[dharmama]

I've been really struggling with my 26 month old DD for several months (definitely aggrivated by my pregnancy crankiness...and then the craziness of second baby's arrival).

I've been reading here and taking

: like crazy. Reading books that have been helpful (Becoming the Parent you want to be; Your two year old, terrible or tender). Journaling every night. Talking with friends. REALLY, REALLY trying to be proactive, see things from her perspective, create situations where she can be successful, avoid putting her in situations that I know are too challenging (we stopped going out to dinner....switched to picnics in the park etc.)

BUT...

With all of that said. I still constantly feel like no matter how much I give her, it's. just. never. enough.

This morning, for example, the day started well. She and I took a shower. Dried off and snuggled and nursed. I read 3 books with her and then said...one more book and then mama needs to get dressed and dry her hair. She had a total meltdown because she wanted me to draw with her...woke up her brother...I felt angry and trapped and frustrated that she can't seem to appreciate the half an hour I just spent snuggling and loving and nursing and reading to her and that it's always MORE, MORE, MORE....went in the bathroom and slammed the door (very immature I know

) And the

: cycle started again.

She needs me (or DH at night) to lie down with her for at least 30 minutes to fall asleep for her nap. I have no problem doing that but she also insists on pinching, kneading, rubbing, stroking....just touch, touch, touching me the whole time.

: So many times I just lose it. After asking nicely in as many ways as I can think of...Please don't pinch mommy. That hurts. Please stop. It does not feel good when you do that. I just want to scream STOP TOUCHING ME AND GO TO SLEEP! (Which unfortunately I have done more than a few times.

)

Many times I have described her to friends as "delightful but difficult." And lately I feel like if she could climb back in my uterus, she would. It's like she just can;t get enough of me. (And please keep in mind that I make time for "special mama-Lily time" every day when the baby is sleeping, in the evening when DH comes home and once a week, she and I go off and do something fun - playground, park, beach etc. - just thr two of us.)

She is so bright and sweet and funny and social and smart....and yet she just sucks energy right out of me, which is affecting our whole family (and even my extended family because I feel like I am asking for so much support all the time).

So two nights ago I picked up Dr. Sear's "Parenting the Fussy Baby and High Needs Child"...a friend had given me her copy along with a bunch of other baby stuff and I had tossed it aside because I didn't feel I had a fussy baby or high needs child.

But OMG! As I was reading the descriptions of the children I was like...Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

That is TOTALLY my DD.

So now I'm sitting here with this new information and it kind of feels good...like a validation. Oh ok. This is who she is. She is "high needs." I'm not totally

for being overwhelmed by caring for her.

But at the same time, I go. So what. So now I have a name for it. I still have to figure out how to get through my days without feeling so drained all the time. And most importantly, I have to figure out a way for her to be who she is without the rest of our family getting trampled and having our needs pushed aside in order to maintain peace in our house.

Anyway...if you've made it this far. Thanks.

Just wondering what others thoughts are on "high needs" children. Any advice? Empathy? Anyone disagree with label entirely? Love to hear any/all thoughts.

Thanks.

~Erin

 

[Magella]

As the mother of a high-needs, spirited, challenging child I sympathize. I am often, like daily, overwhelmed by being my child's mother. Her cup never stays full for long, and filling it up can feel like a herculean task. And it isn't just that she needs lots of connection, she has needs relating to behavioral difficulties as well which take up a lot of time and energy. She's very intense all around. I also love being her mother, and have learned so much from her. She is a lot of fun, and very loving, and amazing to be around.

I think it's so important when parenting a high-needs child to take good care of yourself and to ask for help. It is just not possible for me to meet all my child's needs all by myself every single day without burn-out. I have to make time every single day-even 5 minutes-to take care of myself in some way.

I've also had to accept that even in the worst moments, this is how it is. Sometimes there is no figuring out how to not feel drained, sometimes it feels like there is no balance between her needs and everyone else's. And at those times it's best to just remember that it is what it is, and it will change. The next moment or the next day might feel so easy and blissful. Take it as it comes.

