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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This may sound dumb, but I hadn't really thought about it before. I saw a post in another forum on MDC saying tag-team parents have statistically higher divorce rates (or something like that) and I was, like, wow!<br><br>
But I'm not entirely sure we qualify as tag-team parents ("TTP"). I read online a few articles and they all seem to stress the primary issue being that the parents hardly ever see each other. DH and I both work from home, and we see each other all the time.<br><br>
But that creates its own stresses I guess. I work during the day, and I get interrupted a lot. Not because DH is not doing his job (of parenting) but just because DD demands to be nursed, or wants to see mama, and so on. Also I nurse DD to sleep for her naps, and this is rarely straightforward, if you know what I mean.<br><br>
Because of these interruptions, I work a little later than my coworkers to make up for my estimated interrupted time (I really have no idea how much I'm interrupted, though). I eat lunch at my desk to try to make up some time as well. Interruptions can be stressful to me as well since I have some very high-pressure responsibilities. When problems pop up, I have to be all over them, but I also can't neglect my family, KWIM? So I feel very stressed or guilty depending on how I handle a particular situation - or, more likely, both stressed and guilty at the same time.<br><br>
Then it's dinner. I make dinner, we eat, we clean up (or we don't... house is always falling apart IYKWIM), I give DD a bath, I read to her, and then I begin the struggles of going to bed. She goes to sleep very late, and wakes often (best is every 2 hours, worst is every 20 minutes).<br><br>
In the meantime, DH does some chores (maybe dishes, maybe paying bills, whatever) and then he goes to work. He usually stumbles into bed around 4am-ish, and it's not at all uncommon for him to come to bed at 6am.<br><br>
As a result, I let DD sleep as late as possible so DH can get a little extra sleep. And thus begins the cycle again, that also trims my sleep (that is, DD doesn't go to bed at a reasonable or even semi-reasonable hour). While I get way, way, way more in-bed time than DH, and also more actual sleep time than he does, I feel really sleep deprived anyway due to the night wakings and the late hour going to bed (usually between 11pm and 1am).<br><br>
He's sleep deprived. I'm sleep deprived. We are both very, very, very cranky. I feel like we have no down time. I used to like reading books - I have no time to do that anymore. I used to like soaking in the bath - I soak in the bath, but it's a little different now with a 2 year old in it making me act out whatever character fantasies she has going that week, and then doing a belly flop to nurse.<br><br>
Weekends suck. Basically DH celebrates Friday nights by staying up ALL night - this confounds me, don't even ask me about this - and then sleeps in Saturday morning. I'm tired Saturday morning and basically just wait around for DH to wake up. If he was at least out of the house I could probably motivate myself to put on some music and do some chores, but with him sleeping, I just wait. And wait. (Noise doesn't bother him, this is purely my issue and not his).<br><br>
We eat. We do some chores. Then it's dark (cause it's still winter). I feel depressed, like a whole day was wasted. Not much productive gets done, and not much relaxing gets done either.<br><br>
Sunday can be better or worse. It's considered "my" day but usually DH is too deeply asleep to wake up and take DD if I want to sleep in, so I very rarely get the chance to catch up on my sleep (I don't do naps, I never did, not even as a baby.. I simply CAN'T sleep... it totally blows... all I can hope for is for DH to wake up quickly enough so I don't really wake up myself, then I might be able to stay asleep). So if it's a good Sunday, I have some energy and get some things done, but it's NEVER enough. Never a clean house, never even just 1 completed project. A bad Sunday has me in a complete blue funk, barely able to function.<br><br>
Insert fighting with DH all week and weekends on top of that. During the week at any given moment we probably have a 50% chance of either actively fighting or actively not-talking-to-each-other. During the weekend, that percentage actually goes UP.<br><br>
We have a situation most would dream of, and yet I feel absolutely horrible, all the time.<br><br>
I'm married to a GREAT guy. Truly, truly terrific. Yet in the last 2.5 years, I feel like all our good feelings for each other have completely drained away. I don't want to divorce him, but the topic comes up often (at my initiative - he is a child of divorce and will not go down that path). I've even had some minorly suicidal thoughts in the last 2 weeks. Why? I can't explain. I feel horrible and then I feel stupid because I can't even say what's so horrible. All I can say is that I have nothing to look forward to. Everything is a struggle. Everything is a fight. I cannot recharge at all, 100% of my time is either working, caring for my child, chores, or trying desperately to sleep. Or cooking or eating, which I don't count as downtime, sorry.<br><br>
Sorry to write a book, but I was hoping someone might have some insights. I don't want to be dramatic but I really feel this way. I fail at everything, I let everyone down all the time (I have to choose between work and family ALL OF THE TIME!!! And someone always loses!!). I can't get anything done. And if I choose to spend time reading a book, it will be at the expense of something else.
