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Is it healthy for kids (esp boys) to play fight?

1597 Views 46 Replies 30 Participants Last post by  attachedmamaof3, 
T
Last week I had a b-day party at my house for my dd (turning 2) and some of our friends came with older sibs as well. There's one boy in particular who likes to play wrestle with other kids a lot. He's a really nice kid and any time my ds has wrestled with him no one got hurt and they have a ball doing it. My ds doesn't do it often just occaisionally when he's with another boy who likes to play rough. Anyway, my son(4.5 yrs) and this other boy(5.5) started play fighting at the party and then another boy (4) jumped in and another girl (5 yrs who is sort of a tomboy type). We all sat watching it and were just sort of amazed - they were starting to get really rough (kicking and whacking each other with open hands) but all of them were laughing and shrieking with joy. Then my friend with the daughter looked horrified and said "doesn't anyone else have a problem with this"? And she went over and broke it up. Immediately after she broke it up, my son was still in testosterone mode and went up behind the little girl and kicked her. My dh went over and explained the difference between play fighting and why you don't just kick someone and ds went over and apologized.

Long story short, my friend called me today and told me that she had a problem with the kids play fighting and didn't want her daughter doing it again. (As an aside, this is the only instance that this happened and we get together in a weekly group) I told her I understood and that I did feel it got too rough but that I'm not willing to forbid it for my kid. We got a little irritated with each other as she said she didn't understand what good could come out of it and that someone would always get hurt as her daughter did. I was sort of having trouble articulating it but said that I feel such play is healthy and normal and as long as the people involved are having fun its fine. Obviously you have to set boundaries and parameters and I certainly don't try to "encourage" fighting but I don't feel you can just say its not allowed at all. Anyway, I've read some things about this kind of play being good for boys but was stammering to come up with it. Ironically, this friend also has a son who is 2.5 and already quite agressive and yet she says she wouldn't allow him to play fight either to which I said "good luck with that" (ok ,i admit that was a little snarky)

Anyway, what our your thoughts on this subject and can anyone validate my intuitive sense that there is an importance to allowing boys to get physical?
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L
I agree with you and I know I have read also that it is normal and healthy, sorry no links. As long as everyone is having fun of course.

PS, I was a girl adn always LOVED wrestling with my brother and later with my first boyfriend (I was 21, not a child).

Lara
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N
DS and I play fight/wrestle/roughhouse/whateveryouwanttocallit all the time. Both of us love it. He and his friends often roughhouse and I sure loved fighting with my brothers when I was younger. It's a fun way kids have of safely (within the right limits) testing their strength. I know DS loves the sensation of pushing against something and it seems many of his friends do too.

Lawrence Cohen has a whole chapter dedicated to it in Playful Parenting but I haven't read that since DS was a babe. I do know he encourages parents to roughhouse with their kids though. Many animal parents do so with their kids but I don't remember if, because it's a book focused on adult-child interaction, if he addresses children wrestling with each other.

There were pretty firm rules surrounding it when we were kids and there is now in my adult house. The main one is always listening to your partner. We created a safe word anyone play fighting can use and everything stops IMMEDIATELY. We're always listening for that word and if someone uses it all play stops, everyone breathes and checks in with each other and makes sure no one's hurt or overwhelmed etc.

The other rule is no tickling.
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K
I'm with your friend. I think wrestling, tag, etc. is fine, but I'd be stepping in pronto at the first sign of kicking or hitting.
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T
As the mother of a boy (boys and girls ARE different, there is a different energy with each usually - your friend wasn't used to it
) I agree with Transcendental Mom.

It's fine, as long as it's consensual play and nobody is getting hurt.

I think the WONDER OF BOYS by Gurian? explains it - boys have surges of testosterone at 4+ and need to move, throw things far, etc... A parent ed teacher told me that. I still have to read that book.
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So does anyone have some suggestions on how to set guidelines with our group - no hitting or kicking, just what - wrestling? Anyone know how to clearly define what's ok and what's not?
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T
off the top of my head, wrestling is fine.

if someone doesn't not to play at all, say "I don't want to play this right now" and walk away.

If you are in the middle of playing and want to stop, show a TIME OUT sign with your hands and say "I want to stop playing now. I want to do something else." and walk away.

and state the obvious:
- no punching, hitting, kicking
- "playful" wrestline, shoving, body contact is OK. It feels fun.
- "aggressive" and "too rough" - when it starts to feel like that, it doensn't feel fun anymore for the other person(s) and needs to stop.

how's that?

Some wrestling is fine. I think the body (some growing bodies
certainly not mine, I never enjoyed wrestling) benefit from deep muscle touch (related to the brain/sensory integration I think) - which is what this is. As long as all involved are having fun and it's consensual, I think it's fine.