I have found that with a high-needs child it is very important to learn to think waaaaaaay outside the box. Get really creative. It is necessary to survival to be open to changing the way I think about parenting, about kids, about life. It's a wild and amazing ride. It's scary and frustrating. It's blissful and beautiful. It is a gift. My high-needs, challenging child has taught me things that a more mellow, easy-going child would not likely have required me to learn (I say this having two younger, more mellow kids who are way easier to parent)-and for that I am deeply grateful.

And too, labels are handy for discussion boards and a description or definition can help us understand our kids a little better sometimes, and descriptions and labels can lead us to an "aha!" moment that is really helpful. But your child is just your child. She is who she is. See her for who she is, don't get too focused on her difficult behaviors or needs or traits. I can get too hung up on my child's challenging aspects at times, and it's not helpful at all. When I let it go and just see her, we both have a much easier time.

Take care.

Is there something else she can touch and twiddle while going to sleep? Something that provides a similarly comforting sensory experience?

 

[RootBeerFloat]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sledg And too, labels are handy for discussion boards and a description or definition can help us understand our kids a little better sometimes, and descriptions and labels can lead us to an "aha!" moment that is really helpful. But your child is just your child. She is who she is. See her for who she is, don't get too focused on her difficult behaviors or needs or traits. I can get too hung up on my child's challenging aspects at times, and it's not helpful at all. When I let it go and just see her, we both have a much easier time.

I was reflecting on how to respond to your post when I read this and thought, yep, that's exactly what I was thinking. DD is also very high needs, super touchy clingy, although things are somewhat easier right now than they have been in the past (I'm sure we're just gearing up for the next challenging cycle, though). I snorted a little at your description of going to sleep, we have a major pinching, petting, kicking, squirming, biting, pushing, smooshing extravaganza going on at our house during bedtime right now. The pinching especially drives me crazy because it hurts like heck. It's sent me screaming from the room on more than one occasion, and I'm not proud of that, but better go to collect myself than scream at or hit hurt with all of my frustration.

I'm at my best with dd when I am mindful and present of the two of us. Taking time to breathe, to really observe her and focus on what her behaviors tell me that she needs. That's all--it's so simple, but so not at the same time. It's a hard practice because it means setting aside my agenda and just being, but it has liberated me to enjoy our relationship and learn how to live our lives together. Somehow, when I slow down and take my time and release my noisy mind ("just get off me for 5 seconds so i can wipe my butt!!!! argh!!!!"), I get a ton more done and we're all happier at the same time.

I'm sure you have little time for reading, but my parenting practice has been supported tremendously by reading books by Aletha Solter--Tears and Tantrums and Helping Young Children Flourish are appropriate to your dd's age range. Her work really helped me value and support dd's emotions and how she expresses them, and it helped us communicate so much better. Also Everday Blessings by the Kabat-Zinns, which is a primer on the practice of mindfulness in parenting and is just fantastic.

I've also found some relief in nontraditional healing. Our osteopath has remarked several times about what an intensely "wired" system my dd has, especially in her head and the back of her neck. We have seen some relief from that. Also in the use of Bach Flower Remedies, which were recommended to me by my acupuncturist and are used by many homeopaths/naturopaths. We use heather, just a drop or two in the am and during the day if it's a rough day, to treat separation anxiety. We've both found it very helpful.

 

[annarosa]

at 26 months old I am not surprised that she wants more of you - high needs or not
for the snuggling scenario I have fallen into the same trap of expecting my dd to be 'satisfied' with time I have spent with her and therefore allow me/not react to me doing something else (as with your shower scenario)
what I realise more and more is that she is not going to set the limits for herself - in fact it is MY job to set the limits and then deal well with the fall out/reaction from her - whether this is a tantrum or something like it
so, when you do go for your shower - just go for the shower and if she screams, throws herself on the floor, begs for more reading, more cuddling etc. then have your strategy worked out and just stick to your guns
that way she will also learn slowly about limits and have some boundaries to push against - I do not consider my dd to be high needs but she really does need firm and consistent limits (and fair ones and ones that I change sometimes)

 

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Everything Sledg said!

