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My ILs, whom I love, are have some right wing leanings that personally offend me. My FIL tends to get fired up about whatever the conservative fools on tv are spouting at the time. Lately my ILs have been slipping in advice on how to parent dd. My FIL had a long conversation with dh about how it's ok to spank her. My MIL told me the other day when I was talking about how to get dd to nap on her own without CIO to remember that I "am the boss." Um, yeah, I know I'm in charge here and I could force dd to cry herself to sleep every day, but what I'm looking for is a way to make sleep time pleasant, not stressful. In general, I think they think we're being to soft on dd and she's getting spoiled. I don't agree, but it bugs me that they're thinking this. We visited dh's grandmother last month and I know she thought we were too soft. She even had a conversation with my FIL (her son) about how she thought we should spank. Everything dd did on our visit was perfectly normal for her age. Dh's gm actually said at one point, when dd was asking over and over for great-gm to read to her, "Go ask Daddy. I know he'll give in to you." Give in and read a book? How horrible, we might raise our child to like reading. I guess I'm just venting here. Maybe I need a good comeback, though. I don't want my ILs to think of dd as a brat.
 

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Sounds like you're going to be needing a few useful phrases:<br>
"Thank you, I'll think about that."<br>
"Please address my child respectfully."<br>
"We're fine, would you care for some bean dip?"<br>
"You read that article too? Can you believe anyone would make such a stupid suggestion? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/biglaugh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="laugh">:"<br>
"We are the parents and *we* will handle this."
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>riversong</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7925066"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">In general, I think they think we're being to soft on dd and she's getting spoiled..... I don't want my ILs to think of dd as a brat.</div>
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First, people will ALWAYS disagree with the parenting choices you make, especially if they are different from the choices they made with their kids. I try to brush off "interfering" suggestions by saying something like "I don't think that's the right way for our family, but thanks for your suggestion". Said pleasantly enough, especially with added explanation about YOUR family (like "It's not consistent with what she's used to" or "We find that if we let her get very upset like that, she loses trust in us and it causes more behaviour problems" or whatever), it needn't make people feel defensive about their own parenting choices while at the same time it makes clear that you are the ones in control here and you know your child best and will make decisions for her.<br><br>
Then, I think especially when gets a little older, there will probably be standards of behaviour that grandparents expect that you won't like, and they'll think she's spoiled if she doesn't follow them. In my family, in these kinds of situations we decide what is reasonable and within acceptable limits to us (e.g. having to ask before getting down from the table) and we explain to our ds that at X's house, we do this because X considers it polite and it's good to show respect for others by following these conventions. Things that we don't consider reasonable expectations for him we either try and avoid (e.g. by serving small portions so there isn't an issue about having to clean his plate) or step in before someone says something.
 

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I know that I would probably only be able to say this to my immediate family, not the IL's, but with those kinds of comments, I'd want to respond, "What? You think we're too soft? Well maybe we should start a "hard-lined" reaction now? OK, here goes . . . STOP telling me how to parent my children! How was that, still too soft?"
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm not really sure how to handle the situation ... I deal with similar stuff with my mom and I'm not sure how to handle that either.<br><br>
We were visiting yesterday. Our girls are very active, so we usually just make short visits to Mom's as she doesn't childproof. But yesterday Mom was really wanting to talk about some problems she was having, so we stayed a lot longer than usual, and dh tried to keep the girls happy while Mom talked with me.<br><br>
Toward the end of the visit, Mom was making remarks about my oldest dd's "hyperactivity." I just said that dd enjoys church, but usually is kind of wound up afterwards (she is really active but I don't feel she's hyperactive). And when I was using the bathroom (right before we left) I guess my toddler kicked a chair or something.<br><br>
When I came out, my mom reminded me of how my paternal grandma was all into letting kids express their anger. She used to tell us, "It's okay to kick the furniture, just don't kick people." Mom said it used to make her so mad, when she'd just bought new furniture, to hear Grandma telling us this. She said she thinks this must be what I'm trying to do with my own kids.<br><br>
I just felt so irritated with my mom. I'd spent a lot of time listening to her, as she went into all kinds of details about the past, telling me AGAIN about events I'm already QUITE familiar with ... and then she criticizes my kids (and my parenting) when they get restless.<br><br>
I just said I never tell my girls to kick the furniture, gave her a hug and we left.
 

