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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My SIL had her son in for his 1 year well baby visit a while back. She wanted her dh to come with her but he ended up working for my dh(self employed) that day and didn't get off in time. She was telling me how upset she was that her dh couldn't come because her son had to have his blood drawn and it was horrible and she ended up crying because she felt so bad.<br><br>
I said, "Yeah, it's hard watching them have their blood drawn" but inside I was thinking, "You're venting to the wrong person." My son has had his blood drawn probably 50x in the last year and I think my dh has come with me to possibly 2 appt's. Not to mention the numerous other tests far more stressful/painful/etc. than getting blood drawn! A simple blood draw seems like nothing to me anymore!<br><br>
I guess I was just really annoyed that she was complaining so much about her dh not being able to come with when I've made week long trips to appt after appt for my son without my dh and flown half way across the country for appt's without my dh.<br><br>
I don't want to be insensitive but in all honesty I was rolling my eyes in my head thinking that people just have no clue and should be thankful their kids are healthy and stop complaining about petty things! I guess I just thought it would've crossed her mind that complaining about something like that to me is like telling someone with diabetes how horrible it was to get your finger pricked once. Ya know?<br><br>
Anyway, that's my vent for the day. It's hard for me to be sympathetic when my friends talk about their kids having a cold and how worried they are about a 100 degree temp. or whatever. Obviously until I had my son I was probably the same way but now I've got a different perspective and if all I had to do was worry about a kid with a cold that'd be lovely!
 

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I could have written this myself. So a big YES.<br><br>
I have a SIL like this. I want to say "Honey, I'll trade you kids for a week." (But I'd never do it, I don't trust her for 5 minutes with my kids, lmao)<br><br>
ETA: Your tongue ever get sore from biting it? hehe
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kchoffmann</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9923823"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think those people are being insensitive, so nothing wrong in you not getting it up to be overly sensitive back.</div>
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See, I think so too. I know she doesn't do it intentionally but she obviously doesn't think. SIL isn't the only one but she definitely does it the most frequently.<br><br>
I don't want to be rude but I'd love to say something. If anyone has a witty line let me know! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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I don't think you even need to be witty - just honest. Say something like, "When you come to me about having a hard time with xyz, I wonder if you remember what DS and I have to go through together. I don't know if you're being careless or insensitive or if you're mad at me about something, but either way, I'd like you to stop."
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kchoffmann</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9923886"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't think you even need to be witty - just honest. Say something like, "When you come to me about having a hard time with xyz, I wonder if you remember what DS and I have to go through together. I don't know if you're being careless or insensitive or if you're mad at me about something, but either way, I'd like you to stop."</div>
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I don't think I could be that assertive. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

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This reminds me of the "Must be nice..." thread. Some people's problems <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:.<br><br>
My daughter's godmother just came over to leave her Nikolaus present here (Happy <a href="http://www.serve.com/shea/germusa/nikolaus.htm" target="_blank">St. Nikolaus</a> day everybody!) and she complained about her son a few times. As in, "Well, he's almost 1 yo and he still isn't walking independently. He still gets up once at night for a bottle." He sleeps from 7pm to 8am. Why complain?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>my3peanuts</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9923894"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't think I could be that assertive. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"></div>
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OK, then when she starts saying something insensitive, say, "Oh, crap! You know what? I have to go! I'll call you later." Keep doing this, and not calling back, and she'll get the point eventually.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>VanessaS</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9923900"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">This reminds me of the "Must be nice..." thread. Some people's problems <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:.<br><br>
My daughter's godmother just came over to leave her Nikolaus present here (Happy <a href="http://www.serve.com/shea/germusa/nikolaus.htm" target="_blank">St. Nikolaus</a> day everybody!) and she complained about her son a few times. As in, "Well, he's almost 1 yo and he still isn't walking independently. He still gets up once at night for a bottle." He sleeps from 7pm to 8am. Why complain?</div>
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AHHH this drives me crazy too! I hear so many people that say, "OMG he/she isn't walking yet and they just turned a year!!! Is everything ok? Do you think he's delayed?" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes"><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kchoffmann</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9923823"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think those people are being insensitive, so nothing wrong in you not getting it up to be overly sensitive back.</div>
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I don't that is really fair. It IS upsetting to have your baby go through bloodwork, typical or not. I wouldn't want people around me to walk on eggshells and not be able to share their experiences with their children because they are afraid of offending me.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
Our family is pretty good about keeping things in perspective. My DS is not often sick but my DD was a preemie. We had several ER trips at 3 a.m. where I had to drag both kids alone because DH was out of town. That was not so much fun.<br><br>
I do often find myself jealous of friend's kids who have had a smooth transition into school.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Empress</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9923963"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't that is really fair. It IS upsetting to have your baby go through bloodwork, typical or not. I wouldn't want people around me to walk on eggshells and not be able to share their experiences with their children because they are afraid of offending me.</div>
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I disagree. In the same way that I wouldn't complain about my son being sick with a cold to a friend who had a terminally-ill child, or I wouldn't vent about my mother to someone who just lost hers, I would want people to think before complaining to me. She could complain to someone else about that particular thing.<br><br>
Or even if she said, "I know you've been through it with the blood-drawing thing, but can I share what was hard or me with getting so-and-so's blood drawn?" or the like. Even that would show some sensitivity. I'm not talking about walking on eggshells. I'm talking about basic human sensitivity.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Empress</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9923963"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't that is really fair. It IS upsetting to have your baby go through bloodwork, typical or not. I wouldn't want people around me to walk on eggshells and not be able to share their experiences with their children because they are afraid of offending me.</div>
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While it's frustrating I do feel this way. I know SIL isn't doing it to be offensive, she's just sharing, and like I said, when I had my first I was really worried/over the top with everything and every little cold bothered me, blood work made me nervous, etc...<br><br>
I've actually told my friends this before, that I don't want them to have to walk on eggshells around me but at the same time I guess I'd just appreciate them not making such a huge deal about things. It would've been different if SIL had just said it was upsetting watching her son get his blood drawn. Yes, I agree, it can be upsetting. But when she continued to go on and on about how mad she was at dh, how she started crying, and on and on, then I was getting annoyed. I just want them to think.<br><br>
I'm on/can see both sides of the "argument" if there is one! LOL
 

