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282 Posts
I've resisted posting, because I hardly ever get up the energy to respond after my first post. But I need some help, mamas...
I have two kids. I look back now and see the same patterns this second time around that I had with my first. With my 1st I was pretty much depressed from about when she was 16 months until she was around 3 1/2. Well, my ds is 2 now, and I am in a dark place. I just do not handle toddlerhood well. Sure, they are cute and interesting, but sooo exhausting. I haven't had a full night's sleep in 6 years, for crying out loud. I've been nursing almost as long. I want my body back. Ds' nursing style is so aggravating to me. I can't stand the constant limits-testing. Ds bites me all the time. Today he bit his sister and actually removed skin through her dress. When I talk to him about it, or remove him or whatever idea of the day I have, he always laughs. And folks, he's the "good" kid. Dd is very sensitive. When she is hungry she becomes insane. She gets mad, violent, and tearful. She is almost 6. We have had innumerable talks about listening to her body. She is just not in there. I've gotten her into gymnastics classes (can only afford them because they are $25/month, and then my mom pays for them sometimes) to try and help her be more aware. Her fits still happen once, sometimes twice a day. She is a picky eater on top of that. I am going crazy.
My dh is a pilot. He works 12 hours a day, sometimes as long as 14. Despite what people think of pilots, we do not make much money. Only the major airline pilots do. Right now we're doing okay (finally got out of the cycle of overdraft fees this month...I hope), but earlier this year we were living on unemployment. There have been times when I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to feed my kids. It's always worked out, but it's so damn stressful. We have one car, so if I want to go anywhere we have to get the kids up and ready and take dh to work, and then make them stay up later than usual to pick him up. We live in an apartment, so getting outside stresses me out, because it is so hard to convince ds to stay on the sidewalk. I am an introvert and my dd is an extrovert, so neither of our needs are met, or if they are they are hers. When my ds gets up in the middle of the night, I am the one who gets up with him, because I am afraid that if my dh doesn't have enough sleep he will crash his plane. Dh doesn't help much, and then if he does he ends up yelling at the kids and making them cry and I have to step in and make everyone feel better.
My kids whine all the time and I yell at them a lot. I fantasize about crashing the car in some magical way that will injure only me, and then only enough to get a 2 week vacation in the hospital (which we wouldn't be able to pay for anyway. no medical insurance. Both kids need dental work, dd's is very extensive). I have managed not to hit the kids, but oh, I feel like it sometimes, so much that it's all I can do to stop myself. I hate my life. I've thought of killing myself, but I don't want to hurt my family that badly. We recently moved here and I have no friends or family here. We're probably going to move again at the end of the summer, which will be the last move for a few years at least. But I can't wait that long to feel better. I would love to go back to work, just to feel like an adult, but I can't afford daycare.
I have noticed that my depression is cyclical. It gets much, much worse during the week after I ovulate. After my period I feel better. And I've recently started taking magnesium & calcium citrate, and I have some old b-vitamins and folic acid that I've been taking, too. Last month I was depressed the entire month, and went a week where I cried for most of every day. When I started the magnesium it was almost magical, but now I'm at my post-ovulatory low again.
I have so many things I don't understand. I don't know where to start. I don't know what I want. Well, except some sleep and a vacation. I don't understand what is happening to me. I can't afford a therapist or medication. I can't get on the medicaid waiting list because we'll be moving before I even make it on there. I would leave in a heartbeat, except that I know that I would damage my family so badly that if I ever felt better I could not come back. How can you forgive a mom who abandons you?? But how can you forgive a mom who can barely take care of you, either?? I just have to share these thoughts and hope that I feel better.
love to all of you.
I have two kids. I look back now and see the same patterns this second time around that I had with my first. With my 1st I was pretty much depressed from about when she was 16 months until she was around 3 1/2. Well, my ds is 2 now, and I am in a dark place. I just do not handle toddlerhood well. Sure, they are cute and interesting, but sooo exhausting. I haven't had a full night's sleep in 6 years, for crying out loud. I've been nursing almost as long. I want my body back. Ds' nursing style is so aggravating to me. I can't stand the constant limits-testing. Ds bites me all the time. Today he bit his sister and actually removed skin through her dress. When I talk to him about it, or remove him or whatever idea of the day I have, he always laughs. And folks, he's the "good" kid. Dd is very sensitive. When she is hungry she becomes insane. She gets mad, violent, and tearful. She is almost 6. We have had innumerable talks about listening to her body. She is just not in there. I've gotten her into gymnastics classes (can only afford them because they are $25/month, and then my mom pays for them sometimes) to try and help her be more aware. Her fits still happen once, sometimes twice a day. She is a picky eater on top of that. I am going crazy.
My dh is a pilot. He works 12 hours a day, sometimes as long as 14. Despite what people think of pilots, we do not make much money. Only the major airline pilots do. Right now we're doing okay (finally got out of the cycle of overdraft fees this month...I hope), but earlier this year we were living on unemployment. There have been times when I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to feed my kids. It's always worked out, but it's so damn stressful. We have one car, so if I want to go anywhere we have to get the kids up and ready and take dh to work, and then make them stay up later than usual to pick him up. We live in an apartment, so getting outside stresses me out, because it is so hard to convince ds to stay on the sidewalk. I am an introvert and my dd is an extrovert, so neither of our needs are met, or if they are they are hers. When my ds gets up in the middle of the night, I am the one who gets up with him, because I am afraid that if my dh doesn't have enough sleep he will crash his plane. Dh doesn't help much, and then if he does he ends up yelling at the kids and making them cry and I have to step in and make everyone feel better.
My kids whine all the time and I yell at them a lot. I fantasize about crashing the car in some magical way that will injure only me, and then only enough to get a 2 week vacation in the hospital (which we wouldn't be able to pay for anyway. no medical insurance. Both kids need dental work, dd's is very extensive). I have managed not to hit the kids, but oh, I feel like it sometimes, so much that it's all I can do to stop myself. I hate my life. I've thought of killing myself, but I don't want to hurt my family that badly. We recently moved here and I have no friends or family here. We're probably going to move again at the end of the summer, which will be the last move for a few years at least. But I can't wait that long to feel better. I would love to go back to work, just to feel like an adult, but I can't afford daycare.
I have noticed that my depression is cyclical. It gets much, much worse during the week after I ovulate. After my period I feel better. And I've recently started taking magnesium & calcium citrate, and I have some old b-vitamins and folic acid that I've been taking, too. Last month I was depressed the entire month, and went a week where I cried for most of every day. When I started the magnesium it was almost magical, but now I'm at my post-ovulatory low again.
I have so many things I don't understand. I don't know where to start. I don't know what I want. Well, except some sleep and a vacation. I don't understand what is happening to me. I can't afford a therapist or medication. I can't get on the medicaid waiting list because we'll be moving before I even make it on there. I would leave in a heartbeat, except that I know that I would damage my family so badly that if I ever felt better I could not come back. How can you forgive a mom who abandons you?? But how can you forgive a mom who can barely take care of you, either?? I just have to share these thoughts and hope that I feel better.
love to all of you.
