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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My mom was diagnosed with pretty extreme cancer just a few weeks ago. The cancer in her lungs has metastasized, she has lesions on her spine, it's in the lymph nodes and in her ribs. We have been on a complete roller coaster ride. It was all so sudden. First it was all inoperable and then they decided to surgery on her spine since there was a fear of paralysis from the tumors.<br><br>
So, was released from the hospital after spinal surgery and I had spent the week finding a place for her to recuperate before starting aggressive radiation and chemo. She is very independent and active and did not want be in any of our homes. I also visited her every day, met with her Dr’s, scheduled appointments, etc. So I find a nice place, for her move to after her surgery. I spend all day hospital, get her discharged, packed, moved, etc. At 9:00 I am so exhausted form the day and the week I can't even drive myself home so my brother drives me (god love him!).<br><br>
I get home and my husband says he needs to run out to the store. He calls 20 minutes later and informs me that he has decided to meet up with the guys for a quick beer and will home in "15 minutes". He didn’t think he could go (a buddy’s b-day) since I was with my mom but now that I’m home, why not. An hour later he is not home so I go bed. Alone. Sad. Scared. Exhausted.<br><br>
I am so angry and resentful. It would have been nice to have some company and talk about everything. I guess I know where his priorities are….
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
I'm so sorry that your mom is so sick and your dh was not there for you.
 

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Oh hon, I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time. My Dh (who is really a sweet awesome guy!) has done similarly dumb things from time to time. I don't know if yours is like mine, but I think sometimes they just give us <b>too much</b> credit for being strong. Sometimes I just need to be really direct with DH when I need him to be there for me because he just assumes that I can handle anything. Which is flattering (sort-of) but also very frustrating. I hope he can manage to step-up and be there for you going forward. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
The next time you see your DH, you need to talk to him about how your'e feeling and what you need from him right now- with the emphasis on your expectations of him so he can try to meet them.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> You are in such an draining place, both physically and emotionally.<br><br>
I hope you have a chance to talk to your Dh, and that he gets it.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s I"m sorry your mom is sick and i hope your dh comes to understand how much you need him right now. I know when i'm down, i just want my dh to get how much i need from him without explaining it to him. Its the last thing you want when your exhausted and worn out. Your not wrong for wanting or needing attention right now.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm sorry about your mom, I know how emotionally draining it can be. I hope your DH realizes soon that you need his support now more than ever.
 

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I'm so sorry. I've been there -- in 2004 my mom was diagnosed w/ LC. Same time of year, too. Lung cancer is a piece of sh*t.<br><br>
I really wish your husband was more supportive, but some people run when they're scared. My brother did.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/heartbeat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="heartbeat">
 

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Yuck! That's not fair. My mom coordinated all the care for both my grandma & my great grandma, so I understand how draining that can be. He should have been there for you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Hugs to you! Please do yourself a favor & talk to him about it.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>onlyzombiecat</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9902899"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
I'm so sorry that your mom is so sick and your dh was not there for you.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
I hope you are able to talk to him about it and that he is able to understand what you need.
 

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Like Andreac said, I think when you are going so strong and handling everything so well, it often doensn't occur to men that you really don't have it all together and actually need them.<br><br>
I'm sorry about your mom, that has to be tough. I hope you're able to sit and talk to your dh and explain how you feel.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I'm so sorry. Cancer sucks.<br><br>
I think you're both feeling overwhelmed right now, and wanting a break.<br><br>
Tell your DH how you feel and what you need from him right now. But don't be too hard on him, I'm sure he's having a tough time right now too.
 

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so sorry! I'd be pissed off, too.<br><br>
I know with my DH that he has real problems with thinking things through. Like, something will seem like fun/ a good idea at the time and he doesn't think through all the logical consequences -- do we have snacks for DS or is there a place to get him something to eat? does DW need the groceries now? will the milk spoil in the car? have I spent time with DW in the last week?, etc. Actually, I think he's kind of like a toddler! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
At any rate, I think that your DH was thoughtless, but that he was probably thinking, "cool, i actually can hang out with buddies. I've been home with the kids so much because DW has been with her mom, it will be nice to be out for a bit and DW probably wants to rest." without thinking, "DW maybe needs my comfort and love." My guess is that it wasn't badly intentioned, just not well-thought out.<br><br>
I hope your mom is ok and please take care of yourself.
 

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How uncaring. How lonely you must have felt.<br><br>
So what if he was with the kids all the time you were with your mother? They are his children too. Your mother being so ill is a major thing, and his place is with you and the kids, and not with "the guys".<br><br>
How would he feel if his mother or father were so ill and you decided to go galivanting with "the girls"? I mean, you were tired and probably told him so. Even if he is not the hand-holding type, he could at least stayed home and been there.<br><br>
I guess this just hits too close to home for me. My grandfather died in 2000. A week before, he was admitted to the local hospice ward and I took over one night for my grandma, who had not left his side. My husband stayed at home with our children. When I got home, he did not just take off to drink. He knew I would be exhausted. He cared for our kids and the house, etc. He was not overly sympathetic or hand-holding, but I knew he was there. He also kept things going on Christmas morning, for our kids, when I had to get up to the hospice, where my grandpa died ten minutes after I arrived. (our children were too young to be there)<br><br>
My DH is not a perfect angel, but I will never forget how he was there for me when I needed him for that horrible time in my life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thanks mama's. I am feeling much better (and more supported) today. I think he is scared too. It has been such a rollercoaster. Again, thank you for all your kind words. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I know my DH is totally capable of doing that, and it's entirely lack of thought, not lack of caring. Sometimes a talk will help, but with my DH it would not -- I could tell him in the morning that I was hurt when he spent all night chatting with his friends instead of whatever it was, and the next evening he would do it again -- what he needs is to be told right then and there. So if my DH had called in that circumstance and said he had decided to meet up with some friends, I would have said no, I really need you tonight. Would that have caused resentment?
 

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hugs. i'm so sorry for your mom, but don't give up hope. my father has cancer and my family has been riding the cancer rollercoaster for 11 years. metastatic, complete remission, metastatic, partial remission, metastatic, more chemo...<br><br>
the initial diagnosis is tough and i can imagine that you really needed some special consideration from your husband. like others have suggested, you should talk to him about it. maybe not in the sense that you had these expectations that he didn't live up to the other night, but more like let him know that you'll be needing extra care/attention from time to time and that you'll be asking him for it. ask for what you need, otherwise he won't know.<br><br>
similarly, my DH is often doing/saying inappropriate things and i get frustrated too. i think the PP is right, it's not a lack of caring or compassion. and you should tell him when it happens. i tell my DH and he's actually really good about it. i'm finding it kind of endearing, cause he can at least admit that he's awkward and doesn't always think. and i think most of my female friends would say the same about their spouses.<br><br>
and once things settle down, heading out the door for drinks won't seem like such an inappropriate thing to do. i don't always share everything about my dad's health with my DH because honestly the news fluctuates between good and bad almost daily. for me, it's nice to have a semblance of normalcy between us and a chance to not think about it.
 
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