 

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Wow! You must be so exhausted! Does anyone help out with dd and the house? Could you afford anyone? Do you have any family around that could give the two of you some chance of getting some rest and time for one another? I understand the whole concept of TTP is that kids are cared for by their parents, but still, you are describing is really extreme...
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
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<div style="font-style:italic;">Wow! You must be so exhausted! Does anyone help out with dd and the house? Could you afford anyone? Do you have any family around that could give the two of you some chance of getting some rest and time for one another? I understand the whole concept of TTP is that kids are cared for by their parents, but still, you are describing is really extreme...</div>
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It's like parts of me are TELLING me it's extreme, but intellectually I can't see it. I mean, I wrote the above post and felt like, sheesh, I'm a whiner, I don't even understand what I'm complaining about. So I did hope to get some thoughts, and thank you for yours.<br><br>
We have zero family in the area. DD has never been left in the company of anyone else except for 1 hour when my mother visited our anniversary weekend, and we went out for dinner just the 2 of us (and worried the whole time, lol <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> DD was only 2 or 3 months old then).<br><br>
As for affording babysitting, I'm sure we could. We're not anywhere near rich but there's also a decent margin between us and "hurtin'" if you know what I mean. We do honestly have concerns for the economy though and are really actively saving up every dollar so if the hammer falls, we'll have done everything we could. But it's all a matter of choices. We could certainly choose to hire a babysitter, absolutely.<br><br>
I don't know how DD would deal with that, but I guess that's another story. I honestly don't even have the need to be away from DD per se, just want some downtime. Hey, maybe I don't even have to get away, but just maybe a teenager could come 1 hour Saturday afternoon and play with DD while I either read or get chores done. Interesting.
 

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how about hiring a mother's helper? they don't cost as much as a full fledged babysitter because you or dh is home but not necessarily available. It might not help with your sleep but maybe to get your job done earlier so you have more time in the PM for DD or something.<br><br>
My son does this for quite a few mamas. If you are interested in that option, check out some of the homeschooling groups in your area.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>laohaire</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10759138"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
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He's sleep deprived. I'm sleep deprived. We are both very, very, very cranky. I feel like we have no down time. I used to like reading books - I have no time to do that anymore. I used to like soaking in the bath - I soak in the bath, but it's a little different now with a 2 year old in it making me act out whatever character fantasies she has going that week, and then doing a belly flop to nurse.<br><br><br><br>
I'm married to a GREAT guy. Truly, truly terrific. Yet in the last 2.5 years, I feel like all our good feelings for each other have completely drained away. I don't want to divorce him, but the topic comes up often (at my initiative - he is a child of divorce and will not go down that path). I've even had some minorly suicidal thoughts in the last 2 weeks. Why? I can't explain. I feel horrible and then I feel stupid because I can't even say what's so horrible. All I can say is that I have nothing to look forward to. Everything is a struggle. Everything is a fight. I cannot recharge at all, 100% of my time is either working, caring for my child, chores, or trying desperately to sleep. Or cooking or eating, which I don't count as downtime, sorry.</div>
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You realize that the KGB used sleep deprivation for torture right? TORTURE.<br>
I don't think it is the tag teaming. I think it is the sleep deprivation. No sleep means no serotonin means going crazy and very cranky eventually.<br>
My second son was a very bad sleeper. He started sleeping a little bit better at 2 after I weaned him. Why did I wean? Well I was also suicidal. A dead mommy means no nursing either.<br>
You may be ideologically opposed but fyi it may help - since your dd is 2 (not 2 weeks <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> ) to space out nursing sessions.<br>
