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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all! Ok, here is the thing. I am buying hubby his first tatoo for father's day. He wants something with our ds's name on it. I told him that I didn't think that was a good idea. I have a dd from a previous marriage. She spends the majority of her year with us (and 2 months with her father). Hubby said that he wasn't going to include her name in this tatoo that the wants. I don't think that dd will understand and feel left and unloved. Hubby says that she isn't his *daughter* (we have arguments about this a great deal). He treats her great and with a great deal of love, but says that it isn't the same as the way he feels about ds.

So, is this something that I should fight? It's sad to me, but that is a topic for another thread.
 

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It's not really fair to expect him to feel about your child the way he feels about the child you share, but if I'm honest, I would feel hurt just like you are.

How about trying to convince him not to use *either* name? Or, if he does use your ds's name, and your dd says something, I would tell her to ask your husband why...

(sorry, I'm in a bad mood today..lol)
 

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I think your issue is valid, although I personally would not have the same issue.

But if it bugs ya this much, what about getting a symbol for his son instead of the name? When I had my miscarriage, I didn't get my daughters name, but the chinese character for "Spirit"...maybe a character or symbol for child or something...? Just a suggestion.
 

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I would suggest that he gets the tattoo he wants *and* one w/DDs name or that symbolizes you as a family, whatever too.

Does he have specific ideas? Maybe we could suggest some incorporation of initials/dates/etc... that he would like.
 

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Speaking as someone's step child with a sibling from the union of my mom with stepdad, it would have hurt me terribly as a child. It's not my fault who my biological parents are. It would seem to me that when your dh married you, he accepted fully all that came with you. For him to now express limits on his love for your daughter because she is not his flesh and blood is selfish and immature. Do adoptive parents love their adopted children any less then their biological? By and large no.... I know several families like this and you would never know who is adopted based on the love that is expressed to all the children. My stepfather seemed to feel threatened by the fact that my father was someone else. As I have grown I realize that much of his behavior was immature and perhaps he was not ready for such a relationship.
So don't protest if dh gets his tatoo the way he wants, but don't pay for it. It is his body and he can put what he wants on it. Just remember your daughter is your daughter and she deserves to know that you aren't supporting someone that works to exclude her from the safety of her home. Sorry, but I am speaking passionately as a child that went through such a relationship.
 

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Do you plan on having more kids? If so, perhaps he should get a "themey" tatoo that can be added onto with future children. Or, like CMM suggested a symbol instead of initials.

I'm picturing something like a frog for each child or something like that?
 

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I don't know if the feelings he has for the respective kids matters as much as the fact that you are getting it for him for father's day. If your dd sees him as her dad, then it doesn't seem right and I wouldn't be paying for it for this occasion. I think that if your daughter is going to be upset it isn't a good idea.

Kaly
 

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I think you have a valid concern. Don't pay for a name tattoo.

I am also not a huge fan of name tattoos, even names of children. I have a good friend who is an awesome tattoo artist and he will not do names at all. People with name tattoos frequently return to have the name covered up. Yes, even the names of their children, step children, foster children, grandchildren...

Love of family can be commemorated in a tattoo without names, so the tattoo doesn't name names. Make sense? I wouldn't pay for the tattoo, but I wouldn't press dh to put your dc's name on him if he doesn't want to.
 

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i once had a male friend who had his daughter's name tatooed on his shoulder ... which was different from his wife's name, of course ... so you can imagine all the beef he got about it! people see a name and assume it's a lover/partner. so you might mention that to him and see if he'll choose a symbol/character tat instead
i love the idea of little frogs or other animals for each child!

i want to get one for Willow and as deeply as i love her, i don't feel the need for her name on my skin (it's deeply carved into my heart!). i just want a celtic knot "tree of life" willow tree.
 

