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Is my approach to hbac too extreme??

712 Views 9 Replies 8 Participants Last post by  LadyButler
So I found out today that dh thinks my approach to this whole thing is "extreme". I'm a bit baffled by that and thought I'd check in with other mamas on the hbac path to see how they are preparing for it.


learning to see birth as normal by reading (Ina May, Henci Goer etc.), perusing birth stories & photos

researching statistics on interventions and complications, sharing info with hubby in small doses

feeling that this is a HUGE journey for me as a woman and a mother, and trying to do things that will help me through whatever happens - resolving some of my fear and anger about how I was misled into my primary c/s, resolving self-doubt and guilt over choosing an ERC for my second child

asking for a circle of peaceful support and that we maintain privacy about our birth choices to keep stressful opposition away from me/us while I gestate (not pg yet)

Dh doesn't get the part where it's huge change/process for me... I think his take may be "why is is such a big deal, you decide on it and you do it". He has no concept of the cultural opposition to natural birth, much less vbac.

Also, that last one about keeping our choices private - dh reacted to that badly, I am getting that he thinks I don't trust his ability to have common sense & not be influenced if people have opposing opinions - I am concerned about that not because I don't trust him; I don't trust them not to add stress to his very fragile new acceptance of a possible hbac - it's about maintaining our stress-free, FEAR-free zone.

I'm having trouble seeing how I'm too extreme. Admittedly I am probably biased. I don't know what else would be "less extreme" and still be productive. What are you/did you do to prepare you & your partner for your vbac??
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Your educating yourself and learning to TRUST IN YOUR BODY!

My first suggestion to you is too get a doula, someone you can count on you be your support 100%!!
You CAN do this!

We did end up taking a birthing class with this AWESOME midwife who has been doing the class for like 30 yrs! She was GREAT!
I mainly just researched my butt off and prayed a lot for God to give me strength.
I also had a lot of positive quotes/Bible verses all throughout my house the weeks prior to labor.

Some things that really helped were remembering to take each contraction at a time.

"The power and intensity of your contractions cannot be stronger than you, because it is you."

You can do it mama!
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How is making sure you're well prepared for one of the most important experiences in your life, and your child's life, extreme? I'm not seeing it, I'm afraid! You're doing what EVERY woman SHOULD do but almost no one does hence why we need to do so much work around VBAC after our (usually) unnecessary surgery... I look upon it as potentially lifesaving! You go for it!!
I have heard of some people reporting to CPS mamas who have unassisted home births. I would be afraid that someone would report a home VBAC to CPS, so when we have one for our second birth some day, we plan to lie to most people and tell them we are going thru the free standing birth center where we were with DD. I don't feel guilty about this since it will be protecting my baby and in the Bible, the midwives in Exodus lied about the Hebrew women giving birth quickly in order to protect the babies - the midwives had been told to kill them.

So how is that for a good reason to keep things private??!!
PS - MY DD is 9 months and I have already done sooooooooo much to look into how to prevent a c-section for hte next birth. We won't go to the birth center again, because they are required to use the hsptl backup for a VBAC and I wnat to stay as far away from the hsptl as possible. I have found a midwife I like, talked to them on the phone already and everything. Oh, and the midwife congratulated me several times for looking into all of this so soon and allowing that to be part of the healing process. She said many women don't think about it at all til they are already pregnant again and then it's harder to process it all and make the best decisions. So consider yourself congratulated by a great midwife!!!
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I think its hard for men to understnd the birthing process in general. I also think that it is very scary for them. I think my DS saw the c/s, which seemed so easy, that it was hard for him to understand my reasoning for wanting a HB. Just try to explain how important this is to you and your reasoning, hopefully it will sink in quickly.
Thanks for the encouragement mamas, it is such a process I am in... kind of feels like I jumped into a river that is carrying me along. Never quite know what is going to be around the next bend.


Originally Posted by InochiZo
I think its hard for men to understnd the birthing process in general. I also think that it is very scary for them. I think my DS saw the c/s, which seemed so easy, that it was hard for him to understand my reasoning for wanting a HB. Just try to explain how important this is to you and your reasoning, hopefully it will sink in quickly.

Yes, I got a sense of that too, that on the outside, it looked as if I flip-flopped suddenly from "oh, just schedule a c/s" to "no way am I having unnecessary surgery!" all of a sudden. Little does he know that the seeds of this change have been sprouting for nearly fifteen years since my primary c/s!!

I guess each man has his own limit of how deeply he will comprehend/get involved in his wife's journey through pregnancy & birth. Maybe my expectations are high, or maybe it's too early to tell... he has never failed me and I would be shocked if he didn't come thru with flying colors this time too. Right now though, it's a struggle so I'm stressed. I'm trying to bring him along and try to prepare him with the basics but it's like getting my three year old to let me brush his teeth. lol (no offense to DH, I know it's his way to take his sweet time with everything).

I would be afraid that someone would report a home VBAC to CPS
See, I'd rather just keep our plans to ourselves other than individuals I know who are supportive... and I don't think that would be hard to do, last pregnancy I can't recall anyone asking pointed questions about things, so not a problem to avoid... but if I laid out a reason like that, it could be construed as a good reason to go to the hospital!! DH understands all to well what a life disruption legal trouble is and it is a very sensitive spot.
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Extreme? NOOOOOOO! You are doing what is necessary to prepare your body and your brain for what is to come. Everything you are doing now will help you to overcome the prejudices, guilt (that probably doesn't even belong to you), and trauma that you obviously experienced. It will help you solidify in your own mind WHY you want a VBAC and HOW you are going to accomplish it. You still have processing to do. You are arming yourself for the possibility of getting resistence from a potential caregiver (if you decide not to do h/b or if you end up with a transfer for some reason). You want to give yourself and your baby the best chance you can to avoid major abdominal surgery--especially if it's not necessary.

The most difficult part of VBAC IMO is overcoming our own mental issues about it. Feeling like we were failures in the past, feeling like vaginal births are for "other" women, wondering if we can actually do it. The research you are doing is helping you stop thinking these things and to fully understand what normal birth is and to convince yourself that you CAN do this.

No, I do not think you are being extreme.

I will agree with pp that men generally do not "get" birth, nor do they understand why a VBAC can be so important to some women, nor do they understand why a woman needs to process a lot of this stuff. There are exceptions, but my experience has been that women help women give birth much better than men are able to.

Definitely, GET A DOULA regardless of whether your dh is supportive in labor or not. Her experience and assistance will be invaluable. They can work together to help you during crunch time.

Keep us posted on your journey!
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I dont think that is extreme. I think it is part of the journey to a natural, fear-free joyful birth. Giving birth is a much bigger deal to women (and I might add- to some women more than others) than it is to men. Which is probably a good part of the reason for so many c/s... it shouldnt affect us anyway, right? I dont think men (and a lot of women) see it as a spiritual journey- they see it as a physical event only.

You're definitely not extreme... I did the same thing.
That being said, I don't think that you'd be all that odd if you were feeling the way your dh suggested either- just make up your mind and do it sort of thing.

Whatever you feel like you need to do is what is right! You can do it!
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