[JamesMama]

Sometimes James will just get into a 'mood' and we have to leave the house.

Typically I realize he needs a break and room to run so we will go to the park, if it's during pool hours we'll go to the pool (we have a membership).

Everyone (including DH) says I'm 'rewarding his bad behavior' by doing something fun when he's pitching a fit...

What do you all think?

 

[artgoddess]

Your son is two? Chances are even when he's 10 he won't be coming to you saying, "Mother, dear, I'm feeling very agitated and think that some fresh air and exercise will cure me of this foul mood, may we please go the park?"

I think it's a good thing that you are so in tune with your son that when he needs to expend some energy you provide him a release.

 

[BellinghamCrunchie]

At two, I think you are meeting his needs when you see that he could use a different type of activity and you provide it, even if it does follow a tantrum.

It wouldn't hurt to try to get him to verbalize or sign what he needs instead of screaming and crying, though. If he's on the young side of two this might be hard for him but if he's closer to 3 than 2, its definitely worth working on teaching him to "use your words; I want to help." But if he's too agitated to respond, I'd just give him what he needs, then maybe talk later about what words he could have used instead.

 

[violet]

Ummm, he's 2??
I say, at 2, parent for 2. At 10, parent for age 10. Think of it this way, what's his attention span? He's probably forgotten whatever agitated him by the time you reach the sidewalk.

With toddlers it's mostly just the moment. You are't rewarding anything, you are changing his environment to get him out of a funk. I'm sure he's quite intelligent, but to assume that a toddler is making associations between fussing in the kitchen and ending up in the park is a bit much.

Is he actually doing anything inappropriate? You could soothe the naysayers by pointing out either 1. it's not behavior it's just attitude he's expressing. or 2. I quickly resolve the behvior and then move to something positive by getting out of doors. Like he tosses his plate on the floor, I say no no and help him clean up, then off we go to change the surroundings...

Sound's like you are teaching him the best skills for resolving his emotional unease. I wish I had it so together as to take myself outside for a walk when I felt grumpy.

 

[Cujobunny]

Yes I agree that it's a good thing to change up the scenery a bit. We always reach a point by late morning if we haven't been outside yet that ds becomes a bit unbearable. So we go for a walk to the park. He is also 2. I figure he's bored and needs some stimulation and exercise and fresh air, not that I'm rewarding his behaviour.

 

[JamesMama]

Thanks mama's. Dh is just harping on me because he doesn't quite get normal toddler behavior and want's James to 'bahave more' and sees me as not helping by basically going "You're throwing a major tantrum over nothing and driving me insane. We're going to the park."

: which IS what I'm thinking, but it's more of a "You're grumpy, you need to burn off some energy, you're driving me insane. We're going to the park."

ETA- I don't say that, I just think it...usually I SAY "James, lets get outta hear. We're going to go slide/go swim/go play with your truck." and he gets up and follows me.

He's almost 2.5 so we're working on 'use your words' because he does have a pretty decent vocabulary. I'll say "James, Mama cannot help you when all you're doing is yelling. You need to use your words and TELL me what is wrong. What do you want? Use your words." and about 75% of the time he'll say what he wants...sometimes I have to say "I know you would like a candy bar, but we don't have one. Would you like a sandwich instead?"

:

 

[mistymama]

No way! He's only 2, and all you are doing is reading his cues and giving him a change of scenery when he needs it!

My son is 4.5 and I still do this, often. When he starts getting wild in the house and wont listen, I realize that he's bored or needs some fresh air. We'll go to the pool or park. Actually, this year I bought a season pass to the water park .. so often we'll head out and go there together. I don't consider it rewarding bad behavior, just meeting his needs.

 

[veggijessie]

I use "when / then" a lot with my 2 year old. When you calm down, then we will go to the park and play. It works for us!

 

[bdavis337]

So my solution to this would be "ok, hon, YOU stay here and watch the kid so he's not rewarded for "bad" behavior. *I* will go to the park. Alone. With a good book and some tasty snakcs. Be back later."

But seriously, and without the snark, yes, it's all about distraction and change of scenery. I never enjoy spending a whole day trapped in the house with a cranky toddler.

 

[oliversmum2000]

you are seeing the person inside, you are reaching out to him in love and understanding and letting him know that you will always be on his side, always see the good in him and always be there to help him to be the very best he can be and that you love him - um and this is a bad thing?

:

 

[mama2mygirl]

My dd is now four and just today she said, "Can we please go to the park so I can burn off my energy?"
I think it's wonderful that she knows when she knows when she needs to burn off energy. I still have trouble with that.
So, no, I don't think there is anything wrong with what you're doing. I think it's perfect.

 

[MtBikeLover]

I think what you are doing is perfect! You are reading his cues. I do the same thing here.

 

[allgirls]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mama2mygirl My dd is now four and just today she said, "Can we please go to the park so I can burn off my energy?" I think it's wonderful that she knows when she knows when she needs to burn off energy. I still have trouble with that. So, no, I don't think there is anything wrong with what you're doing. I think it's perfect.

This struck home...