But... it can get too rough too quick and you do have to keep an eye out for that to step in and help mediate (like what happened when your friend broke it up - one child wanted to keep going, got angry, or whatever.)
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U
its good to read this, my son is 4 and loves to fight i think i should let him do so in a controlled setting, cause he isn't being mean when he walks up to a kid and whacks him he just wants to play!! but i feel so bad, i hate yelling at him all the time,i am trying to teach him not to just hit but to ask if the other kid wants to wrestle
i do think its ok to let them play fight, and as a mom of 3 girls and one boy boys and girls are different!! something i didn't believe till i had my son! lol and i have 3 older brothers and loved fighting them
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O
Our boys are older now but they spent years tussling and fighting with each other. Not always kindly I must say but most of the time they would be doing it for fun and no-one was unwilling. It shocked me at first as I don't have any brothers but as I met more friends with sons I realised it was just what they did.

Obviously there is a big difference in how you deal with the 'I'm going to fight you because I don't like you' and the 'Hey lets fight!' fights. In our experience the things between friends are usually happy fights and as long as none of the participants have been dragged in against their will all you can do is watch them.

This is one of the big differences I see now that dd(4) has friends over to play: there is no fighting just lots and lots of talking, drawing and dressing up! No-one asks to look for some sticks play swords with or if they can go outside and play sumo.
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2
Quote:

Originally Posted by nicole lisa View Post

Lawrence Cohen has a whole chapter dedicated to it in Playful Parenting but I haven't read that since DS was a babe. I do know he encourages parents to roughhouse with their kids though. Many animal parents do so with their kids but I don't remember if, because it's a book focused on adult-child interaction, if he addresses children wrestling with each other.

There were pretty firm rules surrounding it when we were kids and there is now in my adult house. The main one is always listening to your partner. We created a safe word anyone play fighting can use and everything stops IMMEDIATELY. We're always listening for that word and if someone uses it all play stops, everyone breathes and checks in with each other and makes sure no one's hurt or overwhelmed etc.

The other rule is no tickling.
Thanks - I did a google search and came up with this article. I think I might forward it to my friend
He talks about roughhousing why its healthy for boys and girls although its more parent to child roughhousing rather than kid on kid. Anyway, what "emergency" word do you use?

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/lifest...layful12.shtml
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Quote:

Originally Posted by UltimateSerj View Post
cause he isn't being mean when he walks up to a kid and whacks him he just wants to play!! but i feel so bad, i hate yelling at him all the time,i am trying to teach him not to just hit but to ask if the other kid wants to wrestle
Sometimes I notice my son at a playground starting to play fight with another child. I don't yell at my son. I tell the other child, "is this OK with you? Do you want to play that game?" He usually looks surprised I'm asking him and says, yes. Kinda modeling for my son what you are supposed to do - ask and check first. "Fine. If you want to stop, just tell him."
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Huh? She doesn't want her kid to do it, so none of the other kids can?

I would suggest that her kid can do whatever she pleases, but you're not going to police the other kids' play b/c the mom of a child, who isn't participating, doesn't approve.

We monitor closely for the first sign of distress, discomfort, injury, or not having fun--and then we step in to help them disengage, take a breather, explain that so-and-so doesn't want their shirt pulled or whatever, and let 'em go!
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I used to think that boys and girls are the same. I never had a brother or a father at home. I had 7 girl cousins and 4 boy cousins who I didn't see a lot. THEN I had a son. He's only 7 MO and he's way more aggressive than my DD was at that age. He goes after everything that she's holding. He kicks and grabs my hair to kiss me. I think he's going to like to wrestle because he laughs when DD sits on him.
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Laggie
The 'safe word' in our house is cantaloupe. Or watermelon. Pick something kind of silly that has nothing to do with the game. If somebody says that word, everything stops.

When I play-wrestle with DD (and she LOVES it) we set the ground rules beforehand:

-no hitting
-no kicking
-no pinching (although sometimes we do have pinch-fights)
-I'll ask her if I am allowed to pin her down or if it's just her pinning me - she generally does not want me to pin here. That's fine when it's me, but probably wouldn't fly with her friends.
-I ask if I should be standing or on my knees or sitting.

You could model a green light yellow light red light system, too - where calling out yellow light means you should back down a little bit, things are starting to get out of hand, green light means go and of course red light is stop.

I think that teaching kids how to communicate with each other and lay out ground rules like this is an extremely valuable skill. Many of us don't have these skills ourselves, but we can learn. Teaching kids to ASK if something is okay before doing it (ie, don't assume that because you like it, the other person will too) is huge.

Also, yes, sometimes somebody will get hurt. Part of this is not playing in an unsafe environment - I wouldn't wrestle next to a sharp table or fireplace hearth, for example. But the odd bump or bruise is just part of the learning process. And I do expect to have to stop the play if any hitting or kicking happens, and it usually does, although it may be accidental especially with very young kids. DD *always* hits me if I pin her down. Which is why we generally don't do that.

If you read Playful Parenting (and I strongly recommend it) it's about letting kids do the things they might not get to do with other kids. So, DD gets to always win when we wrestle. That (hopefully) will keep her from getting overly frustrated at not winning in the schoolyard. It's also about using your body and gaining confidence in your own strength. I think it's important for girls as well as boys. With my nephews, who are younger, I sit on the floor and have them push me over. They love it and will do it over and over. With DD, she might try to pin me down, or get past me to the couch.
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I don't have boys, but in principle I agree with all of the above.