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What exactly does conservatism have to do with being opposed to gentle discipline? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
There are plenty of conservatives right here at MDC who adhere to NFL and AP. I know a number of liberals who want nothing to do with any type of parenting, much less attachment parenting. I doubt that it's the in-laws political persuasion that is guiding their parenting style.<br><br>
And, I'm listening to Rush Limbaugh right now, and he hasn't said a word about spanking.
 

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Limbaugh doesn't even have kids, so I don't see how he could be giving out childrearing advice, anyway.
 

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Rush Limbaugh has actually made pro-spanking comments, as has Dr. Laura.<br>
The association between being a conservative and being pro-spanking is obviously not a necessary or even typical one, but it's exemplified by some prominent people.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>riversong</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7925066"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My ILs, whom I love, are have some right wing leanings that personally offend me. My FIL tends to get fired up about whatever the conservative fools on tv are spouting at the time.</div>
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Everybody is going to have different opinions. You only want them to "learn" things that you agree with? What kind of a democracy would that be? The rest of the quote is extremely offensive to me as a conservative. Dr. Laura & Rush are not the only conservatives and I have never even seen them on TV. Unsolicited parenting advice comes with the territory. Just politely tell them that's not how you do things at your home. The end.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lovingmommyhood</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7936259"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Everybody is going to have different opinions. You only want them to "learn" things that you agree with? What kind of a democracy would that be? The rest of the quote is extremely offensive to me as a conservative. Dr. Laura & Rush are not the only conservatives and I have never even seen them on TV. Unsolicited parenting advice comes with the territory. Just politely tell them that's not how you do things at your home. The end.</div>
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I agree with this. My IL's are as liberal as I am conservative and I could have written the stuff that you said your IL's are doing....I don't see the correlation.<br><br>
I stand my ground with them on parenting issues. I'm DS's mother. PERIOD. DH agrees with how we are parenting and that is all that matters. His parents have the choice to accept what we have decided and be a big part of our lives or continually bash it and become a smaller part of our lives. We both are glad they have come to the realization that our time spent together is more valuable than these arguments. But I refuse to back down.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>AllieFaye</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7928555"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">What exactly does conservatism have to do with being opposed to gentle discipline? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
There are plenty of conservatives right here at MDC who adhere to NFL and AP. I know a number of liberals who want nothing to do with any type of parenting, much less attachment parenting. I doubt that it's the in-laws political persuasion that is guiding their parenting style.<br><br>
And, I'm listening to Rush Limbaugh right now, and he hasn't said a word about spanking.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">: I get a little weary of the assumption that if you are interested in nfl that you are liberal. Believe it or not my conservative values are a huge part of *why* I practice nfl. I'd be happy to explain that to you privately if you want to learn more. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>2bluefish</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7937340"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">: I get a little weary of the assumption that if you are interested in nfl that you are liberal. Believe it or not my conservative values are a huge part of *why* I practice nfl. I'd be happy to explain that to you privately if you want to learn more. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"></div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">: Another politically, financially conservative chick who's about as far from mainstream as you can get, chiming in. Conservative does not equal mainstream/secular. Some conservatives are, just as some liberals are, but it's rude and ill-informed to assume that conservative and mainstream are one and the same. Actually, LOL, I was just telling a liberal pal from college the other day about this board, where liberal is so frequently equated to NFL/AP when she commented to me, "You are so conservative" when I was talking to her about my CD-ing and BF-ing plans.<br><br>
Clara
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>DoulaClara</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7937441"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">: Another politically, financially conservative chick who's about as far from mainstream as you can get, chiming in. Conservative does not equal mainstream/secular. Some conservatives are, just as some liberals are, but it's rude and ill-informed to assume that conservative and mainstream are one and the same. Actually, LOL, I was just telling a liberal pal from college the other day about this board, where liberal is so frequently equated to NFL/AP when she commented to me, "You are so conservative" when I was talking to her about my CD-ing and BF-ing plans.<br><br>
Clara</div>
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I get the SAME comments from a couple of my friends. They think I'm a "conservative nut" because I BF DS for a year and wear DS2 in a sling!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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Discussion Starter #14
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lovingmommyhood</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7936259"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Everybody is going to have different opinions. You only want them to "learn" things that you agree with? What kind of a democracy would that be? The rest of the quote is extremely offensive to me as a conservative. Dr. Laura & Rush are not the only conservatives and I have never even seen them on TV. Unsolicited parenting advice comes with the territory. Just politely tell them that's not how you do things at your home. The end.</div>
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Yeah, I realized later that writing "conservative fools" was not the right way to word what I was trying to say. Sorry to offend you.<br><br>
There are some people I've seen on TV who I really think are fools and who offend me. Certainly, all conservatives are not fools.<br><br>
To respond to your question, I don't only want my kids to "learn" things that I agree with, but I will keep them away (for as long as I can) from hearing people who spout hatred and anger and say things that I think are morally wrong.
 

