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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<p>Fiance lied while we were dating. Told me he was a non-drinker, non-drug user. Truth.... he's an alcoholic; possibly recovered now, but definitely drinking heavily when we got married. </p>
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<p>He has consistently lied to me throughout our marriage about drinking and money. He opened a number of credit cards, got paperless statements so I wouldn't know about them, and racked up $50,000 in credit card debt.</p>
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<p>He consistently blames all of our relationship problems on me telling me I am "crazy" "dysfunctional" "unstable" etc. whenever I mention his wrongdoings. According to him, I "imagine" everything. He does no wrong. He's a psychologist and he uses all kinds of psycho babble to try and convince me that I'm a nut case and he's a great guy. </p>
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<p>He has been threatening for 8 years to sue for full custody to keep me trapped in this miserable marriage. He has said that he will use my "mental health history" against me to get the kids. I have an anxiety disorder and cannot work and I have been to see many therapists over the years for this reason. He loves to use that against me to scare me into never leaving him.</p>
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<p>He doesn't beat me but mentally I've feel like I've been beaten to a pulp.</p>
 

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<p>Ask him the definition of Gaslighting.  See what he says. </p>
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<p>Sounds like abuse to me if hes telling you your crazy.  Even when someone really IS crazy, non-abusive supportive people dont cut them down and use that against them.  He should be supporting you, not throwing all your faults in your face and using his "education" of pyscholigcal terms against you. </p>
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<p>This of course is just MY opinion.  Im not a DV counselor, and not knowing you, can only assess with the information provided. </p>
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<p>I also dated a guy who did lots of crazy making to me when I was still kind of developing emotionally.  It did a number on me for sure. So many hugs.  I know what it feels like to be told your nuts and you start to wonder if its true.</p>
 

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<p>It does sound like abuse. So sorry you are having to go through that. <span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span></p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>nola79</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1280072/is-this-abuse#post_16053578"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>It does sound like abuse. So sorry you are having to go through that. <span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span></p>
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<br><br><p>I agree <img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"></p>
 

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<p>I'm sorry you are going through that.  It does sound like he is being abusive.  It can be hard to tell when it's verbal gaslighting/crazymaking stuff.  </p>
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<p>Here is a good website for helping you be able to define and understand what you may be experiencing.</p>
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<p><a href="http://www.drirene.com/" target="_blank">http://www.drirene.com/</a></p>
 

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<p><span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span> Sounds like it to me too based on what you said. My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive so I understand how it messes with your head.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>ZoeyZoo</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1280072/is-this-abuse#post_16053896"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p><span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span> Sounds like it to me too based on what you said. My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive so I understand how it messes with your head.</p>
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<br><br><p>Me too.  I didn't realize how much abuse I had been putting up with until I began to learn about the verbal and emotional abuses.  Once it had escalated to include some physical abuse it was easier to recognize.  I can relate to the feeling of being emotionally beat down, it was truly soul sucking.</p>
 

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<p>yes!  it is!</p>
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<p>self-evaluation:</p>
<p><a href="http://compassionpower.com/EmotionalAbuseQuiz.php" target="_blank">http://compassionpower.com/EmotionalAbuseQuiz.php</a></p>
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<p>description of emotional abuse:</p>
<p><a href="http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168" target="_blank">http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168</a></p>
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<p>the cycle of abuse (very important to understanding how it can be abuse considering all the times when he's such a great guy):</p>
<p><a href="http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm" target="_blank">http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm</a></p>
 

