[mommy2aprincess]

I haven't posted much cuz we are in the middle of moving out of our house into a townhome. It's just too much to have a big mortgage payment when dh isn't helping with anything since he left. I feel bad having to get so much help from my parents now. for those of you that don't know, DH left suddenly a week before christmas and we have seen him once since then (a week after christmas). He writes short little e-mails once in a while but never once has even asked how we are doing or if we need anything. He withdraws all the money out of the checking account the day that it is deposited from his check so that we can't get any of it or know how he is spending it.
So...seems like we are definitely going to end up divorced since he has done nothing since he left to show that he regrets it and wants things to work out. And honestly, I dont know if I would even want him back now. He got very abusive at the end before he left and I wouldn't want to risk putting dd back in that kind of environment.
So..my question (finally

)! Is it best to just keep things how they are with dh not showing an interest in seeing dd? I just feel like if I proceed with a divorce and we have to work out child custody, it is going to stir things up and he will want to start seeing her (or at least his family will, I don't know about him). I don't trust him and don't feel like he has contributed anything positive to her life so I don't really want him around her at all. However, with all the problems that he has (anger management issues, porn addiction, spending problems, etc.), I dont think there is really anything that would keep the court from giving him custody, kwim? I thought about asking him to relinquish his parental rights, but will the courts discourage him from doing that even if he was willing? I just don't feel like he should be able to see her just b/c he was a sperm donor and hasn't done anything good for her since.
I know I can't just leave it like this forever, but am I better off to keep things how they are so that he doesn't have to see her?
Thanks for reading all that! Thanks for your help..I really appreciate it, this is all so overwhelming!

 

[mama40]

You need to find a good lawyer in your area, one who specializes in family law & is well familiar with local courts, and ask what would be the most advantageous way to handle it, in her opinion. The risks/benefits are going to have a lot to do with the local circumstances. Imo.

 

[adtake]

I had a friend in a similar situation and she never go divorsed. It caused big problems down the road when she went back to ask for money. Not saying it is like your issue, but really look at the options both ways. I agree with pp get a good lawyer.

good luck! and stay strong

 

[kat85]

Divorce, so that way you can some type of support for your child and if an altercation happens, the police wont see it as husband and wife thing. You need move with your life if you can because he have. Then what if you meet someone who want to marry you but you can't because you still marry.

 

[mommy2aprincess]

I talked to a lawyer a while back about our situation. After hearing our story, he decided that he would go ahead and draw up the divorce papers to have on hand in case I felt like I needed them at any time.
Mama40- You are very right that the local circumstances play a big role. The laywer was very concerned because dh is native american. If he files paper on the reservation, we would have to go to court there. He said that he won't even go down there for cases any more because the politics are very "different." They will fight for her just b/c she is native american, regardless of whether dh really wants and deserves her or not. (I know that mil would want her, so I'm sure she would head up the fight). So...for that reason, I makes me want to file as soon as possible.
On the other hand though, if we do get divorced and dh gets unsurpervised visitation (which I think he probably would), I am afraid that dd might "disappear." The lawyer also told me he has seen this happen with divorce cases. They go down to trial and aren't allowed to leave the reservation until things are settled. The child is taken by the family and hidden and they can't find them. I can't imagine how terrifying this would be for dd. I honestly don't trust dh or his family to be alone with dd.
I have already experienced their family mentality when dh left. His whole family knew where he was and not a single person would tell me...they were hiding *him*! (like i was going to drag him home or something...lol!) He told me he was leaving for a little bit and would be right back. When he didn't come back, I thought he had been in an accident or something terrible like that. After the whole day had passed with no word from him, called the family members that I had numbers for and not a single one would tell me if he was even okay or give me any phone numbers for other family members where he could possibly be. I guess that i'm obviously not family to them.

So....it is so scary b/c it seems like I risk losing her either way. That's why I am wondering if I should even risk stirring things up when they are going well like this and dh isn't interested in seeing dd.

I guess I should go talk to the lawyer again. I know that he can't make that decision for me though.

thanks so much for the responses!
does anyone know if it would be possible for him to relinquish his parental rights or would the court discourage him from doing that?

Thanks again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[mommy2aprincess]

I hope that didn't sound like I was attacking native americans and the reservation in general. I have many good friends that are native american and have nothing against them. Even though dh isn't here anymore, I will still try and teach her about her heritage and culture. Just wanted to add that so that it would't be taken the wrong way.

Thanks again everyone!!!

 

[Jster]

Just from my understanding, he'd never be able to relinquish his rights unless you have someone else in line who wants to adopt her. The idea is that she has a right to both parents, and so it is seen as hurting her to allow him to just walk away.

As for the divorce issue...you are MUCH safer (IME) having a custody arrangement than none at all. Right now, he has as much right to her at any point that you do...he could come, get her, take her away, and you'd have zero recourse. If you have a custody order, then you'd at least have some legal protection.

Perhaps you should contact another lawyer about how the native american courts could play into things? I know our country in general has really cracked down on international child abduction, and I find it hard to believe if they require both parents notorized signatures before a child leaves the country that they'd allow the reservations to hide a child. But perhaps there's more to it...just seems like maybe that one lawyer had his own reluctance, but perhaps others have more experience/confidence?

Good luck! But I'd definitely try to get your legal position protected...the limbo land is NOT a safe place...

 

[Jilian]

I agree with Jster, it is better to have custody in writing. My ex took our son to another state for a week without my permission last year and there was nothing I could do about it because we were still legally married and had no custody in writing. It's much better to CYA!

 

[Victorian]

I don't think that he *can* give up the rights, because the tribe holds legal rights to her too.

I would however, divorce. Then It would be on paper and easier to fight if they do disappear.

V.