[elyice]

I agree.
He loves his child more- that's fine. As long as he treats them the same and acts as if..
but they are BOTH your children and you should not allow one to be hurt.
So tell him NO, and do not pay for it. It does not have to have your childs name on it to be meaningful. He can get something else symbolic.

 

[chersolly]

Standing in your husband's shoes, I can see where he is coming from. Sure, he loves your other daughter, but she has a father and he has a biological child that he shares a special bond with. His body; his choice.

 

[coopnwhitsmommy]

Father and Son

Or

Family

 

[alicia622]

I imagine it could hurt your daughter. Not the tattoo so much as the general point that he loves the other child more than he loves her. As a child, she can't really understand that - but she certainly can feel it. Too bad he couldn't get a tattoo symbolizing the whole family unit.

 

[mountain]

My dh has a tattoo of his 1st daughter's name, and I've also considered getting symbols of my dc...and never considered her. Now that I think about it, I would definitely get some sort of symbol for her, even though she's not my "blood" daughter.

I think it would be really hurtful to only have 1 child's name, but if your dh really feels like this, it is his body. I only hope he considers how much it will burn your dd to be left out. If he would want to make her feel like that consciously, he's got more issues than just a tattoo, IMO.

 

[kirei]

I would not insist that he get your daughter's name in the tattoo as well (although I'm surprised that he refuses).... but I do think it should be both or neither. At least let it be a symbol for your ds, rather than his name. Have you tried to come up with a compromise, at least? I hope he realises that leaving your dd out in such an obvious way is going to hurt her. That needs to be very clear.

 

[zipperump-a-zoomum]

I agree that it's his body.
But I also think that as the adult, he should be the bigger person here. If it would hurt her feelings, he shouldn't do it. Get a symbol now, and add the name when she is way older and more likely not to care.

Kaly

 

[~Nikki~]

Ask him to put himself in your daughter's shoes. As a former step-child (well, technically I'm still one, but step-adult doesn't have the same ring) I can tell you that I would have been terribly hurt to see my step-mother get a tattoo of my half brother and half sister's names, and not add the rest of us. My father and step-mother would actually get family photo's taken of all 7 of us, and then go and get seperate photos done of "the real family" afterwards. It was devestating to us when we found out. It didn't cause resentment towards my half-siblings (they were quite young, and had no choice in the matter, and I was old enough to know that), but just the idea that my step-mother obviously loved them more than us was really hurtful. We felt really second rate.

I'd push for something more family related as a tattoo. I agree with the others who have said that when he took you into his life, he took everything that went along with it...including your child. To put a permanant tattoo on his body, showing the world that he feels otherwise, is bound to be hurtful to your daughter. And I can tell you that 99% of the problems between my step-mother and I while I was going through my teen years (we fought horribly) were because of the family picture thing.

JMO.

 

[Irishmommy]

Moving this to Parents as Partners...

 

[Marsupialmom]

A while back we had a post about calling a step-parent mom or dad. Many people said that they won't want it or like it because they already had a mom/dad.

I can see your dh point but I do think it is foolish for him to get a name tattoo. There is many alternatives.

 

[captain optimism]

I don't think it's a good idea to tattoo your child's name on your body. I just finished reading another self-help book for adult children of parents

. I am just imagining what it will be like for your son when he is a young adult, knowing that his name is tattooed on his dad! It's really a lot of heavy stuff for their relationship to carry! Plus all the stuff about your daughter.

Tattoos are permanent!

It also reminds me too much of the cartoon in The Big Book of Jewish Humor of a little Jewish mother stirring chicken soup with the word "son" tattooed in a heart on her arm. (You know, like people used to get "Mom" tattooed on their arms?)

Heavy guilt tripping potential!

I like Becca's ideas as an alternative.

 

[Greaseball]

I think what's more troublesome than the tattoo is that he doesn't consider your dd to be his daughter. I hear a lot of remarried parents say they do consider the non-bio children to be their children, even if the bio-parents are still in the picture.

I lived with my dad, stepmom and two half-sisters as a teen and it was really hurtful when my stepmom would introduce people and say "These are my daughters, and this is Steve's kid."

It was like I wasn't really one of her family; I just lived there or something. Now she introduces me as her stepdaughter, and my dds as her grandchildren, and it makes a huge difference.

 

[Yinsum]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greaseball I think what's more troublesome than the tattoo is that he doesn't consider your dd to be his daughter. I hear a lot of remarried parents say they do consider the non-bio children to be their children, even if the bio-parents are still in the picture.

Amen to that!!!! The tattoo is the least of your worries.

 

[mamawanabe]

Gosh how horrible for your dd to be so visibly excluded. She is his daughter - his step-daughter . . .