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<p>I'm the ex wife of a lying, manipulating, mentally and emotionally abusive alcoholic and drug user.</p>
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<p>Your description of your H reminds me a lot of my XH. Blameshifting, gaslighting and threatening are forms of mental abuse. You're being bullied into staying in the relationship. That's abusive. Not to mention the alcohol abuse, the total lack of financial responsibility (a big no no for me)...</p>
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<p>My XH ALSO tried to threaten to sue for sole custody based on my supposed poor mental state. My lawyer told me that it didn't matter what my past was (especially if I had consulted therapists, which indicated that I was seeking help), what mattered was my ability to properly parent my child. Please consider seeing a lawyer....</p>
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<p>I'd like to post for you something that opened my eyes when I was trying to "understand" my then-husband. It's from a site that supports addicts, alcoholics as well as friends and families of substance abusers/alcoholics. Perhaps you'll be able to see yourself in this post:</p>
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<p>******</p>
<p>Excuses Alcoholics Make<br><br>
by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. of Behavioral Medicine Associates in Georgia<br><br><i>Because addiction is a stereotyped and fundamentally inhuman process it produces predictable signs and symptoms that may be used to gauge the degree of its progress as it penetrates and invades the personality of the individual afflicted by it. One set of symptoms of addiction are the customary excuses the addict makes to himself and others for the irregularities of thinking and behavior foisted upon him and those around him by his addiction.<br><br><b>Problem? WHAT problem?</b><br><br>
Primitive and unconscious denial is classified as a psychotic defense mechanism because it denies or distorts reality itself. Those in the grip of psychotic denial are literally out of touch with reality. Thus an alcoholic with multiple and perfectly obvious negative consequences from his pathological drinking(legal, health, marital and job problems) may, difficult as this is to believe, indignantly and -from his perspective- honestly deny that he has a serious problem with alcohol. He doesn't know what people who criticize his drinking are talking about - and he is genuinely hurt and offended at what he perceives to be their unfair and unreasonable attacks upon him. He often reacts to expressions of concern about his drinking with self-pity, resentment, and -of course- more drinking.<br><br><b>I'm not THAT bad!</b><br><br>
Minimization and downplaying of the problems connected with addiction fill in the gaps and take up the slack left by the failure of psychotic denial to adjust reality completely to the requirements of the addiction. The addict admits that difficulties exist - but he stoutly maintains, frequently in the face of an astonishing and rapidly accumulating mountain of evidence to the contrary, that they are not really as bad as others make them out to be.<br><br><b>It wasn't my fault or It's not the way it looks!</b><br><br>
Rationalization and projection of blame attempt to distance the addict from the consequences of his (actually, of his addiction's) actions. Alternative explanations are constructed and stoutly defended, e.g. the employer who fired him or the officer who arrested him or the wife who divorced him were actuated by dishonest or frankly corrupt motives.<br><br><b>All I want is a little relief!</b><br><br>
Justification of addictive behavior is often self-pitying and subtly manipulative. The addict feels victimized, perhaps even martyred by what he believes to be the unfair circumstances of his existence and seeks consolation from his addiction. He believes himself thereby an exception and entitled to special treatment, including remission or at least mitigation of the sins caused by his addictive behavior. The prospect of giving up his addiction or, even worse, having it taken away from him by the unsympathetic demands and requirements of others fills him with horror and indignation. Blind to the fact that it is his addiction and its consequences that are making him miserable; he falsely believes that the addiction is the only source of comfort and security available to him in a cruel, cruel world.<br><br><b>I'm not hurting anybody but myself!</b><br><br>
Frequently phrased as "Leave me alone! I'm not hurting anybody but myself!" this defense invokes a legalistic right to self-harm at the same time as it denies the interpersonal and social realities of the addict's harmful behaviors. The addict, unable or unwilling to recognize how his behavior does in fact impact and thus harm other people, indignantly and self-righteously proclaims "It's MY life and I can do anything I please with it!" Curiously -and revealingly- the addict seldom finds anything incongruous in the notion that he might knowingly and willingly be harming himself, regardless of whether he is harming anyone else.<br><br><b>Nobody knows the trouble I've seen!</b><br><br>
A blatant claim for special status based upon self-pity. Because it is seldom as persuasive to others as it is to the addict himself - other people usually have difficulty seeing how one's problems, no matter how severe or unfair, justify adding further misery resulting from theoretically avoidable addictive behaviors- the frustrated addict usually becomes resentful and sullen, convinced that "nobody really understands me." This licenses, at least in the addict's mind, still more flagrant and egregious addictive acting up and out.<br><br><b>I've got to be me! or You knew this when you married me!</b><br><br>
Unable to distinguish himself from his addiction, the addict cannot imagine himself or existence without the addiction. The prospect of "losing" the addiction is unthinkable to him since it would, he believes, mean the loss of himself and of everything that makes life worth living. The addict paints a Romantic portrait for himself and others which, while it may acknowledge at least some of the destructive effects of his addiction, attempts to rationalize the insanity of addictive behavior as glorious, if tragic self-actualization and fulfillment, and to represent anything less than this, e.g. abstinence and sobriety, as a kind of forfeiture of the self and living death, to which a premature addictive exitus is much to be preferred. The fact that many addicts actually believe such transparent foolishness is a somber testimony to the power of addictive insanity.<br><br><b>I HAVE to drink (or drug) for my work!</b><br><br>
The addict insists that he will not be able to make a living or that he will no longer be successful if forced to "give up" the increasingly harmful and destructive behaviors caused by his addiction. He may regard the latter as "the cost of doing business." In the vast majority of cases, of course, his addiction has already begun to impair his work performance, his judgment, and his interpersonal relations.<br><br><b>You're not so pure yourself!</b><br><br>
