When I was young we had my grandmother living with us and on Sundays when we went to church she'd go through all my stuff and take some things only to return then sometime later. And for the record she wasnt crazy so why she did it I'll never know.<br><br>
My Mom when I was about 8 or so got really mad at me and went into my room trewing alway lots of toys or favorite things of mine. Why? I'll never know except every so often she just seems to "lose it" and gets unreasonable fopr a couple of months then goes back to her sweet self.<br><br>
I do however go through my 3 1/2 years old room ONLY when all the junk paper/mail she collects gets to be so much. We live in a very tiny trailer so clutter has to be kept to a minimum. She doesnt like it thrown away to when she not around I throw away the stuff thats not "really neat stuff".<br><br>
We are so involed in our childrens lives that we would be aware of anything going on so there would be no reason to snoop.
Wrong, wrong, wrong. Sooo wrong.<br><br>
If there is any reason to go through stuff, I think there has to be sound evidence and then a "search" only should take place in his/her presence.<br><br>
Treat others as you wish to be treated.<br><br>
My mother didn't trust me, so I didn't trust her. And I, in my turn, went through her checkbook, her bills, her letters. I knew how much she made and how much she spent on clothes and cigarrettes and how bad she was at bugeting, and I threw all that back in her face during fights.
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by CeraMae</i><br><b>What are your thoughts? Have you done it? Will you do it? Is it right???????</b></td>
I will do it if I feel it's necessary, but not without reason. Knowing me I'd probably discuss it with my child first though, and have them there.
My parents did this to me. We had a very adversarial relationship which saddens me.<br><br>
I remember being at a friend's house visiting (I was 15 yrs old) when suddenly my mom pulled up in the driveway in the car to take me home. I could tell I was "in trouble" but didn't know why. Turned out while I was gone they had been searching through my room and found an old note I had written to a friend which said things they didn't approve of. So I was questioned, berated and grounded.<br><br>
Another time I wrote my feelings down on paper in journal form just to get my feelings out. I felt confused and lost and found this a good way to feel better. They ended up finding this one too and kept it. I felt humiliated. Then recently I found the letter in my father's drawer. I put it back, but later he noticed I had seen it. He brought it up to me, telling me he was saving it to give to my daughters whenever they start lieing/lying (sp?!) to me.<br>
I've since then taken the letter from his drawer. It was never his in the first place.<br><br>
It's a shame.<br><br>
Sometimes I hear parents almost boasting of how they go through their kids things (or how they will when their kids are older) and it immediately puts into perspective their relationship with their kids.
I think it can be ok.<br>
My 15 year old brother smokes quite a bit of pot. My mom periodically goes into his room, finds it and flushes it. Her "seek and destroy" missions are based on his behavior and history.
I'd like to say that I won't go through my kids' things because I had it happen to me and it was awful. For instance, mom finding a gut-wrenching poem I had written after a teenage break up AND she goes and gives it to the ex-boyfriend so he can see the pain he put me through? What the!? How mortifying.<br><br>
I am HOPING that I don't have to snoop to know personal things about my children. I hope they trust me enough to tell me all the important things.
I will if I have too. I hope m children are open and behaved well and I will never have to go through thier things. But if I feel they are getting into trouble or lying or sneaking around I will. whether or not i tell them first will depend on what I am looking for or what I suspect. i don't think there should be secrets in families.
I think it's important for people to be able to have their own private lives that they can keep secret from everyone else if they want to. I don't think anyone has the right to know everything about another person's life, even if it's their own child. Some things are just nobody else's business, not even mom's business.
I totally agree that it's wrong, wrong, wrong for so many reasons already stated.<br><br>
I love the suggestion that, if the situation was dire, it would be discussed with the child first and the child would be there.<br><br>
But honestly, I just don't see why I would want to do that. Even if you find pot and throw it away, do you really think that is going to stop them? My mother used to come into my room and rip up my Skinny Puppy posters and take my T-shirts (they were an earlier and less commercial version of marilyn manson) b/c she thought they were "Satanic". I just went right out and bought new ones and hid them or kept them away from home. Same thing with my cigarettes. So I really can't see how finding stuff helps at all.
I hope it never comes to that, for me, it would have to be that I was afraid my child was suicidal/homicidal for me to go through their things.<br><br>
I hope we all are able to parent our children in a way that we really know them, and they trust us, and we them, but nothing is perfect, not even AP, so I can't say I would never do it, but it would have to be for the above stated reasons.<br><br>
I have often wondered how the parents of the boys from Columbine didn't know their sons were making bombs<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/confused.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Confused">:
I think everyone has a right to privacy no matter how old they are.<br><br>
I also like the idea of involving the child should a search be deemed necessary. Hopefully it never gets to that point to begin with.
ITA, its wrong. But if the circumstances were dire, I wouldn't write it off, and I agree with involving the child.<br><br>
My mom respected me and my privacy and that spoke volumes to me, especially as a teen. When I did not feel respected, by teachers or my dad for example, I retaliated with disrespect as well, getting myself into trouble. But I rarely crossed that line with my mom, because I felt respected by her and returned it. Sure, I did things she didn't want me to, but if I got caught I had a much harder time lying to her than I did with those who put me on a lower level.<br><br>
Respecting your kids means more than many parents will ever know.
Mine are only 5 and 6, but it's got me thinking about what I'd do.<br><br>
My sister and I have an expression about our parenting,<br>
"this is not a democracy, it's a benevolent dictatorship"<br><br>
I set the boundaries on what they wear, what they watch and what they play with. They don't get a vote. They tell me what they want and I make a decision. Right now that means no Gameboy. So with that in mind there would be no reason to look for unacceptable clothing, or posters.<br><br>
As for letters and such, I think I'd throw this idea out: I'd get them a locked journal or maybe even a small fire-proof safe that they have the key to. (Mom may not snoop but there's always siblings.) Tell them it's for letters and pictures to show them I appreciate that those are things of value and private. Then the rest of the room is accessible to me. Not necessarily to snoop but to look for forgotten dishes, a pen to write with, etc.<br><br>
I don't know if that would work, or if that's what I'd do, but it's the first thing off the top of my head.<br><br>
Now MY question is... would your ideas about not snooping change if it were a foster child?
I WOULD talk to your mom. Tell her how it made you feel. Tell her how it hurt. Maybe this will get better for you sister.<br><br>
Personally, I would only conduct a search if there was an outstanding reason (ie drugs or something that affected the family) AND my child would be REQUIRED to be there.<br><br>
Would I do this for a foster child? No, why would I treat a foster child differently than my own?
Maybe you could bring up how you felt about it when she did it to you. If you explain that you see your ds having privacy issues and how you felt when your privacy was being invaded, it might be a more gentle way to present the situation. You aren't telling her what to do, but how it feels to be on the other side and why your ds might be having problems.<br><br>
You could point out that teens (anyone really) are much more likely to be open with their parents when they feel trusted, and this isn't sending her that message.<br><br>
Maybe bring it up in the context of what you would like to do with your kids.