I grew up with an older half-sister - it would have broke her heart if my dad had tatooed his body with me and my brother's names and not hers. She is the only one who still lives in the hometown, and she spends more time/is now closer to my dad than either me or my brother. . .

You and your dh DEFINALTLY need to deal with his role/position as a forever parent to your daughter. Lots of people have two moms and two dads. There is no rule that we only get one.

I agree with everyone that the tatoo is a symptom of the problem but the problem is WAY bigger.

Good luck!

 

[Justice2]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greaseball I think what's more troublesome than the tattoo is that he doesn't consider your dd to be his daughter. I hear a lot of remarried parents say they do consider the non-bio children to be their children, even if the bio-parents are still in the picture. I lived with my dad, stepmom and two half-sisters as a teen and it was really hurtful when my stepmom would introduce people and say "These are my daughters, and this is Steve's kid." It was like I wasn't really one of her family; I just lived there or something. Now she introduces me as her stepdaughter, and my dds as her grandchildren, and it makes a huge difference.

See, that's the thing. The only time he mentions the fact that she has a father is when we talk about the tatoo...
When we meet people, he calls her his daughter. When talking about our future or just things..she is his daughter...like "I really want to do XX because it's really gonna help our kids". It's just the issue of the tatoo. I am thinking too that it might have something to do with his family life growing up. Only his grandparents were not divorced. Every other (including his parents) couple were divorced and maybe he thinks that is going to happen and....Hell, I don't know. I do know that we are going to continue to discuss this because I don't want my dd hurt.

 

[lynsage]

i agree with the other posters who suggested him getting something that is, to him, symbolic of your son, but that doesn't have your son's name on it. as an adult, i can understand how your husband feels, but i doubt your daughter would.

however, please consider getting something that has personal meaning to him and not a chinese or japanese character. many people go this route and end up getting tattoos that either have a different meaning than they are told, or are totally meaningless (the tattoo flash charts in tattoo shops are notorious for being inaccurate).

this site http://www.hanzismatter.com/ has about a jillion examples.

so, what i would suggest is something that has personal meaning to him and your son, maybe an animal they both like or something in nature that they enjoy together. or something that symbolizes fatherhood to your husband.

 

[yaM yaM]

Of course he doesn't have to FEEL the same way about the dc. But IMO, he does have to BEHAVE ('treat them') the same way. Or, rather, come from an equal place; a place of fairness and equality in his approach to them.

Choosing to get a tatoo is a behavior.

Not only will it do the obvious harm to you and your dd if he gets the tatoo with only your son's name, but later, when your son is older, he will more than likely develop shame and guilt at watching his sister be left out (whether from a tatoo or energetically in any other situation or in general). He will not care about her being a 'half' sister. To him, she is simply sister.

Being 'favorite' is a very painful role, as much as being left out or 'second', just in different ways. And it never really does even convince the child that they are the favorite, when they spend years watching a sibling be 'second best'. In their minds, that's a lot of pressure to perform; to maintain the role of favorite or face the chance that they, too, will be rejected and subordinated to 'second.'

 

[mamawanabe]

I don't think a symbol tattoo is the answer either - unless it is so obscure that neither children will ever (and I mean NEVER) understand its meaning. Once its meaning is grasped (and kids are smart, smart) the bad dynamics of which people have talked will become tangible.

He feels differently about his son than his step-daughter. That is human and understandable, but there are MANY emotions that are human and understandable without being kind or fair or right. Our job is to NEVER act on those human but "wrong" emotions.

If he is worried about divorce, talk to him about how important it is that he stay a part of your daughter's life no matter what. It is bad for kids to have adults walk in and out of their life. For two years, my mom dated a man with 9 and 11 year old sons. She stayed in their life after the break-up. Throughout jr. high high school she would take them out for pizza and to this day still sends them cards (though their dad died a couple years ago in an accident).

 

[phathui5]

Quote:

Lots of people have two moms and two dads. There is no rule that we only get one.

A lot of kids (and adults also) do have that mindset. You get two biological parents. That's just how it works. I never considered my step dad my "real" father until I was 16 or 17. And he married my mom when I was four.

 

[Beverly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamawanabe He feels differently about his son than his step-daughter. That is human and understandable, but there are MANY emotions that are human and understandable without being kind or fair or right. Our job is to NEVER act on those human but "wrong" emotions.

I agree 100%. My daughter is not my husband's bio-child, and though he and I haven't really discussed it, I'm sure that deep down he has different feelings for her than he does for the child we have in common. It would be completely unacceptable, however, for him to demonstrate that difference in any way that could be felt by either of the kids, and I couldn't stand by and watch it happen.