Following the adage that "the best defense is a good offense" the addict seeks to turn the tables and distract attention from himself by "attacking the attacker," i.e. the individual who attempts to point out to him the reality of his addictive behavior. Under the spur of necessity to defend their addiction as they are, most addicts possess a keen eye and a sharp tongue for the shortcomings and faults of others - even as they deny or are indifferent to those of themselves. Thus the addict is often almost demonically astute at exploiting the vulnerabilities and Achilles Heels of those who, wittingly or unwittingly, threaten the continuance of his addiction.<br><br><b>Trust me - I know what I am doing!</b><br><br>
The addict, blinded to reality by his own denial, attempts to reassure those who have begun to wonder about his judgment, perhaps even about his sanity, that he is in control and that all will be well. He informs them that he is perfectly aware there is or may shortly be a problem, that he does not intend to let it get out of hand, and that he is or will be taking steps to control it.<br><br><b>I can stop any time I want to!</b><br><br>
Unaware that his addiction and not he himself is calling the shots, the addict genuinely believes that he is choosing to behave the way he does and therefore he can stop doing so any time he makes up his mind. Unfortunately for him and for those who must deal with him, he seldom makes up his mind to stop(even though he most certainly could if he wanted to, &etc. &etc. &etc.)<br><br><b>I'm not nearly as bad as OTHER people!</b><br><br>
An almost universal addictive rationalization. The addict compares himself to people who are in his opinion in far worse shape than he believes himself to be and concludes from this that there is no reason to be concerned about his own addictive behavior. Since there is always someone worse off than himself the addict feels entitled in continuing his addiction.<br>
I HAVE to drink (or drug) to drown my sorrows!<br>
The victim of a dysfunctional childhood or the survivor of a difficult life, the addict attempts to persuade others, as he has largely persuaded himself, that continuing to engage in destructive addictive behavior is a rational and healthy response to his problems - or that if he does not drink or drug, he will fall apart or behave even worse.<br><br><b>Now is not a good time to stop!</b><br><br>
Another nearly universal addictive rationalization. "I'll quit tomorrow" is a familiar addictive refrain. The time never seems quite right to stop - even though the addict may be or seem to be perfectly sincere in his determination to cease his addiction "just as soon as I get through this difficult period." He may even convince himself and attempt to convince others that stopping his addictive behavior immediately would be a bad and counter-productive idea, and that the chances of success will be enormously increased if he delays his attempt to stop until a more favorable time.<br><br><b>It will never, ever happen again!</b><br><br>
Following an unusually painful or embarrassing episode caused by his addiction the remorseful, frequently tearful addict promises those he has harmed that nothing, absolutely nothing could ever cause him to repeat such behavior. He may take the lead in excoriating and flagellating himself for his unpardonable sin as a demonstration of penance and a reassurance to those he has harmed or offended. Almost always effective in allaying anxiety and soothing hurt feelings on the first occasion of use, this defense rapidly loses effectiveness with repeated use as those whom it is intended to reassure become, usually with good reason, increasingly skeptical.<br><br><b>Nobody is going to tell ME what to do!</b><br><br>
The problems caused by addiction are avoided or obscured by a heroic pose worthy of Patrick Henry("Give me liberty or give me death!"). By focusing on his supposed freedom to do as he wishes -actually the freedom of his addiction to do as it wishes- the addict sidesteps the more difficult question of the rationality and sanity of his behavior. Defiance and oppositional behavior are common defenses of addicts against looking at themselves.<br><br><b>I'd be OK if it weren't for you!</b><br><br>
The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior.<br><br><b>Look at all I have done for you! or This is the thanks I get!</b><br><br>
Another "guilt trip" designed to disarm or deflect criticism of addictive behavior. References to the hard work, long hours, job stress and material status of the family are common attempts to win sympathy and understanding for behavior that has become harmful to the addict and others.<br><br><b>I don't have time (or money) to get help!</b><br><br>
Almost universally deployed whenever the question of seeking professional assistance or attending AA or other mutual-support group meetings comes up. If the addict does actually take a step to get help -usually as a result of external prodding of some kind- there is a 98% probability that he will not agree with the frequency, intensity or duration of the help recommended. Underestimation of his problem and the belief that it can be controlled by what others more informed about such matters know are half measures is the rule rather than the exception in addiction.<br><br><b>I'll handle it myself!</b><br><br>
Another nearly universal defense. The addict finally acknowledges and even believes that he has a significant problem but is adamant that he can and will deal with it by himself rather than seeking any kind of professional or support group help. Because he does not yet understand the nature of addiction he supposes that recovery is merely a matter of will power, hence that it is superfluous or even a disgrace to ask for help from others for what he ought to be able to do by himself.</i></p>
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
<p>Thanks everyone. I will post more one day, but I'm really in a place right now in which I don't have the mental energy to do so. I am so darn confused. I know that deep down I fear him. You know; in that deep place inside, the gut or intuition. I try to rationalize it away, but he's a scary dude. A genius (seriously, he has a super high IQ), with no social or relationship skills. I know that he cannot be trusted; lying is second nature to him. He has no emotional integrity so you never know how he "truly" feels about anything. He will tell you something and then when you react in a way that he didn't expect, he will deny he ever said what he said. And worse, he'll often backtrack yet again if he realizes he's misunderstood your reaction and perhaps the first thing he said is what you wanted to hear. Well, then he was lying when he said the second thing, but he'll say you're nuts, he never said the second thing. I know this sounds insane, but it's true. </p>
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<p>I don't know what I am going to do. All I know is I won't be able to endure this for another 12 years.</p>
 

