Is this a warning sign?

sahmmie · Nov 27, 2010

My husband loves the grotesque, brutal, and sadistic "torture and kill" type movies. You know, the ones with lunatics who abduct women, keep them hostage and to repeatedly torture and rape them before finally killing them. He also loves war movies and documentaries that focus on torture. This has always bothered me, but he says it's normal, that lots of people like these kinds of movies. But my counselor says it's a warning sign. What do you think?
 
The thing that scares me the most is that my husband once told me that he enjoys these movies/documentaries because he identifies with the torturer, not the victim. This really freaks me out.
 
My husband has never been physically violent, so I don't fear him in that regard. But he does frighten me emotionally.

Sweetflyfishfeel · Nov 27, 2010

Um, yeah, I would say so. It's definitely not a good sign, and it's certainly something that would be an absolute turn off to me if I was dating someone. Especially since I have a child.
 
One of my closest friends was raped at gunpoint by her husband that years earlier she swore would never threaten or hurt her. He also molested her three young boys, one of whom committed suicide at 17 yrs old. He seemed like the nicest guy most of the time. It seems to me that if there's a screw loose, it's bound to hurt you at some point. If he scares you emotionally, that in itself is a big warning sign, I think. I'm no expert, but I think you should trust your intuition. No one is as close to him as you are.

Sativarain1 · Nov 27, 2010

Yes, I agree that we need to trust our intuition regarding these matters. I think often times we don't listen to that voice inside because we don't want to believe something like that could happen from someone we care about, someone we love and want to trust.
 
Lots of people like war movies; especially men. but his comment seems off, to tell you that he identifies with the one committing the crime sounds concerning. What does your gut tell you? Are you willing to listen to it and act upon it? or disregard it?
 
I myself ignored many red flags during situations, and it seems my intuition was right on almost in every single scenario. We really have the ability to sense things if your sensitive to it.

Theia · Nov 27, 2010

I would take it as a warning sign, especially given that he already displays abusive behaviors. It would be kinda like how serial criminal types often fantasize about their victims and crimes both before and after committing the crime.

Halfasianmomma · Nov 27, 2010

Yes, I agree. It's a frightening warning sign.
 
My XH *only* watched disturbing, violent movies, and he loved violent, loud, war-themed video games. He kepts swords, knives and a gun in the apartment, and regularly threw knives (in the bad times, he also cut himself repeatedly on the chest and arms). I think he created a reality for himself that he couldn't really live in real life, either because he knew the repercussions or didn't have the guts to carry out his fantasies. I do know that he often talked about killing specific people who had wronged him, like his brother, but I never quite believed him until I read plans he wrote years before I knew him, discussing in detail how he'd kill him and where he'd stash the body. That's when I realized that I was lucky to have escaped him...

Sativarain1 · Nov 27, 2010

Halfasianmama, wow that sounds very scary, thankfully your away from him.

sahmmie · Nov 27, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by bananabee <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282007/is-this-a-warning-sign#post_16076167"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> Um, yeah, I would say so. It's definitely not a good sign, and it's certainly something that would be an absolute turn off to me if I was dating someone. Especially since I have a child.
 
One of my closest friends was raped at gunpoint by her husband that years earlier she swore would never threaten or hurt her. He also molested her three young boys, one of whom committed suicide at 17 yrs old. He seemed like the nicest guy most of the time. It seems to me that if there's a screw loose, it's bound to hurt you at some point. If he scares you emotionally, that in itself is a big warning sign, I think. I'm no expert, but I think you should trust your intuition. No one is as close to him as you are.
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Well, he didn't show me this side of himself until after we were married. If I had known we wouldn't be together. He hid that, and many other things from me.
 
You're right. I need to trust my intuition. My intuition told me to leave him a long time ago, but I rationalized most of my fears away and 11 years later we're still together and I trust him and respect him less, and fear him more. I trying to figure out how to get out. I asked him last night for a separation, but he flatly refuses. I wish he'd just agree so I could go in peace, but it will have to be a battle because it doesn't matter to him what I want or need. He simply will not let me go despite the fact that he knows I neither love him nor respect him.

sahmmie · Nov 27, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by Sativarain1 <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282007/is-this-a-warning-sign#post_16076277"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> 
Lots of people like war movies; especially men. but his comment seems off, to tell you that he identifies with the one committing the crime sounds concerning. What does your gut tell you? Are you willing to listen to it and act upon it? or disregard it?
 
 
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 Yes, it's that comment that bothers me more than anything. My gut tells me he can't be trusted and he'll hurt me if he needs to in order to get what he wants. Not necessarily physically, but mentally and emotionally.

Sweetflyfishfeel · Nov 28, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by sahmmie <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282007/is-this-a-warning-sign#post_16076489"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> <div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by bananabee <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282007/is-this-a-warning-sign#post_16076167"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> Um, yeah, I would say so. It's definitely not a good sign, and it's certainly something that would be an absolute turn off to me if I was dating someone. Especially since I have a child.
 
