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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am engaged and my 10 year old son is hot and cold on my DH. Somedays things are okay....others my son is rude and tough.
My DH recently started fighting with me in front of my son. It wasn't good. He threatened to leave me in front of my child. My son was very upset.
Well, fast forward to tonight. My son has been rude and difficult. I have punished him and told him he is disrpectful. He apologized.
My fiance started holding me tight at dinner and rubbing my shoulders knowing that bothers my son and makes him jealous. My son started getting upset.
My DH asked him if he likes being a bully. That made my son cry. (at dinner in restaurant). Then my son started calling him names. I told them both to stop. Then my son said he was going to elbow my fianc???:copyright: in the chest. My fiance laughed and made a fist and said he would grab my son's heart and squeeze it and hand it to him!.
I yelled STOP. They stopped for a short time but then my son asked my fiance, who speaks spanish, how to say AAAHOLE in spanish. My fiance answered by saying ASshole is (insert my son's name) in spanish.
I could not believe....what I was hearing!!!
What would you do? My son is begging to live with his dad if I marry this man..and I am a wreck!!

I pulled my fianc? aside and told him he should not be so harsh and mean to my son. He says that he thinks my son anger is coming from my ex and he is sick of it. And that my son needs to learn if you insult people..you will have problems in return.

Then before bed (after my talk) my son was acting out and angry at my fianc?. My fianc? said why don't you like me??? My son started to get up as if he was going to push him. I stopped him. My fianc? came close to my son and said "you are mean!!"

My son said...don't say that! My fianc? again said "you are mean!!!" And walked away.

My son (on good days) loves him. Like today they are getting along and having great time. But I feel so worried about these outbursts. My gf who I confided in...felt this was horrible.

I wanted to get objective opinion here please.
 

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If you choose a man over your child, you will regret it. Children are your children forever. Maybe this is not the man for you.

BTW, it is extremely typical for children to "push" against step parents or in your case, a potential step parent. If you are serious about this man, he will go to family therapy to help you solve the issues. But he has to step up and be a role model for your son. He can't can't take the bait anytime your son acts up.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Well the other problem is I had to move 2 hours away to live with my fianc?. So, my ex is the primary care giver and while I could have 50/50 (living in town) my fianc? is the breadwinner and says he can't move.

I have a good job and I could move back to my son's town but if lose my fianc?. We are supposed to get married on New Years.

When my son is with me on longer breaks instead of just every other weekend ...he settles in And talks about how he wants to live with me.

My heart is torn.
 

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When some one shows you who they are, believe them the first time.


Your finance is showing you who is and how he likes to treat your son. I'd dump him. I'd have zero patience with that nonsense.


But I grew up with an abusive father, and it is always been very clear to me that I would put my children first, and that they would always feel safe in their own home.
 
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DId you post this same thing over on Babycenter?

The advice you get is going to be the same here as you got over there, every single time.

This is not normal. This guy is not okay. You need to put your child first. Don't marry him. Get out get out get out.
 

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- He threatened to leave me in front of my child.
-knowing that bothers my son and makes him jealous.
-My DH asked him if he likes being a bully.
-My fiance laughed and made a fist and said he would grab my son's heart and squeeze it and hand it to him!.
-My fiance answered by saying ASshole is (insert my son's name) in spanish.
This is unacceptable behavior.

Your fiance is an adult.

Your son is a child.

It is your fiance's responsibility to act like the adult and model appropriate behavior. Your fiance is acting like a child (and a horribly misbehaving one at that!) and intentionally antagonizing your son. Your fiance is showing his true colors.

If you absolutely must marry this man, then do your son a favor and ask your ex to take full custody and arrange not to have your son stay with your fiance. Your son does not deserve to live with an abusive man, if you cannot leave your fiance- then you must put your son's well-being first and keep him out of such a toxic home.
 

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If you absolutely must marry this man, then do your son a favor and ask your ex to take full custody and arrange not to have your son stay with your fiance. Your son does not deserve to live with an abusive man, if you cannot leave your fiance- then you must put your son's well-being first and keep him out of such a toxic home.
YES.

Real talk, OP... You've already chosen this piece of garbage over your son. Get yourself some counseling and keep your son away from the abuser. Decide quickly if you are going to be the mother your son needs you to be or if you are going to bow out of his life now before he gets hurt any more than he already has. Stop sitting on the fence.

How is your broken hand?
 

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I also think that he needs to act like a grown up. Family counseling would be mandatory and I would not marry him unless he stops this and proves that he has changed. If he refuses I would leave him
 

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I see on baby center you mentioned that he verbally abusive to you. Is that the role model you want for your son? Do you want him thinking it's okay to treat his partner and children someday? Why would you even marry someone like that?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
He has been that way... But it is infrequent. The problem I have is we have these issues and then we have terrific weekends. I feel low motivation to Rock the boat. My son is happy and great now... And leaving my fianc? this week.. Seems like a very tough task.

