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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Here's my previous MIL thread:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=485361

So, dh finally talked to his mom, telling her that her comment to our dd (about weight) was inappropriate. MIL threw the whole "victim" speech--we just hate her, nothing she does is good enough for us, etc. Dh reminded MIL that his sister had bulimia--her response was, "Well I didn't even know." (She did, but whatever.)

So, MIL didn't/won't ever admit that her comment to my dd was wrong, and certainly won't promise not to say anything like it again.

Now, MIL and I don't get along, but I'm still willing to have her over, go to the movies, the fair, etc. with her when she wants to see the kids. BUT I don't ever want her spending alone time with my dd where I can't intercept rude comments. So, no more sleepovers. Is this fair? reasonable?

If so, please help me prepare for the conversation about this with dh. The only reason he hasn't cut her off completely is that he's blinded by his unconditional love for his mother. I'm not even asking to cut her off completely--I'm just saying no more "alone" time (which is all MIL ever wants with the kids.) How do I say it to dh?

Thanks!
 

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Sounds MORE than reasonable to me. I won't leave dd with my MIL though I love her to death and generally trust her because she is WEIRD about food and I don't want dd subjected to that.

-Angela
 

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Sounds reasonable to me, my sister won't leave my niece alone with my parents for the exact same reason (very inappropriate, mean comments). They are still allowed to visit, but she doesn't allow any "alone time" with them.
I don't think she ever stated it as policy, I think she just says no and/or comes up with excuses when they want dn alone for a weekend or whatever.
 

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I think it's reasonable, but there is no reason to make any big statement about it. Just turn it down when it comes up. If, after awhile, she asks why, tell her why. But for now you guys are just always "Busy".
 

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More than reasonable. I totally understand where you are coming from.
My MIL sounds exactly like yours. The whole victim thing, and not to mention the unconditional love from her devoted sons...He loves her more than me sometimes.
ANyway, I doubt my MIL will EVER have alone time with her, and dh has just got to deal. I just told him I felt more comfortable if my mom watches dd. (we 'date' 2x a month, that is the only time I leave her) His mother is welcome to come over, but only if I or my mother are present. So far it's been a non-issue. I just said I wasn't comfortable, though I didn't get into all the details. He didn't ask, so...Oh, I feel for you. I wish I could move across the country sometimes. Did I mention my MIL lives across the street?
:
 

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Hey A&A!

Your decisions sounds MORE than reasonable to me. I would suggest just being open and honest with your dh about how you feel on this matter. Explain to him that you don't feel comfortable with his mom having unsupervised visitation with your child(ren) due to her comments and refusal to accept that what she said was wrong, hurtful and inappropriate...HOWEVER (and be sure to stress this part) that you are NOT saying that you expect him not to see his mother nor are you saying that you don't want your child(ren) never to see her, you just don't want mil left alone with the child(ren) where she is free to say whatever hurtful comments she feels. If you explain it that way and make it very clear that you don't expect dh to cut her off or that you aren't trying to keep the kids from mil, then I see no reason why he should have a problem with it.

If by some chance he DOES have a problem with it and won't go along with your decision, I think you may just have to put your foot down with him for the safety and well-being of your child(ren).

Best of luck to you!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by A&A
I'm not even asking to cut her off completely--I'm just saying no more "alone" time (which is all MIL ever wants with the kids.) How do I say it to dh?

Thanks!
This sent up a huge red flag for me! I would tell your DH that sexual predators are always wanting to spend alone time with their victims and as her mother you won't ignore your gut on this one.
 

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It sounds very reasonable to me! As much as you can, when you talk to dh I'd play up the fact that you don't mind her spending time with the kids, as long as someone is with her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Stevie
This sent up a huge red flag for me! I would tell your DH that sexual predators are always wanting to spend alone time with their victims and as her mother you won't ignore your gut on this one.

I agree that mothers should never ignore their gut.......but my gut doesn't tell me that this is about her being a predator. For her, it's all about CONTROL. She doesn't have to ask my permission to feed the kids junk food, for example, if I'm not around. She doesn't even have to talk to me or look or me or acknowledge me as their mother in any way if I'm not around. (And yes, the "alone time" they spend with her is already limited.)

