[transformed]

What do I do before I talk to dh about our marriage being over?

Do I need to try to talk to some kind of legal counsel first?

Or am I supposed to tell him first before we make a bunch of chess moves.

I think he knows-he was really sad this morning.

I want to honor his feelings without being a slave to them. any advice?

 

[guestmama9915]

I think it depends a lot on the situation... the biggest thing I think is, once it's said, separation should happen as quickly as possible.

I told my ex (we were never married) first, that I was done and leaving. He didn't really believe me at first, I think. I moved out a couple weeks later.

I think it's the drawn out situations that seem to cause the most strife for everyone, so if you need to get some ducks in order beforehand, I might think it'd be better to do that first...

 

[Maluhia]

I'd get advice from legal council first - the free get to know you session with the best lawyer in town - that way at a minimum your ex can't hire him and you know how to have your ducks in order.

I'd also transfer 50% of your joint $ in to your own account.

Even the nicest of guys go crazy, even when they only seem sad, and you don't want to be stuck.

 

[DogwoodFairy]

I made plans first: consulted w/lawyer, got advice, made copies of income info, retirement accts, took pictures of all the assets (furniture, etc)...then told him.

And a good thing, too. He has since hidden assets, lied about income (he's self-employed), and generally made every sneaky move possible so that he doesnt have to pay child support. Which I expected from him.

It took me 3 months to get all the paperwork in order and plan my exit, and even with a considerable amount of planning, things went fairly awry when I finally told him. He blew up completely (didn't even see it coming, though I had moved 75% of mine and ds's belongings out of the house already - and he hadn't noticed!) - anyway, he yelled and stormed and threatened all sorts of things about police and having me arrested if I took ds out of state (he knew I was going to go stay w/my mom out of state). In the end, I just left w/ds, and ended up leaving a bunch of stuff behind that I hadnt gotten out of the house yet. Like the photo card that had all the pics of the assets. I also forgot the copies of his retirement accounts, and some of the past taxes.

I also made sure that ALL of my very important personal items were safely in storage, or with a trusted friend/family member before the s*it hit the fan, so to speak. I shipped my grandma's quilt, my & ds's baby books, my childhood items, important paperwork (birth certificates, car title, etc). I am so glad I prepared the way I did, or these things would probably be lost to me at this point. He refused to let me back in the house until court ordered, and then a bunch of my things were gone. But I got what was important, so I didnt care much. (Except that some of the things that he hid were fairly valuable marital assets.)

I dont mean to freak you out or sound alarms that may not even be pertinent in your case, but a little prep never hurts. And I would advise that you talk to a lawyer first, just so he/she can tell you how is the best way to proceed with filing, serving, whether to stay in the family home, etc.

ETA: Oh yes, definitely transfer 50% of joint money in YOUR NAME only.

 

[Ceinwen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by tripleaces I think it depends a lot on the situation... the biggest thing I think is, once it's said, separation should happen as quickly as possible. I told my ex (we were never married) first, that I was done and leaving. He didn't really believe me at first, I think. I moved out a couple weeks later. I think it's the drawn out situations that seem to cause the most strife for everyone, so if you need to get some ducks in order beforehand, I might think it'd be better to do that first...

YMMV, but from my experience (as well) - do this. Go fast.

Exdp and I separated in February - and he's only moving out June 1st.

It has been excruciatingly long and drawn out, wayyyy too emotional, with both of us taking turns being hurt, being confident, moving on, taking steps back, etc.

It's like a bandage - rip it off and get on with it. It depends on your personal situation, but exdp and I talked about it and went from there.

Our separation was one more of apathy/hurt feelings/mild irritation - no real animosity or hate, etc.

 

[transformed]

we pretty much dont have any money.

So that wont be a problem. He delivers pizza 3 days a week while going to school. So we are in the hole like $1000 a month.