Mothering Forum banner

1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,051 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Here's an example of something that happens at least once most days. Last night ds1(6) was in his room playing. I had the bath ready and ds2(2) was already in. I said to ds1 numerous times, "time to get undressed and hop into the bath." Usually after a couple times I go right up to him and make eye contact and tell him, then I ask if he heard me and I ask him to repeat me so I know he heard me. This works sometimes, but other times he'll go right back to playing. After one or two more times of telling him dh will yell from downstairs or sometimes he'll stomp up the stairs and yell, "T.. GET IN THE BATH - NOW! Your mother shouldn't have to tell you a hundred times." Ds1 gets upset but gets in the bath.<br><br>
This happens when ds1 doesn't do thing when I tell him over and over. Dh yelling firmly and authoritatively (which is a technique I don't particularly like, but we've discussed this and dh feels he needs to be like that) that ds1 should listen "to your mother".<br><br>
So, iyo does this help ds1 'listen' to me? Or does it just reinforce his sense that I have no authority?<br><br>
Thanks!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,323 Posts
I think it really depends on the situation and how it is done. It could go either way, "I don't have to listen to mommy until daddy snaps" or "If I don't listen to mommy I'm going to get in trouble by both of them so I may as well listen".<br><br>
I almost always appreciate my dh backing me up. Since I do most of the mandatory "stuff" (baths, toothbrushing, room cleaning enforcement) it's nice if someone is being difficult to have a back up.<br><br>
When my bil was little my mil was famous for saying "Steve, he won't listen to me!!" Well, the child is 16 and still doesn't listen to her. So I think if your dh is backing you up and makes it clear that child needs to listen to his mother it's not undermining your authority.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,839 Posts
If it's happening more than every third time, then he is reinforcing the fact that your child does not have to listen to you.<br><br>
What if he were to back you up after you made your request of DS only once or twice? With every additional request you make, your authority is lessened. YOur DS has learned that he can wait that much longer before complying with your request.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,595 Posts
This is something I struggle with too. I have to tell my 5 year old to do something many times before he actually does it. I know that he knows how long he can put it off before he actually does it. But I don't know how to change it.<br><br>
My dh does the exact thing. I keep telling him that just encourages our son to not listen to me. But ds always jumps when dh tells him something so maybe I'm wrong.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,999 Posts
I think that you maybe need to use the techniques in the book "How to Speak so Your Child Will Listen." Your DH is using one (over board though), of not using so many words.<br><br>
I know it rubs some people the wrong way. "Bath." "Lunch." "Eat." Instead of, "It is bath time. You need to get in the bath." etc. Sometimes less is more.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,611 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lilgreen</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9923746"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">So, iyo does this help ds1 'listen' to me? Or does it just reinforce his sense that I have no authority?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I think if it were helping him listen to you, you'd be seeing fewer and fewer times when he DIDN'T listen to you, and your DH felt he had to step in. But it doesn't sound like things are improving, so I'd say it's just reinforcing his idea that he doesn't have to listen to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,896 Posts
I don't think it helps or hurts. its you repeating and repeating without any follow through which is sending your son the signal that he doesn't have to do what you are asking.<br><br>
He does know that when dad says something he means it though. Perhaps you should have your husband take over after ds ignores you just once as well as have him reinforce that he needs to listen to you the first time also. like when you guys are not in the middle of things.<br><br>
While I wouldn't say your husband stepping in is hurting things I don't think it is helping either.<br><br>
what would your son do if your husband approached him basically the same way, with the same authority and said "what did your mother ask you to do? why are you not doing it?"
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,713 Posts
A little perspective from the other side...<br><br>
DS1 does this with his dad. Drives me completely bonkers. The idea of getting to doze an extra 20 min while dh gets ds1 ready for school sounds like heaven, but in reality I'm laying there chewing my tongue to bits listening to dh tell ds over and over and over to eat, then to get ready, then to get his outdoor gear on...omg it's so frustrating.<br><br>
The difference between my approach with ds1 is that when I say "C, it's time to eat" or "it's time to get ready" ds1 understands that if he does not comply I'm not going to tell him 7 or 8 more times before he has to deal with a consequence, he gets told once and if he's not listening he gets in trouble. With me he knows exactly where the boundaries are and that they are firm. Ds1 needs very firm boundaries and consistent consequences or he goes completely off the rails...dh knows this but still there is no follow through.<br><br>
I would love more than anything not have to step in and say "C, stop wasting time and do what Daddy says." But if I don't do this...then ds1 is late for school. Again. Or he's late getting to bed, making him more difficult the next day. Or his homework does not get done. Or whatever the case may be.<br><br>
It's annoying as all get out to have to be the enforcer.<br><br>
What I would love for dh to do would be to start enforcing on his own, so I don't have to. And yes, dh says that he feels that ds1 does not listen because he thinks he doesn't have to listen to daddy....but as a pp said if the boundaries with him are not there then ds1 has no motivation to listen to him.<br><br>
Just some food for thought. Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,389 Posts
i have to agree w/ lilyka. You shouldn't have to repeat yourself several different times, no matter what your DH does.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,999 Posts
That is very easy to say and not necessarily easy to implement.<br><br>
If you've seen my posts before, you probably have the idea that I'm a bit no-nonsense.<br><br>
Guess what? My children are about as stubborn as I am. I do repeat myself. Over and over. It drives me bonkers. My girl children are willing to "go to the mattresses" over any little thing. And it isn't because they lack discipline, willingness to discipline, their own power to make decisions....it is the personality of them. They LIKE it. They enjoy the drama and the fight.<br><br>
Sometimes I have found that saying it shortly, and then giving them a minute to comply works better than saying it over and over.
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Top