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I agree with Yinsum. I grew up with a man who was not my bio father, but was/is my dad. I know deep in my heart that he feels differently about me than about my younger siblings (his bio kids) but he never indicated it in such a blatant way. Such a thing would be really hurtful, and in addition, maybe you should point out to him the potential effect on the relationship between your children. Even if he feels differently about dd than ds, he still cares aboutdd, right? Such a tatto will give dd a strong message that he *doesn't* care about her. If he actively wants to do that, then, well, there's a lot of other issues going on.

If he's dead set on it, I agree, don't be complicit. Let hm pay for it himself. Part of your job as mom is to stand up for and stand with your daughter, right?

so, yeah, it's a very valid issue.
 

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To add to some of the other posts, something like that might also cause resentment between your dd and your ds. If she feels her 'dad' loves her brother more than her, she may become resentful of him or angry at him, kwim?

It would, obviously, in no way be your ds's fault, but it would hurt a hell of alot to know your 'parent' loved your sibling more than you...
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Hubby does treat dd with love, I cannot fault him with this. He hasn't discussed this around dd either. When we talk about it, I tell him that he has two children. Just because he isn't Justice's biodad, he is still her parent and she deserves what that entails. I don't think he understands this very simple concept. He tells me that she has a father. And he is right and Justice is pretty close with (and talks about a great deal) her father. I just don't think that he understands how this would hurt her. In every other area of our *blended* relationship, things are great and *blended* rather well. It's just this one issue and to me it's a biggie.
 

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I like symbol tat's better than names. That way even if he doesn't feel comfortable having a tat for your dd, she never has to know that the other symbol is for ds. I don't think you should push him to get her name or whatever, because wether you agree with it or not, if he doesn't feel the same about her as he does about his son then he shouldn't have her name on his body permanently.

I have tats that are symbolic of my kids. For Ds I have a tat of Kero Beros on my ankle. For Arawyn I have an animee unicorn cat on my arm. I also have her foot prints on the tops of my feet. If ds ever asks why she got two tats and he didn't I will just explain that the footprints are a memorial. Dh has a dragon blowing out a candle for ds and for Arawyn he has her foot prints along with her name and date on his chest. We will add more as we have more kids.
 

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I would be hurt by that too and if it bothers you, don't pay for the tat. You can't force him to have your dd's name tattooed on him and unfortunatly you can't force him to get a symbol instead of your ds's name.
Is it possible that he thinks other people won't understand him getting his step-daughters name put on too? Or that he thinks that it 'just isn't done'? I'm just wondering because I don't understand what the problem with it would be. My husband...although technically step-father to my dd....still had her name included with our son's on his tat. He didn't even think twice about it. Maybe tell him that it isn't all that unusual.

However if the reason is that he doesn't want it on there because he doesn't feel the same way about your dd as your ds (which although sad, is understandable), there isn't much you can do about besides no pay for it. It is his body and his choice.


HTH
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Justice2
I don't think he understands this very simple concept. He tells me that she has a father. And he is right and Justice is pretty close with (and talks about a great deal) her father. I just don't think that he understands how this would hurt her. In every other area of our *blended* relationship, things are great and *blended* rather well. It's just this one issue and to me it's a biggie.
Maybe I should leave this alone. But there are clearly greater issues....resentment of her dad still being in the picture. Not her fault, why make her pay? Justice2 you said earlier that his mentioning that she is not his daughter is the cause of many arguments. Please don't make light of the fact that there are other issues at play.
k I'll be quiet
 

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I agree with pps about the symbol tat being preferable to the name.

I see your point but in truth I do see a little of his too. I'm glad that he treats your DD well when she is with you but I can imagine that it can be painful to always have the " your not my dad" factor under the surface of a relationship - whether that would ever be brought up or not it is still there. This can be especially hard when the bio-father is in the picture and well liked. No matter how close he is to your DD he has a tighter bond that he wants to recognise on his skin with his blood child. While I may not agree with leaving your DD out if you are a close family unit I would not force the issue. Are you interested in getting tattooed yourself?
 
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