[dex_millie]

I usually don't post here but I guess I feeling in a crappy mood.

We have 2 week old and a 2 year old. I am home w/ them all day. Anyways DH works normal hours and live 10mins from home. I feel like he gets to do everything he wants.

Every morning he does a hour excercise(that's cool). Fri. went out until 3:30am I was home up all night w/ a NB and toddler who wakes up and needs some cuddling to go back sleep, That was such a hectic night. Of course he took a couple hour nap the next day also. He also goes to the gym, so Mon. & Today he is at the gym right after work, Wed. he went to play soccer (came home after 9). Not to mention on top of all this 'his bedtime' is 9 / 9:30pm. He takes naps now and then also.

On his weekend nights, it is mostly just movies. I am so tired, lonely and bored to my core I just feel like crying at times.

ETA: Maybe this is normal, and I am just friendless in this place. So I have no other outlet. But I really think he just makes sure he get in what he wants.

 

[jeliphish]

I'd sure as hell be pissed

 

[gabry]

That is just ridiculous. You just had a baby, he should be taking care of you AND the kids (and household tasks) as much as he possibly can. Not to mention, he should be wanting to run home to you and the kids each day!
Have you told him how you feel, what you need from him? If you're friendless, ok, that might be something to work on later, but for now, it means you need his support even more.
Is he feeling overwhelmed too? Was he always like this, and he just doesn't realize it's different with two kids/ a newborn?
I hope you can talk to him and he'll change at least some. Take care of yourself as best you can!

 

[Shelsi]

That's not normal and that's not how friends & partners should treat each other. It sounds like he's taking advantage of you and taking you for granted big time.

 

[dex_millie]

I'll have a talk tonight, I guess. I just don't know why I need to have this convo. this should be common sense to me. I am also back to doing half of the load which isn't bad I can handle that (washing dishes, cleaning/tiding up the leaving room, washing diapers, cooking once in a while, he does most of the cooking).

I don't know if to say he always been like this. When we meet he wasn't like this until recently. It was just mainly the two of us. But then again he was back and forth w/ jobs and money was tight. Most of this came after the first child which was also around the same time he finally found a permanent job. I was the 'bread winner' before that. Now he has a gym membership, still has a weight bench at home and just bought a eliptical, he is actually looking for people to play soccer w/ close by and still want to study for some certificates (he also does classes once in a while). I sometimes think we are just keeping him back from what ever the hell his goals are (six-pack, higher education, who knows).

 

[mamarootoo]

wow... how selfish.

my DH has friday game night with his friends. it doesn't start until 8pm, because he doesn't want to miss DD's bedtime. he always takes a nap with her on saturday to catch up on sleep (he still gets up with her at 6:30 saturday morning.)

i would not tolerate your DH's disregard for family. it is not normal, and sooooooo not ok in my book!

s mama

 

[Blu Razzberri]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeliphish I'd sure as hell be pissed

Ditto.

Your needs are NOT being met by far. I recommend this website; and starting specifically in the "basic concepts" section. It'll help you understand why you feel the way you do, and help you put it into words to explain to him as well. I hope he's willing to invest in you and your kids; because his family is worth it.

 

[purslaine]

I would sit down with him and be very clear about expectations.

Truthfully - when I had a newborn, I needed my husband to run home to me after work and not go out at all (I was overwhelmed and a little post-partumy).

If you are coping a little better, I could see him going out once a week (aside from work, of course) but that is about it. You should have the same option.

I would probably be Ok with the exercise in the morning as with any luck I would sleep through it, lol.

Congrats On the new baby

:

 

[dex_millie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blu Razzberri Ditto. Your needs are NOT being met by far. I recommend this website; and starting specifically in the "basic concepts" section. It'll help you understand why you feel the way you do, and help you put it into words to explain to him as well. I hope he's willing to invest in you and your kids; because his family is worth it.

Thanks, I know about that website and the basic needs. He is just not a 'reading person' unless it is for his own benefit (looking up excersing routines

).