So dh told me that this is an unreasonable request. (I completely explained that they could still spend time with her---with me present.) I said it's not a request, it's a statement. That led us to the verge of a very huge fight, so we both backed off the conversation and left it unresolved for now. He said that dd enjoys going over there for sleepovers, and would I deny her that? I said yes, to protect her from weight-related comments that could damage her self-esteem.

And dh talked to his sister...........he asked her, "Do you think that mom and dad had anything to do with your bulimia? Did they ever criticize your weight?" SIL's response: "Hell, yes!!" (Just for the record, MIL and FIL are divorced and we hardly ever see FIL.) EVEN WITH THAT response from his sister, dh still doesn't quite get how serious this is.

But, perhaps I won't have to worry about g-ma any more, now that she's made this statement:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=491118
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Stevie
This sent up a huge red flag for me! I would tell your DH that sexual predators are always wanting to spend alone time with their victims and as her mother you won't ignore your gut on this one.
Stevie -- I think it is a huge leap to suggest that A&A's MIL might be a sexual predator. I certainly wouldn't think that based on this one fact, and it would be incredibly damaging to A&A's relationship with her DH, not to mention her MIL to suggest that that is your reason. She has a valid reason, based on her MIL's actual behavior. that's enough.

Also, I think it is actually not uncommon for people to like to spend time with their relatives (grandkids, nieces, nephews, etc.) one-on-one. You get a very different experience with them when you are totally focused on eachother, rather than when there is a parent there, because then the attention is always divided. I know that I often prefer to hang with my nephews just one-on-one (me and both of them) because then we can really play just the three of us. This certainly doesn't make me a sexual predator. LOL


Besides, as someone who has actually suffered through innapropriate sexual contact from family members when I was a kid, it is a really, really big deal, and not something to just idly accuse someone of.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by SaveTheWild
Stevie -- I think it is a huge leap to suggest that A&A's MIL might be a sexual predator. I certainly wouldn't think that based on this one fact, and it would be incredibly damaging to A&A's relationship with her DH, not to mention her MIL to suggest that that is your reason. She has a valid reason, based on her MIL's actual behavior. that's enough.
This is exactly what I was thinking. The MIL is clearly out there, but to even bring up the sexual predator thing - even as a reference - would cause huge defensiveness with the OP's dh AND the MIL. It is way over the top. I agree with STW that MIL's nutso behavior is more than enough to stand on when wanting to be around during visits.

I think I'd go at it from the bulimia standpoint with dh. Find an article or something quick and easy to read that explains that you shouldn't even talk about dieting yourself, or the "I'm so fat", etc. as girls learn so much negative stuff from comments not even directed at them.
 

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I think that it is a reasonable boundary if she won't see your point of view about being kind to your dd.
 

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foster grandchildren! (However one goes about doing that--I don't know.) But these "foster grandchildren" will be in place of our children. Apparently she won't be acknowledging our kids as her grandkids anymore?
Bwahahahahaha! LMAO! Good ridance
 

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Sounds like your DH needs to pull his head out of the sand.

ETS: Yes, I definitely think it's reasonable. I wouldn't want my MIL telling things like that to DD, and then giving her junk food/soda
:
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
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Originally Posted by AutumnMama
Sounds like your DH needs to pull his head out of the sand.

That's a nice way to put it. I was going to say his head is somewhere else....
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
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Originally Posted by Lisa85
Bwahahahahaha! LMAO! Good ridance
No doubt, if she'd actually stay away.

But dh thinks "no Grandma" (on his side) is worse than "messed up Grandma". I completely disagree!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by A&A
No doubt, if she'd actually stay away.

But dh thinks "no Grandma" (on his side) is worse than "messed up Grandma". I completely disagree!
I'll never understand the logic of that. Grandparents aren't the only people who can love a child or spend time with them, or heck, even spoil them. Why not surround your (general, non-specific "your") kids with healthy, positive, intelligent and caring people rather than people that are harmful to their physical/emotional/mental well-being just because they're related to them?

Then again.... I still allow my dd to see my toxic mother 2-3 times a year (she lives out of state thank goodness)... granted she is generally mindful of her behavior around little ones, otherwise I'd put a stop to the visits.

My DH about his dad "he's the only grandpa our kids will have"

So????? DH's dad isn't a terrible person... but I could definately do with less of him...
 
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