[Voltige]

For the most part, DH and I have a pretty great relationship. He has been exceptionally supportive of all my issues surrounding this pregnancy- from the infertility, surgery for endo, gall bladder attack, subchorionic hematoma and limited activity, gall bladder surgery, etc. etc. etc. He picked up a lot of slack when I just *could not* despite his working full time and long hours and long commute.

Right now I'm feeling pretty good, with reasonable energy. The house is clean and organized. I prepare dinner most nights. All the stuff he had been doing when I could not is fully under my control again

BUT (you had to see this coming, right?) I am in PAIN. My hips and pelvis and lower back are in bad shape. After a day of doing normal activity I can barely move, and getting into bed is quite impossible at times. My hips ache. Both of them. I usually can't breath if I try to sleep on my back. It's just really sore and painful and it contributes to my emotional break downs at times. A simple back rub helps SOOOOO much. SO much. Not only does it temporarily relieve the pain, it seems to me that DH is sharing in the pregnancy burden, if you will. It's intimate without pressure, and I crave this type of touch each day. Thing is, he hates giving massage. He'll do it, reluctantly, if I asked repeatedly. And I hate asking. I will, but if he chooses not to, or delays until I go to bed, I don't ask again. I don't want to nag. He already does so much. But then I go to bed hurt and even angry, and I feel it's negatively impacting our relationship. Am I unreasonable in wanting and asking for a massage every evening? Be honest. I can take it. If so, I need to just let it go somehow and move on. If not, I'd like to find a way to talk with DH about how important this one little thing is to me these days. It really does make a huge difference in my daily outlook, for better or worse.

Thoughts?

 

[Erinz]

I think you sound so reasonable. Maybe just ask for some ticklies or something that doesn't require too much of him, as he is probably tired too? The only thing that popped into my head is maybe he is thinking he'd like some intimacy as well? You know, the sexual kind and doesn't feel his needs are being met physically and nobody makes a daily point to make sure they are? I have no clue, I can just tell you that any kind of back rubbing/bare skin touching generally leads to sex for us EXCEPT for right now when I'm so uncomfortable and wiped out by the end of the day. My husband is pretty good about expressing how rubbing my back makes him feel so I get it

 

[phrogger]

My DH and I are going through this exact same thing. Just not the infertility part, but the rest, including the gall bladder surgery and now the hip/back pain.

Basically, I have sucked it up and I don't expect any more from him. A TON of his physical needs are not being met or at least not like they were before getting pg, that is enough for him to suffer through with me, or at least that is how I see it.

HOWEVER I do cut back on what I do in the house and if it is a mess, so be it. He understands that it is just too painful, and I thankfully have an OB who put me on partial bedrest because of it so my DH knows it is coming from the Dr. too, not just me being lazy.

While the message feels good, so does knowing my husband isn't feeling guilted into anything so when he does things all on his own, it means so much more to me.

 

[Voltige]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erinz The only thing that popped into my head is maybe he is thinking he'd like some intimacy as well? You know, the sexual kind and doesn't feel his needs are being met physically and nobody makes a daily point to make sure they are?

Intimately, things are about the same as they were pre-pregnancy, without the obligatory sex while TTC. There are days when it happens every day. And then two weeks with nothing. . . typical cycles for us. It's definitely more likely if I'm feeling better though-like after a massage

Quote:

Originally Posted by phrogger While the message feels good, so does knowing my husband isn't feeling guilted into anything so when he does things all on his own, it means so much more to me.

And I agree with this too. I HATE asking. Hate nagging. I'd rather that he just do it, because he knows it makes me feel better. I dunno. This is the part I wonder if I am being unreasonable about.

 

[Erinz]

Intimately, things are about the same as they were pre-pregnancy, without the obligatory sex while TTC. There are days when it happens every day. And then two weeks with nothing. . . typical cycles for us. It's definitely more likely if I'm feeling better though-like after a massage

WOW! Good on ya! My husband envies yours

 

[boscopup]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Voltige And I agree with this too. I HATE asking. Hate nagging. I'd rather that he just do it, because he knows it makes me feel better. I dunno. This is the part I wonder if I am being unreasonable about.

Well, one thing to keep in mind is that men can't read women's minds, AND they tend to think a bit differently from us, so while we think they should know that we expect xyz, they might have no clue (and this happens vice versa too - I'm not bashing men here

).

You may just have to talk to him about it and ask what he'd rather you do... cut back on the housework so you won't be in pain every night and have him pick up the slack in housework, or continue the housework as you're doing and expect him to give you a massage before bed. Lay it out as those being the options for you to survive the rest of pregnancy, letting him know how much pain you really are in (because face it, they often have no clue how much pain we are feeling... they have not BTDT, and we often push through the pain and do a lot that makes it look like we're not in pain when really we are!).

 

[KarlaC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by phrogger HOWEVER I do cut back on what I do in the house and if it is a mess, so be it. He understands that it is just too painful. While the massage feels good, so does knowing my husband isn't feeling guilted into anything so when he does things all on his own, it means so much more to me.

: Really if dh has the day off & isn't doing other stuff I may ask him for a back rub but I try to keep it to a minimum, there's plenty I can do for myself & it makes the back rubs he gives on his own that much more special imo.

I try putting myself in his shoes, when I was the only one working(with my ex) & doing all the housework because of his back injury..if he'd asked me to rub his back on top of it on a regular basis I would have resented him for it.

 

[ktmama]

A way to avoid conflict with dh might be to get your physical needs met elsewhere by getting massage and chiropractic adjustments. I see you have a dc at home, so that might be hard, but maybe your dh can "contribute" by taking your dc while you go get a massage and/or an adjustment. I know these things help me cope hugely with painful hips and back caused by an old car accident and made worse in pg.

 

[ChrissieColinsMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ktmama A way to avoid conflict with dh might be to get your physical needs met elsewhere by getting massage and chiropractic adjustments. I see you have a dc at home, so that might be hard, but maybe your dh can "contribute" by taking your dc while you go get a massage and/or an adjustment. I know these things help me cope hugely with painful hips and back caused by an old car accident and made worse in pg.

That's exactly what I was going to suggest.

 

[Voltige]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ktmama A way to avoid conflict with dh might be to get your physical needs met elsewhere by getting massage and chiropractic adjustments. I see you have a dc at home, so that might be hard, but maybe your dh can "contribute" by taking your dc while you go get a massage and/or an adjustment. I know these things help me cope hugely with painful hips and back caused by an old car accident and made worse in pg.

I do see a chiro regularly, and this week I schedule my first appt with someone who is specifically trained to help pregnant women (and use Webster technique, since babe is currently breech). I have had two massages this pregnancy, but it's not quite the same as when DH does it. There's just something intimate (to me) about him touching me, and sharing the discomfort of the pregnancy.

DH gave me a nice, short massage last night and I feel SO much better today. I'm sure much of it is mental, but it really, really makes a huge difference to me.