One of my closest friends was raped at gunpoint by her husband that years earlier she swore would never threaten or hurt her. He also molested her three young boys, one of whom committed suicide at 17 yrs old. He seemed like the nicest guy most of the time. It seems to me that if there's a screw loose, it's bound to hurt you at some point. If he scares you emotionally, that in itself is a big warning sign, I think. I'm no expert, but I think you should trust your intuition. No one is as close to him as you are.
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Well, he didn't show me this side of himself until after we were married. If I had known we wouldn't be together. He hid that, and many other things from me.
 
You're right. I need to trust my intuition. My intuition told me to leave him a long time ago, but I rationalized most of my fears away and 11 years later we're still together and I trust him and respect him less, and fear him more. I trying to figure out how to get out. I asked him last night for a separation, but he flatly refuses. I wish he'd just agree so I could go in peace, but it will have to be a battle because it doesn't matter to him what I want or need. He simply will not let me go despite the fact that he knows I neither love him nor respect him. 
 
 
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Oh! Sorry - I didn't mean you should have known. Abusers often hide that sort of thing because they KNOW it's socially unacceptable. I realize there is no way to know sometimes if that's the kind of thing they're into. My STBX never told me he played video games online until well after we were married. I also didn't know he drank daily because he'd stop for a month or two at a time. I just meant that if I were choosing to date someone now, and that was part of their life, I wouldn't want to be. So, if you look at your H today and decide based on what you know about him whether or not you were going to marry him tmw, would you think that was a big enough red flag to concern you? But we are ALL here because we've been in abusive relationships...so please don't take my comment as a judgmental one. I didn't mean it that way at all.

*MamaJen* · Nov 28, 2010

Yep, I do think his love of violent movies is a warning sign, and I think an even bigger warning sign is your own intuition that he's dangerous to you. Listen to the things that your gut is telling you about him. After any length of time in an abusive relationship, you get so good an minimizing and denying. Our brains have to manufacture a reality in which its okay to be with a guy who treats us so badly. Be honest with yourself and you'll be amazed at how much you know.
Out of all the things I've ever learned about abuse, I think the thing that freaked me out the most was learning that abusers fantasize about abuse. They literally sit there fantasizing about emotionally or physically hurting their partner, or even killing them. That's one of the ways that abuse escalates...fantasizing about abuse sort of normalizes it to them, because they've already done it in their mind. Yeah, it's revolting. 
Anyway, I'm sorry you're in this position but I'm glad your eyes are opening. Leaving an abuser (physical or emotional abuser) is rarely easy. They usually try to derail it, because in their mind, their partner leaving is like property theft. If you're serious about wanting out of the relationship, you need to do it first and tell him later. If you tell him you want to separate or you're thinking of filing for divorce, all that he hears is that he still has a chance to pressure you out of it. Serving him with divorce papers is a much clearer message. The most helpful thing you can do is learn to clearly and fearlessly state that it's over, and set iron-clad boundaries. If you can do that, you'll have the best chance of success.
Lots of luck to you.

Mummoth · Nov 28, 2010

I think it depends... current SO loves watching zombie movies, or war movies and plays violent video games (none of it around the kids, he at least has that much sense!) He identifies with the hero... for him it's the survival/resourcefulness aspect that is appealing to him. I don't see any signs that he will become abusive in our relationship.
 
My ex wasn't especially interested in violent movies, and didn't play video games... he grew up hunting with his parents, but didn't own a gun. He had a license, and planned on hunting again in the future, but he wasn't highly motivated in taking the steps to do so, and didn't spend time looking at weapons or anything like that, yet his temper was out of control. 
 
It's one of those things that can be a sign, but isn't always. If there are other indicators, I'd take it very seriously.

sahmmie · Nov 28, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by bananabee <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282007/is-this-a-warning-sign#post_16076554"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> <div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by sahmmie <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282007/is-this-a-warning-sign#post_16076489"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> <div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by bananabee <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282007/is-this-a-warning-sign#post_16076167"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> Um, yeah, I would say so. It's definitely not a good sign, and it's certainly something that would be an absolute turn off to me if I was dating someone. Especially since I have a child.
 
One of my closest friends was raped at gunpoint by her husband that years earlier she swore would never threaten or hurt her. He also molested her three young boys, one of whom committed suicide at 17 yrs old. He seemed like the nicest guy most of the time. It seems to me that if there's a screw loose, it's bound to hurt you at some point. If he scares you emotionally, that in itself is a big warning sign, I think. I'm no expert, but I think you should trust your intuition. No one is as close to him as you are.
</div>
</div>
 
Well, he didn't show me this side of himself until after we were married. If I had known we wouldn't be together. He hid that, and many other things from me.
 
You're right. I need to trust my intuition. My intuition told me to leave him a long time ago, but I rationalized most of my fears away and 11 years later we're still together and I trust him and respect him less, and fear him more. I trying to figure out how to get out. I asked him last night for a separation, but he flatly refuses. I wish he'd just agree so I could go in peace, but it will have to be a battle because it doesn't matter to him what I want or need. He simply will not let me go despite the fact that he knows I neither love him nor respect him. 
 