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<p>:hug sahmmie . . . there is a layer-by-layer awakening process that is quick in some and slow in others - i think it happens for each of us at the rate we can handle.  it is okay to be not ready to go there yet.  from the first mention of my stbx being abusive to the time i was willing to even consider that it may possibly be true, was about a year and a half.  i didn't think about it for about a year, then for about six months i aggressively looked at any and all possible explanations for his behavior and ways for me to fix our relationship.  then in march (the end of that year and a half) i was ready to think about it as abuse, and as being beyond my control to really change.  that's when i asked to join this forum, and it still took me a long time to feel right calling it abuse . . . and even now, i only use that word among others who personally know and understand what emotional abuse is, because the general public does not get it and would think i'm being dramatic (or at least that's my fear).  it took four months for me to leave, and even when i did it, i was not ready.  now it has been another four months since i left, and i still can be paralyzed by irrational fear, guilt, and other things that i don't understand.  it takes time.  or sometimes it doesn't - sometimes, something dramatic happens that shoves you or him out the door.  i just wanted to acknowledge that being in a relationship like this, just by default, makes it very difficult to assess the situation and gather the mental, emotional, spiritual and physical strength, as well as the time and money, to get out.  why is it so hard to leave abusive relationships?  because they are abusive!</p>
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<p>ham . . . stbx literally said every single one of those bolded lines (about his behavior toward me, about substance abuse, about lying, etc).  thank you for posting that.</p>
 