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If that were me, and I were in that situation, I'd probably say something along the lines of "yeah, I do understand how hard it is to deal with little kids and medical tests. Can you imagine what it's been like for us having had to do XYZ tests over this past year?"
 

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Oh I know. I cringe when someone says something like this. I know they can only relate to their own experiences, but its still hard to listen too.<br><br>
We have been thru so much this last year and a half. I am doing things/done things I never dreamed I would have to do. Cleaning my daughters infected spine even when its covered in diarahea from the antibiotics, giving her medication every 6 hours tru a PICC Line in her neck, cathing her 3 times a day and on and on. I know there are Moms here that have been thru so much more than we have. I do understand that.
 

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I see it as a slippery slope. Would it be okay for me to be upset with a mom talking about a lively three year old with mild sensory issues who talks her ear off because I have a non-verbal three year old? I don't want to get into pissing contests on who's worse off, it will just leave me feeling resentful and frustrated.
 

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yeah, it's hard to feel like "allowing" others to have their normal, run of the mill stress and fears without feeling like rolling my eyes and laughing. at the same time, I'm jealous, and at the same time, I'm a little miffed when someone who knows dd's history makes those comments to me, of all people. If it's a group of people, fine, but otherwise, why me? Complain to the other typical parents! I guess that's my real beef. Not that they'd have those feelings, but that they want sympathy from someone who's been to hell and back (and my3peanuts has been through much more than me!)<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> People should *try* to have a little more perspective, and think about who they're speaking to.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">People should *try* to have a little more perspective, and think about who they're speaking to.</td>
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It kind of reminds me of my French colleague going on and on to me about how he feels "discriminated" against because of his French accent. Um... HELLO!!! I'm American, a woman, and BLACK!!! Who the friggin' heck is being discriminated against in this German engineering company?<br>
But I just nodded and smiled and told him to keep a stiff upper lip. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
It's hard, and it's all about how people *say* things.<br><br>
For instance, I remember what it was like to get that first blood draw. I know it's like a punch in the gut to a mom, to watch her child in pain. If a mom comes to me and is really upset about it, I mostly want to give her a hug. If, though, they're getting all bent out of shape about a little problem in their lives, sometimes I just want to smack them and say "really? that's what you have to worry about? Oh POOR YOU!"<br><br>
It's not so much that it's a pissing contest about who's worse off, but I do feel like there's a difference between genuine emotion (moms feeling bad that their kids are in pain or in danger) and someone who acts like they're the first person EVER who had to go through a horrible experience. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
And it's also a matter of scale. My kids have been sedated so many times, I sometimes do a little inward eye roll when people start talking about how hard/emtional it was to decide on sedation. But then I remember, sigh, how hard it was for dh and me to go through their sedation the first time, and <i>then</i> the compassion kicks in. Honestly? I think that little delay (in me) is caused by jealousy. I <i>wish</i> I was still that innocent, I <i>wish</i> I could still muster up fear and concern about all the little things. Sometimes the jaded feeling is pretty icky.<br><br>
ETA: I'm actually glad when friends of only typical kids share their concerns and worries with me. Yeah, compared to my kids they're pretty small bean concerns. Yeah, sometimes I think they're getting pretty worked up when it's not necessary. But still....I'm really, really, really, really glad that they don't censor themselves because I'm the "different, SN" mom. I'm glad they can whine about their lives with me they way they'd whine about them with parents of only NT kids. I'm glad they love me enough, and feel close enough, to treat me like they would treat everyone else. That kind of closeness is good--I feel like they're so often there for me to gripe to...I'm actually glad when I can be there when THEY want to gripe!
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>VanessaS</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9924465"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It kind of reminds me of my French colleague going on and on to me about how he feels "discriminated" against because of his French accent. Um... HELLO!!! I'm American, a woman, and BLACK!!! Who the friggin' heck is being discriminated against in this German engineering company?<br>
But I just nodded and smiled and told him to keep a stiff upper lip. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes"></div>
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Yes, it's JUST like that. That's what I was trying to convey above.
 
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