Also, I would like to suggest that sometimes we find a label for our child and then tend to write off their behavior - "Oh, she's high needs. I just need to live through this moment; its the way it is." There's a lot of truth to this, sometimes all you CAN do is live through the moment.

But I think its also important to be constantly looking for what is going on behind the behavior. Some of the behavior you have described sounds like a child that needs a great deal of specific sensory stimulation. Pinching, kneading, rubbing, stroking might be indicative of sensory needs. Maybe you could set aside 20 minutes close to bedtime for playing with Play-doh together. Perhaps she would respond well to deeper-type oil massage.

Its possible that her cup never gets filled, but its also possible in the example you gave, that the problem was with the transition, not the amount of one-on-one time you previously gave her. Maybe her cup DID get filled, but it was the transition from time with mom to time without mom that sent her over the top. Maybe there is a way you can give warnings beginning ten minutes or so before the activity you are doing with her ends. Maybe there is a task you can transition her to that will keep her focused for a few minutes while you do what you need to do. Bring the crayons and paper into the bathroom with you, and ask her to draw a cat.

And absolutely you are entitled to feel a bit bonkers when dealing with a child with high needs. Its so hard sometimes. You aren't even allowed to be in your own head much of the time.

 

[Magella]

I can't stop thinking about your post, dharmama. I agree with everything ally'smom said. It's so important to be present and aware. In this present moment. I want to clarify what I meant by saying essentially "this moment is what it is" and implying that sometimes you just get through it. I don't mean that the point is to not work toward change, I don't mean giving up. I mean what ally'smom said about being present-that rather than listen to the story in my head about what I'm not getting and how I wish this moment were different, it's helpful to accept it, be fully present to it. Often that's all it takes to see what I need to do to help my child or myself or both of us-that awareness is what allows me to understand what's going on behind the behavior. And it's what's behind the behavior that's most important. The reason. How we understand the behavior guides our response to it. Sometimes it's our understanding that must shift in order to help our child. And sometimes we won't understand, not in the moment anyway, and we'll muddle through as best we can-and that's okay too.

And I like BellinghamCrunchie's point that maybe it isn't that your dd didn't get enough attention, but that she has difficulty moving from being with mom to not being with mom. That can be a difficult shift, and if that's what she's having difficulty with you can likely find ways to help her make that shift. And it's one example of how sometimes it's helpful to look at things from one or several different angles in order to understand or cope.

And I also agree that you are allowed to feel bonkers, frustrated, angry, exasperated. It's hard work.

 

[WuWei]

I agree with these ladies. I too have a high-needs, high-intensity, sensory-seeking son. Practicing mindfulness has helped me to become present in the moment more of the time. Normally, I would actually be living in the next moments: "I need to do a, b, c, d, e, f, g....." This is a difficult thought process to breakout of; however our *in the moment* son intensely needs me in the moment with him (at times). Helping with transitions is HUGE in our home. By helping ds move *toward* something, he isn't left trying to figure out what to do "without mama". I will facilitate the transition and then do what *I* need to do once he is occupied. Proactively providing for his sensory needs is critical too.

I heard a saying once "Mindfulness is the opposite of multi-tasking". It seems so true, yet so hard to practice as a mother since we always have 100 things that we "need to do". When I do bring myself into the *present* moment, the next moments are amazingly more peaceful and the transitions are easier. I believe it is the *connection* with our son during the transition which allows him to not feel like he needs to flail to reconnect when we move on to something else. He seems to feel connected longer, when I help him with the transitions to being without mama. Over time, (he is 5.2) he has gained skills in suggesting 'I'll go do abc' or 'I want to do xyz next'. Or he will suggest 'I'll do abc, while you are doing that'. I have modelled making the transition *toward* something and he has learned to do the same. But, until age 4? he couldn't do this independently. He would just feel "left" when I went to do something that I needed to do, especially if we had just been having fun.