Also I know the <span style="text-decoration:underline;">no cry sleep solution</span> book helped a bit.<br><br>
My ds2 started sleeping through the night dependably at 3, so you have my heartfelt sympathies here. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Wow you sound like you are under alot of stress. I'm so sorry.<br><br>
Based on your post, it seems like there are several things going on and maybe it will help you to separate them and deal with them independently.<br><br>
First, it sounds like your personality is alot like mine - you take the weight of the world on your shoulders and are uber-responsible/conscientious. One of the things I've had to learn is *not* to take on the feeling of responsibility for things that genuinely aren't mine to take. And to learn to accept "okay" rather than "good" or "great" when doing a task. It's OKAY to let some things slide! Just expecting yourself to do and be everything is unrealistic and if you were counseling a friend of yours wouldn't expect them to do it all - so why are you harder on yourself? So part one is working on yourself and exploring whether your expectations are realistic or not. It's okay to fail, to slack, to need other people to help you, to be ALL of what it means to be human <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Second, it sounds like you and your husband need to learn some better communication skills to deal with stressful times. There are great books out there (non-violent communication is a great one) but of course you don't have time to read (see my comment below). But you need *something* between you to make things go more smoothly. Counseling? I like the Gottman approach - so you might read up on that. But I've also found that things go better in my relationships when *I* feel better so maybe working on #1 will lead to #2?<br><br>
Third - you have a two year old! I know it doesn't seem like it, but her neediness will pass with time and a year from now, things with her will seem easier. It sort of comes with the territory, but I know it can be stressful - especially if you have a really needy one (I had one of those, I can relate).<br><br>
Finally, I think you need to see that having downtime is not optional - it is CRUCIAL! If you have to schedule it just like you would a doctor appointment or something else "important" then do it. You are no good to anyone as a wife or mother if you have nothing left in your tank. You have to fill it, even if that means you eat pizza for a week rather than cook, or you hire a babysitter on sundays so you and your husband can sleep or you call in sick or whatever.<br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>laohaire</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10759138"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">. And if I choose to spend time reading a book, it will be at the expense of something else.</div>
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Yes, this is true. But it will give you more energy to give back if you feel like you have those "stolen moments" of time that reinvigorate you. Just do it. Let the something else slide every once in a while! It's okay. A great book (I think anyway) is "Confessions of a Naughty Mommy" - it's all about reclaiming part of yourself. Read it WITH your hubby - he will appreciate it.<br><br>
The thoughts of suicide mean that you are feeling some real pain. Pay attention to it - don't push it away and take it for the warning bell that it is. You really, really need to stop and just get off the train for a bit however that is - take a sick day, whatever and just see if you can break down some of these things into manageable chunks for yourself...I'm so, so sorry things are so rough right now. I'll be thinking about you - hopefully others will have more helpful things to say!<br><br>
hth<br>
peace,<br>
robyn
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks everyone for your input. I felt like I was about to cry when I read the posts. Tells you a lot about my emotional state I guess.<br><br>
I don't mean to make the suicidal thoughts a big deal, they really weren't. I'd think of ways to do it, and reject them all. And I'd realize the whole time it would be a total crapout on my responsibility as a parent, much less a wife. My best friend from high school committed suicide and it took me 9 years to stop being furious at her. So I'm not serious at all, but it was just odd how 2 or 3 times I found myself thinking at length about how I could do it.<br><br>
Yes, probably the sleep deprivation is the big issue. It's affecting my mood, my energy, my cognitive functions. I am not a good mother or wife right now. I am even really cranky at work - I can think of 3 times this week where I really obviously sniped at my boss, for instance (thankfully he's let them all slide). I'm not claiming to be a saint or anything but I don't think I'm usually like that.<br><br>
