Is eye contact overrated?

I can see where your coming from but I can see where they're coming from too. Sort of. I think a lot of pressure is put on those kind of people from parents to "make their kids normal" or to "cure them". KWIM? I'm not saying that's how it should be but I guess I have gotten that impression from some people who work with SN kids. I agree with you though that "making eye contact" shouldn't be considered the ultimate goal. At the same time I myself don't even know what the ultimate goal is. I'm not dealing with autism. At least not yet.

I am dealing with a child who even at 10 months does not make good eye contact and there are a lot of days, especially recently where he doesn't make eye contact at all. It's really hard for me. It makes me feel like he doesn't love me or care about me and it's scary for me because I feel on those days like I've "lost him" and I don't know how to get him back into our world. If that makes sense. Maybe those women feel similarly. Maybe they feel like their jobs are being done in vain if they can't make a connection in that way.

I'm interested in hearing other responses because as I said, I'm not dealing with autism, so I'm probably not qualified to respond as to how those women are probably feeling or how those kids are feeling.

I think eye contact in and of itself--without the meaning behind it--is unimportant in that teaching a child to have eye contact (even it uncomfortable for them) is unhelpful at best (and possibly harmful). The assessing severity thing gets my gall up too. And the way you mention it makes it feel like the child is being labeled as a syndrome and tsk tskd what a shame which is sickening to me as a mother of a spectrum child.
That said, I personally don't have any problem with saying that my son and even spectrum individuals in general struggle in some particular areas. I do think that eye contact (or rather gathering information from the whole of a persons face) is a key in communication and gathering information. A child without eye contact, then, is missing a whole wealth of information from the parent which affects that child developmentally in many ways. An example--my typical son will look at me (my face, my eyes) when he isn't sure about something. He can then use that information whether for reassurance or to help make a decision. My spectrum son isn't eye contact aversive but neither is he naturally inclined to use my face in that way. So the world is scarier for him (both in his experience of it and sometimes in actuality). My spectrum son no one would probably label him as not making eye contact-at least at first glance as he is good about making eye contact when he is trying to communicate or share something. But he is still suffering from the same issues that causes for a child who is eye contact aversive. The big thing is he doesn't know the value held in anothers face and that is something I am working to help him discover.

I wonder that too in the context of my ds. In a relaxed surrounding (home, mostly) he'll use eye contact appropriately. But when he's anxious to any degree in his surroundings, he not only hides his eyes but will put his arm up to shield them.

I've always wondered where the line is b/w autistic behavior and just being shy when it comes to eye contact specifically.

Just curious, not trying to hijack the thread.

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This is sometimes true for me, and I am 34. But I have learned, in important formal settings, to look in the general direction of someone's head so that it looks like eye contact.

I think it is grossly irresponsible to refer to a 3-4 yr old child as "severely" autistic. It is well known that many autistics are delayed in their early years, but they catch up! You can't make that kind of judgement on a 3 yr old.

Yes, I think eye contact (and other "social skills") are overrated, especially for autistics. Autistics' minds don't work the same as non-autistics' minds; what looks in a typical person like "not connecting" may mean something entirely different in an autistic person. Trust me, we're fully in your world. We're just looking at it differently.

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I like that and thanks for sharing that.
My son is in music therapy which he just absolutely loves. And I notice when the therapist is singing (and he adds words in sometimes too) and he is strumming the guitar he looks off in another direction and not at her eyes. But I can tell he is concentrating, listening to her everyword, the rhythm of the music and enjoying himself. I think if he added in the eye contact it would throw him off. So, yes I do think it is sad that we think everyone has to make eye contact at all "appropriate" times. Like Rachelle said though I do see where it can be very helpful if they are using eye contact though. But to assume that a child is not connected at all because he doesn't use eye contact is not right! Especially coming from people that work with children with autism.

Oh I also had a speech therapist in my ds school tell me she wanted to give me some handouts on oral motor activities but she told me she only gave me handouts on the activities that don't require eye contact since Jordan doesn't make any eye contact. I had to try to explain that he doesn't make eye contact with her. But that doesn't mean he doesn't make eye contact with ME (which he does very well). Just another example of how people assume certain things by little information.

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I really liked this, too.