Oh, it also helps me to be present in the moments that I am taking as "me time" also. If I am drying my hair and thinking "I need to make some sandwiches, and oh, we are out of milk, I'll need to stop by the store on the way, and where are those shoes, oh, yea, I'll need to get an extra yada, yada, yada" my mind is NOT peaceful and I don't feel present in the moment. Being mindful is a practice. It seems that we need to have that chatter going on so that we can remember everything we need to do. But, I have found that if/when I do have that peaceful time thinking 'hmmm...I am having some quiet time, I am drying my hair, oh the sun is streaming in through that window, I didn't realize how the leaves made a pattern on the wall at this time of day, my hair is getting longer, I have some split ends, it feels refreshing to have these moments to think about my breathing', I am much more refreshed when I am aware. Then I don't feel so frazzelled to remember everything, life just flows more calmly when my mind is calm.

HTH, Pat

 

[naturegirl7]

No real advice - just wanted to let you know I am with ya! Proud but drained, and often at my wits end mama to a very spirited, very demanding, very strongwilled, and yes high needs 14mo little boy - that's me. LOL

The part of your post that really got me was the sleepy time ritual of abusing mama. We got thru that here every nap and bedtime. Actually he pinches EVERY time he nurses - often he pinches tiny little bits of breast and pinches so hard that he breaks the skin - since this pincing and drawing blood thing started, I ended up getting thrush; and I can't help but wonder if it is because of the battlewounds he inflicted.... I tried nursing necklaces, but he gets SO interested in them that he refuses to nurse and only wants to play with teh necklace and try to suck on it - and freak out and have a melt down when I won't allow him to suck and chew on it.

Weirdest thing - he doesn't pinch, bite, kick, smack across the face, etc DH - only me. And I have to wonder WHY????

The tantrums, peristent attempts to get things, impossibly high energy level, teh incredibly vocal demands - I can handle that pretty well - but the abusive behavior is killing me. I loose my patience so quickly. I have tried the "it's not nice, you are hurting mama route" only to have him laugh at me. AHHHHHH!!!!!! I started putting him down and walking away - just like I did when I was teaching him not to bite while nursing....but now it doesn't seem to have the same effect on him.

Sorry to hijack - but know you are not alone in this!!!!

 

[dharmama]

Thanks mamas!!! You are all amazing!

I am so grateful for this forum and such thoughtful, insightful, compassionate mamas to discuss these challenges with.

I need to go back and read all of your responses again so I can reply to specifics...there were so many things that really clicked with me....but it's late and I'm tired so I just wanted to say thanks.

DD is with my parents tonight. I talked to her on the phone a couple of hours ago and I was almost in tears...happy tears...I could totally hear and appreciate the amazing person that she is...something I feel like I've been missing because all my energy has been going towards just getting through the day...or the afternoon...or the next 5 minutes.

While we were having dinner tonight, I told DH that I think I definitely need time away from her to recharge. Even just a couple of hours a week...it's something I rarely get but I think getting away from each other would help me to be more present the rest of the time we're together.

Oh and thanks for the book recommendations. I LOVED Everyday Blessings (I even e-mailed Jon Kabat-Zinn to tell him so and got a nice response from him) but I think it's definitely time to re-read it!!

More when I can. Thanks again.

 

[Suzetta]

Your dd sounds very much like my oldest dd.

I look at it this way...some day she'll be older and seperate from me. I just know that this will make me more sad than relieved.

As difficult and draining as it can sometimes be, I try to satisfy her need to be close to me as much as possible. I do, however, attempt o crate a balance for her and help her learn about personal space.