Last weekend on Saturday DH gallantly give me some of "his" time and I took a rare and blissful nap. After the nap, I still did not feel energetic at all, but I did feel calmer and more positive, and we did not fight that night.<br><br>
Part of the problem I guess is my physical inability to nap usually (like on Saturday, on rare occasions I can, but usually it's a bad idea to try because I'll spend an hour trying to fall asleep, and not fall asleep, and then get out of bed feeling worse than ever - not only tired, but also absolutely horrible about the hour I totally wasted).<br><br>
I can even tell my writing here is more disjointed and hysterical than is typical for me. Sigh.<br><br>
I guess I will write off this weekend and try to sleep through it. (But god I feel guilty just thinking of the idea - I can write off chores, but I promised my ex-step-father-in-law last NOVEMBER I'd scan all his photos for a project... and he gave me all his photos from his display shelf... and it's MID-MARCH and I still haven't done it... I'm honest to god afraid he's going to DIE before I finish the project!! Not as ridiculous as it sounds; he's 84.5 and in declining health.... SIGH... the story of my LIFE all the guilt and the things to do and just NO BUFFER to do them in!!!!).<br><br>
There goes the hysteria again. Thanks folks, I'm quitting work for the evening (had to work until 8pm today to make up for time when DH went to the doctor and I had to stay home and watch DD for a while, plus I also let him nap for 1 hour later so he can at least be recharged for work tonight).
 

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hugs<br>
You almost described my life. I work full time and my dh is a part-time student and full-time SAHP. When I come from work he goes to evening courses, sometimes we have to meet on his way to university because there is no time to get home before he leaves. During weekends, I always take care of ds, because dh has to catch up on studying. And my family lives in Europe.<br>
Right now my ds is visiting his grandparents and we are catching up on sleep and other stuff... Today I even listened to some music! I'm not suggesting you should send your child away (I hope nobody takes it the wrong way), but that you should find a way to take care of yourself and your marriage.<br>
You are not alone.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>laohaire</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10759138"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">She goes to sleep very late, and wakes often (best is every 2 hours, worst is every 20 minutes).</div>
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What is causing this? I am by no means an expert, so take this with a grain of salt, but my DD was in bed by at least 8:00 p.m. when she was two. (Actually, she is in bed by 8:00 p.m. even now when she's 5). Also, why does she wake so often?<br><br>
I've always been the type of person to need a lot of down-time (I get drained by being around too many people). Your situation would make me have suicidal thoughts too! It just seems like if your daughter could go to bed earlier (and somehow sleep better), you might have an hour to yourself to read/have a bubble bath before bed.
 

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We tag-team, and it's totally stressful. We call each other from work, though (on breaks) and that helps a lot.
 

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You might feel better after going to counseling. Sometimes it feels good to let it all out. Thoughts of suicide, even if you would not carry them out, is a sign of depression.<br><br>
What do you eat in a typical day? Do you take a good multi w/ b complex?<br><br>
There has got to be someone who can do the scanning project for you. Like a neighborhood kid for twenty bucks or a friend.<br><br>
I would use disposable products like paper plates for a few weeks. You guys need a break. I love cloth diapers, but I had to switch to disposable for a while and I still use them temporarily, b/c I was so stressed out. My family is more important than being the perfect environmentalist.
 

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I have no solutions, but I did want to add that I am in the same place you are right now, only *without* tag-team parenting. DD goes to daycare during the day, but DH is in school at night, and I have her solo then. My job is also flexible, which just means it flexes into every waking hour (and some that should be sleeping.) I get no alone time. No down time at all. And I am about to lose my mind.