I have a friend who has her doctorate in neuropsychology. I was troubled by my ds' lack of eye contact and ds is not autistic. She said when you think about a face, think about all the things that are going on - movement, sound, emotion, tone. It's a lot. Some people filter out things more easily, but some people are overwhelmed by all that's going on and need to look away in order to process. When ds is not anxious, his eye contact is very good. I can always tell when he is anxious or unsettled because he makes very little eye contact. I can also tell when someone hasn't earned his trust yet, because of the same thing. He will not look at someone he doesn't trust.
Socially, I'm sure this will cause him some problems, but for right now it seems to be a coping mechanism for him.

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: I don't teach children to stare mindlessly at people since this is far from appropriate also. But we gather info from looking at the people talking to us and many times what we notice about their face while we talk provides even more info than their words.

As a little girl (3-4 years old) I could never stand to speak to my mom when she was wearing sunglasses. I used to ask her to take them off or try to remove them myself so that "I could hear her". My mom laughs when she retells this to people now. Now as an adult I realize why this was the case. My mom wears sunglasses mostly in public, and my mom being the extremely proper and polite woman that she is often says the exactly opposite of what she means when around others. The only way I could tell if she meant what she said, if she was secretly annoyed, if I was in trouble or if she was truly thrilled was to read her eyes. They always state exactly how she is feeling. In fact, she often puts on shades when she is upset in public since her voice and actions can hide her feelings as long as her eyes are hidden. As a result, my siblings and I all learned to read eyes (and expressions very early). To this day I have a very hard time talking to her or anyone else when they are wearing shades.

I think a lot of times we take for granted all that we learn from eye contact to me. To me teaching social referencing is a very important part of helping an AS child understand and relate to the world around them. Remember that look you got at church that told you to stop pinching your brother? Or that look you would give your parents to make sure they were paying attention as you did something important? Those are important forms of communication that would be impossible without the ability to gather info from a person's face.

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Thank you for that. I think that is what I wanted to say but could not figure out how to put.

I get the importance of eye contact in sizing people up and can see how that is a skill worth having as stated by a couple pp. And the cultural piece is worth stating too. My hope is that ds developes other ways to figure out how someone is feeling and their intent- both spoken and not. Ds does make half way ok eye contact. I just wonder with his wiring if that is the best way to reach that goal. So what if he can make awesome eye contact if that still doesn't help him figure out a person. I sometimes wonder if it would be like me hearing Spanish. Sure I can hear it as there is nothing wrong with my ears and I can even pick out a few words here and there. And that's about it. I'd have to find another way to communicate with the person. Gestures? Picures?

I am rambling. The incident just got me thinking. Thanks for the responses so far

i think eye contact is important in our society. but as a pp mentioned eye contact varies in different cultures.

and i do believe children on the spectrum should learn to make eye contact, but it should not be mandatory. if a child is forced, i do not think it is pleasureable (anxiety can also be a problem on the spectrum) - and then how often would it come from within, naturally.

IMO positive social interaction is more important than failing to conform to OUR standards of what normal is.

also IMO children on the spectrum have amazing periphial vision, are able to see facial expressions, body langauge etc. without making direct eye contact. that being said -alot of the time they have to be taught to understand EACH variation of non verbal communication.

Such precious time could potenially be lost aiming for eye contact, when it could have been better utilized within the childs comfort and motivational zone.

I don't look people in the eyes all the time. Infact, I rarely do it.

I hate putting limits on people for such silly things.

Shoot, if I were the 3 year old and had to deal with a person like that, I would not want to look her in the eyes either. :

It's overrated in an of itself.

I work with kids with autism, doing a combo of ABA and other formats. I come across a lot of people using discrete trial teaching to teach "eye contact" - so the therapist says "look at me" and the child is supposed to look and is then given a reward.

Yuck!

I have quite a few students who were very eye contact aversive and are not so any more (at least some of the time) because I've taught them the purpose of eye contact through communication and play activities that are internally motivating for them. I want them to learn that looking at someone when you are communicating with them lets them know that you are communicating with them, and that you can use eye contact to indicate objects or direction or emotion. And that someone's eye contact also tells them information and emotions.

If I need a child to look at me and make eye contact when they aren't doing it during structured communication temptation activities (like stopping and waiting, or turning around, etc.), I'll simply get their gaze naturally by holding the object of communication up to my eyes, etc. Or I'll create situations in which I know they'll look and then I'll reinforce that. I don't ask them to do it because I want it to be natural and a choice. If I try to force it, I will see the child actively trying to turn away.