road.<br>
My advice would be to work through your feelings <b>before</b> you find out the sex. Whether that's with a scan or at a birth.<br><br>
I think it would benefit you to find out what terrifies you so immensely about having a girl. I can understand having a preference, I would love a boy, but I wouldn't be disappointed with having a girl. I think there is some deeper stuff that need to be investigated.<br><br>
Much love <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
786 Posts
I have a girl. I would prefer to have another girl. Most people I encounter (other than my husband) assume that I should *want* a boy because I "already have a girl." They usually get really put out when I inform them that I have a distinct preference.<br><br>
It wouldn't be the end of the world if this baby were a boy and I'll get over it if it is. I'm not afraid of having a boy... I just think that they're kind of gross and overall more trouble than a girl.<br><br>
I'm definitely finding out the sex next week if at all possible.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
514 Posts
I'm a little scared of having a girl, but it's for reasons I'm pretty well aware of. I'm not finding out what we're having until birth. I have daydreams about girls and boys. And nightmares about each. lol<br><br>
I don't know whether I'd call finding out the "easy" way, but you might want to work out what is so consumingly frightening about having a girl. You might find that it frees you up as a mother to boys, even, depending on what the basis of your fear is.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
78 Posts
I wanted a boy so much with my first I can't even describe how much. I achEd for a boy. They told me girl. I had to rebond with my unborn child who I was convinceD for 20 weeks must a boy.<br><br>
But guess what, I love my little girl mrs than life itself. I couldn't imagine having had any child but her. She is so perfect and amazing and everyday I think myself the most blessed person in the universe because she is in my life.<br><br>
The truth is I think babies are very gender non specific at birth. Sure, one has a vulva nd the other a penis, but they all sleep, poop and play the same. As the child grows you love the person they are and that they become, not their sex.<br><br>
I know it's hard but try to just relax and enjoy your child for a childs sake not for the things you expect fromthat child (cos by wanting a certain sex because you think your relationship wth them will be better, that's exactly what you are doing).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
173 Posts
DDCC but your post caught my eye...<br><br>
I have three boys. I know that if I have a girl it it going to be an emotionally difficult journey for me. I had a terrible relationship with my own mother growing up, and have just now in my 30's been able to make and keep friends because I literally did not know how to be close to females.<br><br>
I'm also very AP in how I raise my children, which is (obviously) completely different from how I was raised. If I have a girl I know I will project a lot of my insecurities onto her if I'm not careful. When my oldest son turned 5, I had a really difficult time because that was the age I was when my parents got divorced and my life changed terribly. The overwhelming "how could they have done that to me" feeling was awful, because I realized just how young and innocent I was when all that happened.<br><br>
So, for me having a girl will be a huge emotional journey. BUT I think going through it would be a huge gift and probably one of the coolest gifts life can give. Don't be afraid of the challenge <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
803 Posts
It's very important for you and your baby to find out what exactly is so terrifying about having the other gender? I'd ask myself if there are past issues, family isssues, dreams, what? and work through them until you are comfortable with your feelings again. Nothing wrong with 'wanting' or 'wishing' for a certain gender I think you'd be doing both of you a huge favor to work it through before the big day <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> You are a very blessed and wonderful mama and only feel these things because you love your child so much already. Just work it out, write it down, talk it out, what ever works for you.<br>
THEN pass off whatever you don't understand to these CRAZY PREGGO HORMONES!!! they are deffinitely as predictable as where you're pantless 2 year old son is going to take a dump! Wait that's my son! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
Hugs mama, we're all in this together <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
P.S. I'm a mama of three boys and one girl, they are each special in their own way to me no matter what gender. (my 5 year old son is more sensitive than my 7 year old daughter go figure!!) <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,433 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
Thanks so much everyone for your thoughtful and honest responses. I felt immensely better as soon as I posted, and reading your replies has helped me a lot. Deep down inside I know that it would be very good for me to work through this fear before finding out what sex this child is. If my unborn baby can sense any of what I am going through, I want she/he to know that I am brave enough to do this emotional work for them. It's painful for me to think about all the reasons behind my fear but its better than the guilt that comes with having a preference for one sex over another.<br><br>
DH, DS and I are in Montreal visiting my mom this weekend and the timing is perfect because of course all of this stems from my own relationship with my mother, which is so beautiful and so ugly all at once, and with the things she has told me about how hard it was to be a parent to me (her only girl, and her first-born) compared to my three brothers. It would take a novel to explain it all, as I'm sure you can understand! This weekend I'm thinking a lot about how much I love my mom and how much I like her too, and that these feelings are much more important than the myriad of little annoyances that we allow to come between us.<br><br>
Next I'm going to have to figure out how to have confidence that I can be a positive presence in a daughter's life and how to shed the baggage that all the women in my family carry around on full display.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,705 Posts
I feel like this one is "supposed" to be a boy - I've felt since well before the pregnancy that there was a boy waiting, and that DD would be my only girl. A girl would be easier - two of the kids will probably need to share a room eventually, and DD and the new one will be closer in age. Also makes hand-me-downs easier, and more of what we've saved is girly.<br><br>
But it would feel... not necessarily bad, but disconcerting at least, to have a girl.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,899 Posts