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THis is way off topic, but i found mdc about 6 months ago. I just assumed that the VAST MAJORITY of ap parents with followed nfl were liberal. For me my beliefs usually fall into the same realm of liberalism. anti-war, pro social justice, social programs, environmentalism, pro-choice, economic justice. I guess I just assumed all the aspect of parenting I practice went along with those other issues. MDC has taught me to be more open-minded, more respectful of conservative views (other than my own, and as I have come to realize...similar to my own). So, I guess I just wanted to put that out there. My ILs are mormon, very much into following the male of the house, timeouts, CIO, spanking, authority-type parenting. But that is just them, and I should generlize to all people. Sure this will offend someone, but please know that it is me that was narrow-minded and such.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>riversong</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7945714"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yeah, I realized later that writing "conservative fools" was not the right way to word what I was trying to say. Sorry to offend you.<br><br>
There are some people I've seen on TV who I really think are fools and who offend me. Certainly, all conservatives are not fools.<br><br>
To respond to your question, I don't only want my kids to "learn" things that I agree with, but I will keep them away (for as long as I can) from hearing people who spout hatred and anger and say things that I think are morally wrong.</div>
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I'm sorry, I wasn't speaking of your children. I was speaking of your IL's. You said "My ILs, whom I love, are have some right wing leanings that personally offend me".<br><br>
I would never expect you to expose your children to things you don't agree with any sooner than you personally thought fit. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>seamama11</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7965695"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">THis is way off topic, but i found mdc about 6 months ago. I just assumed that the VAST MAJORITY of ap parents with followed nfl were liberal. For me my beliefs usually fall into the same realm of liberalism. anti-war, pro social justice, social programs, environmentalism, pro-choice, economic justice. I guess I just assumed all the aspect of parenting I practice went along with those other issues. MDC has taught me to be more open-minded, more respectful of conservative views (other than my own, and as I have come to realize...similar to my own). So, I guess I just wanted to put that out there. My ILs are mormon, very much into following the male of the house, timeouts, CIO, spanking, authority-type parenting. But that is just them, and I should generlize to all people. Sure this will offend someone, but please know that it is me that was narrow-minded and such.</div>
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<br>
Don't worry about it.<br><br>
Everybody's going to have their own preconceived ideas. KWIM?<br><br>
Like it's been pointed out, sometimes people assume AP = conservative sometimes they figure it = Liberal.
 

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Also, some of Peggy Omara's editorials in Mothering Magazine do seem somewhat liberal. When I used to faithfully read the magazine, I saw a lot of what seemed to be assumptions that everyone reading was liberal, that liberal was the ONLY conscientious way to be.<br><br>
I still love Omara's editorials and the magazine. I just don't think I have to agree with writers on all counts, in order to learn from them.<br><br>
And the conservatives I know irl all seem to think you can't raise Godly, moral kids without spanking and punishing them.<br><br>
I'm a mix of liberal and conservative, but believe in Attachment Parenting and Gentle Discipline all the way. I seriously believe that if AP became mainstream, it would solve most or all of the problems the republicans and democrats are trying to solve politically.
 

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My ILs used to be more verbal about how we should spank, AND they thought that our girls needed more traditional "discipline." But now at age 3.5 and 4.5, with our gentle methods working, we have social, energetic, not fearful, responsive children....so I don't hear it anymore. I took pains when they would "misbehave" in front of the ILs over the years to implement a very clear discipline approach, and to take it fully in my or my husband's own hands, rather than leave it up to them or to the group. No one else was invited to assist with or comment to my child about the approach, whether we were using some kind of natural consequences or a time out to blow off steam. The other thing is, I simply didn't engage in the conversation with the ILs about it. If asked directly, I simply stated, "We do not hit our children. Our family does not hit." Without apology or explanation. Eventually, they got the hint.<br><br>
It does get better.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Sabo</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7927583"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I know that I would probably only be able to say this to my immediate family, not the IL's, but with those kinds of comments, I'd want to respond, "What? You think we're too soft? Well maybe we should start a "hard-lined" reaction now? OK, here goes . . . STOP telling me how to parent my children! How was that, still too soft?"</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 
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