I will try it again. The thing is we said we going work on our marriage this year. We had a really good one pre-children, now I just feel like I am existing.

 

[ElliesMomma]

if you had a good marriage pre-children, and not so much now... here's why (i think): your life changed, and his did not.

it's not just you. i think any woman in your shoes would see herself as a slave to the children, while her husband makes sure he has plenty, plenty of "me" time.

be upset.

 

[confustication]

I'd be very hurt, and very angry. I'd also be very vocal and clear about my needs.

f those need aren't met even after clarification, I'd be at the 'issuing ultimatums' point, and I'm not often there.

At any rate, I've been there. After my first, I was 'mom' first- he was still him first, and kept living as he always had (SO many nights of his buddies over until 3-4 AM... !)

I lived that life for about 3 years, and over those years our relationship deteriorated and he became verbally and physically abusive- and I left. I will explain however, that isn't necessarily the norm- the guy I was with was quite simply an ass extraordinaire.

I am now remarried, and you have no idea what a shock it was to me to find out that this man IVES to be with me and with our kids. He doesn't want to do all the rest because it takes too much time from our family, and we are all much happier.

 

[homewithtwinsmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dex_millie I usually don't post here but I guess I feeling in a crappy mood. We have 2 week old and a 2 year old. I am home w/ them all day. Anyways DH works normal hours and live 10mins from home. I feel like he gets to do everything he wants. Every morning he does a hour excercise(that's cool). Fri. went out until 3:30am I was home up all night w/ a NB and toddler who wakes up and needs some cuddling to go back sleep, That was such a hectic night. Of course he took a couple hour nap the next day also. He also goes to the gym, so Mon. & Today he is at the gym right after work, Wed. he went to play soccer (came home after 9). Not to mention on top of all this 'his bedtime' is 9 / 9:30pm. He takes naps now and then also. On his weekend nights, it is mostly just movies. I am so tired, lonely and bored to my core I just feel like crying at times. ETA: Maybe this is normal, and I am just friendless in this place. So I have no other outlet. But I really think he just makes sure he get in what he wants.

Man, I would be beating him by now. Not for real, but in my house a new baby is all hands on deck. If I am doing round the clock with a newborn and unable to get out for even a couple hours, then hubby doesn't either. Its what is fair. And given that you have a toddler he has a lot of nerve leaving you at this stage for anything other than work. I would demand that he give you the rest and recouperation time all mothers deserve and step up. He is being horribly selfish. My dh has been through six babies with me including twins and he would NEVER be doing this at 2 weeks out. In fact I was never left alone with all the other kids and a newborn for 3-4 weeks. He made all the meals and took care of the house and the other kids.

I try to make sure all my childbirth student dads never act this way and get how important it is for mama's physical and emotional health after birth to be supported. He clearly doesn't get it.

 

[dex_millie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElliesMomma if you had a good marriage pre-children, and not so much now... here's why (i think): your life changed, and his did not. ................

This is what I does be thinking.

I have to it isn't like he doesn't do anything. He does cook and has started taking the toddler with him when ever he goes shopping or someplace that he can and will be doing the laundry. I'll more likely be driven places also as I don't want to drive w/ 2 right now. It is almost minimum stuff - to me at least.
And he does play w/ DS, DS just loves his daddy(he is 2 anyways any play is great for him).

We still have good times, but it nothing like it use to be. I am really hoping stuff change quick.

Planning on hiring a mommy helper soon too. As I work at home and just have a month maternity leave off, so I will be resuming that headache in a couple weeks. W/ DS I had really struggle w/ this job and was tired all the time. I really don't plan to be like that this time around.

Quote:

Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama ........................... I try to make sure all my childbirth student dads never act this way and get how important it is for mama's physical and emotional health after birth to be supported. He clearly doesn't get it.