I saw the title of this thread and had to share...

I went to my primary care physician a few days ago for a check-up.

His foot was in a splint. I asked what had happened.

He told me (rather sheepishly) that he and his 15 year old son were "horsing around" and wrestling with each other. His son (big for 15) tried to lock him (the doctor) in his room, and the doc kicked at him (in a rough-housing sort of way) and kicked the doorjam instead. His foot is all swollen and won't fit into his shoe.


I thought this was hysterical. Made me like my doc even more (he's a great guy). He said his son feels really bad about it, and so he (doc) plans on guilt-tripping him whenever possible (he's joking, of course).
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Quote:

Originally Posted by UltimateSerj View Post
its good to read this, my son is 4 and loves to fight i think i should let him do so in a controlled setting, cause he isn't being mean when he walks up to a kid and whacks him he just wants to play!! but i feel so bad, i hate yelling at him all the time,i am trying to teach him not to just hit but to ask if the other kid wants to wrestle
i do think its ok to let them play fight, and as a mom of 3 girls and one boy boys and girls are different!! something i didn't believe till i had my son! lol and i have 3 older brothers and loved fighting them

My son is 5 and does the same thing.

We play rough with him and that's why. I feel bad for him because he's used to roughhousing with us but most kids he encounters at the park don't want to play like that (you can see it in their faces) so I've been feeling like he was just too rough for the kids his age kwim?

I'm GLAD to see that it's considered healthy and normal!! We wrestle and if everyone is consenting then people are just less likely to get hurt. It's, IMO, because everyone is more relaxed and having fun rather than being angry like during an actual fight. We do have ground rules when we wrestle but I feel bad that it seems like no other kids want to play with him like that


Now, there's a little boy we know who is just outright MEAN to DS #1. He pinched his face sooooo hard that DS bled! Nobody did a damn thing about it but my brother (who was 50%responsible for the child at that moment) did make it a point to tell DS "if you would just calm down, he wouldn't be like that!" So this little boy was obviously (in my brothers mind) in the right for hurting my son because my son wanted to play...the WEREN'T play fighting at the time either, Adam was running around in circles like a nut and the boy pinched him.

Actions like that aren't normal or healthy but I think controlled play fighting is fine. My brother and I wrestled when we were younger...I was a tomboy growing up lol.

The only thing that I don't like is my older DS wants to wrestle with his baby brother. Younger DS is getting to an aggressive age so I let them roughhouse a little bit but I closely monitor them to make sure that DS#1 isn't too rough with the babe. I've also had to explain to DS#1 that DS#2 doesn't understand how to be careful so if the baby hurts him, he really didn't mean to.
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I think it's totally fine.

And I actually think girls should be encouraged to wrestle and be physical with other people from a young age. For so many girls, their first real physical encounter with another person is sexual--and if that encounter isn't consensual, I think the experience can be so overwhelming (physicalness on top of sex) that the chances of her escaping it are lessened.

Boys, on the other hand, are often quite used to the feeling of someone else sitting on them, pushing them, grabbing them, etc. by the time they reach puberty, as well as how to use their bodies to escape from this, how to push back, etc.--they've been wrestling for almost 10 years by then!

I think there would be less sexual assault if girls were more accustomed to being physical with others, like boys so often are.
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Here's a few more articles...

http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/strol...-for-kids.aspx

http://aplaceofourown.org/question_detail.php?id=186

http://aplaceofourown.org/activity.php?id=240

Wow! I didn't realize that not only is it "fine" its actually really important for development! So tonight, I talked about the rules with ds - we agreed on the following
First and foremost - only play rough with someone who also wants to play rough
- No biting
- No pulling hair
- No scratching
- No tickling
- No hitting
- No kicking
- Stop if someone yells "mercy!"

Which basically leaves pushing and wrestling, but I tell you he was SO excited to know the parameters. He memorized the rules and repeated them back several times. Then we play wrestled in his room. What a relief! Thanks so much for all your input!
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ASusan
A PBS show last year - Raising Cain: Boys in Focus (Michael Thompson) - had a great segment on fantasy play with aggressive themes and aggressive play in general. Here's a link from the "parents guide" part of the related site at PBS.

http://www.pbs.org/parents/raisingboys/aggression.html

If you can get the video - it's great. My students (college students in intro psych and child development) LOVED it.

Michael Thompson has a book by the same title. It's quite good.
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ASusan
Quote:

Originally Posted by fuller2 View Post
I think it's totally fine.

And I actually think girls should be encouraged to wrestle and be physical with other people from a young age. For so many girls, their first real physical encounter with another person is sexual--and if that encounter isn't consensual, I think the experience can be so overwhelming (physicalness on top of sex) that the chances of her escaping it are lessened.

Boys, on the other hand, are often quite used to the feeling of someone else sitting on them, pushing them, grabbing them, etc. by the time they reach puberty, as well as how to use their bodies to escape from this, how to push back, etc.--they've been wrestling for almost 10 years by then!

I think there would be less sexual assault if girls were more accustomed to being physical with others, like boys so often are.
I agree with this. (second time tonight, fuller2!)
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