 

[gaialice]

I struggle with labels, and I never wanted to label my eldest dd by anything but her beautiful first name Gaia, the earth goddess and in her there is everything, the spirited, the peaceful, the greedy and the compassionate and everything in between, like in any of us really. I know that there are other kids who are more mellow and indeed my dd2 is. At times I really do get sooo frustrated with dd1, though, and I love the advice from Sledg and Scubamama. Thanks for the wise words....
I too struggle accepting dd1 for just the joy she is and to accept she is different from me and that I need to grow out of my present boundaries to be in real profound contact with her and fill her cup....
For example I can really reach out to dd1 by being physical (jogging, jumping, doing a workout video on TV, swimming) yet I am really lazy myself and so much more enjoy just sitting back and daydreaming with dd2. But then, really, as other moms said, what a great gift it is I have dd1! If it were for me and dd2, there would be less of a need and an incentive for me to grow as a person, for instance, no need for healthy and powerful exercise. I mean this is an example but I think if we find one of our children tries our patience, it is often that their bodies and minds are wired differently from ours. When I am at my best - I really do see this as an opportunity life has given me to see I am myself capable of much more than I think I am.

 

[ellesmama]

Your post really got me thinking, and it reminded of an article I read on the Continuum Concept webpage about a mother who felt her dd was becoming increasingly 'angry' and their relationship more disharmonious, despite the fact that she, like you, did everything in her power for her dd. She bf on cue, had a family bed, GD'd etc....

The author pointed to child-centeredness as the cause of the problem. She thinks that children come into this world ready to follow/learn/look to adults and when adults turn it around on them, children get increasingly frustrated.

http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...ngHarmony.html

I know its a different take than most would have on this board, but I do think there is something to it.

(I'm in the process of deciding whether or not it would apply to me and my dd as well)

 

[WuWei]

And here is an alternative article by Scott Noelle about being attuned and attentive from a CC pov: http://www.scottnoelle.com/parenting/child-centered.htm. I believe that attached parents, like Scott, are more aware of this nuance than Leidloff, a non-mother, viewing the tribe with her Western paradigm of "Control" and Leadership.

Hope this helps to balance Leidloff's inexperienced pov.

Pat

 

[wendyland]

Thanks for your post. I could have written it myself except for the part about pinching/hitting at sleep time. Sophie will be 3 in December and I feel very drained by her. She's constantly asking for a snack, drink, or is fighting with her sister. I'm also pregnant right now and exhausted. She also has trouble sleeping through the night. My first slept so well. I'm perplexed by how to get her to stay asleep in her own bed. I can't sleep when she's in my bed.

I think it's mostly the age and that she's very much a free spirit and a smart kid. It seems like my oldest daughter got a lot easier once she got closer to 4. Sounds like we'll both have to bear with it and give them the support they need to be independent kids!

 

[dharmama]

sledge ~ Thank you so much for your post!

Quote:

But I think its also important to be constantly looking for what is going on behind the behavior. Some of the behavior you have described sounds like a child that needs a great deal of specific sensory stimulation. Pinching, kneading, rubbing, stroking might be indicative of sensory needs. Maybe you could set aside 20 minutes close to bedtime for playing with Play-doh together. Perhaps she would respond well to deeper-type oil massage.

Great point. So you're thinking that if I gave her some more sensory experiences during the day, maybe she wouldn't need to pinch so much as she's falling asleep. Definitely worth a try. I was also thinking of introducing bee's wax to her for something she can work in her hands.

Ally'sMom ~ We're using homeopathy too. We're working with Pulsatilla for DD right now.

annarosa ~ We have been working on setting some limits. Both DH and I leave her alone (standing just outside her room) when she is really out of control. She will cry, kick, pound the door. We only stay out there about a minute (just enough to breathe and regroup) and then go in and ask her if she's ready to lie down (if the tantrum is happening at nap/bedtime). *Most* of the time she will settle down at that point. Some days we may have to leave several times. At first I had a really hard time leaving and letting her cry alone but I'm also realizing that I have to accept and respect our limitations as parents.