I really don't think he gets it for real. I am not sure if it is because he sees his SIL dealing w/ 3 kids while his bro. has to be away doing business that he thinks it is not a big deal. His bro. lives in VA(they moved there from here) but his apts./real estate business is in MD, so he is up here for a week at a time leaving his pregnant wife w/ 3 children.

And the thing is he use to look at him and say stuff, I sometimes wonder if he doesn't realize he has started to do the same thing and even worst.

ETA: Not sure if he thinks I am mad now. I notice he took DS and is giving him a bath. He rarely does that. I will see how the other things goes when I talk to him (praying now, as I want the man I thought I married fully back, not just glimpses. I think he really need to realize how much children changes a marriage so we have to change some of our lifestyles to fit everyone needs.

 

[readytobedone]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeliphish I'd sure as hell be pissed

:

first of all, newborn=automatic moratorium on staying out till 3:30 a.m. no exceptions!

and it also usually means cutting out some of your normal routine and spending more time with your wife and kid(s). you need help, mama, and he should be giving it to you. i'm so sorry he's not!

please confront him.

 

[Dahlea]

I'd be pissed too-you need a nap and alone time too-he shouldn't get all of his time to himself. You agreed to have children, he needs to step up and help.

 

[proudmomof4]

to you, momma. That really is unfair - especially the 3:30 a. m. part. Somehow that sounds a bit like "yeah I am a Dad but I wish I were still at high school".

:
Have you ever been to flylady.net? It is basically a system to get a grip on housekeeping (and family life). Flylady works a lot with babysteps and routines - maybe you can print out a "control journal" and delegate some of the tasks to your husband?

 

[geiamama]

I went through the same thing with my DH.

He would have his friends over and I'd wake up in the morning and have to step over beercans and his mates passed out on the living room floor. He'd also go out three or four nights a week to the pub but when I planned to so something he'd either have plans so he couldn't watch the children or we didn't have enough money. He'd also take naps even though I'd been up all night.

I tried to confront him. We argued then he carried on exactly the same way. So I got devious...

I'd hide his car keys then when he complained about not being able to find them I say "well perhaps if I weren't so tired and I had help around the house, I'd be able to find them".
I'd wait til his mates were around, stomp down the stairs in the middle of the night, baby in arms and have a well-rehersed melt-down. Making sure to put in lots of gory details about leaking breasts and all the other things guarenteed to make single young lads uncomfortable.
I'd make sure that the bed had no bedding on it and the sofa was covered in piles of ironing so that he had nowhere to sleep when he got home.

He learnt.

 

[mandib50]

i'd be so upset ... i went through this in my first marriage. my ex had time for all his needs but when it came to me, i could never do enough. somehow he felt that i didn't need breaks or help because "he worked all day" and that also entitled him to free week-ends and evenings.

i hope that the two of you can talk this out and find a more balance way of caring for the kids - and each other.

 

[traceface]

In general it's unacceptable -- and you have a 2 week old baby!!

The fact that he stayed out till 3:30 a.m when you have a brand-new baby, would be hard to get over in my mind. I mean, besides your needing support, wouldn't he rather be home getting to experience the new person in the family?

 

[proudmomof4]

Quote:

Originally Posted by geiamama I went through the same thing with my DH. I'd hide his car keys then when he complained about not being able to find them I say "well perhaps if I weren't so tired and I had help around the house, I'd be able to find them". I'd wait til his mates were around, stomp down the stairs in the middle of the night, baby in arms and have a well-rehersed melt-down. Making sure to put in lots of gory details about leaking breasts and all the other things guarenteed to make single young lads uncomfortable. I'd make sure that the bed had no bedding on it and the sofa was covered in piles of ironing so that he had nowhere to sleep when he got home. He learnt.

Wow, you must have been one determined (or desperate?) person. I really admire you for not giving in to that behavior! So that's what young mothers should focus their energy on, is it now - raising their partner and his lads???
Well, with 3 sons I better make sure they are more mature than that once they leave the house.

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