So many of our fears are based on our own family of origin. I've had a lot of experience with boys, living in a house with two brothers and my father. Out of all my first cousins near my age, only one was a girl. I always wanted a sister and never had one. So, I decided to get a Little Sister through Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Well, they found out I was married and asked if my dh and I would like to be Big Siblings together... to a boy (I guess they're short male volunteers). I thought dh needed some experience around kids before we had our own... so, we ended up with two Little Brothers together.<br><br>
When I was pg with my first, I was sure I wanted at least one daughter. I didn't mind having boys, but I DID want that girl. But I thought I would be okay not having boys.<br><br>
My first was a boy. I was just thrilled with becoming a mom. When I got pregnant with my second, I tried to be neutral, but I really thought having a girl next would be ideal. My biggest fear was that having two boys close in age would make for non-stop fighting like I remember from my brothers. Ds2 was born with a very fast, intense birth that left me a bit shell shocked. And, I did feel that slight twinge of disappointment that he wasn't a girl, even though I don't like to admit it. I felt instant bonding with ds1, but with ds2, it took a bit longer. I don't know if that was all because I was in a bit of shock from the birth, or if his gender had anything to do with it.<br><br>
Now, we are so close, I can't imagine not having my little Bean be exactly the way he is.<br><br>
With #3, I actually had a dream of giving birth to a baby girl. She came out, and I knew the name we'd picked wasn't right.. this baby was Sunshine! Then dh asked me what I thought of the name Kira... I looked it up, and it means "sun" in Persian. I thought it was a sign. I spent a lot of time pouring over middle names meaning "light," and we settled on Kira Eileen.<br><br>
Yet, I would get really annoyed and territorial when anyone suggested we were "trying for a girl." I felt protective of my baby, and didn't want anyone to think the only reason we were having another child was to get that magical girl. I was seriously irritated when my MIL wanted me to get an u/s to find out gender so she could plan a baby shower... because apparently a girl deserved another shower, but a boy did not (not that I wanted a shower at all... but gender shouldn't make a difference!).<br><br>
Then I went into labor early (my first two were nearly 42 weeks), and I really thought I was having a girl (although I hadn't been sure up to that point, despite the dream). I didn't even look at gender for the first 5 minutes or so, but just enjoyed my baby. But then I was surprised to see a penis!<br><br>
Now I am pg with #4. I have very mixed feelings. I love having a boy family. My three boys get along so great, and are so affectionate and loving with one another. Yes, they do argue over toys, etc. on occasion... but I do not really find them fitting into my preconceived notions of what an "all boy" family would be like. But I read the Mothering magazine article about having a red party at the start of a girl's menstruation, and I found myself tearing up at the thought of never sharing those kinds of things with a daughter. I mean, I can share most everything with my boys, but just not female fertility, body issues, childbirth, menopause, etc.<br><br>
So, I don't know what I would prefer this time. I wonder how a girl would would fair in a family with 3 older brothers... do I really want to deal with a spoiled princess of a baby girl? But then I realize I'm stereotyping again, and it probably wouldn't turn out that way. I do get a lot more of the "trying for a girl" comments, which are still annoying, but I don't feel quite as angry about them this time around. I guess I know it will all turn out well, despite my various fears and anxieties.<br><br>
But just know you're not alone with conflicting thoughts about gender!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
309 Posts
I think it's totally okay to prefer one sex over the other but in the end we get what we get. I have a ds and would really really love a dd. Mostly because we know this is the last one and it would be great to have one of each. Whether you find out now or later, you still have time to work through your feelings and fears. It's great that you are aware of your feelings now before the kid is an adolescent slamming doors. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
148 Posts
I really wanted a boy the first time around. I couldn't imagine how I was going to deal with or raise a girl. I didn't have a mom growing up, so the mother/daughter thing was totally foreign to me and I couldn't imagine it. My husband wanted a boy too, because he wanted a boy and then a girl, in that order. It sounds insane I know, but he had his reasoning.<br><br>
We found out it was a girl on the ultrasound, and we were disappointed for a day or two. I kept having slight sadness pangs for mayb a week afterwards. But finally, I came around to the idea, and by the time she was born it was the most fantastic thing ever, for both of us. All our disappointment was gone. I recommend finding out the sex before just for this reason: so that if you're going to be disappointed, at least you're not disappointed in the delivery room.<br><br>
Now we want a boy again, to round out our family. We find out on Friday. If it's another girl, my husband will bemore disappointed than I'll be, but I know he'll work through it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,433 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
Thank you for all of your replies. I can't tell you how much it helped to sort through my feelings from different angles.<br><br>
So we've decided to find out. There I've said it. I've been waffling all week and trying to figure out what the right thing to do is. I never thought I'd ever find out the sex of a baby in advance. It just doesn't seem like me so this is a huge decision. It's feeling bigger than it should - I'm sure you're all rolling your eyes wondering what the big deal is!! I hope I don't regret it. I'll know by 2:30 pm tomorrow (Friday) and I'm so curious to see how it feels to know the sex of my baby.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,885 Posts
Good luck at your u/s! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,527 Posts
All the best. I look forward to your update!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
606 Posts
re: you're update, i think it can only be a good thing in your situation to find out. you'll be able to move thru your feelings and then truly focus on the pregnancy and baby w/o being preoccupied w/ gender. i think once you get past that, you'll see a baby, and not parts. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> (at least, that's been my experience.)
 
1 - 20 of 36 Posts
Top