Pat ~ SO many good reminders about being in the moment. I know this is something I will struggle with for years to come. The more times I can hear/read it the better!

naturegirl7 ~ I feel your pain mama. If I come up with a solution for the pinching etc. I will certainly share it with you!!

Quote:

I look at it this way...some day she'll be older and seperate from me. I just know that this will make me more sad than relieved.

Great reminder! THanks.

Quote:

I too struggle accepting dd1 for just the joy she is and to accept she is different from me and that I need to grow out of my present boundaries to be in real profound contact with her and fill her cup.... For example I can really reach out to dd1 by being physical (jogging, jumping, doing a workout video on TV, swimming) yet I am really lazy myself and so much more enjoy just sitting back and daydreaming with dd2. But then, really, as other moms said, what a great gift it is I have dd1! If it were for me and dd2, there would be less of a need and an incentive for me to grow as a person, for instance, no need for healthy and powerful exercise. I mean this is an example but I think if we find one of our children tries our patience, it is often that their bodies and minds are wired differently from ours. When I am at my best - I really do see this as an opportunity life has given me to see I am myself capable of much more than I think I am.

Really powerful. Thank you.

Haven't read the articles yet, but will. Thank you for the links.

wendyland ~ My DD is not a good sleeper either. Some nights she wakes up 5 or more times calling for us...or she walks into our room and climbs in our bed. I really wouldn't mind having her sleep with us except that she can't just sleep with us....she pinches, pulls, fidgets, kicks, climbs over, under etc. Oh and I especially feel for you being pregnant. I remember those days of primal exhaustion.

Really, really appreciate all the thoughtful responses.

 

[WuWei]

Here is a recent post of mine regarding food and behavior. This is a huge variable in our lives. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=505243

Pat

 

[teachma]

Lots and lots of hugs and strength to all of you...I have parented a very challenging boy for six years now. On his birthday, just yesterday, I off-handedly remarked to dh, "I feel so old now that I have a 6 year old!" Dh replied, deadpan, "No, what you should feel is thankful, that you survived." We love him dearly, admire and respect his many positive attributes, but feel ourselves completely drained after a day with him. And we didn't fully realize he even was "high needs" until we had the happiest, mellowest daughter. The difference is startling!

 

[DDNemo]

Wow - I don't have any advice. I don't even have children yet!

But I could not resist saying:

I had a 23 year old room mate with so many of the same traits. She had a security blanket that she carried around with her since she was a baby. She HAD to rub it every night to get to sleep. It was full of holes from rubbing on it so much!

She also had a problem with transitions! If we were doing one thing and having fun, it could be TOTALLY ruined for her by one small change in the situation, such as another friend coming over. It did not mater if it was a friend she liked.. the change was just too abrupt for her to handle and she would withdrawl into herself or leave. In a little bit she might warm up to the situation again, but sometimes not. She was also very needy and jealous of my time. (we had lived together for a number of years and were very close) Her mother always would joke about how she was the hardest of her girls to raise. She's a great girl but people have to have patience to get to know her. I just thought it was cute how she sooo fits this thread.

Thanks for letting me share!

 

[WuWei]

Do you know about Highly Sensitive People? http://www.hsperson.com/ There is also a link (and quiz) about highly sensitive children: http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm

And a tribe "Mothering your highly sensitive child": http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ight=sensitive

Pat

 

[brendamr]

Re: the pinching, kneading, stroking at bedtime.

Have you tried holding her in the spoon position (you behind her) and giving her a blanket or pillow to spoon herself? If it works, it would provide her with your presence and touch, but directs her own need for touching to something other than your tender skin. Some children are overwhelmed by the feeling, and it clearly doesn't work for them.

I noticed that it really helped me when I used to care for my very strong, stubborn, wonderful baby cousin and I've used it with varying results with different children.