 
</div>
</div>
 
Oh! Sorry - I didn't mean you should have known. Abusers often hide that sort of thing because they KNOW it's socially unacceptable. I realize there is no way to know sometimes if that's the kind of thing they're into. My STBX never told me he played video games online until well after we were married. I also didn't know he drank daily because he'd stop for a month or two at a time. I just meant that if I were choosing to date someone now, and that was part of their life, I wouldn't want to be. So, if you look at your H today and decide based on what you know about him whether or not you were going to marry him tmw, would you think that was a big enough red flag to concern you? But we are ALL here because we've been in abusive relationships...so please don't take my comment as a judgmental one. I didn't mean it that way at all.
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No offense taken! Thanks. Yes, it would have concerned me greatly if I had known.

SeekingSerenity · Nov 29, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma <a href="forum/thread/1282007/is-this-a-warning-sign#post_16076432"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> Yes, I agree. It's a frightening warning sign.
 
...I think he created a reality for himself that he couldn't really live in real life, either because he knew the repercussions or didn't have the guts to carry out his fantasies. I do know that he often talked about killing specific people who had wronged him, like his brother, but I never quite believed him until I read plans he wrote years before I knew him, discussing in detail how he'd kill him and where he'd stash the body. That's when I realized that I was lucky to have escaped him...
 
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My STBX didn't watch horror movies or play video games (he preferred porn when it came to movies), but he loved to look at horrific murder scenes online. He had websites bookmarked where he could go and look at crime scene photos of Nicole Brown-Simpson and the Manson murders, among others. He'd literally enlarge the pictures of the murdered women and just stare at every detail. Then he'd talk about it in gory detail, with this gleam in his eyes and this excited look on his face. It was.... SCARY. And only murders where the victim was a female.
 
He also fantasizes about killing people he hates. His ex-wife (the first one) is his favorite - not because she actually did anything to him but because he owes her money. Back child-support (their kids are 26 & 28, with the older one being in prison for violating parole for a rape he plea-bargained on) is over $20,000 and because she won't discharge the debt through the Attorney General, he dreams of killing her. He gets very graphic too. Whenever he'd get sick, he'd say, "Maybe it's cancer! If I get diagnosed with a terminal disease, I will celebrate by murdering (the ex-wife)! They won't give me the death penalty because I'm already dying."
 
(Being that they live in Texas, I doubt that would stop them from putting him in the Electric Chair Express Lane.)
 
All of that went through my mind when he was attacking me and later, when he threatened to "get rid of me" (like I am nothing but a piece of trash) just because I was going to expose his picture-taking venture to his boss and the woman he was photographing. He'd kill me for that???! Yeah, probably. Which is why I'm gone...
 
I have to agree with the others about trusting your instincts. It comes almost as naturally as breathing to second-guess yourself after all this time. You have a feeling and then talk yourself into believing it's nothing. Eventually though, you have to acknowledge that you're in danger and you've always known it.
 
I have to remind myself of all this, when the butt-head starts in with his "I love you and miss you" BS... not because I want to go back when he does that, but because it lulls me into a sense of complacency. He's dangerous and conniving and I better not forget it, ya know?
 
Sounds like your man is just as bad. :-(

sahmmie · Nov 29, 2010

Thanks SeekingSerenity. My husband goes to websites with the gory death pictures too. Ugh.. I just don't understand that. I have no idea if he has fantasies of killing people. I'm sure he'd hide that from me if he did. However, He has told me many times that he knows how to make poisons that would kill a person but never be detected at autopsy which does concern me.

Sweetflyfishfeel · Nov 30, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:a
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by sahmmie <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282007/is-this-a-warning-sign#post_16079712"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> Thanks SeekingSerenity. My husband has goes to websites with the gory death pictures too. Ugh.. I just don't understand that. I have no idea if he has fantasies of killing people. I'm sure he'd hide that from me if he did. However, He has told me many times that he knows how to make poisons that would kill a person but never be detected at autopsy which does concern me.
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Yikes. Are you sure you don't want to seek help in a DV shelter asap? That would scare me a LOT. If that is what he enjoys and focuses on, he is a truly sick man. He might be fantasizing about killing you and your children. Can you document these things and print screen shots from the computer showing those bookmarks? Any time he says something sick, write it down or email it to someone far away that you trust so he can't erase it. I forget if you said you use the same computer, but if you do could you search it to see if he has a journal in it somewhere? When my STBX left the first time, he left behind his old laptop and I emailed all the documents I found to an out of state friend and later to my lawyer.

sahmmie · Nov 30, 2010

bananbee, Well I do have my own computer and he has his own downstairs, but he does use mine from time to time. I never use his and have no idea what he does on it besides play computer games. I'm not terribly worried that he will kill me one day, but the thought does cross my mind from time to time. I think he's just obsessed with death and gore. I guess you can never be sure though. I have for a long time, and do often tell/write/journal about his behaviors, so I guess that would qualify as documentation if I ever need it.

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