 

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Sounds like a big chunk of it is he's staying up too late and getting up too late so he can avoid (or not) dealing with working with a toddler around.
 

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I think you've gotten some great advice.<br><br>
I want to second, third, fourth, the suggestion for counseling for you, OP. Please. I know it sounds like just one more thing you have to find time for and expend energy on when you don't have any time or energy, but you sound a lot like me -- a perfectionist who is never satisfied with herself (or, sometimes, others), who always feels guilty if she's not doing something "useful" or necessary, and who burns herself out.<br><br>
My marriage almost ended in divorce and I almost had a nervous breakdown before I admitted that I wasn't superwoman and that I needed to say "no" to people, that I needed to give myself the same kind of breaks I was always giving others ("oh, she's busy" "oh, he's got a lot going on" etc.), and that I needed to make time to take care of myself in the same ways I was caring for others.<br><br>
Counseling has helped enormously. Who was I trying to impress? Why was it so important to me that everything get done *now*? It really helped me connect the dots.<br><br>
It also seems like you could use some marital counseling. After your sessions, go out to dinner or a movie. Reconnect with your husband. A few hours away from mom or dad is better for your DD, even if it's tough at first, than a divorced mom and dad. Sorry to sound extreme or harsh or anti-AP, but I think we get so caught up in an AP idea of never leaving our kids, that we lose ourselves and our relationships, making it really hard to meet our kids needs, you know?<br><br>
You also mention that you think your situation should be ideal, but it's clearly not ideal for your family, at least not as it stands. Once again, I think this is measuring your life against a non-existent AP ideal rather than the reality of what is meeting your needs as a *family*. An in-home babysitter? Daycare/pre-school for a day or two a week? A co-op program two mornings a week? Something to solve this issue. Because, no matter how ideal it may seem to not have your child cared for by anyone else other than her parents, it is, IMHO, tearing her parents apart as a couple and as individuals.<br><br>
So, please, think about not only counseling of some type, but also some time for just you and your DH and revisiting your care arrangements. It doesn't have to be full-time daycare in a center. There is lots of in-between.<br><br>
Lastly, St. Johns Wort, magnesium, a good multi-vitamin, fish oil, and a bit of exercise a few times a week -- worked wonders for me.<br><br>
Hang in there!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>laohaire</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10759859"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">T I can write off chores, but I promised my ex-step-father-in-law last NOVEMBER I'd scan all his photos for a project... and he gave me all his photos from his display shelf... and it's MID-MARCH and I still haven't done it... I'm honest to god afraid he's going to DIE before I finish the project!!.</div>
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I'm being really blunt here but IMO you do not owe him this task. You have to cut back somewhere. Can someone else do it? Can you pay someone?<br><br>
You could even give him the photos back so he has them.<br><br>
You have to stop taking on stuff like this. There is just not enough of you to spread around.<br><br>
Please take care of yourself. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Wow, sounds like a honest to goodness emergency situation.<br><br>
if you can make the choice to use some money, here's what I would do:<br><br>
Reserve a hotel room for a Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. Invite DH, but don't expect or hope he'll come -- not that he'd be against it or anything but your main purpose in doing this is because your health and sanity should be the most important priority for you right now.<br><br>
Pay what it takes to get a housecleaning team into your home that weekend and have them clean and tidy from top to bottom. Don't freak out and try to declutter before they get there or anything. Just own up to the help you need and get it.<br><br>
Take that weekend to relax, but also try to come up with a good proposal of how you and dh could rearrange your schedules. Something has to change. The day versus night is not working. You have to figure out how to do split shifts during the day if possible -- humans need to sleep. It might be better to present this to him in writing to just share it you know -- not bring it up like a big debate that needs to be discussed or initiated immediately.<br><br>
Include in your proposal something about a mother's helper for a couple times a week -- for times when you're working and NOT working, so you can get some uninterrupted work time and get some uninterrupted private time. And something about getting a babysitter once a week for a date.<br><br>
That's what I would do. i really like pp<br>
s suggestion of using paper plates for a long time until you feel like you can breathe again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>transylvania_mom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10760025"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Today I even listened to some music!</div>
