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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need another viewpoint here please.<br><br>
I went to see a new therapist for the first time today. I really liked her and will see her again next week. This is a therapist that deals with eating disorders, and I'm seeing her for compulsive eating.<br><br>
I needed to call DH when I got out of the appt, we talked, and then he said "And can you stop by the store on the way home, I need a few things." "Sure," says I. "I need vanilla ice cream, a bag of twix, and ugly (white chocolate raspberry) cookies." "Uhm, okay" says I.<br><br>
As I'm buying these things in the store, I'm thinking "Is he subconsciously trying to sabotage me? I mean, he gave me this list less than 5 minutes after I was done with my appt."<br><br>
So I made the purchase and came home and said how weird it was to be buying these things. He says "Yeah, I know, but you weren't buying them for you, you don't even like those things." Okay, mostly fair point except... if that is all that is in the house, that is what I will eat. I'm a SAHM, even if he hides it, I will likely find it.<br><br>
So do I let this go? Do you think it's sabotage? Or do you think it was just him not thinking about my needs in the moment? How do I even talk about this with him? Is it fair to ask him to change something as base as what he eats in the house because of my issues? He's an adult, I'm an adult, so who's needs take priority here? (He also has some compulsive eating issues that he has told me he is not ready to face yet.)<br><br>
Some perspective please.
 

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I think he's subconsciously trying to get you to accept/normalize his issues whilst dealing with yours - ie. he's scared that you going to get yours under control may mean controling his, so he's making you do the opposite to create safety for himself.
 

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I, too, am a compulsive eater. I have been to 12-step programs, Jenny Craig, and currently in Weight Watchers. I have been successful at Weight Watchers for the last 10 months only because my entire family supports me. By not having things in the house that trigger me. EVER. If they want it, they buy a one-time serving size. Otherwise, they live without it.<br><br>
So, to answer your question -- is he sabotaging you? To give him the benefit of the doubt (since I really don't know him, but I will assume he loves you since he married you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">), he probably is not INTENTIONALLY sabotaging you.<br><br>
Most people don't understand how serious this problem is. I have a really good friend say to me many years ago -- "Can't you just have one?" when I turned down a treat. I had to explain to her that saying this to me is as bad as saying that to an alcoholic. It had never occurred to her to make that connection.<br><br>
My DH understands because he used to be a smoker. But even knowing how hard it was to quit smoking, he acknowledges that being addicted to food is even harder. In 12-step, we talked about how food is like having to put our hand in the lion's cage at least three times a day. The risk is there EVERY TIME we deal with food. An ex-smoker or drinker does not HAVE to be around their addiction EVERY DAY, MULTIPLE times a day. We do.<br><br>
If you explain this to your DH, maybe he will have a better understanding of what his request ACTUALLY did to you. The first step is certainly to approach him as non-accusatory as possible. Just you owning your own issues and asking him for help. That's what partners are for. Good luck! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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Obviously I can't make this blanket statement without knowing you and your DH. But he could just be totally clueless as to what he did. It is probably best to talk to him about what buying stuff like this does to you, how hard it is, etc. and ask that he respect your desire to not ask you to buy him treats or keep such things around the house. Maybe he'll have to be reminded for a while until it penetrates.
 

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I don't know if he's sabotaging you, but he's not really thinking about your needs at the very least. I agree with the above poster, that the change needs to be in the food you choose to have in the house as a family as much as in you. Its too easy to have a weak moment if its there.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">: I struggle with food issues if I'm alone and life is hard. The only way I've managed to get my weight under control is because my husband joined me and we worked on it all together and controlled what food came in through the door.
 

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I'm going to agree with pp and guess that he's not intentionally sabotaging you, but can't deal with his own issues.<br><br>
So let's talk potential solutions:<br><br>
Ask him to keep junk food in his car, at work etc. And to respect that you are trying to heal and need help. You really need to hammer this home that this is YOUR issue and you aren't trying to change him, only begging for his help.<br><br>
Ask him to be mindful of your need to heal. Not to offer you food when you're upset, bored etc.<br><br>
Finally, to accept that there will always be temptations, and hopefully your therapist will help you to come up with effective coping mechanisms. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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If he didn't have compulsive eating issues himself then I would give him more of the benefit of doubt. But since he does struggle with compulsive eating himself he really should have known better than to send you to the store to buy junk food. I'm not saying he's a bad guy or he's trying to sabotage you on purpose, but he really needs to do a better job supporting you.
 

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If I were you I would gently suggest to him that he needs to keep these things at his work. (my dh has a junk food food drawer in his office desk)<br><br>
I really don't think he thinks your issue is serious. People get help for alcohol or drug issues not for food addiction. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
This is what I would do:<br><br>
1. Ask him nicely.<br>
2. Warn him once.<br>
3. Throw it away.<br><br>
Look, it's not as if you told him he couldn't have it at all. He can have as much as he wants whenever...just not in the house and/or in front of you. If you had an alcohol problem would he keep liquor in the house?...would he be drinking in front of you? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
I have issues with eating too..everyday is just really hard. When people around you can indulge and you can't, it just makes it that much harder. I know the real world doesn't cater to our needs or wants but those most closest to you should at least take your feelings and helath needs into consideration.<br><br>
Good luck and update us on how it's working out.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Maluhia</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14728748"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think he's subconsciously trying to get you to accept/normalize his issues whilst dealing with yours - ie. he's scared that you going to get yours under control may mean controling his, so he's making you do the opposite to create safety for himself.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">
 

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Assuming that you aren't terribly formal together, can't you simply <i>tell</i> him: "Dude, I'm trying to avoid that stuff. I cannot be picking it up for you at the store - I cannot be seeing it around the house right now. It might not make sense to you, but it's how I need to handle it." He's a big boy, so if he needs to pick up candy at the store, he can - it's not like you're depriving him of necessities!
 

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Another thing you can try is to let him know that instead of buying a whole bag of twix, you will buy him the small single pack. Let him know that you will still buy him his junk, you just don't want too much extra laying around during the day while you take care of your own health.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thanks everyone for the replies.<br><br>
DH and I talked about this last night. I told him that I wanted to make sure that both of our needs are being met. My need is to not have and/or know what sugary things are in the house. His need is to have those things available. The compromise is that I will not purchase his junk food anymore. There is one cabinet that he uses for these foods, and that will continue. If it becomes too challenging for me during the day, we will put a lock on it.<br><br>
I asked him about whether he was subconsciously fighting this because it would mean changes for him. He said that he is not currently willing to deal with his issues and is worried that I will force him to, ie. not allowing sugary things in the house. He said he really just wasn't thinking about what he was asking.<br><br>
So... thank you everyone. I think we've come to an agreement that will work for us, at least on this issue.
 
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