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<p>My XH was also a genius and also had some serious problems relating to other people. He considered himself "superior" to most people, and liked to look down on everyone. It was very...annoying, especially considering the fact that he used everyone to get what he was too lazy to work for.</p>
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<p>Have you considered starting by getting some counselling....even some over the phone counselling? I did that for a few sessions when I felt "stuck" in my marriage with XH. Maybe beginning a process of reflection and caring for yourself would be a good place to start.</p>
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<p>Doubledutch...Yep, that post (from the Sober Recovery site) was eye-opening for me. It made me realize that my XH wasn't so special...he was using the excuses every other addict and alcoholic was using. I used to think that he was a "special" kind of drinker and that his problems were unique. HA!</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>sahmmie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1280072/is-this-abuse#post_16056041"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Thanks everyone. I will post more one day, but I'm really in a place right now in which I don't have the mental energy to do so. I am so darn confused. I know that deep down I fear him. You know; in that deep place inside, the gut or intuition. I try to rationalize it away, but he's a scary dude. A genius (seriously, he has a super high IQ), with no social or relationship skills. I know that he cannot be trusted; lying is second nature to him. He has no emotional integrity so you never know how he "truly" feels about anything. He will tell you something and then when you react in a way that he didn't expect, he will deny he ever said what he said. And worse, he'll often backtrack yet again if he realizes he's misunderstood your reaction and perhaps the first thing he said is what you wanted to hear. Well, then he was lying when he said the second thing, but he'll say you're nuts, he never said the second thing. I know this sounds insane, but it's true. </p>
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<p>I don't know what I am going to do. All I know is I won't be able to endure this for another 12 years.</p>
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<p>OMG... Yes that sounds insane.  I went through that with my abusive ex.  He was also very intelligent, but he used his intelligence to manipulate, lie, and do exactly what you are describing.  </p>
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<p>In a previous discussion here several months ago, someone found and posted an article about a laboratory test done with rats.  One set of rats were given an electrical shock every time they were given food.  The other group of rats were given electrical shocks at random times unrelated to the activity the rat was currently engaged in.  The end result was that the rats in the unpredictable environment basically went insane.  I'm simplifying this, but that is the main part that stuck with me.  And this is how abuse works, the behaviors you are describing are meant to keep you off balance, drained of the energy to think logically, and always doubting yourself and your own sanity.  You never know what is coming, what behavior you will be faced with from moment to moment.  </p>
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<p>You shouldn't endure this for another 12 years.  Get a lawyer, or call your local womens domestic violence shelter to speak to them.  In my area they offer referrals to lawyers who specialize in abuse cases.  <br>
 </p>
 

