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I was cleaning DD's room today. (She is 3...ok in 2 days) Natually she had every toy out and the room was a disaster. I was picking up all the toys and DD kept asking me to read to her. I had already read several books and had just wanted to get some toys put away. So DD is chanting, "Read to me read to me" I said, "I need to clean to your room right now. If you want to help it will get done faster and I will be able to read sooner. But I am not reading until the room is clean" The chant continues then I say,<br>
"There is a lot of work and if you want to put your toys away after you are done playing than I wont have so much work but if (here it comes) noone wants to help me than you will have to wait to hear the story"<br>
None of this was yelled or said in a martyr tone but it did feel sort of martyrish (that no one part)<br>
I really would like her to help and she did put 2 stuffed anmals in the toy box beofre taking out a new doll but was it owrded wrong?<br>
I constantly feel like I am accidentally manipulating her.
 

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no. you are teaching her basic cause and effect.
 

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Naw, that's just being fed up and handling it very well, lol.
 

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I agree - t's not manipulating her to tell her that since she's not helping you it will take longer and she will have to wait. And every 3 year old detests waiting! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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Not manipulative. Maybe if you changed your word choice a bit you wouldn't feel martyrish? I HATE when dh tells me "No. I'm not doing x unless..." It just seems blunt and could be re-worded in a way that didn't feel mean to me. Whatever works for you. For me, it would probably be something like: "We can read soon, honey, but look at this mess! Aye yie yie! First we have to clean up the toys. Let's see how quickly we can do it." Since you were frustrated though, I think you did a great job! If I talk to Simon in a way that makes me uncomfortable, I apologize to him right away and explain how I'm feeling.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Aye yie yie</td>
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Is that from the "I love Lucy" school of discpline? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I liked that wording...thanks everyone for th reassurance!
 

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We have clean up time at home and I have dd (almost 3) help clean up with me. I tell her we can do X but we need to clean up first. We also sing the clean up song while we do it. I don't think it is manipulative to teach your child to help out around the house, the younger the better I think because it makes it a habit.
 

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Now is a good time for you to start getting dd involved in clean-up time (if you haven't yet I mean). Actually, it's never too early to start, IMO <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Anyway, we do the clean-up song "Clean-up clean-up - everybody everywhere...clean-up clean up -then <span style="text-decoration:underline;">we'll read a book</span> (or whatever else, change the words as needed here)" and we sing it til we're done. If nothing else, it will give her something else to do while waiting for you since you'd still probably be doing all the cleaning.
 

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hey i use that song too! well..."clean up clean up, everybody everywhere...clean up clean up, everybody does their share"<br><br>
i have a creepy feeling that it's from Barney. i've only ever watched Barney once or twice but my friend's son had a Barney bus or something and i think that's where i heard it from. *shudder*
 

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I do not see it as manuplation -- nor as unfair.<br><br>
that is how life works; we need to clean up before we X (in this case read). if you help clean up, it goes faster then we read sooner, if you do not help, then it takes momma longer and you have to wait. 3 is old enugh to grasp this -- and if it takes too long for momma to get work done, without help, and we miss something (story before bed) that is -- IMO -- a natrual consenquence.<br><br>
I see nothing wrong with it.<br><br>
I see it as logically explaining couse and effect and giving a choice (help ro not) but that that choice has an outcome.<br><br>
-- yes the song is from Barney -- soory.<br><br>
AImee
 

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hipumpkins, I first heard the expression "aye yie yie" from a friend of mine -- a very eccentric character, he's a spiritually guided hobo. He learned it from a Buddhist monk he was studying under (I'm not sure of the proper term for this type of apprentishship). It always gives me a good feeling when I use it and Simon loves it. He's a dramatic little boy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I visited the monk with my friend and when my friend told the monk that he had been drinking and eating meat, the monk said... you guessed it... aye yie yie. He was an amazing man. We talked hard-core ethics and he was so nonjudgmental. That was the first time I learned about veganism. I wasn't convinced at the time, but it must have left a mark as several months later I did some research and became vegan. He didn't judge us for not being vegan, at all, but very sadly told us about the maltreatment of animals. He had the perfect mix of emotions. He was sad while talking about the plight of dairy cows and the like, but entirely genuine and not blubbering, and managed to keep things short and keep the overall mood light and inspiring. Anyway, thanks for the opportunity to think of these things. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Back to your regular programming...
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>michelemiller</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">hey i use that song too! well..."clean up clean up, everybody everywhere...clean up clean up, everybody does their share"<br><br>
i have a creepy feeling that it's from Barney. i've only ever watched Barney once or twice but my friend's son had a Barney bus or something and i think that's where i heard it from. *shudder*</div>
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OMG IS IT? ick. I don't know where we even got it! Barney.... *grumble*
 

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Well, I wouldn't say it was manipulative unless you expected for her to help. If you are giving information with the intent of witholding something if she doesn't help than yes. Like, "if you don't do xyz, then we won't do abc". Delaying due to a natural situation that occupies you isn't manipulative, imo. If I were on the phone and I said 'if you don't be quiet I won't do xyz', yes, manipulation. But if I am on the phone and I say 'I can't hear when you are talking, I will just be a minute, but it will take longer if I keep stopping to help.' This isn't manipulating our son to be quiet it is just a fact.<br><br>
However, I try to interrupt to handle ds's requests when on the phone because he is less abled to wait than most adults. Usually.<br><br>
Also, with our son's playroom, I clean it as a gift to him because he LOVES it clean. I do not think of it as a chore, and he doesn't think of helping clean as a chore either. He just naturally helps (occasionally) because he likes having it reorganized. But generally it is distributed chaos and he likes the process of undoing the order as much as having the clean pallet to play. I enjoy the gifting of the clean room to him and then I have some uninterrupted time while he engages with the toys that have been collected and all put in their places. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
I try to meet the request for engagement as often as possible because I desire to nurture companionship with our son as a priority over orderliness. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> [confession: his room is a mess at the moment but we spent time together.] It sounds like you found a way to do both.<br><br>
Pat
 

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It doesnt sound manipulative to me. We have that same problem in our house. So, I do understand the frustration. I try not to word it like I withholding something from her if she doesn't help. She usually wants to cook on her kitchen while I clean. I tell her how lovely her kitchen would look if her room were all clean. I tell her things like her teddies want to eat at a clean table. She normally agrees and will for the most part pick up a few things here and there. She always says "but I am tired". I ask her does she want to take a nap or clean her room. She rarely will clean her whole room by her self, esp when she empties out all of the toys.<br><br>
Anyway, it seems to be that you were getting frustrated but handles it well.
 
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