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Boy, I know exactly what you mean. I used to listen to music all the time. Now, the only music I ever hear is Enya or something similar when we rock DD to sleep.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mommahhh</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10760235"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">What is causing this? I am by no means an expert, so take this with a grain of salt, but my DD was in bed by at least 8:00 p.m. when she was two. (Actually, she is in bed by 8:00 p.m. even now when she's 5). Also, why does she wake so often?<br><br>
I've always been the type of person to need a lot of down-time (I get drained by being around too many people). Your situation would make me have suicidal thoughts too! It just seems like if your daughter could go to bed earlier (and somehow sleep better), you might have an hour to yourself to read/have a bubble bath before bed.</div>
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I honestly hvae no idea. It's not new; her bedtime has been late from Day 3 (Day 1 of course she slept all day <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> ).<br><br>
It's not laziness or anything, I've spent so much effort trying to get her to bed earlier; I HATE going to bed so late myself. But I eventually gave up. DH thinks she just has "his genetics" because he's a night owl. I don't agree - him being a night owl as a teenager and adult has nothing to do with a newborn/baby/toddler being a night owl. But perhaps it still DOES have to do with DH - since he's up late at night, maybe DD just knows Daddy's around and doesn't consider the night to be the sacred sleep-time that other kids probably do when they know the whole house is asleep. Who knows.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>nichole</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10760422"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">There has got to be someone who can do the scanning project for you. Like a neighborhood kid for twenty bucks or a friend.</div>
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I will think about it. I guess another problem is that I don't actually have any friends.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Herausgeber</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10760765"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I have no solutions, but I did want to add that I am in the same place you are right now, only *without* tag-team parenting. DD goes to daycare during the day, but DH is in school at night, and I have her solo then. My job is also flexible, which just means it flexes into every waking hour (and some that should be sleeping.) I get no alone time. No down time at all. And I am about to lose my mind.</div>
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I know about the flexing too, yeah, and that's also contributed to my snowball. Several times this year - I think maybe 5 times - I needed to do some overtime due to urgent projects, and the only time I could find was during my sleep time. 3 of those nights were pretty serious all-nighers, staying up until around 5am. Absolutely horrible nights. And even if it was just a few times over 2 months, I think it just knocked me down and I've been struggling to get up again.<br><br>
And yeah, it's hard to have DD solo when you're exhausted.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Synthea™</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10761214"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Sounds like a big chunk of it is he's staying up too late and getting up too late so he can avoid (or not) dealing with working with a toddler around.</div>
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Actually, not. He's staying up late to do his job. He works nights. The only exception is Friday nights where he likes to stay up all night for fun. It's not toddler-avoidance, and I know this for two reasons. First, he has liked staying up Friday nights since I've known him (9 years), far preceeding our toddler. Pre-toddler, I actually liked it because I got the bed to myself that night and then I would wake up early Saturday morning and have some blissful alone time. The second reason is that Saturday is "his" day (Sunday is "my" day) so he wouldn't be toddler-watching Saturday anyway.<br><br>
I do honestly find it frustrating that he would still stay up all night Fridays which is making his sleep deprivation worse. I feel it would help the family if he got some sleep. I mean, he could go to bed at 3am and still get some ok sleep, but 6am or 7am is just nuts IMHO. I honestly don't understand it, but he says it's his downtime, and he's pointed out that Saturday is his day to do whatever he likes. DH is actually a very productive person and not lazy, but he's flat out just like I am. So though I don't get it, he finds staying up relaxing, and then catches up on sleep during the day. Before we were in this really bad patch (say, last summer and fall) he'd be up by say 11am and be productive the rest of the day (trash, yard work, house repair, whatever). So he's prioritizing downtime first and then sleep, and productivity last. Do you guys agree he should prioritize sleep first, then downtime? Or is it none of my beeswax? Not sure how I'd react to him telling me what I needed to do... right?<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>DariusMom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10762396"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Because, no matter how ideal it may seem to not have your child cared for by anyone else other than her parents, it is, IMHO, tearing her parents apart as a couple and as individuals.</div>