It must click at 4...my daughter who will be 4 in a week said the other day "can we go get my beans out?" Because I always say when they are wild and wrangy around the house "you are full of beans, let's go get the beans out"

OP...If taking him to the park fixes the problem how is that rewarding the behaviour?

Tell your dh you are fixing the behaviour not rewarding it. I do think often dh's don't know what's normal toddler behaviour.

Luckily for me my dh trusts me when I say "that's normal, she just needs some space to run"

Or I will say "oh, I read about that, two year olds do that, it's a phase, they suggested we....(fill in the blank) until she grows out of it"

Good luck

 

[Embee]

Sounds to me like you are a tuned in mama who knows the signs of "ooginess" and knows how to deal with it. You know what he needs and as his mama, you do well in providing that for him. You focus not on the behavior but on the root cause and do your best to address that and therefore remedy the situation and restore good feelings and attachment (the TRUE key to maturity--Hold On To Your Kids-Neufeld). Solving problems rather than focusing on their symptoms is an excellent model for your DS. The more we cling to seeing only behavior, we fail to see the whole child. The more we focus on punishing or not rewarding bad behavior, the less chance we have at actually solving the problems, because we fail to address the underlying cause.

Punishing behavior does just that and not much else (IMO): it punishes the child for feeling the way he feels, period. He in turn is sad, confused and continues to feel bad, or even worse for having been punished for simply feeling off. I have off days/moments. Would my DH punish me for being grumpy? No, he'd suggest to talk, or take a walk or go out and get our "ya yas" out. Why would I treat my child any differently just because he's a child?

IMO, in responding the way you do, you are teaching your DS something EXTREMELY valuable. That when things are off, often a change of scenery can really help. That physcial exersize can really help when you're feeling roughed up. That you are a mama who cares enough to look beyond behavior, and see his whole person. That alone will do more for his outlook, his self-esteem than punishment or ignoring his feelings because we can't get past his behavior.

At the end of the day, children learn what they live. When we punish, we teach our child to punish. That what a child/person does is more important than who he is. When we work with our children to solve problems, we teach them to not get overwhelmed by rough situations, and find ways to solve them.

Sounds like your DS is one lucky kid to have a tuned in mama like you.

Em

 

[Collinsky]

You're not rewarding bad behavior, you're seeing his bad behavior as a communication of a need, and meeting that need. Punishing the behavior, or refusing to meet the need to teach him a lesson, would accomplish nothing; it would not teach him skills for dealing with unmet needs, it wouldn't teach him to use other communication tools to let you know, it wouldn't teach him to prevent his need from going unmet... it is pointless.

I have two thoughts - one is to talk to your son about why you're going out. "Wow, you're getting really grumpy. You seem to be feeling a little out of control! You must be needing some fun time out of the house," or whatever is going on in the situation. This starts him on the path of doing this for himself when he's older: recognizing his emotions and behaviors, and looking for the need behind them. Also, you might be able to predict when he's going to have a melt-down, and head it off at the pass. If you can look at the situation and say to yourself, "Ugh, Ds is probably going to be wailing later..." then you are seeing that he's got that need. Try meeting it then, tight away, preemptively. This way there's no hint of rewarding him for bad behavior, because you're meeting the need before it's built to the point that he explodes. You eliminate two conflicts at once (Ds' meltdown and Dh's criticism) if you are able to do that.

And I love the "get your beans out" phrase from a PP! Fun and meaningful for a child, and nonjudgemental from the parent.

 

[Collinsky]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Embee Punishing behavior does just that and not much else (IMO): it punishes the child for feeling the way he feels, period. He in turn is sad, confused and continues to feel bad, or even worse for having been punished for simply feeling off.

ITA! And I want to add that once you begin to see your child's behavior as communication, when you punish a child for "misbehaving" you are in essence saying "You are not allowed to communicate that to us." That young, they have no way of getting the nuance of "No, no, we just want you to communicate in a different way." That's a concept for an older child. For a toddler, MEET THE NEED. The behavior will follow that.

 

[Embee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Collinsky ITA! And I want to add that once you begin to see your child's behavior as communication, when you punish a child for "misbehaving" you are in essence saying "You are not allowed to communicate that to us." That young, they have no way of getting the nuance of "No, no, we just want you to communicate in a different way." That's a concept for an older child. For a toddler, MEET THE NEED. The behavior will follow that.

Yes! I wanted to add also that in this society, it is still VERY popular to see children's crying or upset at "bad behavior." Right here, we have a serious problem. When we see the very normal and age appropriate expression of stress/frustration/upset/sadness/anger as a behavior infraction. When my child is upset and crying it never occurs to me that he is "acting up" or behaving badly. When he is crying my heart longs to understand him, his feelings and help him through it. My 6 1/2 year old does NOT make this process easy, but still I try, I stay connected until he knows that it's ok to express his feelings, period.

Again, you're doing great mama. Keep it up!

Em

 

[Dal]

How about next time your husband is a bit cranky and says something less than all-loving to you you totally wang on him or otherwise make sure that you punish him so that he learns better? Then you can tell him that you want to be sure not to reward his misbehavior? Or you could respond to him in a totally GD way and afterwards ask if he would have learned more if you caused him to suffer for being rude to you.