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<p>Yes, I've sought counseling. The first counselor told me he was likely schizoid and definitely abusive. But I rationalized (she's making this diagnosis without ever seeing him) and tried to make it work. She also told me that he's passive aggressive (I knew this), and dependent. The second therapist told me he may be sociopathic (I've long suspected this) and encouraged me to leave him. The third (and most current) therapist tells me that he's narcissistic (this I'd never considered). In some ways seeking help has only made me more confused. I just know that I'm scared of him and I want out. The terrifying thing is that if I leave him my children will be subject to his insanity whenever they are alone with him. I can protect them and isolate them from the madness to a certain degree as long as I am present, but if he has them alone I will no longer be able to do that.</p>
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<p>And so, I stay out of fear, like most women who stay.</p>
 

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<p>You know your children are still subjected to his troubling behavior as a result of you staying with him. I wish you the strength to someday get space from this man or at the very least to make it clear his abuse needs to stop, he needs to seek help or you will leave. You cannot endure this and possibly be happy.</p>
 

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<p>I think that nearly every woman in here that was in an adult DV relationship has stayed at some point out of fear.  It's a completely normal response, especially when you have children.  <img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"></p>
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<p>Through some intense counseling over the past 18mos I have realized that the roots of me being in unhealthy relationships as an adult were set in place by my experiences as a child.  My father was (still is) emotionally abusive to my mother.  Because of what myself and my siblings witnessed with our first adult modeled relationship between our parents, none of us 4 kids has had it easy finding healthy relationships.  For example, I believe my older brother (the eldest of 4 kids) is similar to my father and has been (and maybe still is) emotionally abusive just like my father.  My older sister has been married for 30ish years now, and her relationship has been full of emotional/financial and possibly other abuses.  My younger brother just committed suicide a few months ago in part due to a very physically and emotionally violent relationship he was in.  His partner was the abuser.  Then there is me, the 3rd child.  I've never had a healthy romantic relationship.  Some have just been unhealthy in codependent ways, and eventually they got worse and worse until the last relationship, my DD's father, was threatening both of our lives.  As a teen and young adult I had no idea what a healthy romantic relationship looked like.  I thought what I grew up with was the normal and should be accepted.  I had no idea how to set up healthy boundaries or how I should even be treated with respect.  While my family is just one example, I don't think that we are all that remarkable or different from other families with abuse dynamics.</p>
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<p>Even if you choose to stay with your abusive H, your children are learning what kind of relationships they will have as adults.  Some may grow up to be abusers, some may be victims.  And somehow some children grow up to have healthy adult relationships despite their family of origin.  Abuse is a cycle within cycles.  The abuse in my family goes back several generations from what I can tell from my Mom's side of the family.  Witnessing abuse is enough to set a child up for great difficulty as an adult.  My Mom went from an abusive family of origin to being married to an abuser.  I can only hope that I am breaking the cycle with DD.  She witnessed abuse for her first year and half (if you count gestation).  </p>
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<p>I say all this just because when we are first coming to terms with our own abuse, we often think we can protect our children if we stay.  But in reality even then we aren't protecting them in the ways we would want.  They are learning from everything they witness and it often has a greater impact on them than what we think it might.  I never realized how that part of my childhood had anything to do with my failures at relationships as an adult.  But it makes perfect sense now.</p>
 

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<p>There is so much wisdom on this board from the women who have been through this. I'm going through a lot of the mixed emotions and confusion that you describe, Sahmmie. I'm scared, too, that divorcing him means he'll get her alone at times, but I've reasoned that it's better to have one healthy place she can call home and be herself. Growing up in a home where my dad psychologically and emotionally controlled my mom and us kids to some extent, I was very depressed and felt a strong need to escape. Luckily I turned to books and art rather than something detrimental. Living under that, my brother started to get violently angry and take it out on me. My sister has a very fragile ego and abuses others emotionally and psychologically to get what she wants (and often says she does it for their good). When my dad finally left, even though it seemed like the worst thing that could happen, after a few days of him being gone we all started to feel a sense of relief. Well, except for my sister, but that's another story.</p>
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<p>Anyway, when he left, it was like a huge dark cloud had moved and finally let some light in. How are you going to make sure your kids get enough sunshine in a situation like yours? I hope you're able to make a door in the fear that you can all escape through. He's going to be sooo angry. He's going to tell lies to everyone, including your kids, about why you left. But it won't matter because you'll still be out. Make sure especially that you're documenting everything now, and that you do if/when you leave. When I first told my STBX I had filed for divorce, he started acting CRAZY and I called the police two nights in a row even though he hadn't done anything physical to me. The second night I had them come back twice, and they were really annoyed but since then, he's kept his craziness to a minimum because he knows I won't put up with ANY of his crap. He's lost his grip on me (at least in his mind) and now he only tries to pull crap on me a couple times a week.</p>
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<p>Hope you can come to terms with things. I'd venture a guess that all of your therapists were right.</p>
 

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<p>have not read any of the replies... but you should check out <a href="http://www.lovefraud.com" target="_blank">www.lovefraud.com</a>. it sounds like he is a sociopath. "the sociopath next door" is a good one too. but the website is specifically for spouses. </p>
 
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
<p>What is a DV relationship?</p>
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<p>You've all given me much to think about. I will see my new therapist on Monday and will talk to him about all of this. I would love to post more because what I've posted barely scratches the surface. Maybe soon.</p>
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<p>Thanks so much for your support. I really need it.</p>
 

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<p>Yes, it also occurred to me that by remaining with my XH, I was beginning a cycle for my daughter. I didn't grow up in an abusive home, but being stepmom to XH's son gave me a chance to see the effects of his father's "parenting" on him. He was withdrawn, prone to outbursts of rage, desperately seeking his father's approval, JUMPED whenever his dad demanded a beer or yelled out his name to berate him for something or other...and he always seemed terribly sad. I didn't want my DD to become like that.</p>
 
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