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Yeah. I agree. But I still want to see if we can make it work.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>marybethorama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10762848"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'm being really blunt here but IMO you do not owe him this task. You have to cut back somewhere. Can someone else do it? Can you pay someone?<br><br>
You could even give him the photos back so he has them.<br><br>
You have to stop taking on stuff like this. There is just not enough of you to spread around.<br><br>
Please take care of yourself. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"></div>
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If it was anything else, I'd agree. It's a really big story and I won't bore you with it. I volunteered; he didn't ask me to do it. Maybe I shouldn't have but I think it's terribly important. I don't take on external projects usually. I tell other people to stuff it (my mother's been trying to get me to visit her and I've been ducking that consistently. Yay.)<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>momma4fun</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10763077"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Include in your proposal something about a mother's helper for a couple times a week -- for times when you're working and NOT working, so you can get some uninterrupted work time and get some uninterrupted private time. And something about getting a babysitter once a week for a date.</div>
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I'm pretty excited about the idea of a mother's helper. Any suggestions for finding one? (I know no-one). How much do I pay? How do I evalulate a good match?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>laohaire</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10763829"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It's not new; her bedtime has been late from Day 3 (Day 1 of course she slept all day <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> ). It's not laziness or anything, I've spent so much effort trying to get her to bed earlier; I HATE going to bed so late myself. But I eventually gave up. DH thinks she just has "his genetics" because he's a night owl. I don't agree - him being a night owl as a teenager and adult has nothing to do with a newborn/baby/toddler being a night owl. But perhaps it still DOES have to do with DH - since he's up late at night, maybe DD just knows Daddy's around and doesn't consider the night to be the sacred sleep-time that other kids probably do when they know the whole house is asleep. Who knows?</div>
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Did you read "Sleepless in America"? Well, it does not exactly sound like you have a lot of time for reading. So, one of the things about the book is that you should get your kid on a consistent routine. And the most important thing would be to wake her consistently at the same hour in the AM every day. One idea could be to have a babysitter come and deal with her in the AM, wake her, give her breakfast, get her outside. The AM sunlight has an important effect on the sleep cycle. Eventually, if you did this for a little while, and if you were consistent and did it every day including weekends, I am sure you would notice a difference. I understand you tried before, but now she is 2 and a half and she's more ready to get into a more predictable routine now than she was as a newborn or a baby. And IME, the kids who fight the routine the most are those that need it the most. In your situation, I would go for a babysitter and not a mother's helper, because a babysitter could take her out and about more and would be really taking responsibility for your dd. A mother's helper would help but the responsibility would still be with you. Also, I'd give some thoughts about having someone to clean the house a couple of times a week.
 

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in a rush, but wanted to quickly second the no cry sleep solution - i just read the 'toddler' version (not sure where I found the time, but I SOOO wish I had read it years ago when dd was a toddler) it has helped tremendously, though nothing in that book was earth-shattering... just all there, in front of my face and making some changes has really helped us with sleep issues in the past month.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s on the tag-teaming. it's so hard - i also feel like I should be so happy we've been able to do this for 6+ years now, but it has definitely taken an toll on our marriage <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> and my sanity. On that note, back to work <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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In the past I had a mother's helper. I advertised on a local homeschooling community, and found a really sweet 13 year old from a great family. I had her over for an interview, her mom came a long, I checked a couple references. She was actually the only one who showed up for an interview but I really liked her.
 
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