Why do I lose motivation??
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I should also say... I have tried leaving him a couple times. I have packed up a few belongings... Gotten in the car... And left. So he is scarred by that fear of abandonment. But it was usually after bad bad fights.

Well now he goes through my clothes and tries to count my underwear etc to see if I'm hiding anything... As he thinks I'm going to leave again.

Tonight my son is w me and he is texting me from the other room that he suspects some of my clothing is missing. He just went through the laundry.., trying to count my underwear.
 

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If you can do so safely, google 'cycle of abuse'. It is very common to have a period of calm and good behaviour after a blow up. It doesn't mean he's not abusive. He is. It's all part of the cycle.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
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I should also say... I have tried leaving him a couple times. I have packed up a few belongings... Gotten in the car... And left. So he is scarred by that fear of abandonment. But it was usually after bad bad fights.

Well now he goes through my clothes and tries to count my underwear etc to see if I'm hiding anything... As he thinks I'm going to leave again.

Tonight my son is w me and he is texting me from the other room that he suspects some of my clothing is missing. He just went through the laundry.., trying to count my underwear.
Huge HUGE HUGE red flag! He mistrusts you, and he's looking for evidence that something is going on. NEVER trust a person that does this. In addition, if you've already considered leaving, FOLLOW YOUR GUT and GO. You already know that you want to. Listen to your inner voice.

My brain is not working properly. That came out better in my head before I tried typing it.
 

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This is scary. Normal men do not count your underwear. Being "insecure," or at least saying he's insecure or afraid of losing you, is a really common thing for abusers to say. He's not acting insecure, he's acting controlling. If you thought about leaving him enough that you got in the car, the big thing to think about is not that you scarred him, but that his behavior was so bad that you wanted to leave. You should not feel at all guilty about having done that, and if he's laying anything on you about being scarred by it, then, that's just one more sign that he's a bad one.

Women don't fall for men who are abusers 100% of the time, or even any % of the time at the start. They hide it at first, then the abuse comes out more and more. Do google "the cycle of violence" like someone already suggested. Things will not get better.
 

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I agree, you are in a cycle of abuse. It gets harder to recognise as you get "used to it" and think it is normal and that the good times make up for it.

If nothing else, think about this:

A partner who abuses verbally will very often become physically abusive.

A partner who abuses his or her spouse will frequently eventually abuse any children in the family, especially if those children present an "obstacle" to the relationship and total control they have in the relationship.

What will you do to protect your son and his future safety?!

Okay then do it now, don't wait! Don't regret it later on....
 

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Leaving your fiance gets harder with every passing week. You're planning to actually marry him soon, and leaving is goung to be much harder after that.

This man isn't scarred by fears of abandonment. He's terrified that he doesn't have you under complete control. He'll ramp further up if you stay.
 

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This man isn't scarred by fears of abandonment. He's terrified that he doesn't have you under complete control. He'll ramp further up if you stay.


I agree. I suspect that after the marriage it will get much, much worse.
 
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My partner and I have had nasty, nearly relationship ending fights. We've both walked out on the other. We've both been guilty of abusive, manipulative behavior.

Neither of us use this to justify controlling behavior. I have realized when I've crossed a line and driven my partner away, and sought to fix MY behavior to be the person my partner wants to stay with (and vice versa).

The correct response to "my partner got so upset she left me" is NOT to control you and trap you into saying. That is terrifying and dangerous. Do not teach your son that this behavior is acceptable.

You deserve a man who will realize his errors and work to be a better partner. If he wants you to stay, he should become someone worth staying with.

Do NOT feel guilty for leaving someone who mistreated you.

Please read up on cycles of abuse (the honeymoon phase, where everything is great, is common and is a tool to trap you) and consider seeing a therapist.

You deserve better.

Your son deserves better.
 
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I hope you are taking seriously all of the advice given in here and will do what needs to be done, if not for you, then for your son.
Probably the biggest thing holding you back is the financial aspect, but you need to stop focusing on that. Things may be tough again for a bit, but to stay with someone because you don't want to deal with financial hardship is a terrible reason. Unfortunately, this is often one of the main reason that women stay with abusers. The other one is focusing on the times when things are good and when the man is being sweet and caring. You wish that person would be like that all of the time and you convince yourself that things will change and become that way. The problem is, they won't. They will get worse and, as others have mentioned, you will lose your son and all sense of self respect in the process. It will become more difficult to leave and you will make more excuses to yourself as time goes on to justify staying.

This will be very difficult for you, but you will be so very proud of yourself and thank yourself later for being strong and allowing yourself to stand up for how you and your son should be treated. And get counseling for yourself so that you can be clear and not second guess yourself. There are many groups out there to help.
 
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